What would you have done?

[Katie's Butterflies]

Back in August, I moved away from home up to central Oregon. I loved it up there even though at times I did feel homesick. While I was gone, my dad became very, very ill. He hadn’t been doing very well for a while, but this caught us all by surprise. Unfortunately, my mom was not able to provide the care he needed.

At the time, I was looking into a local community college for some prerequisites for grad school as I had set up a goal to save up for, and attend, graduate school in about 2 years. I discovered that I could take those same classes if I moved back home, so I did. I moved back home to take care of/help my dad. This is not long term. My family is making future plans in regards to my dad should he need it. (I am not a part of those plans ex: nursing home, moving in with his sister, home care etc).Right now, I am attending the local community college while helping him and I will be going to grad school in a year and a halfish.

Here’s the problem, I have explained my situation to many of my friends as to why I’m back. While, they’re happy to have me home, they’ve all had different reactions to my explanation. Many have said that I am making a huge mistake and that I am not doing what is best for me…basically that I am being stupid.

I don’t see it like that at all. I see it as me putting aside my own wants to help someone who at this moment needs me. I am very sure that I am doing the right thing, but these comments are really starting to get to me. Granted, they are from other 20 somethings and, as a whole, many of us think we know more than everyone else and are quite selfish (me included). Still, I can’t think of any other options I could have considered, and it is bothering me that people I call “friend” are ostracizing me over something I think is right.

So, what would you have done?

Note: not once did my parents ask me to come home. It was my decision which I do not regret. And no, I do not play the “pity card” to my friends.

 

[TraceyDisney2008]

I think that you helping your family is wonderful, everyone has to do what is right for them. When my mom got sick I took an unpaid leave from my job and everyone said was making a mistake and would fall behnd in all the things I wanted to do. They were soo wrong I have never for one minute regretted that time I got to be with my mom and help my dad.

 

[sunnyday123]

I think it's wonderful, compassionate and caring that you did this, and tell your friends that this is what people do for the ones they love. The summer I was 18, my Uncle was dying of lung cancer. All my friends, including my cousin-his daughter-moved to the beach. I went and sat with him when my Aunt went out on errands. I visited him in the hospital every day for the two weeks he was in the hospital, and while my summer was boring and sucky, I'd do it all over again in a heartbeat.


Then get new friends. These are not people you can count on for anything.

 

[Uncle Remus]

Back in August, I moved away from home up to central Oregon. I loved it up there even though at times I did feel homesick. While I was gone, my dad became very, very ill. He hadn’t been doing very well for a while, but this caught us all by surprise. Unfortunately, my mom was not able to provide the care he needed.

At the time, I was looking into a local community college for some prerequisites for grad school as I had set up a goal to save up for, and attend, graduate school in about 2 years. I discovered that I could take those same classes if I moved back home, so I did. I moved back home to take care of/help my dad. This is not long term. My family is making future plans in regards to my dad should he need it. (I am not a part of those plans ex: nursing home, moving in with his sister, home care etc).Right now, I am attending the local community college while helping him and I will be going to grad school in a year and a halfish.

Here’s the problem, I have explained my situation to many of my friends as to why I’m back. While, they’re happy to have me home, they’ve all had different reactions to my explanation. Many have said that I am making a huge mistake and that I am not doing what is best for me…basically that I am being stupid.

I don’t see it like that at all. I see it as me putting aside my own wants to help someone who at this moment needs me. I am very sure that I am doing the right thing, but these comments are really starting to get to me. Granted, they are from other 20 somethings and, as a whole, many of us think we know more than everyone else and are quite selfish (me included). Still, I can’t think of any other options I could have considered, and it is bothering me that people I call “friend” are ostracizing me over something I think is right.

So, what would you have done?

Note: not once did my parents ask me to come home. It was my decision which I do not regret. And no, I do not play the “pity card” to my friends.

I can see them sayin' you're doin' the wrong thing, who cares what they think, what I don't understand is why ostracize you?

 

[Goofyluver]

Your friends probably think they're bein' supportive.

