What would you do if your teen daughter became pregnant???

[AnaheimGirl]

I know many women who have had abortions and did not regret it. I know a couple of girls who gave their babies up for adoption and did regret it. They got pregnat again with in a year and kept the baby. I know a woman who went on to have 8 children after having given up her first for adoption and still talked about the pain of that and regretted that she did not keep her daughter.

I would not pressure my daughter, but I would encourage it. I would not imply that she would be disowned, abandoned or not loved anymore if she chose not have an abortion, but I would tell her I thought it was the best option.

I agree. I know quite a few women who have had abortions, and only one regretted it. It was pretty obvious from the get-go that she would, but she didn't feel she had any other choice. I tried to discourage her from doing it, because I could tell the decision was tearing her apart.

On the other hand, every birthmother I've discussed this with, has grieved for and wondered about her child for a long, long, time. I've even talked to some pro-life birthmothers who aborted a subsequent unplanned pregnancy, because the heartache of placing the child for adoption was so great.

 

[Floydian]

Before or after I castrated every boy she's ever known?

Ok, just kidding. All I can say for sure is that I'd spend a lot of time talking to her, making sure she knew of every option she had, and of the possible consequences of each choice. Then, I'd sit down with the father and his family to do the same thing, not to lecture, but to make sure the father knows how this situation and these choices might affect the woman (my daughter) that is carrying his child. Then, I'd let my daughter (hopefully with the agreement and support of the father) tell me what she/they have decided to do, what their expectations are, what their plans are, how they expect to deal with whatever the consequences will be. Lastly, I would do everything in my power to make sure that decision has the best possible results.

Yes, I'd support my daughter keeping the child, or giving it up for adoption, or having an abortion. It's her life and her body, and therefore it's her decision.

What I will not do, or at least will try very hard not to do, is I will not impose my personal beliefs and my personal hang-ups on her. Heck, even if I know that her decision would be totally wrong for me, it's still not my decision to make.

 

[Hershey]

May I ask, have any of you who would "strongly encourage" abortion as an option, ever actually had an abortion? Now, I know that is an extremely personal question, and I don't expect an answer really. That's your business. My point is you can't possibly know the repercussions of having one unless you've lived it. Safe and legal, I agree but not undamaging.

Believe me, I am completely pro-choice. I have no issue with anyone who wants to avail themselves of this option. My opinion of them would not change one bit. But I would want to be honest about what happens after...it isn't just a magical fix that makes it "like it never happened". I used to think it was, and I'm sure most teens think it is, but it's not. And while it is a valid option, it carries as much baggage as the other options, believe me.

 

[Froggyswife]

With love and tears.

 

[DVC Sadie]

How can you say that it will never last?
DH and I got married 10 years ago, got engaged 12 years ago when I was pregnant with DS. We were 16 and 18 when we got engaged, 18 and 20 when we got married and are still going strong ten years later. I can´t imagine we will ever split up, but if we ever do, I can´t imagine it being because we got together this young.

Freyja, I think you are truly the exception and not the rule. Most 16 year old moms don't have the babies father in their lives at all let alone stay and get married. I am glad to read your story after seeing so many teenagers who are in the situation you described but without being married, have parental support or able to finish their education. Good for you and your family but it simply isn't the "norm".

 

[chobie]

May I ask, have any of you who would "strongly encourage" abortion as an option, ever actually had an abortion? Now, I know that is an extremely personal question, and I don't expect an answer really. That's your business. My point is you can't possibly know the repercussions of having one unless you've lived it. Safe and legal, I agree but not undamaging.

Believe me, I am completely pro-choice. I have no issue with anyone who wants to avail themselves of this option. My opinion of them would not change one bit. But I would want to be honest about what happens after...it isn't just a magical fix that makes it "like it never happened". I used to think it was, and I'm sure most teens think it is, but it's not. And while it is a valid option, it carries as much baggage as the other options, believe me.

Fair enough question, but I would not encourage anyone to admit such a personal thing here on the Dis.

