What would you have done?

[FINFAN]

What would I have done? I would have headed home as you did...you are far more gracious about it than I tho, very honorable of you really you are seeing first hand how most people would handle it...avoidance. I am caring for my mom which has up-ended us, costing a ton, created some not so good memories in there with the treasured ones, and is indefinite...but if not me then who? Does it take a huge toll on the caregiver and their family? Yep. Does it come with an instruction booklet? Nope. you are happy with your decision so who cares what enyone else thinks? I too, made a promis to my Dad. My mom, not so happy about it because many changes had to be made in her life so that I can care for her. Is she happy she was uprooted? Nope. Does she blame me? yep. All I know is any time you can be with your family is more than if you weren't there at all....your friends are just looking for you to be miserable so it can justify their outlook of not being there for family that may need them. They can say, when _ took care of her dad, her life was put on hold, school , friends, I'M not going to do that I see it happen all the time.

 

[Mama-san]

OP, you are absolutely doing the right thing. When my father was dying of cancer, the Dr.'s gave him 6 months to live - he died after one. Take advantage of this time while you have it, for the both of you. You won't regret it!

I think it's time to find some new friends until your current ones mature some. Would they be there for you if you needed them? Or would they ditch you, saying they have to do what's best for themselves??

Good luck and 's.

 

[Disney Doll]

I think your friends are selfish idiots and I am glad they are not my children.

I have quite a bit if respect for you as you are helping care for your Dad and also continuing toward your long-term schooling goal.

You're a good kid and you will never regret or feel guilty about not being there for your Dad should something happen.

Find new friends....as a PP said, yours are showinig you who they are and it ain't pretty.

 

[shortbun]

I'd probably have done what you did. You only get these chances once or twice in your life and you will be happy you took it. Lucky for your friends, they have no idea. Follow your heart. Get some help, you can't do it all.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I would have done what you did.

 

[charming23]

I have done what you did and have "friends" like yours who said the same thing. I was offered a job about two hours away when my dad became ill. it was a dream job but I chose to stay at home with my mom, she had health problems as well, and found a good job here. I figured that they had care for me for 22 years, it was the least I could do for them. I have never regretted my decision and tell everyone the same.

You did what was right for you and I am sure your dad is grateful too.

 

[manning]

There is only one wrong word in your friends comments and that is "ME".

As you go thru life you discover one thing, as you have done, is that "ME" is not the most important thing in your life. Your care for others will return care for you.

You made the right choice.

 

[dumboiu]

Back in August, I moved away from home up to central Oregon. I loved it up there even though at times I did feel homesick. While I was gone, my dad became very, very ill. He hadn’t been doing very well for a while, but this caught us all by surprise. Unfortunately, my mom was not able to provide the care he needed.

At the time, I was looking into a local community college for some prerequisites for grad school as I had set up a goal to save up for, and attend, graduate school in about 2 years. I discovered that I could take those same classes if I moved back home, so I did. I moved back home to take care of/help my dad. This is not long term. My family is making future plans in regards to my dad should he need it. (I am not a part of those plans ex: nursing home, moving in with his sister, home care etc).Right now, I am attending the local community college while helping him and I will be going to grad school in a year and a halfish.

Here’s the problem, I have explained my situation to many of my friends as to why I’m back. While, they’re happy to have me home, they’ve all had different reactions to my explanation. Many have said that I am making a huge mistake and that I am not doing what is best for me…basically that I am being stupid.

I don’t see it like that at all. I see it as me putting aside my own wants to help someone who at this moment needs me. I am very sure that I am doing the right thing, but these comments are really starting to get to me. Granted, they are from other 20 somethings and, as a whole, many of us think we know more than everyone else and are quite selfish (me included). Still, I can’t think of any other options I could have considered, and it is bothering me that people I call “friend” are ostracizing me over something I think is right.

So, what would you have done?

Note: not once did my parents ask me to come home. It was my decision which I do not regret. And no, I do not play the “pity card” to my friends.

I think you are definitely doing the right thing. Never question your decision and don't give another thought to what other people say; the only thing that matters is doing what your heart tells you to. When you look back on your life, you will never, ever regret this choice. School can wait. Sick parents can not. It is none of your friend's business what choices you make. A true friend would stand beside you and not be judgmental.

 

[Aisling]

I would have done the same thing you did. Your long term goal is graduate school and you are on that path.

I agree with this 100%. You can always go back to school, and you will, You can't go back to be with your dad when his time comes to leave this earth. It'll be too late. You have a bump in your career road, but its not forever. Go in peace to be with dad. I would if I were in your situation.

 

[Becky2005]

Nope, you are not missing much. Basically, they can’t believe I’d willingly move back home to take care of a parent. They say I am young and that this is the time of my life when I should do what I want and have fun with no regards to other people. (because you know, when you get old, at like 30, you can never have fun again.)

You know, I don't know what to tell you about your friends but most of the time family does take precedent. It's what families do for each other unless there is some unusual circumstances. However, after reading that last sentence, all I have to say is YOU "get it" for life...your friends not so much.

Hang in there.

 

[Planogirl]

Your friends have a weird way of showing that they care about you. I don't see why they think it's their place to criticize you and especially ostracize you. I'd drop the ones who are ostracizing you and explain to the others that you are doing what you think is right.

Wow, people are strange. You did the right thing.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

OP, I guess you could sum this all up to the old phrase, "with friends like that, who needs enemies".

 

[sunnyday123]

This is what I am worried about


Thank you for posting. There are so many nice people on the disboards, and you all are making me feel a bit better.



