What would you do? Help needed

[Caradana]

To broaden the conversation a bit - I don't think I would necessarily leave my husband over infertility - that decision is unique to every marriage - but I can say that I absolutely would leave a man who demonstrated so much rigidity. A man who puts his contrived views on faith and his refusal to explore treatments, despite my strong feelings, doesn't belong in my bed or in my heart. Honestly.

 

[Scurvy]

But she knew going into the marriage that he was against IVF, and at the time, she was too. She is only okay with it now because she's been told she needs it to get pregnant.

I guess I can't imagine leaving my husband because of something that was out of his control. Unless, of course, there was something else going on.

I am glad that my DH didn't feel that way and leave me when I had multiple miscarriages.

I agree with you. However, we don't know that their only options are having a child naturally or having IVF. There are other possibilities - adoption or her husband possibly having something done to "fix" whatever might be wrong with him. We don't know if he's willing to seriously attempt either of those options. Those are things he can control, and if he isn't willing to explore them then I can see why the OP might consider leaving.

 

[december]

And since we can't do religious discussions here on the DIS, I would recommend that if you are that interested in finding out the answers to your questions about Catholicism, that you do a google search.

Hmmm....I thought the rule was against religious debate. I definitely don't want to get the thread locked, so just overlook my question!

Regardless, I don't think this is about the OP leaving her dh for being infertile. It is about him being unwilling to compromise. It may be that this is totally based on his faith, but I wonder as others have on this thread if that is all there is to it. It is up to the OP to decide if she can live with that or not.

 

[nuke]

To broaden the conversation a bit - I don't think I would necessarily leave my husband over infertility - that decision is unique to every marriage - but I can say that I absolutely would leave a man who demonstrated so much rigidity. A man who puts his contrived views on faith and his refusal to explore treatments, despite my strong feelings, doesn't belong in my bed or in my heart. Honestly.

But you probably wouldn't have married a man that had strong religious convictions to begin with. His "contrived views on faith" are his and she knew them before they entered into marriage. In fact she agreed with them before the diagnosis.

 

[lil mermaid]

I agree with you. However, we don't know that their only options are having a child naturally or having IVF. There are other possibilities - adoption or her husband possibly having something done to "fix" whatever might be wrong with him. We don't know if he's willing to seriously attempt either of those options. Those are things he can control, and if he isn't willing to explore them then I can see why the OP might consider leaving.

I might be wrong, but I think that the OP said that IVF was the only way she could get pregnant. You are correct though, that we don't know if the husband is willing to pursue other avenues. We really only have the information that the OP has given us.

We also don't know if the OP is willing to seriously explore adoption - it seems that if she was, she wouldn't have the mistaken idea that her husband is at the age cutoff. She would have researched the topic, it seems.

 

[Disney Doll]

OP, I would recommend a few avenues, with the assumption that your DH is on board with the idea of oyu and he having a child:

1. Speak to your parish priest about what assisted reproduction techniques are allowed by the Catholic Church. I think there are a couple.

2. Do some research with your DH on adoption regulations. They may be different in different countries etc., so the age limit thing may not affect you as much if you are adopting from Russia as it does when adopting in the USA.

3. Speak to a counselor. I think there are other things below the surface here & I think you need to sort them out.

4. Don't make any rash decisions.

5. Request that DH see an MD who specializes in male reproductive issues. Perhaps if the problem lies with him, there is something that can be done to improve the odds. If he's already seen one, request another visit with him to discuss alternatives or request a 2nd opinion.

Nothing you have posted has made me think your DH is hatching some sinister plot to keep you from having children. But, as you have stated, it is also not as imperative for him since he has 2 children, to "work" for more children. Then the issue becomes "what is he willing to do to make you happy and what are you willing to request that eh do to make you happy?". Only you guys can answer that.

 

[OceanAnnie]

What has happened over the last 7 years in regards to you two starting a family of your own? Was there a plan? I'm guessing there was. How did the infertility come to light now after so much time?

I agree with DisneyMarie, in her statement that life is strange sometimes. I think it would be unwise to turn a blind eye to any and all possibilities.

 

[december]

And since we can't do religious discussions here on the DIS, I would recommend that if you are that interested in finding out the answers to your questions about Catholicism, that you do a google search.

I took your suggestion and googled it, and found that there are opposing viewpoints on adopting an embryo within the Catholic Church. I won't go into specifics here since it would be a religious discussion. OP, this might be something you could research and discuss with your priest. One article I found was written by a priest, and he sees this the same way he sees adopting an existing child.

I really hope you and your dh can work this out.

 

[TAKitty]

But you probably wouldn't have married a man that had strong religious convictions to begin with. His "contrived views on faith" are his and she knew them before they entered into marriage. In fact she agreed with them before the diagnosis.

I was actually shocked that he was against IVF. He is Catholic but not in every way, and I didn't know the stance of the church. I feel like I have given up everything, and he doesn't have to. It is hard on all these issues. It is hard for me to understand how he could father two children. When we got married the youngest was five. I was with him for three years prior to marriage.

I really believe I would feel differently if he didn't have kids already and we together found out that we together wouldn't have a family. It is hard for me because it feels one sided.

There were years when he was "against" having kids because of life issues. I hung in. I hung in when his ex pulled us through court two times and cost us thousands. I feel I have hung in for a lot and this last piece of information really hurts.

