What would you do- take him or leave him???

[mousefanmichelle]

Hi all - sorry this is a bit long

Here is my situation. My middle son, who is 11, has been having some problems this year - behavior problems more than anything. I think he is having a hard time with friends and the 6th grade (middle school) and I feel like he needs some extra attention.

I have a solo trip planned next week from Friday through Monday. This trip is to get in some "me" time as well as to get my head togehter. Life at my house this last year has been difficult and I am struggling so I thought a quick trip away to a place I love would help me see clearly.

I am wondering now if I should take my son with me. Right now as it stands my 3 kids don't know where I am going. I haven't told them specifics because I don't want to hurt their feelings. They just know that mom is going away and that dad has them all to himself for the weekend.

Would you do it? Would you take only 1 kid to Disney and leave the others behind? Would that be fair? I don't want to cause any hurt feelings between the kids and I am worried this might. My older son gets to go hunting with his dad - this will be his 3rd year doing that. My daughter gets a lot of my attention as she is the only girl. My poor middle son is really going through something and I think he could use some special one on one but....

My heart is telling me to do it, my brain is telling me it's not fair. Maybe it's not fair that I am going at all - but it's too late to cancel -the airfare is not refundable.

What would you do?

TIA
Michelle

 

[DISNEYFOS]

I was thinking how nice it would be to have a weekend away by myself....ahhhhhh It sounds wonderful.

but to your question... I'm not sure. I could see your other two getting very hurt...but How do they feel when the oldest goes away with his dad? Do they accept it? and know they get special attention themselves?

I'm a middle child..I can tell you there aren't a lot of opportunties for special attention..can sometimes get lost between the Firsts of the oldest..and the extra attention for the baby.

As parents, We only get one shot at this..so if you really feel like your middle child would strongly benefit from this and get him out of what he's in right now...I'd do it.

Just my 2cents

 

[higgy66]

I'll be honest I'm not sure what the solution is.

If, as a child, my Mum had taken one of my siblings to Disney without me I think I would have some serious issues with this. A weekend away somewhere else maybe not a problem, but Disney??

It's a toughie and I wish you luck.

If you desperately need this weekend away by yourself I would go as planned and perhaps do something else with your son at another time?

 

[fortheluvofpooh]

I would say no. you can take him out one evening and give him one on one time. But it is not fair to the other children.

 

[mom2aredhead]

My heart is telling me to do it, my brain is telling me it's not fair. Maybe it's not fair that I am going at all - but it's too late to cancel -the airfare is not refundable.

I grew up as one of 3 kids (I was the oldest).
Someone told me this a long time ago, and it has stuck with me.

"FAIR" does not mean "SAME". They are 2 different things.

It's not going to be "fair" when your oldest gets to stay out later than the younger ones. Or when he is driving and they are not. Or can go to movies that may not be appropriate for them. It's all part of treating them as individual people rather than part of a group where everything has to be even.

Your oldest gets to go hunting with his father, you do special things with your little girl, your middle one gets to go on a weekend trip with you. You're giving all 3 of them special alone time with a parent, which is the important thing. It shouldn't matter where or when it happens.

Good luck with your decision - it's a tough one. And have a great trip regardless of how it ends up!

 

[grlpwrd]

No, I wouldn't take just him and leave the others behind. I would not choose one over the others just because he or she has a "broken wing" so to speak.

This is a perfect time for everyone to come together.

Take care and good luck in whatever you decide....

ETA: I didn't mean to offend when I say "broken wing." I have personally experienced the "broken wing" effect when my parents and grandparents gave special attention to only the one's that are perceived to need the most care. I did not like being left out.

 

[dmccarty]

If it was only two children I think then answer would be don't do it. But with the middle child I can see the conundrum.

DW and I have talked about just heading to WDW without the kids. It would be fun but we just could not go and leave them at home.

If he has been having problems in school and not behaving would a trip to WDW REWARD the bad behavior? Maybe you should tell him that if his behavior changes for the better then the two of you can go to WDW?

But I think one would then have to offer something special to the other kids as well to be fair to them.

This is a tough decision...

 

[2Kds2K9]

Yes, this is a hard one. A year or so ago, my DH took my DS to Florida as a reward for good grades. This was to our condo for the weekend not Disney. DD was very good about it and has since earned good grades to go also. But, we've not had the opportunity to take her yet. So now she wants to trade it in for an opportunity to bring a friend to FL. Just might happen.