You are right, that it does come with baggage and physical pain, but I would disagree based on the several friends I have who have had abortions, that it has as much baggage as the other options. I think that would only come into play if the girl was coerced into it and made to feel like she had no other decision or if she had one despite being raised to beleive that will go to hell for the decision.

 

[vivilasvegas]

May I ask, have any of you who would "strongly encourage" abortion as an option, ever actually had an abortion? Now, I know that is an extremely personal question, and I don't expect an answer really. That's your business. My point is you can't possibly know the repercussions of having one unless you've lived it. Safe and legal, I agree but not undamaging.

Believe me, I am completely pro-choice. I have no issue with anyone who wants to avail themselves of this option. My opinion of them would not change one bit. But I would want to be honest about what happens after...it isn't just a magical fix that makes it "like it never happened". I used to think it was, and I'm sure most teens think it is, but it's not. And while it is a valid option, it carries as much baggage as the other options, believe me.

You know, each person's experience is different. I've worked places and known people who've had them. Most of the women I've been in contact with did not have damaging emotional reactions.
That usually only happens when you believe life begins at conception (for most women). That makes it a much harder decision.

The women I know went on to lead normal, happy lives after a bit of time.

 

[robinb]

Posting without reading what others have said ...

My DD is only 6 and I hope to never have to face having a pregnant teenager. I think I would be angry, hurt and disappointed that she was so reckless. I would feel that she failed me. I would feel that I failed her too. I didn't keep her safe. I didn't help her make it through the difficult teenage years properly. I wasn't there for her somehow. It's my fault. It's her fault. It's the boy's fault. I would cry and then I would pick myself up, "face the music" and try to be the best parent for my teen in trouble that I could be.

I hope that I would have already had more than one frank discussion about unsafe sex. I would make sure that she had methods to protect herself from disease and pregnancy. I would talk to her about the importance of going to college and making a good life before having children. But obviously that advise didn't take . We would then have several discussions about her options: abortion, adoption and keeping the baby. I would support her on whatever choice she made.

 

[chobie]

May I ask, have any of you who would "strongly encourage" abortion as an option, ever actually had an abortion? Now, I know that is an extremely personal question, and I don't expect an answer really. That's your business. My point is you can't possibly know the repercussions of having one unless you've lived it. Safe and legal, I agree but not undamaging.

Believe me, I am completely pro-choice. I have no issue with anyone who wants to avail themselves of this option. My opinion of them would not change one bit. But I would want to be honest about what happens after...it isn't just a magical fix that makes it "like it never happened". I used to think it was, and I'm sure most teens think it is, but it's not. And while it is a valid option, it carries as much baggage as the other options, believe me.

After answering this post it occurred to me that it was odd that your first post would be asking some women on this thread to tell you if they had an abortion. You may claim to be pro-choice, but for a first post to ask something like makes you seem a bit troll-like.

 

[Pigeon]

Safe and legal, I agree but not undamaging.

Unfortunately, none of the options someone with an unwanted pregnancy faces are undamaging. Termination, adoption and raising the child as a teenager can all be damaging one way or another. That's why it's so important to have a choice in the matter.

 

[NMAmy]

When she tells me she wants to know more. She isn't ready right now. Right now she thinks boys are gross. In her class picture she is turned sideways, stuck between 2 boys and she is leaning waay over trying to not touch them. She said the boy on her right picked a bugger from his nose right before the picture and trust me, she is NOT smiling in that photo I ask her every so often if things are changing and she wants to know more about the difference between boys and girls and she says no. I then remind her when she has questions to come to me, and I will give her an honest answer. She is ok with that.

You know, I seriously think this is the BEST time to talk to girls about sex. As my dd got older, I've become dumber in her mind. Well, not all the time but some of the time. But I know she already knows all this stuff--and it's become part of her mindset because we talked about it when she was still young enough to believe that mommy knew everything--and when it was something she didn't ever think she'd want to participate in. And since we were comfortable discussing it and started the discussions at a young age, she still comes to me with questions now that she's 15 because to her, it's just another subject we discuss occasionally and not a big deal.