Nope, you are not missing much. Basically, they can’t believe I’d willingly move back home to take care of a parent. They say I am young and that this is the time of my life when I should do what I want and have fun with no regards to other people. (because you know, when you get old, at like 30, you can never have fun again.)

Seriously, call each and every one of them and tell them they are cold-hearted, unfeeling <insert your choice of cuss word here> and tell them they are not the kind of people you want to associate with.

I keep trying to see thier point of view, but I'm getting stuck on their overwhelming selfishness. They would choose having fun over being with a sick parent? Losers, each and every single one. And then to NOT speak to you until you "come to your senses"?? Exactly who do they think they are, that they have that much control over you that they can dictate your choices??

Plus, everybody knows life doesn't really start till 40.









,

 

[Liberty Belle]

They do think they are, and will not listen to my reasoning. As I said in my post, they think they are right and I am wrong with no gray area.
I understand why they think the way they do, I just wish they'd try to be more understanding/supportive.


2 of my “friends” have decided I don’t realize what I am doing and so have decided to not talk/communicate with me until I “come to my senses.” They are trying to convince some of our mutual friends to do the same. They truly believe they are trying to help me, but I just feel hurt.

That's insane. It's not like they're ignoring you until you go to needed rehab or something. They would no longer be friends of mine.

 

[Katie's Butterflies]

Some of these comments are making me cry! Thank you, everyone, for being so supportive and for sharing personal stories. I find it comforting to know that I am not alone and that others would have, or have, done the same thing. Thank you!

 

[Carly_Roach]

2 of my “friends” have decided I don’t realize what I am doing and so have decided to not talk/communicate with me until I “come to my senses.” They are trying to convince some of our mutual friends to do the same. They truly believe they are trying to help me, but I just feel hurt.

I keep trying to see thier point of view, but I'm getting stuck on their overwhelming selfishness. They would choose having fun over being with a sick parent? Losers, each and every single one. And then to NOT speak to you until you "come to your senses"?? Exactly who do they think they are, that they have that much control over you that they can dictate your choices??

Exactly. Your friends are trying to control you so you'll do what they want you to do insted of what you want to do.

If I had "friends" like this I think I'd be relieved that they were no longer speaking to me. Saves me the time and energy of telling them to take a flying leap at a rolling donut. It's my life, I'll live it the way I want, and if I wanted their results in life then maybe I'd take their advice.

Good for you for helping out in taking care of your father!

 

[mhsjax]

It boils down to this, you r parents did a wonderful job raising you. Their parent's, not so much. Or maybe they were just flawed from birth. I can't imagine the attitude of your friends. Well karma is a ***** and I bet if something happens to one of them when they are older, they will wonder why their kids aren't willing to take care of them, at least that is what I keep telling myself about people like this.

Drop those friends and get new ones. These are toxic if this is the way they feel.

ETA, not one dissenting argument here, that never happens on the Dis. That means that there is NO WAY, that you could be even remotely wrong on this, at any level.

 

[bumbershoot]

I don’t see it like that at all. I see it as me putting aside my own wants to help someone who at this moment needs me.

It's hard enough for people well beyond your age to really understand that another person's needs can outweigh your temporary wants...let alone for college-age people to get it.

It happened with me with very different issues, and those people are entirely out of my life now. They weren't friends, it turns out. It still hurts, but I wouldn't have them back in my life now for anything. They felt that I was dangerously depressed, and their response was to turn their back until I "did" something about it. I wasn't dangerously depressed, I was righteously angry about something, and I WAS doing something about it...problem was, one of the things I had to do was to limit contact with them, and they didn't like it at all! But what they said (you are depressed) and what they did (I will leave you now) made absolutely no sense.

Just like what these few friends are doing to you now.

They say I am young and that this is the time of my life when I should do what I want and have fun with no regards to other people

And that would be SO great IF it is what you could do right now. They are SO lucky to have healthy parents. You...don't. Your life isn't like that right now. If you wish to, you could say it to them like that. But I'm not sure they'd hear it. (since they are trying to recruit, maybe you could talk to the strongest friend and have her say that to them?)

My mom died when I was 30. It's been over 10 years, and most of my friends still have both parents. And they STILL don't recognize how blastedly LUCKY they are! And they still refuse to understand what I went through and what I continue to go through. I wasn't in a caregiver situation, but I mourned heavily and they just don't get it and refuse to see that there's something they are missing. Most of those friends are just acquaintances now, there's nothing REAL to talk with them about now, since they couldn't talk about the real stuff I needed to talk to them about back then.



If these friends didn't move away, then it's possible they just enjoyed living vicariously through you. I had many friends doing that with me when they were married and I was single. Most married perhaps a bit too young (as evidenced by how they loved to hear my single/dating stories) and both enjoyed their new married status along with wishing they were still out there (all the while the only thing I wished for was to meet an honorable man, fall in love, and have my own boring evenings LOL...the "excitement" of dating got old, fast!). Anyway, it drove them crazy when I was making decisions that hindered their "vicarious living", so it's possible your friends are doing the same.

But..."friends" isn't really a good word to describe the ringleaders...

 

[bcvdreamer]

Katie's Butterfly,

You are doing the right thing. In 10 yrs when you look back, will you regret your decision? I'm guessing, no. I'm sure you can see the gratitude in your dad's eyes, and that's enough.

When I was 27 I gave up a great job to take care of my dad and 15 yrs later my dad is still living with us. Now I'm able to work from home and be here for my kids. I've also taken classes. It all works out and things do happen for a reason.

I have had many friends and family tell me that they couldn't do what we do. People just like to give their opinion.

You will have good and bad days. Take care of yourself and be sure to carve out time just for you.

You will cherish this time with your dad.

Send your friend's this thread and tell them everyone has the right to make their own decisions.