When a Parent Dies and Loser Siblings Come Looking for Money

[tvguy]

I’m not sure about all states but tell her if she can charge fees for being executor to charge the maximum amount allowed.

I can't find any states that prohibit an executor from being paid.
In California, the compensation for an executor is determined by California Probate Code section 10800 and is calculated as follows:

• 4% on the first $100,000 of the estate's value
• 3% on the next $100,000 of the estate's value
• 2% on the next $800,000 of the estate's value
• 1% on the next $9 million of the estate's value
• 5% on the next $15 million of the estate's value
• A reasonable amount, as determined by the court, for all amounts above $25 million

 

[tvguy]

We have a situation in our family where the executor of the estate has not settled the estate and it has been three years. There is a house to be cleaned out and sold, and putting off the sale is doing nothing but reduce the cash assets of the estate. Taxes, insurance, upkeep eating up cash. Nothing anyone can do, because it isn't worth disrupting the family peace. But it would nice to have it settled.

 

[SteveH]

Been there, done that. Haven't talked to my brother in 15-years due to it, and zero regrets. Sorry you are going through this, sadly it's not uncommon.

Lesson I learned is you get to choose your friends, but you don't choose your family. That doesn't mean you have to be friends with them or even talk with them.

 

[china mom]

Lesson I learned from being a caregiver with non-helpful siblings.

1) My goal is to not live with either of my kids when I reach the point of needing that much care. Moving my mother in with me was very disruptive to my children's lives and they gave up a lot due to her being there.

2) if for some reason, one of my children does become my caregiver, either pay them a generous stipend or make provisions in the will for them to receive more.

I took my mother in out of familial obligation and compassion. Two of my three brothers took, took, took from her their whole lives and did not visit her one single time while she was living with me, make less help me with anything. And they did not live so far away that it would have been a burden to visit.

After she died, I found out that she had rewritten her will several years prior and had left much larger sums to the two who were leeches. It was not about the money but rathe the incredible resentment and feelings of betrayal I felt over her doing that.

Slightly in her defense, she did re-write the will before she needed to move in with me and receive around the clock care and, apparently never considered changing it back to equal distribution.

My lesson leaned: Hope that your children take care of you out of love but appreciate that even with love, they wil be making sacrifices. Show your appreciation and respect for the sacrifice by acknowledging it while you can (if you can) and also in your will.

 

[Kitty 34]

When we (my 4 siblings and I) lost our mother two years ago and then our Dad last summer it became very apparent that a couple of the siblings were quite money driven. It definitely divided what once was a "close" family unit. That's all I will say because it still hurts.

 

[RUDisney]

Please allow me to give a different perspective... and I'm not suggesting this is the situation of your cousin, but it is for my DH.

DMIL has round the clock care in her home. There are 5 children and 3 of them pay for the care because one won't and the other doesn't work. The one who doesn't work is at her house a lot. SO many care givers have quit because of her. SIL is crazy... evil crazy. She makes things miserable in the house and so not everyone visits as often as they can because SIL is there.

My other SIL is in the medical field, but has deferred decisions to her sister because it isn't worth the argument... science vs. what SIL knows to be true. For example, years ago, MIL had her esophagus torn during a procedure. She was in ICU and fought hard to survive. Until it was healed, she was not allowed acidic or spicy foods. DMIL lived on pasta sauce and spicy peppers before this. I cooked on the weekends and we took food up for her, but don't anymore, since this is what we eat, too. The doctors said she can eat these again, but crazy SIL refuses to allow her to have any.

When DMIL passes, crazy SIL will want the house and all of her possessions. She has already taken a lot from the house. She will say it is because she took care of her mother and no one else did. She will forget about the money we've spent for her care. She won't understand that we don't visit as much because she is there and combative when we do. She won't remember the nights my DH and DS stayed at her house when we are between care givers.

Her siblings are aligned that we will have nothing further to do with their sister when they no longer have to keep the peace for their mothers' sake. Aside from the house, she really has no other assets. I'm sure that her jewelry has already been taken by her daughter. I'm sure she will also take all of her mother's photographs if she hasn't taken most of them yet. The photos are what would be valuable to everyone, even as copies, but we'll never see them.

Aren't families' fun?

 

[Disneefun]

Thank you all for reminding me to be happy about being an only child! While dealing with my parents' estate alone has been a sad, stressful, and lonely process, I'm reminded it could be worse. At least in my case, all decisions are final and there's no fighting or bitterness.

 

[TippyThomas]

Thank you all for reminding me to be happy about being an only child! While dealing with my parents' estate alone has been a sad, stressful, and lonely process, I'm reminded it could be worse. At least in my case, all decisions are final and there's no fighting or bitterness.

Agree completely. Amazing how easy it was compared to some of the nightmare scenarios I've read about.

 

[TAX GUY]

Working in public accounting, I've seen others deal with each end of this. Death and money make people.....weird.

My parents are now taking the steps to get their affairs in order, knowing they're aging and after two health scares, they want to make sure it's in place now. I already know when the time comes, it won't be as smooth as they are hoping it will be. I hope I'm wrong, but all the signs are and have been there for some time now.

Sorry for your cousin and what they're going through and will go through, until this is all settled.

 

[Disneefun]

Agree completely. Amazing how easy it was compared to some of the nightmare scenarios I've read about.

