When a Parent Dies and Loser Siblings Come Looking for Money

[slo]

It’s always so sad to hear when this happens.

My DH has no siblings and I have a brother who left our family in 2015 (my mother has disinherited him) so I’m basically an only child. At times I feel overwhelmed with thinking we have no help with our 4 elderly parents, but then when I hear stories like the OPs I’m good with it. We may not have help, but we also don’t have the aggravation of lazy greedy siblings.

My neighbor works for an attorney and she said it’s heartbreaking how she sees families torn apart by greed after parents die - so sad.

 

[Pooh2]

This is a stressful thread to read through!
My 83 year old mother refuses to make a will or address any end of life issues.
Two siblings are already at war with each other, this is going to be a real fun time.

 

[kymom99]

It’s always so sad to hear when this happens.

My DH has no siblings and I have a brother who left our family in 2015 (my mother has disinherited him) so I’m basically an only child. At times I feel overwhelmed with thinking we have no help with our 4 elderly parents, but then when I hear stories like the OPs I’m good with it. We may not have help, but we also don’t have the aggravation of lazy greedy siblings.

My neighbor works for an attorney and she said it’s heartbreaking how she sees families torn apart by greed after parents die - so sad.

When my mom passed away, my brother took care of her estate. We met with our family lawyer after everything was resolved. He actually complimented us on how we handled everything. He said that’s not always the case and that our parents would be proud. I’ll never forget it. It meant a lot.

 

[QueenIsabella]

We found my MIL's estate lawyer to be invaluable, walking us through the whole process after MIL died. Like any area, there are good lawyers and bad--ours was worth every penny. She also employed an estate accountant, who did all the filings/paperwork around MIL's passing. Everything was handled, and we were confident that all laws were followed. Since settling an estate is something that most people rarely do, it was comforting to know we were working with someone who did this for a living.

On the good side, DH and his brother (his only sibling) got along well through the process. I will say that, behind the scenes, I was reminding DH to overlook the inequities of the past few decades, in the interest of maintaining a relationship with his brother. (There was a long history of unpaid "loans" and other shenanigans) They weren't worth fighting over, IMHO.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

When my grandmother died in 2019 they went through the whole process for about 2 years. The power of attorney had already been with my uncle.

One of my aunts, the only one who lived out of the area, was considered the black sheep of the family. She never really got her life together. She would often call up my grandmother and ask her for money for rent, utilities, you name it often lying about why the power was shut off for example. By the time of my grandmother's death it was estimated over the years about $30K to $35K my aunt had gotten from my grandmother who doted on her because she was the youngest and seemingly favorite. It only really stopped when they had to take away my grandmother's cards so she wouldn't tell my aunt the card information; this was after getting new card numbers.

That aunt wasn't the one to come up to take any sort of care for my grandmother as her time neared nor had she ever really taken care of her once she moved out of the area years ago. But for the estate purposes she was owed her portion and the attorneys advised that the money given could not be used to reduce her portion as it was considered freely given.

Quickly after my grandmother's death she came for unimportant items like ice skating shoes. When my grandfather had passed away 10 years prior to swooped in to take tools my grandfather had had.

What they were most concerned about however was the half of the duplex that was still in my grandmother's name but she hadn't lived there in years after moving into assisted living. Instead my autistic aunt (the eldest child) had lived there. Technically that home should have been sold and the money split 5 ways but my autistic aunt doesn't need money she needs housing so it was worked out that in lieu of taking money from the estate she would maintain that home as her "portion". Everyone was on pins and needles hoping the one aunt would agree to this, sign off on this and not put up a stink about it. No one was doing it for their own gain just to keep my autistic aunt in housing in a stable environment. In the end the one aunt did agree to this.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

We may not have help, but we also don’t have the aggravation of lazy greedy siblings.

A lot can also be dealing with emotional investments. The one(s) who are around the person in need of care the most often feel the most emotionally invested and rightfully so get agitated when the realities of estate division come around. Some of it is bound by state laws which further can compound the agitation.

 

[evilmommie]

Families can just really suck sometimes, @Pink Partridge. I’m sorry that your cousin has to go through this really difficult situation. It sounds like she has a great heart!

We hired a trust attorney and fiduciaries to handle our estate after we both pass. All four of our children get along, but money changes people and we don’t to put the burden on one of our children of being the executor.

