I bet you I can top all of these.
PLEASE NOTE: This entire posting is true. I have the items to prove it. Many, many times I trot these things out to show to non believing friends, and we spend a good hour ROTFL. The only reason why I kept this junk is because it IS humorous!
Unfortunately, my ex husband's grandmother and his father are REALLY BIZARRE! They have a lot of money, but spend it oddly. For our first Christmas together, this is what we received:
Ex hubby received: A 36 piece tool set in a neon blue box missing the hammer, two screwdrivers (out of 5), all of the wrenches..featuring an electrical taped handle.
An internet telephone book that was dog-eared and paperclipped in various areas, with hand written web addresses on the front (I checked out one of two of the sites that were on there...they were porn sites).
A pair of 2 sizes too big black jeans that smelled exactly the way a moldy ashtray would.
A half eaten box chocolate covered cherries from their dog. The dog didn't like them, so he shared them with my ex. I kid you not.
I received:
Candles. Now, I love candles. I adore candles. I'm a little pyromaniac. I do NOT, however, love old yellowed nasty candles that look like something you'd find in the bottom of a Salvation Army dumpster. I received a pillar candle with a molded Santa Claus on it. The candle was once white. It was now a nicotine yellow. The Santa had partially melted somehow (With age, I believe), and one of his eyes had run halfway down his face so he had this vampire-type stare. The plastic wrap was warped and sticky. My second candle was one that his grandmother stuck tacks into. Green, red, silver thumbtacks. I don't know why.
A bar of homemade soap. No wrapping. By "homemade" I mean little balls of used Irish Spring, Dove, Caress and Lava that had been smashed together into a giant ball of soap. The grandmother thought that I liked decorative soaps. Again, I kid you not.
5 pairs of underwear. Had masking tape handwritten price stickers of 25 cents written on them. A few featured holes in them.
The next Christmas, we were 2 months away from having our daughter, so we received gifts for her as well.
My ex received:
A wallet. A wallet that was so old that when you tried to fold it, the pleather cracked and tore. It had an old JC Penny's tag inside that said something about the 50's. When you opened the flaps of the wallet, they stuck together.
A dreamcatcher. It had obviously hung up in someone's vehicle because it reeked of cigarette smoke, and was sticky with nicotine. The feathers were stuck together. I used to kid that the only thing that would catch would be nightmares.
A bullet watch. This watch had a gun chamber as the top cover, and bullets as the wristband.
I received:
A cow lawn sprinkler. The feet featured mud and grass already caked in. It stood a few feet tall, and you were supposed to put the hose into it's tail to water the lawn.
Bedroom slippers. I told the grandmother that I needed new slippers. I received a blue pair, three sizes too small, almost grimy black foot imprints already inside.
"Fruit" candles. Three jars of candles that were "fruit" scented. The jars were so sticky that I could never open them.
A pendant necklace of sorts. It was a HUGE black ball thing on a clunky silver chain with dirty links. My ex put it over his eye and walked around saying "ARUGH!" for awhile under his grandmother got pissy with him.
A highchair for my daughter. It had Mickey Mouse on it. It also had someone else's lunch on it from at least a year ago.
A crib for my daughter. It had been freshly painted. It still had bite marks on the railings.
Last Christmas, our last Christmas together, wielded these fun gifts:
He received:
A "Japanese Anime" jacket. A huge black parka (remember, we live in Florida) that had a giant red dragon on the back. It had dried mucous on the front. Inside the pockets was a used snot rag and a chewed up, exploded ball point pen. Again, I kid you not. We found those beauties later that week when re-investigating the presents.
A leather Miami Dolphins jacket. It had once been leather. Now, it was a filthy sticky mess that should have been thrown away. Both of these jackets were confiscated from tenant's evicted apartments. His father was very proud to tell us this.
I received:
A one time use disposable camera. IT WAS NEW! WOW!
A tile mouse potholder. The tile was cracked and dirty. The mouse scared me.
A picture frame. The frame featured a picture of someone I didn't know. I thought it was one of those papers that you get in a brand new picture frame, but no...it had "FRANK" written on the back in big bold letters.
My daughter received:
A sippy cup. The lid had been chewed quite badly. The cup itself was nice and scratched.
A piggy bank. It was a huge water cooler bottle that had been spray painted pink, had black/gold stickers spelling "MADISON JANE LEWIS 2/27/01" on it, a red bow made out of pipe cleaners that was wrapped around the top. It had a quarter in it. A whole quarter.
A singing Dalmatian dog. It had something like mud ground into the feet. At least, I hope it was mud.
An opened package of diapers. Winn-Dixie had a sale on opened products. The grandmother was excited.
A clown mobile. It was missing one clown. I hate clowns, too.
My ex FIL told me that he was going to get me some lingerie, but he didn't know what my size was. He exclaimed out loud that he had a whole drawer full of used women's underwear and bras that I could dig through and pick something, but they probably wouldn't fit me because (and these were his exact words) my "hoogies were too big." Yes, he said this in front of all of us.
Finally, we received a feast of homemade pork and cornbread to take home. The cornbread was hard as a rock and tasted odd. We later found out that the grandmother had cooked it halfway, took it out of the oven to run some errands for about an hour and a half, came home and put it back in to finish cooking. The pork was wormy. My ex ate about half of the pork (I didn't have any, it tasted funny), and we put the rest in the fridge. About an hour later, he was seriously ill. He was sick a good two weeks. The next day, I went to get something out of the fridge and I noticed the Tupperware appeared to be moving. The pork had not been cooked properly and had worms in it. A nice MERRY CHRISTMAS! to us.
What was weird was the grandmother is in her 80's and is very smart, and buys brand new items for her son and her other grandchildren. My ex was supposed to be her "favorite grandchild" but from all of those gifts, who the heck knows. She would wrap up $100 in gold coins and give them to my ex's father as a present from their dogs. She also had us build him a new computer last year and said that it was completely from her.
Who knows. All I know is that this year, I won't receive any craptacular gifts. Thank God.
MORT-I-FIED - It is no wonder we don't speak anymore. 
