What's a good wedding shower gift for this situation?

[EllenFrasier]

Background: My niece got involved with someone and got pregnant. Then she got pregnant again by that same person. Then she got married. She knew how I felt about the person she was involved with - I tried, I really did - but the writing was on the wall so to speak and I just felt like she was throwing her life away. I didn't say anything to her but I think my sister knew how I felt and probably told her. I went to her first baby shower and he was there with her. The second baby shower was held and I was told not to come. When they got married, they had a simple wedding ceremony in front of a judge and a small get together at my sister's, which I was also told not to come to. My feelings were not hurt as I really don't like weddings and I did not send a gift. Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on how you look at it, her marriage did not last. She moved to a bigger apartment after the wedding and he never moved in with her. Instead, he stayed in their original apartment with his mother and the other cling-on family members that were living there with them. Since then, they have divorced and he has given up his parental rights. Never paid child support.
Now, a couple years later, she is marrying someone else. This person seems to treat her well, cares for her children, etc. and she is happy. They are getting married this Spring. My sister asked me if I would come if I was invited. Weird way of putting it, but I told her that I would try to if at all possible (I have taken the time off from work). So today she emailed me that her other daughter will be holding a bridal shower for my niece. So after two children and a failed marriage, she is having a bridal shower. She has been living with this next husband for over two years so I am at a loss as to what to buy them. They are financially strapped and cannot afford a big wedding, just getting married in the church and having a dinner in the hall downstairs with people bringing food (I've been informed I will be asked to make something too).
We are not well off either. Not quite as strapped as they are. They are paycheck to paycheck. We might be able to survive a month without the paycheck. Do you think I should give them money and how much is okay for a wedding shower? I could get them nice bath towels or something like that instead? I'm not good at getting wedding shower gifts for people anyway.

 

[Tinkerbelle32]

Gosh, for the wedding shower some new bath towels, hand towels, and a few washclothes would be more than acceptable. Keep an eye on JC Penney, they run their bath towels on sale quite often. I think they call them the big ones! HA! Anyway, I think I got mine on sale for $3 a piece. They are quite nice to. Or, you could do a Wal-Mart gift card. If they are strapped, they might need to use the card for groceries. Give what you feel comfortable with. Good luck!

 

[dismom301930]

Gift Card in an amount you are comfortable with to a large store close to them (think Walmart, Target, etc.) where they can purchase just about anything, including towels if they currently need them.

 

[pixiewings71]

For the bridal I would do a gift, I think towels would be a great gift idea personally. Or maybe a nice bottle of wine and some glasses or a corkscrew? Or perhaps some nice picture frames with a note saying to use them for family photos. I think if you attend the wedding that would be the right time for a gift card or cash. The shower should be something practical but something they may not get for themselves.

 

[Marionnette]

Background: My niece got involved with someone and got pregnant. Then she got pregnant again by that same person. Then she got married. She knew how I felt about the person she was involved with - I tried, I really did - but the writing was on the wall so to speak and I just felt like she was throwing her life away. I didn't say anything to her but I think my sister knew how I felt and probably told her. I went to her first baby shower and he was there with her. The second baby shower was held and I was told not to come. When they got married, they had a simple wedding ceremony in front of a judge and a small get together at my sister's, which I was also told not to come to. My feelings were not hurt as I really don't like weddings and I did not send a gift. Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on how you look at it, her marriage did not last. She moved to a bigger apartment after the wedding and he never moved in with her. Instead, he stayed in their original apartment with his mother and the other cling-on family members that were living there with them. Since then, they have divorced and he has given up his parental rights. Never paid child support.
Now, a couple years later, she is marrying someone else. This person seems to treat her well, cares for her children, etc. and she is happy. They are getting married this Spring. My sister asked me if I would come if I was invited. Weird way of putting it, but I told her that I would try to if at all possible (I have taken the time off from work). So today she emailed me that her other daughter will be holding a bridal shower for my niece. So after two children and a failed marriage, she is having a bridal shower. She has been living with this next husband for over two years so I am at a loss as to what to buy them. They are financially strapped and cannot afford a big wedding, just getting married in the church and having a dinner in the hall downstairs with people bringing food (I've been informed I will be asked to make something too).
We are not well off either. Not quite as strapped as they are. They are paycheck to paycheck. We might be able to survive a month without the paycheck. Do you think I should give them money and how much is okay for a wedding shower? I could get them nice bath towels or something like that instead? I'm not good at getting wedding shower gifts for people anyway.

