What would you do- take him or leave him???

[adell557]

WOW! Why are you attacking me and making judgments about what kind of a person I am?

The OP asked for opinions and I gave one -- based on real life, personal experience. I did so politely and compassionately.

You completely missed the boat on my post. I don't begrudge anyone help. Gosh, if you only knew me in real life (in my house "fair doesn't mean equal") or if you only had completely read my entire post.

What I was responding to is how the other two kids would feel if mom took the troubled one to WDW. I stand by my original position that it would be a really bad idea. I also suggested in my original post that another alone time activity would probably work better. WDW is just too big of an event for most families. To leave out two of your three children could be very damaging to the two. Since the point of the trip is to help the middle child, I am sure the OP doesn't want to create new problems with her other two kids.

I did not mean to make you feel like I was attacking you or making assumptions about your character. I just think it is important to give each child what they need, and the mentality that Disney is "too special" to take a child to b/c what siblings might say or feel is unfortunate. I don't feel like if the OP would be "leaving out" the other two children, they would have a weekend with their dad who could take them to do something special as well. I assume that Disney isn't too big of an event if Mom is taking a weekend away to go herself. If it was a "big" event I am sure there would be a ton of planning and the like. I apologize if I offended you.

 

[mousefanmichelle]

Hi guys!

What a big mixing pot of opinions! This is exactly what I wanted - both sides of the coin so that I could make my decision.

This is the deal - my middle son is the harder egg of the bunch. My oldest is very easy going, loveable and middle of the road. Has friends and keeps them, tries and doesn't put himself down.

My middle son... ahh... the middle... he didn't smile until he was 9 months old. He had reflux and we didn't know it and we all were miserable. Finally he was diagnosed and medicated and wha-la he smiled! Made our day. He has to fight for things it seems - he has a harder time with friends because he has to be better, faster, smarter, quicker, funnier. When things don't go his way he says things like - I'm stupid or other degrading things. Since he has been six he has threatened to run away. We have talked to counslors and they tell us this is normal. To me it's not normal.

Then there is the baby girl. I guess just by her nature she gets the attention because she is younger, and a girl. Sad excuse but at least it's honest.

I am going away this weekend which isn't easy to do for me because it requires some child care while my dh works so could I reasonably do this again for the other 2 - no I couldn't and that is why I am not doing it for my middle. I can't tell the other 2 - oh your time will come next year or the next. They will hold onto that and if I don't deliver then I am screwed!! You all know that to be true.

This year has been difficult for me. I think that I have hid it from the kids pretty well but my dh and I are really going through a rough patch in our marriage and this weekend away was originally my time away to figure out if I could stay in the marriage or not. I have been working at it hard for the last year and just don't know anymore.

My decision is not to take him with me. I need this time away for me to be a better parent when I get home. I have talked to my son and we are making plans to spend time together and we will put it on the calendar so that it doesn't get lost somewhere. A big thank you to whoever suggested that!!!! Yesterday for mothers day he got up before anyone and made me homemade (bisquick) pancakes and later on that day he made me tea. He has a wonderful heart!!! I am excited to spend time with him on his day!!!

 

[mamaLori05]

I think this was mentioned somewhere, but I agree that I think the other kids would see it as a reward for bad behavior, and then you could have some serious problems on your hand. A weekend trip somewhere with him would be fine, but every kid LOVES Disney, and personally I think that might be kind of cruel to the other kids. Expecially if they have been behaving. You know he is going to tell the other kids because he will be so excited when he gets back. If you take him and not the others I think you are setting yourself up for some hurt feelings and lots of trouble!! I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be rude here, but I definatly would not do that to my kids.

 

[MomtoAlexnWilliam]

I am so glad that you found the thread helpful. I hope that your weekend away is just what you need. And I hope the extra time with your middle child really helps him!!

 

[MomtoAlexnWilliam]

I did not mean to make you feel like I was attacking you or making assumptions about your character. I just think it is important to give each child what they need, and the mentality that Disney is "too special" to take a child to b/c what siblings might say or feel is unfortunate. I don't feel like if the OP would be "leaving out" the other two children, they would have a weekend with their dad who could take them to do something special as well. I assume that Disney isn't too big of an event if Mom is taking a weekend away to go herself. If it was a "big" event I am sure there would be a ton of planning and the like. I apologize if I offended you.

