When Do You Stop Wanting to Protect Your Child?

[luvsJack]

Whether they are 12, 22 or 42; how do you make yourself not want to protect them?

If you see a trainwreck coming in their lives by the choice they are making or the choices of others around them; do you warn them? I am not talking about choices like whether to use drugs or to drink I guess its more of the choices of the heart kind of stuff that I am talking about.

A 12 year old who has a friend that may be betraying them, or a 22 year old whose gf/bf is cheating or keeping some kind of secrets or a 30 year old whose marriage is fixing to blow up in their face. If you think they don't realize or see this happening, do you tell them?

Lets say its a 12 or 13 year old and she likes a boy. Her friend has a need to be the center of every boy's world and is betraying her friend by telling this boy things that are not true. Do you talk to your child about this kind of betrayal? Do you sit back and help her get over the hurt feeling later? I know, of course, that there is no "true love" involved here but there could be some very hurt feelings on the way.

Or another instance would be an adult child whose husband is betraying her. She may or may realize it but keeps hoping that they are working things out. It is obvious to you that the spouse is not doing anything any different. Do you say something?

I know the answer is probably no. But its very hard to watch that trainwreck happen.

These are two hypothetical examples, but not so far out there either. I have seen other moms dealing with this and I understand their struggle in wanting to say something.

 

[monkeybug]

I don't think you ever stop wanting to protect them, at least I hope not. I can't imagine not wanting to protect the people I love.
One thing to think about though is that people who don't make mistakes, don't grow. As hard as it is to watch that train coming and not run out and push them out of the way, sometimes you have to. Everyone has to learn to pick themselves up, brush it off and start anew sometime. In a way when we let our kids mess it all up from time to time, we are protecting them.
I think sometimes you say something about how you see that train wreck coming and then sit back and let them do what they will, sometimes you just don't say anything at all, and sometimes you try with all your might to shove them off the tracks because there is just too much risk.
I guess we just have to rely on our own instincts to know what is appropriate in each case. And of course we screw it all up from time to time too.

 

[Jennasis]

You never STOP wanting to protect them, but at some point you MUST let them make their own decisions and reap the consequences

 

[olwyngdh]

You never stop wanting to protect them, but they reach a point all you can do is listen and pray.

Took a few years, but my DD25 finally left the bum.

 

[ilovejack02]

My oldest is 21 , of course I want to protect him at all times ,but he is an adult and has to make his way in life on his own.

I say a few prayers for him nightly and hope for the best. So far so good. ; ) He isn't setting the world on fire, but he is doing ok.

 

[Hillbeans]

I am 39 and my dad still worries about me, and my boys are 9 and 5 and I imagine i'll feel the same way.

I do, however, think in order to grow as a person you have to go through some negativity first hand.

 

[HunnyPots]

I wish I knew! My oldest is 23 and I constantly have to fight the urge to protect and also to fix everything for her. I think it's even harder for her dad.

 

[C.Ann]

When you're dead.. Seriously..

But once they become adults, you have no choice but to step back and let them make their own decisions - even if you do see a "train wreck coming".. Of course if they ask for advice, then you should be honest in your response, but if they don't, you simply have to let them learn the hard way - as extremely difficult as that is..

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I don't look at as "protecting them" because that is totally illogical to me begin with. Do I help them out, sure, but I am not fixing everything for them. Depends on the circumstances really.

I will put in my 2 cents and it is up to them to decide what they are going to do, esp. if I see they are doing something stupid in some way.

I worry at times however I try and set it aside once I have said my piece and hope they figure it out.

Usually they will come to us for advice if it is something big or they are having some issues because we are talkers and they can talk things out with us.

 

[hereyago]

Well I have told DD12 about the "friends" that she will have to watch out for. I have told her about as a teenager" my friend" became an enemy and would now be classified as a stalker if that had happened now.

I have told her that she does not have to put up with anyone's crap, she can CHOOSE to hang around someone who may do things to hurt her, but if she chooses that then she has to deal with the aftermath.

As for the "adults" in the scenario. They may know that something is up, people a lot of times ignore that gut feeling, or whatever, but if you tell them, it may backfire on you and push them closer to the hurtful person.