Yeah, the lawyer told me that even the court won't really care what I do, as long as I make a good faith effort and pay any debts/taxes owed. Beyond that, if I don't sell everything for the best price, or fail to notice that some artwork is actually very valuable or something, they don't care because the only person I'm screwing here is myself. It's not like I'm cheating some siblings out of something.

 

[Dznypal]

Not sure if this is the same thing others mentioned but we found out about this when my DH grandma passed. Since DH uncle lived out of state so everything fell on my FIL. After everything was fine the lawyer said since FIL took care of everything he was entitled to a percentage more then uncle
So when my mom passed I made sure I told my brother to check into this since he was trustee.
I was happy brother find out he could get this but then he was nice and split it with me.
There are 4 of us sis lives out of state and youngest brother didn’t do anything when it came time to clean out the house except for his amp. That he made sure to get
Sorry for your loss
Hope things work out for you

 

[AussieFan8]

Thank you all for reminding me to be happy about being an only child! While dealing with my parents' estate alone has been a sad, stressful, and lonely process, I'm reminded it could be worse. At least in my case, all decisions are final and there's no fighting or bitterness.

Thank you for reminding me of the bright side of being an only. My biggest stress about having an only is her having to deal with everything by herself. But as one of three with a father who just passed, I can relate to a lot of the stressors people are mentioning on this thread.

 

[DisneYE]

Very normal behavior... well maybe not normal... how about frequent and not uncommon

Yep.. as evidenced by some of the other comments on this thread.
Similar things happened to me, and countless other friends, acquaintances.

And, it's also a frequent occurrence in all society, all walks of life, all countries, regardless of class. I've seen really poor people, almost destitute, bicker/fight over a house or a piece of land that isn't worth more than 4 figure$ ... money rules over a lot of people, it's all they think about.
But I get it, when money is/was scarce in life, not having it or the prospect of having a little of it, drives a lot of people insane.

 

[neverlandsky]

I've learned that weddings and funerals will show relatives true colors. I've also witness relatives being drained of everything as well before their passing. BTDT. Our circle is extremely small now. (((HUGS)))

Best to not make any major decisions for 6-12 months. Things do take a bit to process and are not immediately processed. I would have cousin tell their siblings, you're in the loop and when I know, you'll know. It's unfortunately strictly business going forward and has to treat it as so.

 

[Pink Partridge]

After she died, I found out that she had rewritten her will several years prior and had left much larger sums to the two who were leeches. It was not about the money but rathe the incredible resentment and feelings of betrayal I felt over her doing that.

I winced when I read this. So incredibly hurtful. I am sorry that happened. I wonder if she was coerced into changing the will by your siblings?

 

[china mom]

Not sure if this is the same thing others mentioned but we found out about this when my DH grandma passed. Since DH uncle lived out of state so everything fell on my FIL. After everything was fine the lawyer said since FIL took care of everything he was entitled to a percentage more then uncle
So when my mom passed I made sure I told my brother to check into this since he was trustee.
I was happy brother find out he could get this but then he was nice and split it with me.
There are 4 of us sis lives out of state and youngest brother didn’t do anything when it came time to clean out the house except for his amp. That he made sure to get
Sorry for your loss
Hope things work out for you

Some states call the person who handles the estate "executor" and some call it "Personal Representative" My state, and I assume most, provides for a fee to go to the executor and the fee, at least in my state, is a percentage of the estate.

However, if you use a lawyer, they get paid out of that percentage first. I hired a lawyer for my mother's estate due to the real estate and the estranged relationship between my brothers and I. well worth paying him out of my extra share.

When my one brother died, I did take my percentage and when the following one died, I did not. It is not required that you take it.

 

[china mom]

I winced when I read this. So incredibly hurtful. I am sorry that happened. I wonder if she was coerced into changing the will by your siblings?

Thank you for saying that. No, she was no coerced. She always felt that he needed more because he never worked and lived in near poverty. She supported him while she was alive and again after she died and he could not be bothered to come visit her for the years she lived with me - and I did make it clear that he should come see her when she went on in home hospice care and the end was nigh.

 

[tvguy]

Working in public accounting, I've seen others deal with each end of this. Death and money make people.....weird.

My parents are now taking the steps to get their affairs in order, knowing they're aging and after two health scares, they want to make sure it's in place now. I already know when the time comes, it won't be as smooth as they are hoping it will be. I hope I'm wrong, but all the signs are and have been there for some time now.

Sorry for your cousin and what they're going through and will go through, until this is all settled.

No offense, but uncooperative and greedy lawyers and accountants can gum up the works if there is any cash in an estate. A friend is executor of another friend's estate.....not a parent. Been over 3 years. First the attorney would not allow the deceased car to be sold. The cost of insurance, registration and repairs made necessary because the car was mostly sitting cost nearly as much as the car was worth. Half the estate has been allowed to be dispersed, but the accountant says they can't move forward until 2025 taxes are calculated and paid in 2026. Lawyer and accountant bills are eating away at the final undistributed cash. Executor has been ready to settle the estate for 2 years.

 

[PollyannaMom]

Sorry for your loss

 

[fly girl]

My dh has been executor for his parents and his brother. I will absolutely attest that death brings out the vultures. I was shocked and heartbroken at how greedy some family members were, and the lengths they went behind everyone's back preceding the deaths to get all of the inheritance. And by no means had they fallen on hard times and were in dire need. It was just one hundred percent plain greed.

Reading all of these stories reaffirms that no family is immune to disfunction and issues. We all have them. Those who have lived it feel for poor OP's cousin. I wish her comfort with her mom's passing, and strength to deal with the siblings.