When in laws cause problems

[Pea-n-Me]

I hate to say it, but the issue here is your husband, not your BIL.

 

[Grmnshplvr]

OP, I do understand your attitude and frustration!!!!!
BTDT.


May I ask.. is this (his blood relative) the only issue that your husband seems to be so one-sided and disrespectful and refuse to hear your feelings about?

It really is, we've been together for 20 years now and honestly have a very laid back kind of relationship. we don't disagree on much of anything really. And for the most part while his brother was living with his girlfriends parents we never heard from him so it was a non issue, if they were ok with him mooching on them it wasn't my problem...now that he has been back in town it has been a consistent source of disagreements between my husband and I. I haven't caved, and I wont because the thought of him living for free in my home that I work hard for makes me see red. He does listen to my frustration, he just doesn't agree with it. The decision has been made, BIL is not staying with us. I just wish he would stop asking already! Part of the problem is that my husband and my MIL buy into BILs sob stories. He isn't the bad guy for not keeping a job and his girlfriends parents finally kicking him out, that wasn't his fault,..it was theirs for putting him on the street. I don't see it that way and cannot believe this people tolerated it for as long as they did. My husband feels sorry for him even though he clearly did this to himself! My husband thinks I'm cold hearted for not feeling sorry for him. Sorry. Not sorry. lol

 

[Grmnshplvr]

Yes, this would my line in the sand as well.
It really would.
Sometimes one has to compromise and/or choose their battles.

It would be a hill that I might die on.

It will be over my cold dead body he mooches off of us. I work too hard for the things we have and I will not bring a stranger in to my home.

 

[klo1335]

No way! And you husband needs to get with the program

My SIL is 35 and is the same way. I have told my MIL that when they finally leave this earth, there will be no way that myself and my husband will be able to support his sister. She does have some mental health issues but refuses to get help for them. Her whole family thinks that her problems stem from her cronic migranes and not the fact that she is bi-polar and needs help but I digress.

 

[Ceila]

It really is, we've been together for 20 years now and honestly have a very laid back kind of relationship. we don't disagree on much of anything really. And for the most part while his brother was living with his girlfriends parents we never heard from him so it was a non issue, if they were ok with him mooching on them it wasn't my problem...now that he has been back in town it has been a consistent source of disagreements between my husband and I. I haven't caved, and I wont because the thought of him living for free in my home that I work hard for makes me see red. He does listen to my frustration, he just doesn't agree with it. The decision has been made, BIL is not staying with us. I just wish he would stop asking already! Part of the problem is that my husband and my MIL buy into BILs sob stories. He isn't the bad guy for not keeping a job and his girlfriends parents finally kicking him out, that wasn't his fault,..it was theirs for putting him on the street. I don't see it that way and cannot believe this people tolerated it for as long as they did. My husband feels sorry for him even though he clearly did this to himself! My husband thinks I'm cold hearted for not feeling sorry for him. Sorry. Not sorry. lol

Good for you! I'm sorry that you have to deal with your husband not seeing this. I guess since he grew up in an environment that allowed this to happen, I can see where his world view might be skewed to the point where he just doesn't see how wrong all of this is. Hugs, and stay strong!

 

[Disneylover99]

No way! Never, ever!
Sorry that your husband and his family are blind to your BIL's ways.
Stay strong and don't waver from your firm NO!

 

[EMom]

Take your husband to the mall, visit the Backbone Store and buy one for him.

Or when the useless BIL attempts to coerce you into letting him stay in your house by asking in front of a family group, you turn it around and suggest in front of them that HE get a job and support himself as an adult should. I'll be ...darned.... if I'd put up with this. Tell your DH to get off that guilt trip train and start expecting his brother to act like an adult. The family is not doing BIL any favors by carrying him. They have created a monster. You are smart not to feed and house the monster.

Not one person here has suggested you let BIL stay in your house. That is because only an imbecile would let him do it. Or an enabling family member, which your husband is. You say the issue is settled, but he keeps bringing it up. That means it isn't settled in his mind. I'm not even going to get into it here, but I'd quickly find a way to make my husband drop the issue and quit pestering me like a whining child.