I hope you don't think I'm picking on you at all, FionaLovesShrek, I just wanted to point out another way of thinking about it.

 

[susan514]

Been there, done that, TWICE. It sure sounds like my 2 DD's don't have a clue with birth control, doesn't it? In fact, both have had major issues with the pill, so neither could be on it. And, accidents do happen, I know personally a couple, both doctors, have a ooops baby.

Younger DD was 19, having dated her BF for 8 months. There was an offer of marriage, not seriously taken. DD decided on abortion, which DH, BF and I took her to and supported her in. There were lots of tears and it was an emotional time, but everyone was on the same page, including BF parents. Any regrets, no way. Today, DD is 24, will be getting her Master degree in Clincal pyschology in 4 months and is engaged to be married to the guy who got her pregnant, having now dated 5 years. They are both so much more mature and each are fufilling their dreams. They look forward in having a family and now feel much better able to handle it.

Older DD was a different story, yet with a happy ending. She was not a teen, 25 at the time. She was applying to graduate schools and became pregnant. The BF was not interested in marriage and wanted her to have an abortion. She said that she was thinking of keeping the baby. Understand, DD is brillant but not the most logical person. DH and I realized that we would be raising the child. She did eventually have an abortion, after 2 weeks of screaming, yelling and crying. Again, DH, BF and me took her to the clinic. We were very prepared for her to resent us for a long time but DH and I knew her, and knew this was for the best. Today, she is finishing up her classes for her PHd and will be traveling for a year in Europe to do the research for her thesis. The BF left right after the abortion and DD is very glad not to be with him.

It is very nice to look back and know that we made it through all of this, and DDs are both in good places at this time and we all survived. DH and I would have raised and supported the babies but I think each case must be looked at on an individual basis.

 

[AnaheimGirl]

May I ask, have any of you who would "strongly encourage" abortion as an option, ever actually had an abortion? Now, I know that is an extremely personal question, and I don't expect an answer really. That's your business. My point is you can't possibly know the repercussions of having one unless you've lived it. Safe and legal, I agree but not undamaging.

Believe me, I am completely pro-choice. I have no issue with anyone who wants to avail themselves of this option. My opinion of them would not change one bit. But I would want to be honest about what happens after...it isn't just a magical fix that makes it "like it never happened". I used to think it was, and I'm sure most teens think it is, but it's not. And while it is a valid option, it carries as much baggage as the other options, believe me.

I disagree that it carries as much baggage as the other options, but still, I'm not one to "strongly encourage" it, because I think it's an intensely personal decision. I think any woman who does not come to the decision entirely of her own free will, understanding exactly what it entails, may be more likely to regret it, as did the friend that I mentioned previously.

And like Chobie, I'm puzzled by such a personal question coming from someone's first post on a public forum. I'm guessing you're a regular who is hiding behind a new user name to ask the question. So why do you think anyone here, posting under their real user names, would want to answer?

 

[minkydog]

I´m not sure this would be a very wise thing to do. Why should you get up with the baby? If they decide to have the baby they should also care for it in every way they can. Getting up with the baby is the least they can do.

It would depend on the circumstances, I think. If my 16yo DD was trying to stay in school and raise her baby, I would help her all I could to acheive that. If she were out of school, not working, etc, then I figure she could get up with that baby the same as i did.

My point is, you don't really know what you'll do when that time comes. We think we do, but until you're faced with it you don't really know how you'll react. I would hope our family would rise to the occasion.

 

[jaimee1024]

I would completely support her. While I certainly hope that my daughter won't be in a sexual relationship at 16, if she is and she gets pregnant then I will be there for her. I will likely encourage her to keep the baby and I will help her raise the child so that she can finish school and college and have the ability to give the child a decent life. I would not encourage marriage at such a young age, but my hope would be that if she was having sex with someone that it would be someone she loves and hopefully they will be able to maintain a relationship and both be there for the child.