Congratulations to your neice for being able to move on with her life and for finding someone to share that new life with. If you will be going to the shower then I think a wrapped gift of something practical would be appropriate. If you know her color scheme then a set of nice bath towels sounds very nice. Perhaps you could add some scented soaps or a pretty jar of bath salts as well. If you will not be able to attend the shower then a gift card mailed in a pretty card with a personal note will let her know that you're there in spirit.

 

[Disneychix]

I guess I might ask your sister or niece if there's anything particular they want/need. Otherwise I agree with PP suggestion of GC to store near them.

 

[dismom301930]

If you will be going to the shower then I think a wrapped gift of something practical would be appropriate. If you know her color scheme then a set of nice bath towels sounds very nice. Perhaps you could add some scented soaps or a pretty jar of bath salts as well.

I don't disagree with a typical bridal shower gift being something practical or decorative for the house. However, the reason I suggested a gift card is that both the gift giver (the OP) and the recipient are "not well off". Therefore a gift card could be used for something special she would not normally purchase, something practical for the house that she would really like, or a household necessity that she needs to buy. It would give the niece many options and the money would certainly be put to good use.

In my opinion, the potential problem with something like towels is that maybe the niece already has a set or two she uses and likes. There is also the possibility she will be given several more sets of towels as gifts. And not everyone likes/uses scented soaps or bath salts (I don't) so although that is a thoughtful gift, the OP might be wasting her money. In this particular case, I would give a gift card. Depending on budget, I would probably wrap up a SMALL gift and put the rest of the money onto a gift card.

 

[hffmnheidi]

A gift card to Wal-mart definitely for both the shower and the wedding gift. That way, if they need groceries, tires, toothpaste, birth control, ect...they can use that gift card money to purchase what they need.

 

[ah1126]

A gift card to Wal-mart definitely for both the shower and the wedding gift. That way, if they need groceries, tires, toothpaste, birth control, ect...they can use that gift card money to purchase what they need.

 

[RangerPooh]

I agree about the practicality of gift cards, they will most likely be used and appreciated. Since they ahve been living together they might have the usual items like towels and tupperware, but a few nice new items might not hurt. Have you asked your sister if they need anything or if they are registered anywhere?

Do you know if they plan on going on a honeymoon or doing something as a family following the wedding? While not a traditional gift, a set of tickets to the local zoo (or some other attraction) might be a nice "congratulations" gift for the family to use following the event.

Another idea for a gift, instead of towels: consider giving them a few nice spices (or a spice rack with spices), and a new set of higher quality (then they might have) stirring spoons/spatulas tied with a ribbon. Then hanging form the ribbon might be a gift card to a store in their area. You can certainly give another gift card if you attend the wedding.

 

[Disneycrazymom]

You could do a gift card to a local restaurant. Going out for dinner might be a nice treat for them. If they have lived together for awhile they may not really need any household things.

 

[shortbun]

Seems that a traditional shower gift-something from a registry-would be in order. Also, after your history with your neice it would be nice to write a beautiful note telling her and her future husband that you support and love them. If I were your neice, a heartfelt note like that would mean a lot.

 

[Shleedogg]

Seems that a traditional shower gift-something from a registry-would be in order. Also, after your history with your neice it would be nice to write a beautiful note telling her and her future husband that you support and love them. If I were your neice, a heartfelt note like that would mean a lot.

I agree. Did she not register? If she did, then buy something in your price range off the registry. Or at least take a look and see what color towels she's registered for so you can make sure it's something she'd like.