 

[marie1203]

I think never. My mom and step-dad always asked me once I was over 18 if they can tell me their opinion on a situation if I feel like I wanted to hear their advice I will say yes if I felt I had the situation in control then i would thanked them and tell them no and they would respect that. When I was under age my mom will always tell me her advice and will tell me that I am going to learn the lesson either way I can take her path because she wants to teach me with love or I can take the harder way.

 

[NMAmy]

I guess I feel there is a difference between trying to protect your kids and giving them advice. I also think there is a huge difference between a situation with a younger child that you're still raising and an adult child who lives on their own.

It took a long time for us, but my mom and I are friends now. I value her advice.

DD is 20 and she and I are now leaving the parent/child relationship behind and are becoming friends. My thought is that as a friend, I would give someone advice and they are welcome to take it or leave it. I've been alive a lot longer than dd--why wouldn't I give her the benefit of my experience just like I would with any other younger friend? I wouldn't rush in and try to fix things but talking to them isn't the same thing.

If you had a friend who was struggling, would you just leave them to sort it out on their own as a part of life or would you try to support them? Why would it be different for your own adult child? I think you run into problems when you try to run the adult child's life for them but just advising them isn't over the top.

 

[bicker]

NOAH

Oh this son of mine I love so well
And all the toil it takes
I'd give to him a garden and keep clear of snakes
But the one thing he most treasures is to make his own mistakes ohhh
He goes charging on the cliffs of life
A reckless mountaineer
I could help him not to stumble
I could warn him what to fear
I could shout until I'm breathless
And he'd still refuse to hear ohhh

But you cannot close the acorn
Once the oak begins to grow
And you cannot close your heart
To what it fears and needs to know
That the hardest part of love
Is the letting go

As a child I found a sparrow
Who had fallen form the nest
And I nursed him back to health till he was stronger than the rest
But when I tried to hold it
It would peck and scratch my chest
Till I let it go
And I watched it fly away from me
With it's brightened self resolve
And part of me was cursing I had helped it grow so strong
And I feared it might go hungery and I feared it might go wrong ohhh

But I could not close the acorn
Once the oak began to grow
And I cannot close my heart
To what it fears and needs to know
That the hardest part of love

FATHER

Is the letting go

NOAH

Is the letting go

FATHER
And it's only in Eden grows a rose without a thorn
And your children start to leave you
On the day that they were born
They will leave you there to cheer for them
They will leave you there to mourn ever so
Like an ark on uncharted seas their lives will be tossed
And the deeper is your love for them
The crueler is the cost
And just when they start to find themselves
Is when you fear they're lost ohhh

NOAH and FATHER

But you cannot close the acorn
Once the oak begins to grow
And you cannot close your heart
To what it fears and needs to know

NOAH

That the hardest part of love

FATHER

And the rarest part of love

NOAH and FATHER

And the truest is part of love
Is the letting go​

http://www.stlyrics.com/lyrics/childrenofeden/hardestpartoflove.htm

 

[disneychic2]

There was once a man who came upon a cocoon. The butterfly inside was trying to get out. The man watched for some time, watching the slow seemingly painful struggle. Finally, he couldn't stand it any longer and took out his pocket knife and put a small slit at the opening of the cocoon. The butterfly slipped out easily. However, the butterfly could not fly and would soon die. You see, the struggle is what made the butterfly's wings strong enough to fly.

Hard as it may be, we have to let our children endure their struggles. It truly does make them stronger. Hard to do, I know, but that's what prayer is for, right?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I guess I feel there is a difference between trying to protect your kids and giving them advice. I also think there is a huge difference between a situation with a younger child that you're still raising and an adult child who lives on their own.

It took a long time for us, but my mom and I are friends now. I value her advice.

DD is 20 and she and I are now leaving the parent/child relationship behind and are becoming friends. My thought is that as a friend, I would give someone advice and they are welcome to take it or leave it. I've been alive a lot longer than dd--why wouldn't I give her the benefit of my experience just like I would with any other younger friend? I wouldn't rush in and try to fix things but talking to them isn't the same thing.