You did offend me. Thank you for the apology.

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

I'm sorry that helping others whether be a lot or a little is hurtful. Or that you feel like you have to "keep score" on who gets what? I don't want to teach my children that, if someone needs more attention than they should be hurt, instead to be thankful that they don't need the extra help.

I agree that keeping score is very hurtful; however there is a difference, both in actuality and perceived by the other siblings, in "attention" vs. "reward".

Disney is a Reward. A weekend alone with your kid with maybe some one on one counseling sessions is "attention".

Kids get that sometimes their siblings need help and extra attention. But in my family the rewards have to be as equal as I can possibly make them or it's a big stink...

 

[eliza61]

This year has been difficult for me. I think that I have hid it from the kids pretty well but my dh and I are really going through a rough patch in our marriage and this weekend away was originally my time away to figure out if I could stay in the marriage or not. I have been working at it hard for the last year and just don't know anymore.

My decision is not to take him with me. I need this time away for me to be a better parent when I get home. I have talked to my son and we are making plans to spend time together and we will put it on the calendar so that it doesn't get lost somewhere. A big thank you to whoever suggested that!!!! Yesterday for mothers day he got up before anyone and made me homemade (bisquick) pancakes and later on that day he made me tea. He has a wonderful heart!!! I am excited to spend time with him on his day!!!

Hooray!!!

First, let me give my standard disclaimer: I am a big advocate for "Mommy time". Woman by nature are care givers to every one else except ourselves. I know alot of people feel that when you have children you automatically become last, but IMO this is a recipe for disaster.

I think you have an excellent plan. Take care of yourselve.

 

[Mommy2JulietJocelyn]

I think I would take him - just like someone else said - FAIR does not mean SAME - if each getsa special time it does not matter if it is time at the same place.

 

[Miz Diz]

I am going to go alone like I planned on doing - I REALLY NEED A BREAK!!!!!!
I talked to my son last night and told him that I would love to do something with him alone or with my dh, ds and I whatever my ds chose.

Take care of yourself first. I think moms generally take care of everyone else first and put themselves last, but that is not what is always best. Have fun on your trip and after you have some "me" time, you can have some time with your son.

 

[DevilDuckie]

My decision is not to take him with me. I need this time away for me to be a better parent when I get home. I have talked to my son and we are making plans to spend time together and we will put it on the calendar so that it doesn't get lost somewhere.

Enjoy your weekend! Honestly, knowing that your special time with him is so special that it gets put on the calendar is probably a pretty good feeling for your son.

Go have a Mickey bar and watch a parade. Blow bubbles at babies in line for Peter Pan. Have that well deserved break and let us know how it goes.

 

[splashmtnfan]

Hi guys!

I am going away this weekend which isn't easy to do for me because it requires some child care while my dh works so could I reasonably do this again for the other 2 - no I couldn't and that is why I am not doing it for my middle. I can't tell the other 2 - oh your time will come next year or the next. They will hold onto that and if I don't deliver then I am screwed!! You all know that to be true.

This year has been difficult for me. I think that I have hid it from the kids pretty well but my dh and I are really going through a rough patch in our marriage and this weekend away was originally my time away to figure out if I could stay in the marriage or not. I have been working at it hard for the last year and just don't know anymore.

My decision is not to take him with me. I need this time away for me to be a better parent when I get home. I have talked to my son and we are making plans to spend time together and we will put it on the calendar so that it doesn't get lost somewhere. A big thank you to whoever suggested that!!!! Yesterday for mothers day he got up before anyone and made me homemade (bisquick) pancakes and later on that day he made me tea. He has a wonderful heart!!! I am excited to spend time with him on his day!!!

Well, I have to admit, when I first read this, I thought hmmmmmmmmm.....how does it seem fair for Mama to go to Disney without the kids, and maybe only take one of them, now I get it. I believe that if your "marriage" is the the "rough time" you are going through that is a totally different story. If your marriage is at risk, yes, you definitely need your alone time. I think all Moms should get away every once in a while to keep the whole family happy.

Good Luck on your trip and have a Great time. Also good luck with your son on your weekend trip as well. He sounds sweet.

 

[higgy66]

I'm so glad I nipped back on for an update on this.

OP - I think you have made the right decision. You obviously need some time on your own but you've also marked some time in the future for your middle son. A great compromise.