Be honest with 'em and tell 'em that their words and sentiments aren't helpful and that they're hurtful. Tell 'em you need support right now, and not judgment. I'm imagining that if they're really friends, this will change their tune.

and good luck in your journey.

 

[Katie's Butterflies]

Your friends probably think they're bein' supportive.

Be honest with 'em and tell 'em that their words and sentiments aren't helpful and that they're hurtful. Tell 'em you need support right now, and not judgment. I'm imagining that if they're really friends, this will change their tune.

and good luck in your journey.

They do think they are, and will not listen to my reasoning. As I said in my post, they think they are right and I am wrong with no gray area.
I understand why they think the way they do, I just wish they'd try to be more understanding/supportive.

I can see them sayin' you're doin' the wrong thing, who cares what they think, what I don't understand is why ostracize you?

2 of my “friends” have decided I don’t realize what I am doing and so have decided to not talk/communicate with me until I “come to my senses.” They are trying to convince some of our mutual friends to do the same. They truly believe they are trying to help me, but I just feel hurt.

 

[Katie's Butterflies]

I think that you helping your family is wonderful, everyone has to do what is right for them. When my mom got sick I took an unpaid leave from my job and everyone said was making a mistake and would fall behnd in all the things I wanted to do. They were soo wrong I have never for one minute regretted that time I got to be with my mom and help my dad.[/QUOTE]
I am so glad

I think it's wonderful, compassionate and caring that you did this, and tell your friends that this is what people do for the ones they love. The summer I was 18, my Uncle was dying of lung cancer. All my friends, including my cousin-his daughter-moved to the beach. I went and sat with him when my Aunt went out on errands. I visited him in the hospital every day for the two weeks he was in the hospital, and while my summer was boring and sucky, I'd do it all over again in a heartbeat.


Then get new friends. These are not people you can count on for anything.

That was really wonderful of you. It must have been very hard to do.

Thank you both so much for your posts. I'm afraid I don't run into too many people who would help an ill family member, or understand where I'm coming from.

 

[Breezy_Carol]

It was my decision which I do not regret.

This is the most important line of your post. I think if you hadn't come home you may have had regrets down the road. You are doing the best for you and your father. If when his time is done you can say that you have no regrets, you will have done it right for you.

 

[ncmickeyluvr]

I'm confused about why it is that your friends think that being in Oregon is so much more important than helping your family? School? What's the difference if you are attending CC in California? It reads like you're on track to attend grad school within the same timeframe regardless of where you live. Am I missing something?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Back in August, I moved away from home up to central Oregon. I loved it up there even though at times I did feel homesick. While I was gone, my dad became very, very ill. He hadn’t been doing very well for a while, but this caught us all by surprise. Unfortunately, my mom was not able to provide the care he needed.

At the time, I was looking into a local community college for some prerequisites for grad school as I had set up a goal to save up for, and attend, graduate school in about 2 years. I discovered that I could take those same classes if I moved back home, so I did. I moved back home to take care of/help my dad. This is not long term. My family is making future plans in regards to my dad should he need it. (I am not a part of those plans ex: nursing home, moving in with his sister, home care etc).Right now, I am attending the local community college while helping him and I will be going to grad school in a year and a halfish.

Here’s the problem, I have explained my situation to many of my friends as to why I’m back. While, they’re happy to have me home, they’ve all had different reactions to my explanation. Many have said that I am making a huge mistake and that I am not doing what is best for me…basically that I am being stupid.

I don’t see it like that at all. I see it as me putting aside my own wants to help someone who at this moment needs me. I am very sure that I am doing the right thing, but these comments are really starting to get to me. Granted, they are from other 20 somethings and, as a whole, many of us think we know more than everyone else and are quite selfish (me included). Still, I can’t think of any other options I could have considered, and it is bothering me that people I call “friend” are ostracizing me over something I think is right.

So, what would you have done?

Note: not once did my parents ask me to come home. It was my decision which I do not regret. And no, I do not play the “pity card” to my friends.

To put it bluntly as I like to do....

These friends are "showing" you what kind of people THEY ARE.

