What would you do if...

[luvsJack]

At 15 she would not be having a baby, we would be going to the clinic. When she got home she would get a job and focus on school. That child would have no free time.

Not to speak for the poster you're quoting, but I don't think they meant it like that. As I agree with them - I'll clarify that I didn't mean forcing, except by circumstance.

Like as in you can have an abortion or find a new place to live. Entirely the pregnant person's choice, but those are the choices she'd have.

In other words, you would be forcing your child by taking away all other options.

There is more to the choice of abortion than it just being one of the options. If your dd has a different belief system than you and doesn't believe in abortion, you would still take away her options and place to live so that she would live by your beliefs?

I have a friend that was "given the choice" of abortion. She still has emotional problems from that 30 years later. And dd has a friend whose mom had an abortion in high school. Now she is putting her 14 year old on birth control so it doesn't happen to her. The child doesn't WANT to go on birth control, but the mom thinks its "best".

When giving a pregnant girl an option ALL parts of that option should be given to her. And abortion isn't the neat little way to get rid of a problem that you seem to think.

 

[luvmy3]

In other words, you would be forcing your child by taking away all other options.

There is more to the choice of abortion than it just being one of the options. If your dd has a different belief system than you and doesn't believe in abortion, you would still take away her options and place to live so that she would live by your beliefs?

I have a friend that was "given the choice" of abortion. She still has emotional problems from that 30 years later. And dd has a friend whose mom had an abortion in high school. Now she is putting her 14 year old on birth control so it doesn't happen to her. The child doesn't WANT to go on birth control, but the mom thinks its "best".

When giving a pregnant girl an option ALL parts of that option should be given to her. And abortion isn't the neat little way to get rid of a problem that you seem to think.

I'm with cornflake on this and as a parent of a 14 1/2 year old dd I can say that I'm not concerned with emotional problems my dd may have 30 years from now, I'm concerned with her being a parent now. 30 years equals alot of therapy if needed. I will do whatever I could to convince her to have an abortion, and while I wouldn't throw her out of the house, it would be made clear that if she thinks she is grown up enough and responsible enough to be a parent then she alone will be. She will be required to finish school and work along with being a mother. She can make her decision after knowing exactly what her future will be like, there will be no sugar coating it, and there will be no "don't worry I'll take care of you". She will know that as long as she is a child living in my house there will be rules. If she decides to keep the baby after that, so be it, her choice nobody is forcing her to do anything by taking away her opther options. They may not be what she likes, but there they are.

And I think if you know your 14 year old is having sex, then putting her on birth control IS what is best. I know you have a dd the same age as mine, so I know you know they don't always know what is best, like them deciding to have unprotected sex getting pregnant and becoming a parent.

ETA, to some abortion is that neat little way tp get rid of a problem. Just because you or your friend doesn't feel that way doesn't mean its not true. I know a few who have had abortions in HS and even after, and are perfectly fine with that decision today.

 

[MrsPete]

You know...People never seem to take the other set of grandparents into consideration.

So, as a question to you, if your son came home and said he got a girl pregnant how would YOU handle it?

I think he should have every bit as much of a say as the girl.

But legally, he doesn't have many options. Back at my old school a home ec teacher was across the hall from me, and she had the greatest poster -- the boys'd stop and read it and ask, "Is that really true?"

It listed 50 things that can happen to a young man because he gets his girlfriend pregnant. It said something like, Your decision to have unprotected sex can garnish your wages for the next 18 years EVEN IF you wanted the girl to have an abortion . . . she told you she was on the pill . . . she has more money than you do . . . she doesn't use the money wisely . . . she marries someone else . . . you don't have enough money to live on yourself . . . you don't see the baby . . . she moves out of the area . . . you have more children yourself . . .

A teenaged father really has NO options. He is at the mercy of what the girl decides to do. If she wants an abortion, he can't stop her. If she wants to raise the baby against his objects, he can't stop her. He can force her hand in one single way: If she wants to give the baby up for adoption, he can demand that it comes to him instead. And he can demand child support from her.

If I had sons, I would make very, very, very sure they understood that getting a girl pregnant could change the rest of their lives -- and they'd have almost NO CONTROL over what happened. It's a whole lot easier to avoid the situation than to deal with it.