Anyway, with the ages of your kids, I think that your 9YO DD would understand that she would get an opportunity with some alone time or special trip with Mom or Dad at another time. Sounds like the older is already getting special alone time.

I think I would take him. I say this as a mother of a son who is currently "lost". As your DS, he had trouble dealing with middle school and even had problems with bullies most of his life. If I had the opportunity to spend some one on one time to reconnect and to "be there" when he feels like talking and giving him that chance, I'd do it in a heartbeat. This is such a rough age for boys and I think if he could share some time with you, it would be beneficial to you both. Disney would offer so many opportunities to just have fun, reconnect, and shares your thoughts and dreams.

I say go, but make sure the others get an opportunity for some special time too!

Good Luck,
Leigh

 

[Laurycurr]

I think it would be great to spend some one on one time with your son. I am a mom of four boys and often struggle with making sure each one gets enough attention. My husband had an opportunity to take the youngest one to Fl for a long weekend and his brothers were fine with it. I also have a middle schooler who is well adjusted but recently had to struggle with why two kids his age would kill themselves in the same week my answerf for him was that they felt life was just too difficult. SO I think it would probably be great for you and your son.

 

[mousefanmichelle]

Thanks everyone for the great responses so far. Keep them coming.

What makes this hard is that I don't want to make him think I am rewarding him for his bad behavior and he might get that impression. What kid wouldn't? He's the middle. He has, what we think is, low self esteem. He doesn't have many friends and the ones he does have don't really call him to play. He thinks he has to act out to get attention. I am just really struggling with him. He and I are like oil and water sometimes - as hard as I try. I feel horrible about what he is going through and I just want to wrap my arms around him and hold him there forever.

Do I think that this trip is going to make a difference for him as opposed to us just spending more alone time together? I don't know. One part of me thinks yes and another part thinks I need to make real changes that are going to last not temporary changes - for a weekend.

Being a parent is the single most rewarding, yet hardest thing I have ever done in my life.

 

[Keara'sMom]

If, as a child, my Mum had taken one of my siblings to Disney without me I think I would have some serious issues with this. A weekend away somewhere else maybe not a problem, but Disney??

I was thinking the same thing. Also, I agree that your ds (and maybe even your other kids) might view this as some kind of "reward" for negative behavior. Could you do something alone with him another weekend and keep the WDW trip for just you? If you decide to go alone, I'm hoping that you won't feel guilty about it. If this has been a difficult year, I'm sure your alone time is well deserved.

Take care, and enjoy your weekend, whatever you decide to do.

 

[mommy-on-the-move]

I think I'd worry more about the other 2 seeing it as him being rewarded for bad behaviour and acting out than i would him.

I have four kids and they do all occasional get some time alone with one or the other of us but big things like weekends away we focus on being a family together and reenforce the fact they don't have to have mom or dad exclusively to themselves to be able to enjoy themselves.

My eldest son (2nd child- my kids are girl 10, boy 5, girl 4, boy 17 months) has special needs, he's hard work- probably more than the girls & the baby put together and he does need the time out on his own but that takes place as part of a father & son group he attends with my husband- I think your answer might be in incorporating him more in day to day things than special vacations.

Personally i think a weekend as disney without the others would manifest in resentment amoungst them.

Would your husband be able to take both boys on the hunting trip?

 

[brymolmom]

I'm not sure this would be sending all 3 of your kids the right message. If I were a lot younger and I saw one of my siblings get a special weekend alone in WDW with parent.....and then tied it together with the fact that that sibling was having behavior issues. Well, to me that would mean maybe if I behave poorly that I will get a trip too.

Doesn't sound like a good idea to me.

And I'm not a big believer in that 'middle child' issue....I'm sure middle child has some sort of activity/etc. for which they get special treatment or attention, or, if not, it likely has more to do with that child himself rather than being the middle child.

 

[LoveTwoTravel]

"FAIR" does not mean "SAME". They are 2 different things.

I agree.

1) If you think your son would benefit from it then I think you should take him,

2) You may actually get a better idea of what's going on with him b/c he might open up if it is just you and him (what if there's something bigger???)

