What would you do if...

[epcot.girl]

Wow...you do realize that even if the girl was very good about birth control and used it, it can fail, condoms rip, pills can be made ineffective if not used properly, like if you are on anitbiotics. What is she wasnt having unprotected sex, would you still have such a harsh stance

When condoms break there's the morning after pill (known as Plan B in the US I think?). As for the pill, it's made very clear (at least in the UK) what can reduce the effectiveness of OC on the leaflet it comes with in the pack, so if you're sick or taking antibiotics you know to use extra protection. These also contribute to being very good about birth control.

I've had contraception fail on me. An IUD of all things. Once you get pregnant whatever decision you make has the potential to affect you for the rest of your life. This, and the risk of getting an STI, are why I think teenagers should really be doubling up on protection anyway. Condoms to cover both pregnancy and STI protection, and then another form of contraception that the female is comfortable with (the pill, copper or hormonal IUD, implant, etc.) for extra protection against pregnancy and for if the condom is used incorrectly.

 

[epcot.girl]

No matter what choice - adoption, abortion, keeping the baby - there are going to be unresolved issues and 2nd guessing. A pregnant 15 year old is going to be a life altering event. No matter what decision, it's going to present challenges.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

Well hopefully, the teen girls who get kicked to the curb for keeping their babies will be taken in by someone who can provide love and support...

 

[luvsJack]

I'm with cornflake on this and as a parent of a 14 1/2 year old dd I can say that I'm not concerned with emotional problems my dd may have 30 years from now, I'm concerned with her being a parent now. 30 years equals alot of therapy if needed. I will do whatever I could to convince her to have an abortion, and while I wouldn't throw her out of the house, it would be made clear that if she thinks she is grown up enough and responsible enough to be a parent then she alone will be. She will be required to finish school and work along with being a mother. She can make her decision after knowing exactly what her future will be like, there will be no sugar coating it, and there will be no "don't worry I'll take care of you". She will know that as long as she is a child living in my house there will be rules. If she decides to keep the baby after that, so be it, her choice nobody is forcing her to do anything by taking away her opther options. They may not be what she likes, but there they are.

And I think if you know your 14 year old is having sex, then putting her on birth control IS what is best. I know you have a dd the same age as mine, so I know you know they don't always know what is best, like them deciding to have unprotected sex getting pregnant and becoming a parent.

ETA, to some abortion is that neat little way tp get rid of a problem. Just because you or your friend doesn't feel that way doesn't mean its not true. I know a few who have had abortions in HS and even after, and are perfectly fine with that decision today.

The 14 year old in question on the bc is NOT having sex and has said over and over again, that she is planning to wait until marriage. Of course that can change but this isn't something she wants to do. Its something her mom wants to do because of her own issues of dealing with the abortion she had.

For a lot of women there is more to abortion than just an option. There can be extreme emotional problems that come after the abortion.

You are right, I do have a dd that is almost 14. When she and her bff asked when I think is the right time for a girl to get on bc (because of the mom forcing the girl on it), I told them that I would hope dd would be smart enough to let me know when she felt she needed them. I also made sure they understood that bc pills are not fool proof and they do not protect from diseases and that other forms of birth control may be a better option.

Being fine or not fine with having an abortion all comes down to a person's belief system. If a young girl has a strong belief against abortion and her parents force her to have one by taking away any and all other options, it can cause serious problem in that person. You cannot assume that your child has the same beliefs as you do.

I do not want dd to be a parent at 15 either, and am doing all the talking I can to prevent it from happening. But if it does, I will not take her choices from her. It is HER baby and HER body and it has to be HER choice (and that of the boy, if he chooses to be a part of the decision). And I would support may child in whatever choice she made. I don't believe in forcing my beliefs on her so I would be very careful to take that out of the equation unless she honestly asked.

I would let her know how it would be to raise a child at her age, just as you would with your dd. But, I wouldn't try to sway her my way by making her think her life would be over either. She could still finish high school, she could still go to college, she would still be able to do things that young people do, she would just have to make her first responsiblity to her child. Personally, if at all possible, we would support her financially. School and taking care of the child would be enough for a young girl. As long as she was making sure that she was making a future for her and the child, that would be enough.