 

[tina_la]

First of all let me just say I will keep your family in my prayers. Marriage issues can be very draining.

I am glad you are trying not to let the kids in on it but to be honest, they know. Not all of it I am sure but they know something is up. Sometimes we don't give them enough credit. I knew growing up with my parents and my kids always seemed to know too no matter how I tried not to let on.

I hope everything goes well for your family.

 

[mousefanmichelle]

First off let me say thanks to you all. Your support is making me feel all warm and fuzzy - as my kids say lol!!!

Fair. What is fair? I think that whoever posted that fair doesn't mean same is right. To me it doesn't mean the same thing. I always tell me kids that life isn't fair and to me that is a true statement. If I were going somewhere other than Florida would I take 1 kid over the other? Maybe. I have done mom and me camping with scouts that didn't include my daughter. I have gone on field trips with my one of the kids but not the others. Circumstances in life sometimes predict what we do so fair doesn't mean same. Do I love them all? Yep. Do I love them the same amount? Yep. Do I love them differently? Yep. Not fair, but they aren't the same.

So to those of you that said take him - thanks. I would love to, but I really feel that he wouldn't get anything out of it besides thinking it was a reward. My other kids might start acting out just to get the same thing. I don't want that ripple affect any more than I want more gray hair!!!!!

To those of you that said it wasn't fair. I don't think it is a fairness issue for me. Nothing is fair and not that I want my kids to be jaded but I don't want them to expect fairness because it isn't reality in everyday life.

My 2 cents I guess.

 

[brymolmom]

First off let me say thanks to you all. Your support is making me feel all warm and fuzzy - as my kids say lol!!!

Fair. What is fair? I think that whoever posted that fair doesn't mean same is right. To me it doesn't mean the same thing. I always tell me kids that life isn't fair and to me that is a true statement. If I were going somewhere other than Florida would I take 1 kid over the other? Maybe. I have done mom and me camping with scouts that didn't include my daughter. I have gone on field trips with my one of the kids but not the others. Circumstances in life sometimes predict what we do so fair doesn't mean same. Do I love them all? Yep. Do I love them the same amount? Yep. Do I love them differently? Yep. Not fair, but they aren't the same.

So to those of you that said take him - thanks. I would love to, but I really feel that he wouldn't get anything out of it besides thinking it was a reward. My other kids might start acting out just to get the same thing. I don't want that ripple affect any more than I want more gray hair!!!!!

To those of you that said it wasn't fair. I don't think it is a fairness issue for me. Nothing is fair and not that I want my kids to be jaded but I don't want them to expect fairness because it isn't reality in everyday life.

My 2 cents I guess.

I totally agree that life is not fair and I totally teach my kids that. But OUR HOME and OUR FAMILY IS FAIR. So when I say to my kids that 'life isn't fair' I mean that life in the 'outside' world - the bus, school, friends, teams, etc. BUT, when I say it I also am implying that 'in our house and family, we are as close to fair as is possible' Our home and our family are are the only parts of our kids lives that we can control (to a point) - and I intend to keep it as fair as possible. Does that mean same? NO, ds's soccer team might have ice cream for their snack after practice while dd's dance class doesn't have snacks after their class - and, yes, one might get to go for an overnight with grandma without the other (but likely the other will get their own turn shortly). And one might get to stay up 15 minutes later or something, but that is a FAR CRY from a vacation to their favorite place without the other one. We are fair - we have the same rules that everyone must abide by, fair punishments for those who don't and similar rewards for good behavior or other 'just because' moments. I can imagine my child being hurt coming home from school because he is upset that 'johnny's family' got to go on some awesome vacation but we have to wait a couple of years (leading to a 'life is not fair' conversation), but I certainly can't imagine ME being the one to do that to him.

I am wondering if there is a correlation on the opinions here. Maybe (just maybe, not definitely) the ones who whole-heartedly agree to bring him have been the neediest in their own family at one time and have gotten 'extra, unfair' attention. And the ones who whole-heartedly disagree with taking him have been the NOT-squeaky wheels, who have not gotten the unfair attention or rewards or whatever, and who instead have had to watch while their own siblings have been the receivers and have been hurt by the parent's actions and disregard for giving them rewards just because they have stood better on their own or faded in with the woodwork or whatever. Just a thought...