 

[cabanafrau]

You are reading into what I said based on what you said.

Maybe you could re-read what you said.



NOT one father has stepped up? OK that isn't biased at all. You are cautioning your daughters, why? Because the boys and their families do not step up ever. You said NONE.

If you would re-read what I said I mentioned teen pregnancy cases I am familiar with, not all teen pregnancy cases. My caution is based on that observation and I stand by it. I also said I would caution my daughters, not have cautioned them. Hopefully that's a conversation we never need to have.

I said NONE of the boys stepped up ever, because that is what happened in these cases. That's not bias. The situations where the boys' families have involved themselves haven't gone well either. I believe I also pointed out that the girls and their families weren't all deserving of halos either.

Who knows, maybe that's why I didn't focus my discussions with my daughters strictly on unprotected sex and the fallout. Maybe all these talks over the years about being very careful about the boys they date and have relationships with actually had a point to them after all.

 

[Mkrop]

In a hot second. First, we'd discuss the utter, unbelievable stupidity of getting pregnant when you've been WELL advised of how that happens, how to not let that happen and you know there are birth control options like a half a block from you in every direction, pretty much no matter where you are here. Then we'd discus where to get an abortion and how I'd be paid back if I was lending money for one. And how we'd spend the next year discussing the above stupidity some more.

If there was insistance on keeping the kid? There's the door, send along a forwarding address for your mail. Hopefully, a strong stand on that would convince someone that they should reconsider.



It does in my house, perhaps not in yours and that's fine. Those of us saying that were speaking personally.

As to the father having a say, I think people were talking about during pregnancy. If there ends up a child involved, of course he has a say and rights (should he petition for them in the theoretical case here).

Before, or in a discussion of if, any child is born however, he has no say whatsoever, no.

Wow...you do realize that even if the girl was very good about birth control and used it, it can fail, condoms rip, pills can be made ineffective if not used properly, like if you are on anitbiotics. What is she wasnt having unprotected sex, would you still have such a harsh stance

I get to a degree with what you are saying about being stupid bc I have drilled into DS14's head that anytime you have sex a baby can result even if you think you are protected so make sure you are willing to take on that responsibility...but mistakes do happen.

I'm with cornflake on this and as a parent of a 14 1/2 year old dd I can say that I'm not concerned with emotional problems my dd may have 30 years from now, I'm concerned with her being a parent now. 30 years equals alot of therapy if needed. I will do whatever I could to convince her to have an abortion, and while I wouldn't throw her out of the house, it would be made clear that if she thinks she is grown up enough and responsible enough to be a parent then she alone will be. She will be required to finish school and work along with being a mother. She can make her decision after knowing exactly what her future will be like, there will be no sugar coating it, and there will be no "don't worry I'll take care of you". She will know that as long as she is a child living in my house there will be rules. If she decides to keep the baby after that, so be it, her choice nobody is forcing her to do anything by taking away her opther options. They may not be what she likes, but there they are.

And I think if you know your 14 year old is having sex, then putting her on birth control IS what is best. I know you have a dd the same age as mine, so I know you know they don't always know what is best, like them deciding to have unprotected sex getting pregnant and becoming a parent.

Holy makceral, your words sound so harsh! And once again what if your child was protected and the BC failed, would you feel the same

I have boys so I can answer hypothetically for a DD. I "think" I would have her explore the option of adoption but truly I do not know if I could actually see the baby go to another family even though my BFF has been truly blessed by the wonderful gift the birthmom gave her when she got her son.

If my son came home and said that he got someone pregnant, I would have us as a family go to the girl's family once again to discuss options and offer any finincial and emotional support that we could. It takes two to tango.

The friend I mentioned above had a adoption not go thru bc the father changed his mind and would not sign over his rights.

 

[Heidict]

I am so saddened by some of these responses. Forcing your child to have an abortion. That is absolutley disgusting. Sure, you say that you wouldn't hold them down while the baby is ripped out of her, but you would darn sure make it her only choice. I can't imagine the wrath they would endure if they didn't do what you wanted. Give them the option, if that is what you believe in, fine. But to force them? Sounds like some people have control issues.