 

[okeydokey]

Not to speak for the poster you're quoting, but I don't think they meant it like that. As I agree with them - I'll clarify that I didn't mean forcing, except by circumstance.

Like as in you can have an abortion or find a new place to live. Entirely the pregnant person's choice, but those are the choices she'd have.

I don't believe you actually have children, because this is hateful and most parents aren't hateful to their children.

 

[AntePrincess]

I can see why she'd choose adoption even if her parents were willing to raise the baby:

She might think it'd be painful for her to see the child on a constant basis . . . might think that you can't really afford this expensive choice and the child would have to sacrafice . . . might think that the child deserves younger parents who are better able to manage a toddler . . . might think that the child would later dislike her because of the choice she made . . . might be concerned that as an older parent, you'd die and leave the child on her own too soon in life . . . if you're a single or widowed mother, might think that the child would be better off with two parents. I can imagine a whole slew of reasons why the girl might think that her own parents might not be the best choice -- whether that's realistic or not is a highly subjective subject, but the question is what the girl thinks.

A girl who considers adoption is trying to find the best possible place for her child. You're saying that minus abuse, it's ALWAYS family. Someone else could easily disagree.

To be clear, I said minus abuse and given a capable family (which I think covers the financial and age arguments you brought up), I'd side with family.

I can't speak to what other families do, I'm talking about my family. In the scenario here, I'd be 35 when my hypothetical 15yo daughter got pregnant. Playing the financial card would only rupture the relationship further, another "vote of no confidence" in the family. As far as the pain argument, people cope. It's much better to be in a situation where you can make a difference and interact than to sever relationships for good.

For those who are so adamantly against "giving away your grandchild", consider the other side of the coin. Suppose your daughter was unable to have her own children, and she adopted. By your logic, you wouldn't really love that child who isn't your own "flesh and blood". Even though you might be involved in that child's life even before his birth, you'd never have that "flesh and blood" connection. I can't buy that.

False dichotomy. Just because you would move heaven and earth to raise your own grandchild does not mean you would reject someone who was not born into your family. We love our friends, after all (sometimes more than our relatives). Trying to keep those who were born into your family within it doesn't even imply that you rank children, it's its own thing.

All things being equal, I believe it is better for a child to remain with the family they were born into. In fact, I believe that remaining with your family of birth is significantly better than adoption in most circumstances, certainly when there is enough money to cover needs and a healthy, functioning family at home. Obviously, adoption is the far better choice when there is no home, no functioning family, or other dire circumstances like no money to survive.

ETA: IIRC, relatives can almost always sue for custody of a child put up for adoption to prevent a stranger adoption and a PPs story about a foster-to-adopt situation that fell through due to relatives getting involved vouches for that. My 15yo daughter is free to make her choice to put the child up for adoption, but I would have the legal groundwork in place long before the birth to adopt my grandchild myself. There are legal limits to the daughter's choices, after all. In most cases, the mother cannot unilaterally break up the family.

 

[luvmy3]

By saying this though, you are saying that you will only support your child if they make the decisions you want them to make. They wanna keep the baby? Then get the heck out of my home. What 15 year old pregnant girl could do that? She sure wouldn't be able to find legal full time work to pay the bills, would she? I also don't know of any landlords that would rent to a 15 year old jobless pregnant girl.

So, yes, you are forcing her hand. By taking away your support, you are forcing her to make the decision you want her to make.

If you look back at my post you would see that I said that I wouldn't kick her out of my home, but I certainly respect any parent's choice to do what they feel they have to do.

And FTR, my dd knows our expectations already, so if she chooses to have unprotected sex and gets herself pregnant she does it with the full knowledge that she is responsible for anything that happens. She would be making her own choice knowing that mom and dad will not financially support her child. Just to be clear, that doesn't mean she would be left to starve, she'd have a roof over her head and food in the fridge but anything else will be her responsibilty and anything for her baby would be also, including food and diapers and clothing, etc. There will be no more ski club, and school dances, and summers at the local water park with friends. If she isn't okay with all that, then no she wasn't forced into anything, she made her choice.