 

[robinb]

I'd strongly encourage her to have an abortion, but I'd support and accept whatever decision she made.

Me too. I would explain all the options, but I would encourage an abortion.

 

[nkjzmom]

On the other hand, every birthmother I've discussed this with, has grieved for and wondered about her child for a long, long, time. I've even talked to some pro-life birthmothers who aborted a subsequent unplanned pregnancy, because the heartache of placing the child for adoption was so great.

I'm sorry you've met so many unhappy birthmothers. I'm a birthmother. The son I placed for adoption will turn 15 this November. It is a semi-open adoption meaning we can exchange letters but have never met. I chose his family. I've not discussed this on the DIS because it was an extremely personal and prayerful decision for me. I placed my son just before my 18th birthday. I went on to college, married my wonderful DH, and have 5 beautiful children (the last of which was a surprise!). I think about my birthson daily...but not in a regretful manner at all.

As for my children I would encourage them to study all options and then pray about it. It may sound silly but that is what I would do.

 

[WeluvDisney2]

May I ask, have any of you who would "strongly encourage" abortion as an option, ever actually had an abortion? Now, I know that is an extremely personal question, and I don't expect an answer really. That's your business. My point is you can't possibly know the repercussions of having one unless you've lived it. Safe and legal, I agree but not undamaging.

Believe me, I am completely pro-choice. I have no issue with anyone who wants to avail themselves of this option. My opinion of them would not change one bit. But I would want to be honest about what happens after...it isn't just a magical fix that makes it "like it never happened". I used to think it was, and I'm sure most teens think it is, but it's not. And while it is a valid option, it carries as much baggage as the other options, believe me.

I agree, I expecially feel for the girls whose mothers, boyfriends etc. "recommend" abortion and the girl is not sure what to do so she takes the "recommendation" then regrets it because it is not what she really wanted.
I also agree that everything happens for a reason. I had my first daughter early. I was recently diagnosed with breast cancer and have been undergoing chemotherapy which can damage your eggs. If I had not had her early, I would probably not have been done having my children when I was diagnosed. Just remember, some things are a blessing in disguise.

 

[Microcell]

I have an almost 18 yr old, a 16 yr old and a 13 yr old...all girls....and I can honestly say that I have no clue waht I would do if that happened to one of them. I would be so dissappointed of colurse, but how I would react to the news....who knows. My husband would be livid though.

Basically at this time in their lives I am hoping that all of our talks and openess that we have have had over the years helps them to make the right decisions about what to do. Which means that if they decide to have sex (which I hope they don't) that they take all the precautions not only to prevent pregnancy, but also disease.

ITA


I would very much encourage adoption as well. A child deserves a two parent home and parents that are grown ups too.

I am planning on giving my DD a promise ring when she turns 12 or 13 and we will discuss the idea of promising herself not to get into situations where she might get in over her head. I sure hope it works.

 

[FionaLovesShrek]

You know, I seriously think this is the BEST time to talk to girls about sex. As my dd got older, I've become dumber in her mind. Well, not all the time but some of the time. But I know she already knows all this stuff--and it's become part of her mindset because we talked about it when she was still young enough to believe that mommy knew everything--and when it was something she didn't ever think she'd want to participate in. And since we were comfortable discussing it and started the discussions at a young age, she still comes to me with questions now that she's 15 because to her, it's just another subject we discuss occasionally and not a big deal.

I hope you don't think I'm picking on you at all, FionaLovesShrek, I just wanted to point out another way of thinking about it.

Not at all. She knows that boys have different body parts and with those particular body parts, girls become pregnant. She knows starting her period means she becomes able to have a baby. I've already discussed as much as possible without giving descriptive details of how it happens. I just don't think my particular 9 y/o is ready for brain pictures. We live in a very small family community where 90 percent of the families attend church. DD thinks darn is a curse word As soon as she shows any interest in a boy or simply asks more questions, we will get more detailed in her education.