 

[klo1335]

It's very hard for people who have dealt with it forever to really see what's going on. That's why they need a 3rd party involved for somethings. With my job I deal with a lot of families and their aging parents. it is very hard for the families to really understand and see what their parents are going through as they age. Families just don't see it the way an outside party does.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Thanks for answering with more info!
Yes, I agree with you and the others.
And, you are on the right track with hanging tough!!!
You definitely have the support that you were hoping for, here.

If BIL continues to still actively mooch and ask and hope, etc... Then this might be the hard part.
Sometimes the hardest thing is to let stuff like this roll like water off a duck's back.
Just don't engage in that whole 'conversation' your husband's family. Not even your husband.

If you can be less angry and emotionally vested, and have like a "Here we go again " type of attitude..
And not a kind of thing, then maybe that could help???

 

[PlutoPony]

Do you get the sense that your husband wishes his brother had a different / better life? Is there anything like that that you can build on by saying that giving the brother _______ (fill in the blank i.e. a place to crash, food, $, etc) doesn't help get bro closer to that kind of life? Or is the enabling so deeply embedded in his family's psyche that they don't see anything else but the status quo....?

 

[Wishing on a star]

That is an interesting point that PlutoPony brings up.
Do you think that, inside, your husband hopes that if he (and family) could help your brother, one day it might pay off.
A Florence Nightingale kind of thing.

To be honest, a person like this brother who, after this many years, at this age, has simply never seen a time where they have been able to pull it together, makes me greatly suspect factors like alcohol/substance abuse, or real developmental disability issues. And, that really is sad to think about, and hard to handle.

But, in the end, all support groups for people who are being used, abused, and expected to enable loved ones who have these kind of issues (AL-ANON, Battered Women, etc...) will all agree on ONE thing. The only real recourse is tough love. One has to let this person crash and burn on their own. Anything else is continuing to enable them. And this holds true until after this kind of person really does seem to be able to change their lives and turn things around.

 

[Grmnshplvr]

Do you get the sense that your husband wishes his brother had a different / better life? Is there anything like that that you can build on by saying that giving the brother _______ (fill in the blank i.e. a place to crash, food, $, etc) doesn't help get bro closer to that kind of life? Or is the enabling so deeply embedded in his family's psyche that they don't see anything else but the status quo....?

I think he truly believes his brother is in this position because of bad luck, bad jobs, bad bosses, bad girlfriends parents, etc. I dont think he really sees that he is in this situation because of pure laziness and entitlement. I do think he wants his brother to have a better life, but I dont think he agrees that his brother needs to do it on his own. Until this man hits rock bottom and people start telling him no he will just continue...because apparently living on your mothers couch and begging your brother and his wife for their couch is a better option than just going to work.

and yes the entitlement goes WAY beyond just his brother, MIL is an alcoholic and a hoarder and the entire family enables her as well.

 

[Grmnshplvr]

That is an interesting point that PlutoPony brings up.
Do you think that, inside, your husband hopes that if he (and family) could help your brother, one day it might pay off.
A Florence Nightingale kind of thing.

To be honest, a person like this brother who, after this many years, at their age, has simply never seen a time where they have been able to pull it together, makes me greatly suspect factors like alcohol/substance abuse, or real developmental disability issues. And, that really is sad to think about, and hard to handle.

But, in the end, all support groups for people who are being used, abused, and expected to enable others with these kind of issues will all agree on ONE thing. The only real recourse is tough love. One has to let this person crash and burn on their own. Anything else is continuing to enable them. And this holds true until this kind of person really does seem to be able to change their lives and turn things around.

You know if he had a substance abuse problem I would be able to at least understand the basis of this. But he doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, has never done drugs. He truly just wants to sleep all day and play video games. developmental disability for sure, he is incredibly smart, he could rebuild an entire computer...really the guy could be making a fortune because he is not stupid at all. He is just extremely lazy and has no ambition to change but i would think he'd have to be some what developmentally disabled to be totally ok with being homeless and having no money?

 

[PlutoPony]

Another tact - does your husband seem at all concerned that his brother's "lifestyle choice" might not be something you want your kids to see and potentially emulate in the future? I mean, at their age who wouldn't want to sleep late and play video games all day rather than study hard, work for a living, etc. You get put in the position of explaining (rationalizing) Uncle Bob's behavior without making him out to be a bad guy that you don't respect even though you don't. Tough line to straddle

 

[EMom]

BIL does have a career. He is a consummate moocher. People like him raise leeching off others to an art. It is a talent to be able to manipulate people so well for decades. He puts his efforts into playing others instead of working and it pays off for him.