 

[luvsJack]

Sorry but if its truly her decision, and she is responsible enough to become a parent at 15 then there is no "forcing" them by taking away other options since someone who is ready to be a parent certainly should be ready for those other options. Having to support yourself and your own child is part of the responsibilty of being a parent. If you can't handle it, then you aren't ready to be a parent and that leaves you with the choice of abortion, or adoption.

Cornflake said that he/she would tell the girl that she could either have an abortion or get out of the house. That is taking away all other options. What 15 year old is willing to live on the street? She would have to be a very strong girl to make that choice.

I can't respect ANY parent for kicking a 15 year old out on the street. There are too many other options.

 

[Ceila]

I don't believe you actually have children, because this is hateful and most parents aren't hateful to their children.

I hope you are right. But as we see on the news all the time, there are also parents who abuse and neglect their children, so cornflake's attitude is sadly something that some so-called parents might actually have.

 

[SaraJayne]

Well hopefully, the teen girls who get kicked to the curb for keeping their babies will be taken in by someone who can provide love and support...

When cornflake has children, it will be interesting to see how their viewpoint changes.

 

[RitaE]

If you look back at my post you would see that I said that I wouldn't kick her out of my home, but I certainly respect any parent's choice to do what they feel they have to do. .

Well I don't.

I don't respect anybody who'd put a pregnant and alone 15 year old girl out on the streets with no money to beg for food, healthcare and housing from whatever charity group she could find and failing that probably turn to prostitution or whatever in order to feed herself and possibly a baby.

In fact "not respect" doesn't even come close to describing my feelings on that matter.

It is one of those questions that make me ask what is the purpose of your children? My children don't exist to make me happy, make me proud, make me whatever. They don't not become my children just because they aren't doing it for me anymore.

I am their Mom and I am their Mom even when they are pissing me off to maximum levels.

 

[luvmy3]

Cornflake said that he/she would tell the girl that she could either have an abortion or get out of the house. That is taking away all other options. What 15 year old is willing to live on the street? She would have to be a very strong girl to make that choice.

I can't respect ANY parent for kicking a 15 year old out on the street. There are too many other options.

I guess that is where we are different because I have no problem respecting a parent's decision to get her 15 year old to see that becoming a parent at that age is not the right thing to do. Maybe if more parents did that we wouldn't have such a problem with teen parents.

 

[SaraJayne]

Well I don't.

I don't respect anybody who'd put a pregnant and alone 15 year old girl out on the streets with no money to beg for food, healthcare and housing from whatever charity group she could find and failing that probably turn to prostitution or whatever in order to feed herself and possibly a baby.

In fact "not respect" doesn't even come close to describing my feelings on that matter.

It is one of those questions that make me ask what is the purpose of your children? My children don't exist to make me happy, make me proud, make me whatever. They don't not become my children just because they aren't doing it for me anymore.

I am their Mom and I am their Mom even when they are pissing me off to maximum levels.

Once again, I completely agree with you.

 

[luvsJack]

Well I don't.

I don't respect anybody who'd put a pregnant and alone 15 year old girl out on the streets with no money to beg for food, healthcare and housing from whatever charity group she could find and failing that probably turn to prostitution or whatever in order to feed herself and possibly a baby.

In fact "not respect" doesn't even come close to describing my feelings on that matter.

It is one of those questions that make me ask what is the purpose of your children? My children don't exist to make me happy, make me proud, make me whatever. They don't not become my children just because they aren't doing it for me anymore.

I am their Mom and I am their Mom even when they are pissing me off to maximum levels.

I totally agree. I have seen kids that were kicked out and what it did to their lives.

There is no way I could have even the slightest respect for someone that did that not only to their child but to the innocent baby.

 

[minkydog]

In a hot second. First, we'd discuss the utter, unbelievable stupidity of getting pregnant when you've been WELL advised of how that happens, how to not let that happen and you know there are birth control options like a half a block from you in every direction, pretty much no matter where you are here.