If she didn't register then I would go with cash or a gift cared. Don't get her fluff like picture frames, etc. While nice if she has what she needs, you said they're strapped for cash. I'm sure they could put cash or gcs to good use. I think $50 is a very generous amount to give. Although I have to say, if I was being asked to contribute a dish as well as a gift to a wedding, I wouldn't be going or giving a gift.

 

[Pastamom]

What about creating a gift basket for her?

A couple of ideas I have done.
baking - oven mitts, brownie/cookie/cake mix, pan to bake it in
Night in - bottle of wine, pasta, sauce, bread sticks
BBQ - grill utensils, BBQ sauces ( a couple), seasonings
Spa - bath salts, bubble bath, candles

You can make these as practical as you want and they can be inexpensive if you keep an eye out. You can add GCs or anything you can think of.

Then for the wedding present I would probably do a GC or cash

 

[DisneyChula]

I agree that if she's registered - then buy off the registry and if not then gift cards or cash would be a good idea. My husband and I got married this past September and are also somewhat strapped for cash so having a gift card to be able to just go out and enjoy ourselves for an evening without having to worry about where the money is coming from was a real treat for us. I also agree with shortbun - a really nice heartfelt note would definitely mean a lot more to me than the actual gift. My three aunts threw me a shower and a month before the shower my one aunt let me know that her and her husband would be on vacation for the shower (the vacation was planned after the shower was), but not to worry because she was still going to help pay for it. I would have rather her not have given a dime and cared enough to be there. The fact that you want to be there will mean a lot on its own - the gift will only make it that much more thoughtful.

 

[Disneycrazymom]

I don't know why this stuck in my head but as I was cooking dinner I thought maybe you could get her something personal. Like a pendent with her new initials, or a family memory book, or even recipe book.

 

[csharpwv]

Here is what I think you should do!

You should offer them a weekend ALONE!

You should babysit for the weekend and give them two nights in a reasonably priced hotel - away from home - but not TOO far away from home!

A weekend away....alone... might be a great opportunity for them to connect, strengthen their marriage - and get their lives out of the day to day and in perspective.

It sounds like they could not afford a weekend away on their own without your gift. Perhaps you and another family member or two could get together and put together a 'weekend away basket' you could provide the baby sitting - someone else could provide a bottle of wine - someone else could provide some bubble bath - a few candles - and the ideas continue from there!

Most important for young people in that situation is the ability to escape 'life' even if just for a night or two - to remember why they decided to get married - why they decided to share their life - and how exactly the definition of their life has changed, in a positive way - and what life has in store for them.

If you go together with a few other family members - it could be a very cost effective gift with a big impact!

 

[Scurvy]

You should offer them a weekend ALONE!

You should babysit for the weekend and give them two nights in a reasonably priced hotel - away from home - but not TOO far away from home!

A weekend away....alone... might be a great opportunity for them to connect, strengthen their marriage - and get their lives out of the day to day and in perspective.

OP, I was going to suggest just checking her registry, but I really love this idea. I think it's especially good since she apparently knows you weren't terribly supportive of her last marriage, and this makes it obvious that you are being very supportive of this one. I don't even think you'd have to pay for a hotel if it would be a financial hardship. You could get gift certificates for a movie theater or rental place and either a nice restaurant or upscale grocery store close to their home, and offer to keep the kids at your home for a weekend so they could have a nice date night and romantic weekend by themselves at their home. My parents did both the hotel and the child's weekend away for us several times over the years and even though they gave us lots of tangible gifts, we appreciated those weekends more than almost anything else anybody ever gave us.

 

[MissBritt]

I would give a gift card to the grocery store. If they are strapped and have kids, meeting their basic needs would be my first priority.

 

[mrs.sammich]

Most important for young people in that situation is the ability to escape 'life' even if just for a night or two - to remember why they decided to get married - why they decided to share their life - and how exactly the definition of their life has changed, in a positive way - and what life has in store for them.

I think everyone needs this... I also agree with pp about a note to your niece. What better way to wish her well. Gift cards to lowes/homedepot would be cool- they could buy plants,tools,throw rugs, etc... It might make the groom feel included too...