If you had a friend who was struggling, would you just leave them to sort it out on their own as a part of life or would you try to support them? Why would it be different for your own adult child? I think you run into problems when you try to run the adult child's life for them but just advising them isn't over the top.

I have an issue with the word "protect" to begin with. To me it seems controlling which if you have read any of my posts you know that it is one of the things I cannot stand.

My oldest is almost 20 and she is one of those kids that goes to the school of hard knocks...oh she is like me.She hates that. She is coming around and beginning to "talk" as an adult to me. It is hard for her to make that shift. She knows we are always open for talking and it really can tick her off sometimes. There are some hard things in her life to accept this yr and she is pretty angry.

Meanwhile I have a 14yodd who has been talking like an adult since birth.

Every personality is different and doing the same thing just does NOT work in my opinion. My kids know they can talk to us or any family for that matter, esp. my sister. So we have a lot of support around us. I do think that makes a difference in some way.

 

[Art 1]

Probably never.

 

[luvsJack]

Thanks everyone! Lots of nice ways to put things in there. Loved the story of the man and the cocoon and Father and Noah.


Its so hard sometimes to tell the difference in giving advice and meddling, ya know? Especially when its adult children. Even when they ask for advice, I am careful how I word things to make sure I am not overstepping what they are actually asking.

And I think with a younger child, its hard to see them make the same mistakes you made or go through the same pains as you did. But, I also know that without those mistakes they won't learn the same lessons either. I sometimes try to think what I would have liked to have known when trying to navigate jr. high. I NEVER say anything about dd's friends directly but I have said "sometimes you will meet girls that do . . . . "

My mom and I have these conversations sometimes about my kids and we have different things we seem to want to protect them from. For her its financial problems. She is always wanting to give financial advice and help them fix the problems. For me its more about emotional stuff. I have seen both of the oldest two with hurting hearts and that is the most painful thing in the world to me!

 

[LuvOrlando]

Never. I don't want to actually make their decisions for them but I will absolutely weigh in on what I think. If my child can't trust me to always voice what I think is in their best interests who can they trust? I will say what I think stand back and let them choose.

My kids are now 11 & 12 and I absolutely talk to them about the different sorts of people in their world. Good friends, allies, acquaintances, bad friends, manipulative friends, frenemies, abusive relationships, loving relationships... all of it, I say what I see. Still, I always make sure to close with, "I won't tell you who you can or can't be friends with, I trust you. You're a smart person with good judgment." Then they get a kiss and a hug I've been ending these sorts of conversations with my kids like this as far back as I can remember. To my mind, saying what I say gives them back the power. Of course, they always have the power over themselves anyway but I think it's important to acknowledge that I know it and respect it, KWIM

I don't expect to change when they get older, the problems will change but the conversations probably won't. Good luck, parenting is a really hard job

 

[luvsJack]

Never. I don't want to actually make their decisions for them but I will absolutely weigh in on what I think. If my child can't trust me to always voice what I think is in their best interests who can they trust? I will say what I think stand back and let them choose.

My kids are now 11 & 12 and I absolutely talk to them about the different sorts of people in their world. Good friends, allies, acquaintances, bad friends, manipulative friends, frenemies, abusive relationships, loving relationships... all of it, I say what I see. Still, I always make sure to close with, "I won't tell you who you can or can't be friends with, I trust you. You're a smart person with good judgment." Then they get a kiss and a hug I've been ending these sorts of conversations with my kids like this as far back as I can remember. To my mind, saying what I say gives them back the power. Of course, they always have the power over themselves anyway but I think it's important to acknowledge that I know it and respect it, KWIM

I don't expect to change when they get older, the problems will change but the conversations probably won't. Good luck, parenting is a really hard job

Isn't it though! My friends and I have had this conversation and everyone has so many different ways of approaching these things! Some never give any advice, some probably give too much--hard to find a happy medium.

 

[bicker]

Loved the story of the man and the cocoon and Father and Noah.

Just a bit more background on that... that's lyrics of one of the pivotal songs in Stephen Schwartz's musical Children of Eden.