That is what you need to take notice here.

I have taken care of parents, grandparents, my sister is taking care of her MIL who is dying of cancer right now in her home with AWFUL extenuating circumstances. She would tell you that even with the issues she would do the same thing.

 

[ilovemk76]

Back in August, I moved away from home up to central Oregon. I loved it up there even though at times I did feel homesick. While I was gone, my dad became very, very ill. He hadn’t been doing very well for a while, but this caught us all by surprise. Unfortunately, my mom was not able to provide the care he needed.

At the time, I was looking into a local community college for some prerequisites for grad school as I had set up a goal to save up for, and attend, graduate school in about 2 years. I discovered that I could take those same classes if I moved back home, so I did. I moved back home to take care of/help my dad. This is not long term. My family is making future plans in regards to my dad should he need it. (I am not a part of those plans ex: nursing home, moving in with his sister, home care etc).Right now, I am attending the local community college while helping him and I will be going to grad school in a year and a halfish.

Here’s the problem, I have explained my situation to many of my friends as to why I’m back. While, they’re happy to have me home, they’ve all had different reactions to my explanation. Many have said that I am making a huge mistake and that I am not doing what is best for me…basically that I am being stupid.

I don’t see it like that at all. I see it as me putting aside my own wants to help someone who at this moment needs me. I am very sure that I am doing the right thing, but these comments are really starting to get to me. Granted, they are from other 20 somethings and, as a whole, many of us think we know more than everyone else and are quite selfish (me included). Still, I can’t think of any other options I could have considered, and it is bothering me that people I call “friend” are ostracizing me over something I think is right.

So, what would you have done?

Note: not once did my parents ask me to come home. It was my decision which I do not regret. And no, I do not play the “pity card” to my friends.

I would have done the same thing you did. Your long term goal is graduate school and you are on that path.

 

[robinb]

Back in August, I moved away from home up to central Oregon. I loved it up there even though at times I did feel homesick. While I was gone, my dad became very, very ill. He hadn’t been doing very well for a while, but this caught us all by surprise. Unfortunately, my mom was not able to provide the care he needed.

At the time, I was looking into a local community college for some prerequisites for grad school as I had set up a goal to save up for, and attend, graduate school in about 2 years. I discovered that I could take those same classes if I moved back home, so I did. I moved back home to take care of/help my dad. This is not long term. My family is making future plans in regards to my dad should he need it. (I am not a part of those plans ex: nursing home, moving in with his sister, home care etc).Right now, I am attending the local community college while helping him and I will be going to grad school in a year and a halfish.

Here’s the problem, I have explained my situation to many of my friends as to why I’m back. While, they’re happy to have me home, they’ve all had different reactions to my explanation. Many have said that I am making a huge mistake and that I am not doing what is best for me…basically that I am being stupid.

I don’t see it like that at all. I see it as me putting aside my own wants to help someone who at this moment needs me. I am very sure that I am doing the right thing, but these comments are really starting to get to me. Granted, they are from other 20 somethings and, as a whole, many of us think we know more than everyone else and are quite selfish (me included). Still, I can’t think of any other options I could have considered, and it is bothering me that people I call “friend” are ostracizing me over something I think is right.

So, what would you have done?

Note: not once did my parents ask me to come home. It was my decision which I do not regret. And no, I do not play the “pity card” to my friends.

I'm trying to figure out what your friends are thinking you are doing wrong. You are still working on your degree while you take care of your family. Is it because you came back home? Heck, they're STILL there?

Brava to you for coming back home to take care of your dad *and* to continue to your education.

 

[minkydog]

What would I do? I hope I'd do what you're doing. I'm sure your friends are just trying to "save your from yourself" but they don't have a clue. They probably have never gone through what you're going through. You know what? college will always be there. Your dad needs you now. There will come a time in your future when you will look back at this time and say, "I did the right thing. I was there when my parents needed me." As you say, it's not forever. You're not giving up your life and your future. You're simply putting your plans on hold for a few months until you can get your father taken care of. The Bible says there is no greater love than one who lays his life down for his brother(or his father, in your case.) You are not *giving up* your life, you are simply laying it down for a little while. You will take it up again and I predict you will have great success in your life because you know what's important. I think you're parents must be so proud

 

[Katie's Butterflies]

To put it bluntly as I like to do....