 

[Wishing on a star]

OP, your description does sound a lot like an Asperger's kind of thing.
Even if there is some truth too that, what your BIL needs is some real assistance to deal with it... Not just being enabled.

I still agree that I would stand firm that this man is not staying in my home.

 

[jenrose66]

I'm going to let out a little vent here. My BIL is 40 years old, has been couch and job hopping since he was in his late teens. Has never held down a job for more than a few months and has never had his own apartment or house. He has gone from living at home, to grandparents, uncles, friends, girlfriends parents, back with his mom now. He has asked us several times if he could stay on our couch or in our garage...My husband said he'd be ok with it but I am not. He continues to ask even though the answer from me continues to be no. My children are 14 and 10 and they have met him maybe 5 times. It would be no different than inviting a stranger to come live with us. He is a slob and doesn't even pay rent when he does stay on someones couch. I am not supporting him, nor do I feel bad for the situation he is in. He is not homeless because of bad luck, he is homeless because of the consistent bad choices he has made. How is this my responsibility? He is always asking for a ride, money, place to stay etc. Every person in my husbands family has enabled him to the point that he now feels entitled to everyone else's stuff. I am the only one that does not feel sorry for him in the least. He will work for a few months, blow his money on video games and concerts, has a restricted license because he owes so many DMV fines, then he'll get lazy and quit the next job.

Yesterday he TOLD me he was thinking about house sitting for us while we are in Disney at the end of the month. He totally put me on the spot in front of their family and mine at our daughters birthday party. He even suggested it as if he was doing me a favor by staying in my house for the week. Then he says "I'll bring my own bed sheets for when my girlfriend comes". I swear on my children I could not make this up if I tried. Long story short, his girlfriend lives 5 hours away because her parents got sick of him mooching off them and kicked him out, so he came back here to live with MIL (after we told him no several times)

His girlfriend still lives with her parents (also 36 year old) but apparently they had enough of supporting him and finally kicked him out. His plan is for them to basically bum around my home for a week so they can have a place to themselves for a bit. He tried to make me feel guilty by telling me how awful it is at his moms. To me the perfect solution to that would be to get a job and get your own place for once in your life but what do I know.

After the party I told my husband I thought it was incredibly rude for his brother to put me on the spot like that in front of everyone. My husband doesn't seem to think its a big deal at all and that we should just let him stay. If he stays 1 week he may never leave! He lived with his girlfriends parents for the better part of 10 years! This continues to be an issue for my husband and I whenever it is brought up or he asks again. My husband gets very defensive when it comes to his older brother. I love my brother too but I am not blind to his behavior either.

No...just no! I would be very uncomfortable with BIL and his girlfriend with free reign of the place with no supervision. Plus bringing his own sheets?! Just yuck! And you are right. Once he is there good luck getting rid of him.

 

[Grmnshplvr]

Another tact - does your husband seem at all concerned that his brother's "lifestyle choice" might not be something you want your kids to see and potentially emulate in the future? I mean, at their age who wouldn't want to sleep late and play video games all day rather than study hard, work for a living, etc. You get put in the position of explaining (rationalizing) Uncle Bob's behavior without making him out to be a bad guy that you don't respect even though you don't. Tough line to straddle

My husband doesn't seem to be too concerned about it but I am very upfront and honest with my girls showing them the very obvious timeline of events that got him to where he is today. I'm not going to sugarcoat anything. The good thing is up until he moved back to town he has not been a presence in their life at all - we never even heard from him. Like I said my kids have met him maybe 5 times and our oldest is 14 years old. they dont even call him Uncle ....they call him by his first name.

 

[HM]

\ with being homeless and having no money?

But, he hasn't actually been homeless yet (I'm guessing) since someone always takes him in. He may actually have to BE homeless to get the point of going to work and making something of himself. Why do it if you don't have to?

 

[Grmnshplvr]

But, he hasn't actually been homeless yet (I'm guessing) since someone always takes him in. He may actually have to BE homeless to get the point of going to work and making something of himself. Why do it if you don't have to?

yeah that is true. He has never gotten to the point that he is literally sleeping outside. Because someone always steps in. As mean as it is sounds I think him going hungry and truly living outdoors for a bit would be enough to motivate him. But he never has to worry about that because no one in this family will tell him no.