Then we'd discus where to get an abortion and how I'd be paid back if I was lending money for one. And how we'd spend the next year discussing the above stupidity some more.

If there was insistance on keeping the kid? There's the door, send along a forwarding address for your mail. Hopefully, a strong stand on that would convince someone that they should reconsider.


.

I have a question about the whole "kicking her to the curb" idea. What does the law say? I know that in my state parents are responsible for the care and upkeep of their children until age 18 and there are consequences for parents who don't do that. Teenage mothers are considered adults for the purposes of healthcare and decision-making for their child, but I'm not sure if they are legally emancipated or not. If I sent any other 15yo out into the street with no means of support, the law would be on me like white on rice!

So what happens when a parent *does* kick the girl out at 15? Do they send her to foster care? Does CPS come knocking at her parents door? Who is responsible for the girl's housing & schooling if her parents wash their hands of her? Does she just live in the streets and alleys with her newborn while her parents are living it up in their nice warm home? What does the law say about this?

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

Well I don't.

I don't respect anybody who'd put a pregnant and alone 15 year old girl out on the streets with no money to beg for food, healthcare and housing from whatever charity group she could find and failing that probably turn to prostitution or whatever in order to feed herself and possibly a baby.

In fact "not respect" doesn't even come close to describing my feelings on that matter.

It is one of those questions that make me ask what is the purpose of your children? My children don't exist to make me happy, make me proud, make me whatever. They don't not become my children just because they aren't doing it for me anymore.

I am their Mom and I am their Mom even when they are pissing me off to maximum levels.

YES!!!

How is leaving them to fend for themselves teching them anything other than the fact that they can't depend on the ONE PERSON in this world who is supposed to love and support them no matter what???

I'm not saying that the situation doesn't warrent some tough love, but it is better than seemingly NO love.

 

[luvsJack]

I guess that is where we are different because I have no problem respecting a parent's decision to get her 15 year old to see that becoming a parent at that age is not the right thing to do. Maybe if more parents did that we wouldn't have such a problem with teen parents.

No, we would have more kids living on the streets. A teen is going to have a hard time going back. And what if she gives in and asks to come home after the baby comes? The teen and this baby are just left on the street?

What if there are complication in the pregnancy? Its ok to put your child's health and life at risk?

Teen pregnancy has been around a long, long time. It has a lot more to do with the hormones than it does with the parenting of the teen. The only way to combat it is to give them the tools they need to prevent it. (and that doesn't mean forcing your daughter to take a pill every day)

 

[njmom47]

This did happen in our family, although my dd was 18. We supported her and the baby and the baby's father (they lived with us for a while, then lived with his family for awhile). They have since broken up but he and his family do visit my dgd frequently and she is receiving child support.
We do what we can although she is living on her own with the baby now (and is being helped by social services...no flames please...there are other issues as well but not with my dd and dgd).
DD belongs to a support group for teen moms, and when she first found out she was pregnant and went to a couple of meetings, there were girls there that had been kicked out of their houses for being pregnant. Apparently, it did not occur to my dd that was actually an option!
I was adopted as an infant....and while I won't say I'm totally messed up from it, there are times when it does affect me.

 

[luvmy3]

No, we would have more kids living on the streets. A teen is going to have a hard time going back. And what if she gives in and asks to come home after the baby comes? The teen and this baby are just left on the street?

What if there are complication in the pregnancy? Its ok to put your child's health and life at risk?

Teen pregnancy has been around a long, long time. It has a lot more to do with the hormones than it does with the parenting of the teen. The only way to combat it is to give them the tools they need to prevent it. (and that doesn't mean forcing your daughter to take a pill every day)

I'm not talking about teen "pregnancy", I'm talking about teen "parents", and while it may be your opinion that we'd have more teens living on the street, its not mine.

 

[topolino]

When cornflake has children, it will be interesting to see how their viewpoint changes.

Bite your tongue!! The world would much better off if that person does NOT reproduce!