3) YOU WILL PROBABLY NOT REGRET TAKING, HIM BUT YOU MAY REGRET NOT TAKING HIM.


You asked for "what would you do" on this post. If it was me, I'd take him. 11 years old is old enough to be good company, not need too much "Mothering" (i.e. diapers, meal time, bathing, problems on the plane, etc.), and you won't get this time back.

Fair doesn't mean same. If he needs it, take him. This could be a life turning point for him: give him the quiet time HE needs to face his school/life troubles again. He may turn out to be some comfort for you as well.

I'm actually finding myself hoping that you will take him.

 

[Darcy03231]

I would plan some time away alone with him, but not Disney. I think if you take one child to Disney and not the other two there will be more issues when you get home than when you left. Can you plan an overnight away doing something he enjoys? You could then do the same with each of your other children so they all could get an overnight trip one on one with mom. I once took DD about 2 hours from home to a hotel/spa. It was off season and I also had a coupon. We had a great time. A couple of months later I took DS about an hour away to a pro basketball game (he loves basketball, its his favorite sport). We went to dinner, stayed for the game, stayed over in a hotel and came home late the next morning. Both kids still talk about their trips with mom (it was about 2 years ago) but neither felt left out of anything because I did what appealed to them with them. DS would have hated the spa and DD would have hated the basketball game.

 

[jamieT]

Thanks everyone for the great responses so far. Keep them coming.

What makes this hard is that I don't want to make him think I am rewarding him for his bad behavior and he might get that impression. What kid wouldn't? He's the middle. He has, what we think is, low self esteem. He doesn't have many friends and the ones he does have don't really call him to play. He thinks he has to act out to get attention. I am just really struggling with him. He and I are like oil and water sometimes - as hard as I try. I feel horrible about what he is going through and I just want to wrap my arms around him and hold him there forever.

Do I think that this trip is going to make a difference for him as opposed to us just spending more alone time together? I don't know. One part of me thinks yes and another part thinks I need to make real changes that are going to last not temporary changes - for a weekend.

Being a parent is the single most rewarding, yet hardest thing I have ever done in my life.

Can you elaborate on what he has been doing to get into trouble. That also might help. Have you talked to him? Is he angry, sad, just floundering? Is he being teased at school or just having poor friends? It makes a diference in your choice. Middle School was a nightmare for me. One thing that helped me get through it is my dad would bring me lunch at school. Can you have lunch with him? Can you see if that inproves his attitude and behavior and then use the Disney as a reward??

 

[tina_la]

I would take him. I have a middle son and he tends to be the one that needs/ craves more attention. Something about being the middle child, you don't always feel special. Kids aren't stupid and your children seem to all be at the age to understand this is not about rewarding bad behavior. I think this could be a great chance to connect with your middle child.
You seem to already think this is what you need to do and I would go with your gut. You know your kids and what they need.

 

[korynsmom]

Sometimes as parents, especially mothers, we are so busy worrying about everyone else's problems and needs, we forget about our own. Taking this trip by yourself may help you see the big picture, and get you the time to yourself that you crave and need. And you will come home a better mom for having had this "me" time. And then all 3 children will benefit from a rested and renewed mom. You may then be able to give 100% to your son's needs.

If mom isn't happy, no one's happy. And I bet a mom in Disney is a happy one!!

 

[MO Nurse]

I am a mother of 3. My son is 15 and I have twin girls almost 13. It's difficult to separate the twins and let them have their own personality. Right now I am having some difficulty with my son. If it was me I would take the weekend to myself and when you come back take him somewhere and spend one on one time with him. You need the weekend to relax and get yourself together and then come back and you will be able to better deal with things. Your son can see that the others are getting things he isn't and I know how hard it can be to even things out but it sounds like he really needs some one on one.

 

[anl]

I'm a middle child and the m.c. definitely gets left out...or feels left out a lot. Some of it may be in our heads, but when you are a child, that's how you think. And I read a book about birth order and he said (which also applies to me so I agree) that it's harder on the m.c. when the oldest is the same sex and youngest is a different sex (like in your family). You seem like you need a break though, so maybe this a good time for YOUR break and then sit down and plan something special for you and him. Write it down on the calendar and don't let anything interfere...make it also non-refundable. Good luck!