My situation with my parents will be very interesting…when they go…as I haven’t spoken to my sister, my only sibling in over 5 years. (I helped her youngest son out in a crisis and he turned dangerous…long story) I know that I’m their POA for health decisions, but I have no idea what they are doing from a financial situation in their trust. Knowing them they are donating all of their remaining assets to a dog rescue.

 

[gmi3804]

It's sad what hopes of inheritance will do to some people.

True, but in this case, it didn't do anything to the two deadbeats who are now going to inherit.

 

[longboard55]

What money? I have 3 brothers that basically cleaned my parent out with their endless bailouts.

 

[focusondisney]

Reading this thread has made me so thankful for my family. Dad died in 2015, mom died 3 years ago. I have 5 siblings, all in the area, although 1 lives about an hour away. Both parents died at home after long years of declining health. Mom had multiple strokes & dementia at the end, although thankfully never to the point of forgetting her family. We worked together to keep her home, making schedules to be with her 24/7 for the last 2 years, especially with Covid happening. Siblings & I are all in our 60s & 70s, so that certainly wasn’t easy.

Mom was a hoarder & our parents let the house fall into disrepair. It has taken 3 years to empty the house. It was listed for sale last Sunday, ( ironically 3 years to the day she passed) & offers are due at 4 pm today. We are going to youngest sister’s for take out Italian dinner in a few hours before we meet with the realtor to review & make a decision on the offers.

Our whole goal during our parents illnesses, deaths & the long process of settling the estate has been to get thru it still being as close as we have always been. A few of us have wanted to move quicker than others, but we waited and the others pushed themselves at times. Except for a few minor episodes as the pressure got to one or the other of us, we seem to be really close to making it. Feeling very blessed to have the siblings I do. I am so sorry for those that aren’t so lucky.

 

[barkley]

When my grandmother died in 2019 they went through the whole process for about 2 years. The power of attorney had already been with my uncle.

One of my aunts, the only one who lived out of the area, was considered the black sheep of the family. She never really got her life together. She would often call up my grandmother and ask her for money for rent, utilities, you name it often lying about why the power was shut off for example. By the time of my grandmother's death it was estimated over the years about $30K to $35K my aunt had gotten from my grandmother who doted on her because she was the youngest and seemingly favorite. It only really stopped when they had to take away my grandmother's cards so she wouldn't tell my aunt the card information; this was after getting new card numbers.

That aunt wasn't the one to come up to take any sort of care for my grandmother as her time neared nor had she ever really taken care of her once she moved out of the area years ago. But for the estate purposes she was owed her portion and the attorneys advised that the money given could not be used to reduce her portion as it was considered freely given.

Quickly after my grandmother's death she came for unimportant items like ice skating shoes. When my grandfather had passed away 10 years prior to swooped in to take tools my grandfather had had.

What they were most concerned about however was the half of the duplex that was still in my grandmother's name but she hadn't lived there in years after moving into assisted living. Instead my autistic aunt (the eldest child) had lived there. Technically that home should have been sold and the money split 5 ways but my autistic aunt doesn't need money she needs housing so it was worked out that in lieu of taking money from the estate she would maintain that home as her "portion". Everyone was on pins and needles hoping the one aunt would agree to this, sign off on this and not put up a stink about it. No one was doing it for their own gain just to keep my autistic aunt in housing in a stable environment. In the end the one aunt did agree to this.

I hope for your ASD auntie's sake that the side of the duplex she lives in is in a trust for her or somehow otherwise protected cuz i've seen (known ) the greedy/user family member move from person to person taking advantage. it may be years in between but they often are eyeballing who they can use.

 

[tvguy]

What money? I have 3 brothers that basically cleaned my parent out with their endless bailouts.

Don't forget there could be things like life insurance. And of course thinks like a house.

 

[Willow Ufgood]

Don't forget there could be things like life insurance. And of course thinks like a house.

Yes. Life insurance goes directly to the beneficiary. So do IRAs and 401ks. If there's a joint savings or checking account only half belongs to the estate and the other half belongs to the joint owner.