Kicking your 15 year old pregnant daughter out on the streets? As a parent we should love our children unconditionally. This does not mean that we have to agree with their decisions or be happy about them, but by kicking them out, without any resources, a place to live, a dollar in their pocket is the epitome of rejection. Go on and say how you love your child but you aren't supporting their bad choice. You really think your 15 year old daughter would feel that way?

Nope, she would feel rejected, unloved and all alone. Don't be surprised if you never speak to her again or ever see your grandchild. I guess you would be perfectly fine with her living on the streets, sucking off the state, heck maybe for good measure she could become a prostitute to earn a living. You sure as heck didn't give her any other choices. I guess some people would be fine with that though. After all, they aren't in your house anymore, so it's not your problem.


If this were my daughter, I would love and support her. I would talk it out with her, discuss all the options and the ramifications of each. If she decided to keep the child, I would help her get a game plan together that would enable her to finish school and get a college education so that she could work towards becoming an independent, strong, single mother. I would do what ever I could to make sure that my child is successful and that my grandchild is raised by a mother he or she could be proud of. One mistake, one misstep should not spell ruin for the rest of her life. We all make mistakes and I thank God that my parents were there to help me through them and didn't throw me to the wayside.

If she choose adoption I would do what ever I could to assist her in the endeavor, making sure that she understood the long lasting effects of it on both herself and her child. It is her child, her body and her decision. I am there to support her, not control her and force her into making decisions that she is not comfortable with.

 

[MrsPete]

Her hypothetical child is 1) my grandchild, 2) a member of the wider family, and 3) not "her" child anymore once they have been adopted out. Choosing to put a child up for adoption against the wishes of family members who are decent, non-abusive parents, actively preventing them from adopting the child so they could remain within the family, I have a hard time believing that that's not spiteful. As for my presumed spite, that's not the emotion in play, it is hurt and a feeling of complete betrayal. She would have done to my grandchild what my father attempted to do to me, the only way we could continue a relationship from there is if we managed to correct the mistake.

I can see why she'd choose adoption even if her parents were willing to raise the baby:

She might think it'd be painful for her to see the child on a constant basis . . . might think that you can't really afford this expensive choice and the child would have to sacrafice . . . might think that the child deserves younger parents who are better able to manage a toddler . . . might think that the child would later dislike her because of the choice she made . . . might be concerned that as an older parent, you'd die and leave the child on her own too soon in life . . . if you're a single or widowed mother, might think that the child would be better off with two parents. I can imagine a whole slew of reasons why the girl might think that her own parents might not be the best choice -- whether that's realistic or not is a highly subjective subject, but the question is what the girl thinks.

A girl who considers adoption is trying to find the best possible place for her child. You're saying that minus abuse, it's ALWAYS family. Someone else could easily disagree.

Anyway, this isn't a situation that occurs often in real life. I've been teaching for two decades now, and I know exactly ONE teenager who gave up a baby for adoption. Maybe this happened frequently in past generations, but it just doesn't happen anymore. Single motherhood has become more acceptable in society, and money is available through social programs. Teenagers just don't give up their babies for adoption.

I have a friend who works in a private adoption placement service, and I commented to her once that I don't see where they get babies anymore -- all the teens I know keep their babies (or have abortions, and I rarely know about that). She said that teenagers aren't the ones who give babies up for adoption: Teens still live at home, have their parents supporting them, and don't really grasp how expensive and time-consuming it is to raise a child. She says it's 20-somethings in dire situations who turn to adoption. Specifically, she says that 20-somethings who already have one child and know they can't manage another, yet also can't see themselves aborting -- they're the ones who choose adoption. She says that a married woman with financial troubles is more likely to give up a baby for adoption than a teenager. The other big group of birthmothers are women who are pregnant in prison. Her own son was adopted from a mother who was in prison, and she says that's the best of all worlds: The birth mother was eating three times a day and had limited access to alcohol and drugs.

 

[kamik86]

I would hug her and tell her I love her but not give any false hope that this would be easy. I would talk to her about her options. Find out who the Dad is and make sure he knows and find out what he wants in the one area he can control, if he will be a Dad physically or if we will only be seeing a check.

Then I would start helping her prep for the baby. but she would be taking care of the baby. She would have no social life as she would be coming home and caring for an infant.

