What would you do if your child's friend.....(sorry long)

[Tigger&Belle]

Just a thought, but they were acting awfully suspicious not letting you in like that -- is it possible they were spraying body spray to cover up the smell of something they were smoking?

My thought exactly! There are reasons that a child doesn't want an adult in a room. I mean speaking hypothetically, of course. I also would not let the child back into the house unless I felt that there were some serious changes with that girl, apology or not. And I would not allow my child to hang out with her.

 

[bananiem]

My whole goal is to have DD seperate from her as much as possible. The only poblem is they have the same circle of friends, they are in many of the same activities at school, we car pool, and then there is the point we are neighbors, to top it off we are going to Disney together at the end of the month .

I truely feel sorry for this girl and her family. I can only imagine how hard it is for her to deal with her problems, and to top it all off add the whole addolesent thing. I don't think the parents know what to do with her.

My dd is very upset by what she did, however she felt bad after telling this girl that she couldn't be friends with her. She ended up trying to tell her they could still be friends, that she was a good person, etc...

If you let the friendship continue you are taking a part in the enabling in my opinion. SOMEBODY has to show this child that her behavior is out of line. I agree with Aidensmom that you can tell her you forgive her for her lapse in judgment but she is no longer welcome in your home until she can prove herself worthy.
Going to Disney together? Unless you're riding in the car together and sharing a hotel room you don't have to socialize. It would be hrad since you're neighbors but I'd flat out tell them that until you see a change in her behavior, it hurts your friendship as well. Tell them you can't stand by and watch their daughter not get help. Maybe it'll wake them up.

 

[ckay87]

Na, they weren't smoking or you would have smelled body spray AND smoke.

 

[VSL]

Me, when reading the OP:

 

[luvdzne]

Na, they weren't smoking or you would have smelled body spray AND smoke.

Again, they weren't smoking or doing anything like that. They wouldn't let me in because they could not hear "me" over the loud music. (That doesn't make it right they wouldn't open up for DD) Besides I have a nose like a bloodhound, I would be able to pick up the smell.

I also have to add that it is hard to tell someone else how or how not to raise their child. That is a very fine line. I do plan on talking to both the girl and her mother and telling them that I do accept the appoligy, however, with the events that have taken place I feel it necessesary to limit the girls time together. As the behavior is not tollerated in my home. I have to leave the contact outside of my home up to dd and hope she makes wise choices as like I said they have mutual friends and activities.

I hope that somehow they get the help and support for the child. She is really a wonderful child when she is not having her outbursts. The parents are also very nice people. Very friendly, helpful and kind! I do plan on being there to support them as they need. I do however feel it necessary to protect my dd's well being at the same time.

 

[diskids2]

First for having to deal with this in the first place.

Second: IMHO, they were disrespecting your DD by not opening the door - lack of manners, etc. She disrespected you even more by throwing something and then by using foul language.

You spoke to the parents. You voiced your opinion. You cannot control how they raise their daughter, but you can certainly control how your raise yours.

I agree with many of the other posters and I would NOT under any circumstances allow her in your home until she became trustworthy again. The definition of trustworthy is for your and your family to decide.

 

[SC Minnie]

DD will be 12 this summer. We have a next door girl that in some ways is similar to yours (has never cussed at me but does lie quite often).

If this happened in my house this child would not be welcome anymore. DD would not be allowed at their house either.

Sounds like your daughter tried herself to distance from this girl. She shouldn't be forced to play with a someone that is mean to her and is disrepectful to her and her mother. With your daughter making her own decision about not being the girls friend anymore says a lot about the values you are instilling in her. Good job. The girls can be acquantances but don't have to be over every afternoon type of friends. If she shows in the future she has changed then thats another story. This girl needs to learn you can't treat people like that and everything be OK. The real world doesn't work that way.

 

[RitaZ.]

I would tell the child that she is indeed forgiven, but that because of her past behavior, you cannot have her at your house anymore. Forgiving someone does not mean that you have to pretend nothing happened or that there should be no consequences to behavior.

Precisely!

Personally, I wouldn't allow that girl in my house again. People usually are more guarded in public, I wonder what she is like at home with her parents? It's hard enough to raise children/teens, you don't need her negative influence on your kids.

 

[Tink33]

I do plan on talking to both the girl and her mother and telling them that I do accept the appoligy, however, with the events that have taken place I feel it necessesary to limit the girls time together. As the behavior is not tollerated in my home. I have to leave the contact outside of my home up to dd and hope she makes wise choices as like I said they have mutual friends and activities.

I would do the same. I would also talk about the respect a child should have toward an adult.

 

[mookie]

Na, they weren't smoking or you would have smelled body spray AND smoke.

I agree, it's hard to cover up with just body spray.

With that said, there is no way that I would let my DD hang out with someone so disrespectful. I can't believe that the other mother didn't act more upset. This must be something she deals with often, but might not want to admit it. Not only would my dd be grounded if she ever did that, but she'd be making cookies and apologizing in person to the mother AND her friend for acting so out of line. I think this mothers reaction and not taking it as seriously as it should have been sends a message to the child that this is not that big of a deal.

Either way, my dd would not be hanging out with someone like that.

 

[budbeerlady]

Just a thought, but they were acting awfully suspicious not letting you in like that -- is it possible they were spraying body spray to cover up the smell of something they were smoking?

This was my first thought!!!!! Plus the DD wasnt in there and said to stop it? Smoking something!

 

[Imzadi]

Take the lock off of DD's door. It's simple to buy & install a new door knob.

I agree that if you simply accept the apology, it is enabling. Many adult abusers get away with consistant abuse by apologizing AFTERWARDS and the people they've abused let them get away with it. It's a bad cycle: Abuse -> Apology -> All is forgiven -> Abuse -> ...

The mother is already enabling by pretending nothing happened. Are you going to do this too? It's called "The elephant in the room no one will talk about." This 12 year old has anger management & control issues. It will just get worse over time. Your DD & her friend are right to separate themselves from her. They've learned a powerful lesson on choosing who they want around.