These friends are "showing" you what kind of people THEY ARE.

That is what you need to take notice here.

This is what I am worried about

I have taken care of parents, grandparents, my sister is taking care of her MIL who is dying of cancer right now in her home with AWFUL extenuating circumstances. She would tell you that even with the issues she would do the same thing.

Thank you for posting. There are so many nice people on the disboards, and you all are making me feel a bit better.

I'm confused about why it is that your friends think that being in Oregon is so much more important than helping your family? School? What's the difference if you are attending CC in California? It reads like you're on track to attend grad school within the same timeframe regardless of where you live. Am I missing something?

Nope, you are not missing much. Basically, they can’t believe I’d willingly move back home to take care of a parent. They say I am young and that this is the time of my life when I should do what I want and have fun with no regards to other people. (because you know, when you get old, at like 30, you can never have fun again.)

 

[hereyago]

Nope, you are not missing much. Basically, they can’t believe I’d willingly move back home to take care of a parent. They say I am young and that this is the time of my life when I should do what I want and have fun with no regards to other people. (because you know, when you get old, at like 30, you can never have fun again.)

Hugs to you- I can't get my icons to click on. I am 43,but hey 40's are the new 30's lol. I took care of my DF 7 years ago until he passed away from lung cancer, DM wouldn't do it-but that is a whole different thread. DM is 77 now with Parkinson's still in the early stages.

I actually get the same reaction from people in my age bracket that said they wouldn't take "care" of a parent. And trust me, DM was not a good mother, but I promised my DF i would take care of her and I have been doing it. A couple years ago her PT therapist even said if she were his DM he wouldn't be taking care of her lol.

Care giving is not for sissys. and it is one of the most selfless things you can do. you have made compromises but you are still on your own' life's path with your education. Please remember to take care of yourself as well. and tell these "friends" they need to start paying for some long term care insurance so their kids won't have a need to say the same thing about them as they get older.

 

[minkydog]

Basically, they can’t believe I’d willingly move back home to take care of a parent. They say I am young and that this is the time of my life when I should do what I want and have fun with no regards to other people. (because you know, when you get old, at like 30, you can never have fun again.)

Speaking as someone on the far side of 30(the very far side ) your friends don't know what they don't know. I believe in karma. I believe that the things we do and the decisions we make come back to us eventually. The Golden Rule says Treat others as you would like to be treated. You are treating your parents with respect and helping in their time of need. I believe that respect and care will come back to you at some point when you need it.

 

[robinb]

Basically, they can’t believe I’d willingly move back home to take care of a parent. They say I am young and that this is the time of my life when I should do what I want and have fun with no regards to other people. (because you know, when you get old, at like 30, you can never have fun again.)

Meh. Believe it when people show you who they are. You are better off without "friends" like that.

 

[englishteacha]

What would I do? Well, I've done it. My MIL was diagnosed with lung cancer less than a year into our marriage, in 2003. My husband took time off school and work to care for her. I supported his decision and financially supported the two of us with my teaching job. In 2007, my dad was diagnosed with a terminal illness, and I spent the summer caring for him. I have a large family and we were able to divide up the responsibilities, but as the only teacher in the family, I was the only one with summer off, so I was the one who was there most. I postponed a lot of my own stuff to do it, but I'm very glad I spent the time with my dad.

 

[61292cna]

Tell your friends that the best thing for you is to do what you can live with down the road & that is what this is! Then tell them you are sorry they don't have the kind of relationship with their family that allows them to understand (their words) your sacrifice!! Then enjoy the time with your family, while you can!!!

 

[FredinFL]

OP, I hope I would have done the same. You rarely regret the kindness you do in life. Taking care of your father and helping your mom are two wonderful things to do for your family. Maybe your friends just don't have that kind of caring for their parents. You are lucky people to have each other.