As for if she didn't take care of the baby. Then i would call child protective services. I would take care of it but make it clear that she wasn't... and follow that process. She could then choose to move out but that wouldn't stop me from checking in on my grand baby. If she is so bad the child is taken from her I would depending on my situation either take the baby myself but with my daughter having no parental rights or let the baby go for adoption to a family that would care for the baby.

 

[luvmy3]

I am so saddened by some of these responses. Forcing your child to have an abortion. That is absolutley disgusting. Sure, you say that you wouldn't hold them down while the baby is ripped out of her, but you would darn sure make it her only choice. I can't imagine the wrath they would endure if they didn't do what you wanted. Give them the option, if that is what you believe in, fine. But to force them? Sounds like some people have control issues.

Sorry but if its truly her decision, and she is responsible enough to become a parent at 15 then there is no "forcing" them by taking away other options since someone who is ready to be a parent certainly should be ready for those other options. Having to support yourself and your own child is part of the responsibilty of being a parent. If you can't handle it, then you aren't ready to be a parent and that leaves you with the choice of abortion, or adoption.

 

[MrsPete]

I'm surprised at the number of posters that have said a teenage father has no rights. That is certainly not the case where I live! Both parents have an equal right to parent a child under the law.

Yes and no . . .

Before the child is born, if an unwed mother chooses to have an abortion, the father of the child cannot stop her. He has no rights to her body if he is not her husband. Even if he says, "I want to raise the baby myself", he cannot force her to go through the pregnancy and delivery.

She can leave him off the birth certificate, if she chooses. (Of course, that also means that she's foregoing child support, but many girls think that Welfare is more of a sure-thing than child support from a teenager who has no job.) He can later demand a paternity test and have himself added to the birth certificate -- even against her wishes -- but that requires money, effort, and legal action. And it would never endear him to the mother and her family.

However, once the child arrives -- assuming no abuse, etc. -- if he's on the birth certificate as the father, he does have equal rights to the child.

 

[RitaE]

I think it is a question every parent struggles with and hopes they never have to face. People think the mothers of boys have it easier in this regards but one thing I always like to point out -- I COULDN'T TAKE MY BOYS TO THE DOCTOR AND PUT THEM ON THE PILL.

I have my opinions and preferences on abortion, adoption and all those issues. I don't think I have it in me to raise grandchildren.

But one thing I'm quite sure of is that I would never in a zillion years emotionally and physically sever ties with my children because I didn't agree with how they were handling a pregnancy crises.

I hope they know that my love isn't so conditional that they can't depend on me even during the bad times when I'm really upset with them and don't agree with their decisions.

 

[MrsPete]

I think that keeping a child, solely because it is "flesh and blood", and denying it the chance to have a life with a loving family who desperately want a child, can be incredibly selfish.

I agree.

For those who are so adamantly against "giving away your grandchild", consider the other side of the coin. Suppose your daughter was unable to have her own children, and she adopted. By your logic, you wouldn't really love that child who isn't your own "flesh and blood". Even though you might be involved in that child's life even before his birth, you'd never have that "flesh and blood" connection. I can't buy that.

Deciding to raise a child for whom you weren't prepared, putting your daughter into a situation that will be life-changing, putting your daughter into a situation that she can't fully grasp . . . simply because you share a gene pool doesn't make sense to me. Not when good parents are out there begging for infants.

 

[SaraJayne]

I think it is a question every parent struggles with and hopes they never have to face. People think the mothers of boys have it easier in this regards but one thing I always like to point out -- I COULDN'T TAKE MY BOYS TO THE DOCTOR AND PUT THEM ON THE PILL.

I have my opinions and preferences on abortion, adoption and all those issues. I don't think I have it in me to raise grandchildren.

But one thing I'm quite sure of is that I would never in a zillion years emotionally and physically sever ties with my children because I didn't agree with how they were handling a pregnancy crises.

I hope they know that my love isn't so conditional that they can't depend on me even during the bad times when I'm really upset with them and don't agree with their decisions.

A-freakin' MEN.