When Mom passed in 2019, there was a lot to untangle. She had inherited Dad's IRA and placed me as the beneficiary. My brother (and his wife) were acting as executors of her will. My SIL wanted to deduct the money in the IRA from my share of the inheritance. But while you could inherit an IRA, you couldn't withdraw from it without penalty until you reached a certain age. So the bulk of my inheritance would have been tied up for years. The rules changed a bit in 2020 for inherited IRAs. I told her no. The IRA was not part of the estate. It was mine to do with as I saw fit. I ended up cashing it out, taking the tax hit, and sent each sibling an equal share. The rest of Mom's estate was tied up due to other complications but her life insurance, 401k (on which she had named all of us as beneficiaries) were dispersed pretty quickly.

 

[tvguy]

Yes. Life insurance goes directly to the beneficiary. So do IRAs and 401ks. If there's a joint savings or checking account only half belongs to the estate and the other half belongs to the joint owner.

When Mom passed in 2019, there was a lot to untangle. She had inherited Dad's IRA and placed me as the beneficiary. My brother (and his wife) were acting as executors of her will. My SIL wanted to deduct the money in the IRA from my share of the inheritance. But while you could inherit an IRA, you couldn't withdraw from it without penalty until you reached a certain age. So the bulk of my inheritance would have been tied up for years. The rules changed a bit in 2020 for inherited IRAs. I told her no. The IRA was not part of the estate. It was mine to do with as I saw fit. I ended up cashing it out, taking the tax hit, and sent each sibling an equal share. The rest of Mom's estate was tied up due to other complications but her life insurance, 401k (on which she had named all of us as beneficiaries) were dispersed pretty quickly.

Correct. And these can be overlooked because they are not known.
5 years after my MIL passed, we got a letter from her Credit Union reminding her she had to start RMD from her IRA. What IRA? We thought we knew about everything and had closed everything out. Well, turns out the Credit Union contracted with an outside firm to send out reminders so they didn't get in trouble for not forcing people to start the withdrawals. They never told the outside firm that she had died and the IRA distributed.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I hope for your ASD auntie's sake that the side of the duplex she lives in is in a trust for her or somehow otherwise protected cuz i've seen (known ) the greedy/user family member move from person to person taking advantage. it may be years in between but they often are eyeballing who they can use.

I hope so as well and as far as I know they protected her housing after the estate was all settled because up until the point of my grandmother's death it had still been in my grandmother's name with her death they would have needed to change the ownership of the property. It's in a 55+ age community but that one black sheep aunt is past that age and even though I don't think she's the worst of the worst individuals she would take advantage of the situation given the opportunity.

My uncle has power of attorney over my autistic aunt's financial situation (and has after my grandmother's health started getting worse) so they would have set it up I'm sure to protect her as they've been used to do that for my aunt's whole life.

 

[longboard55]

One thing on life insurance, they often still have money even if they stopped making payments. My FIL stopped making payments once his wife died and he claimed he had no life insurance, but we found several certificates and were able to cash them in. Just make sure you have the the living trust and death certificate and it was easy to cash in.

 

[Pink Partridge]

Thank you everyone for these compassionate replies and your experiences. I will share them with my cousin.

 

[barkley]

If there's a joint savings or checking account only half belongs to the estate and the other half belongs to the joint owner.

generally a joint savings, checking or 'share' (credit union version of savings) account has a right of survivorship provision and the surviving named person owns all that is in the account which passes outside of probate. it works the same with accounts that have named P.O.D.'s. that said-in some states/at some financial institutions you can set up a joint account with NO survivorship and if either party passes the monies become part of the estate of the deceased. where I live it's common when you go into an brick and mortar financial institution to open an account to be given a verbal and written disclosure detailing your options.

It's in a 55+ age community but that one black sheep aunt is past that age and even though I don't think she's the worst of the worst individuals she would take advantage of the situation given the opportunity.

my brother did-he was old enough to meet the age criteria so he sobbed talked my mom into letting him move into her senior place. it was nightmare dealing with all the financial abuse he did to her b/c he could influence her 24/7 (or wear her down ). management for the place could'nt do anything b/c he met the age criteria and it was her legal right to let him be there.

One thing on life insurance, they often still have money even if they stopped making payments.

before mom passed in 2011 i found monies sitting with the state of california from a life insurance policy that best my mom could remember dated back to the 1930's when HER mother passed and a well meaning relative started very small policies for my mom/her sister so that if anything happened to either there would be some means for the survivor to cover the funeral costs. mom said the relative stopped paying when each married in the late 30's/early 40's so they never gave it another thought.

it's worthwhile to check the state data bases for unclaimed monies/property for any state someone's resided in OR has a family connection to.