 

[Acklander]

We're Family, and we pull together when there are problems. If I was in the situation, I would go over all the options with my teen, but ultimately the responsibilities and decisions are with the pregnant mom. While I would be willing to help out to the best of my ability, I would make it clear that the responsibilities lie with the mom.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

We're Family, and we pull together when there are problems. If I was in the situation, I would go over all the options with my teen, but ultimately the responsibilities and decisions are with the pregnant mom. While I would be willing to help out to the best of my ability, I would make it clear that the responsibilities lie with the mom.

 

[MrsPete]

And abortion isn't the neat little way to get rid of a problem that you seem to think.

Absolutely! I know a number of women who are still haunted by a choice they made years ago. Even if they firmly believe they made the right decision, they still have unresolved issues about having done it.

The only right choice is to AVOID the problem altogether, and fortunately that is very easy.

 

[okeydokey]

Okeydokey, perhaps that's because you seem to be reading more into what I said than I meant.

- I would not cut my children off. That, to me, implies that I cease providing for them and supporting them financially. I wouldn't do that.
- I would not alter my relationship out of "spite." The relationship is altered by the scenario in question (my 15yo gets pregnant and makes sure the child is adopted out of the family), that scenario would hurt me extremely deeply and I would be very preoccupied with my own hurt. I would lose all trust and faith in the daughter, I would think of it as a betrayal and a vote of no confidence in both my mothering and our whole family. My avoidance would be out of hurt, shame (of myself, because I was that child at one point and I have failed as a grandmother and mother by the time this comes up), disappointment... I'm sure I could go on. I would be wounded, unable to look after her feelings at that point, and frankly uninterested.
- "Throw away her child?" In the context of this conversation, that's ridiculous.

I can say with certainty that there is nothing else I know of that would prompt me to totally withdraw from my child.

I think it's because you said:

"I wouldn't see it as very generous if my daughters decided to give away a grandchild of mine in spite of my willingness to raise the child myself to keep them in the family. In fact, it would end my relationship with my child. "


I know you are speaking from your personal experience, and I hope you can find some peace about your childhood. But your daughter is your family, your own daughter. I don't think you would actually totally withdraw from your daughter, but maybe you would. It would be a shame if you did.

 

[jen0610]

Her rights as the mother of that child supersede your rights as a grandparent in every way. If my child chose not to have to live her life seeing her child raised within in the family and chose to place the child elsewhere, then she is not seeing that choice as a mistake, and the choice is HERS to make.

As an adoptee that is married to an adoptee that was kept in the family, I can truely say, that I am sooo very glad that I was adopted by complete and total strangers to my birth parents.

The array of emotions that I have seen DH go thru, I wouldn't want to - possibly - ever put another child through it.

 

[Acklander]

Absolutely! I know a number of women who are still haunted by a choice they made years ago. Even if they firmly believe they made the right decision, they still have unresolved issues about having done it.

The only right choice is to AVOID the problem altogether, and fortunately that is very easy.

No matter what choice - adoption, abortion, keeping the baby - there are going to be unresolved issues and 2nd guessing. A pregnant 15 year old is going to be a life altering event. No matter what decision, it's going to present challenges. And while the right choice would be to refrain from having sex or using protection if sexually active, that isn't the situation at hand, so it's a moot point.

 

[Heidict]

Sorry but if its truly her decision, and she is responsible enough to become a parent at 15 then there is no "forcing" them by taking away other options since someone who is ready to be a parent certainly should be ready for those other options. Having to support yourself and your own child is part of the responsibilty of being a parent. If you can't handle it, then you aren't ready to be a parent and that leaves you with the choice of abortion, or adoption.

By saying this though, you are saying that you will only support your child if they make the decisions you want them to make. They wanna keep the baby? Then get the heck out of my home. What 15 year old pregnant girl could do that? She sure wouldn't be able to find legal full time work to pay the bills, would she? I also don't know of any landlords that would rent to a 15 year old jobless pregnant girl.

So, yes, you are forcing her hand. By taking away your support, you are forcing her to make the decision you want her to make.

Absolutely! I know a number of women who are still haunted by a choice they made years ago. Even if they firmly believe they made the right decision, they still have unresolved issues about having done it.

The only right choice is to AVOID the problem altogether, and fortunately that is very easy.

I have a few friends that are just like this. They said that after they got married and had a child it really hit hard. Made them realize what they did on a whole new level. It's a heartbreak that they will feel for the rest of their lives.