I have looked into adoption. I have tried to research other options, but it all lies on me. We have tried IUI five times because the church does approve of this. The doctors are against it because our success rate will be about zero, but at least I feel like we are trying something.

The fertility issues came to light a year ago July. We had been trying off and on for several years but I had no reason to believe I wouldn't get pregnant. We have gone through all the medical tests and I am fine. The doctors have pinpointed him as the issue.

 

[Disney Doll]

Hmmm....I thought the rule was against religious debate. I definitely don't want to get the thread locked, so just overlook my question!

Regardless, I don't think this is about the OP leaving her dh for being infertile. It is about him being unwilling to compromise. It may be that this is totally based on his faith, but I wonder as others have on this thread if that is all there is to it. It is up to the OP to decide if she can live with that or not.

Perhaps I missed it, but I did not read where he has been unwilling to compromise. I also did not read where he is unwilling to try to work out something. I read that his religious beliefs (of which she was aware prior to their marriage) do not allow his participation in IVF. I read where she had researched adoption info and came up with age 40 as a cut off age. I read other posters who gave her different information regarding that cut off age. I read about posters who suggested fostering with the option fo rit to lead to adoption. I read that he feels sad that she may not be able to have kids. I read that he states that he did not have a vasectomy. I read that the MD said that his low sperm count may be due to an injury. I read that he does not recall an injury. I read that she may have been considering her husband a "means to an end".

Now perhaps those of you who are reading unwilling to compromise are making the assumption that since he is unwilling to compromise his religious beliefs by having IVF that eh is unwilling to compromise at all. Some of you are clealry making the assumption that religious beliefs are "contrived" because they may not be YOUR beliefs and therefore you don't understand how anyone's religious beliefs could hold so much sway in their life. Up until she was told that she could not have children without doing an IVF, the OP states that she held those same religious beliefs, so I am sure she understands them quite well.

There is a lot of speculation going on as far as the DH. But that's what it is...speculation...

 

[TAKitty]

We also don't know if the OP is willing to seriously explore adoption - it seems that if she was, she wouldn't have the mistaken idea that her husband is at the age cutoff. She would have researched the topic, it seems.

I have the paperwork from Bethany, an adoption agency in my area. I was looking at international adoption and this is where I saw the age limits (early 40s). I wanted an infant. I am sure that for older children things are different. I'm sure things vary by agency.

 

[nuke]

I knew he was very Catholic when we married but he had two kids and I was young and healthy, I certainly didn't think I would ever have to consider IVF. In fact, I always said that I would never play god and have IVF, but that was before the doctors said it was our only hope.

This thread has helped me see that I have looked at my husband as a means to an end and that isn't fair to him.

I hate to nitpik but this is what you said earlier in the thread. Now you're saying he isn't very Catholic?

 

[OceanAnnie]

I was actually shocked that he was against IVF. He is Catholic but not in every way, and I didn't know the stance of the church. I feel like I have given up everything, and he doesn't have to. It is hard on all these issues. It is hard for me to understand how he could father two children. When we got married the youngest was five. I was with him for three years prior to marriage.

I really believe I would feel differently if he didn't have kids already and we together found out that we together wouldn't have a family. It is hard for me because it feels one sided.

There were years when he was "against" having kids because of life issues. I hung in. I hung in when his ex pulled us through court two times and cost us thousands. I feel I have hung in for a lot and this last piece of information really hurts.

I have looked into adoption. I have tried to research other options, but it all lies on me. We have tried IUI five times because the church does approve of this. The doctors are against it because our success rate will be about zero, but at least I feel like we are trying something.

The fertility issues came to light a year ago July. We had been trying off and on for several years but I had no reason to believe I wouldn't get pregnant. We have gone through all the medical tests and I am fine. The doctors have pinpointed him as the issue.

I think the bolded sentences are revealing. It appears to me that your DH is unwilling to help because of what you have shared on this thread, between the lines. And now here with, it all lies with you. That says a lot. It is something you should be facing together. His telling you he is not sad that he can't have children with you, knowing it breaks your heart seems cruel to me. His telling you he is sad for you, just seems like him saying, "I got mine. I'm okay.".

You were shocked by his stance on IVF because he isn't Catholic in every way. It probably felt like a sucker punch.

I'd have a hard time with all of this.

It sounds like having a baby is your dream, not his. I'd be questioning if he ever really wanted or intended to have a child with you. How can he not be sad for the family he won't have with you? It was a plan you two had together, if he was invested it stands to reason he would have feelings about it. The lack of feelings on the matter coupled with the feelings that it's all on you would bother the heck out of me. To be all alone with that kind of pain has to be a lot to bear.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I was actually shocked that he was against IVF. He is Catholic but not in every way, and I didn't know the stance of the church. I feel like I have given up everything, and he doesn't have to. It is hard on all these issues. It is hard for me to understand how he could father two children. When we got married the youngest was five. I was with him for three years prior to marriage.

I really believe I would feel differently if he didn't have kids already and we together found out that we together wouldn't have a family. It is hard for me because it feels one sided.

There were years when he was "against" having kids because of life issues. I hung in. I hung in when his ex pulled us through court two times and cost us thousands. I feel I have hung in for a lot and this last piece of information really hurts.

I have looked into adoption. I have tried to research other options, but it all lies on me. We have tried IUI five times because the church does approve of this. The doctors are against it because our success rate will be about zero, but at least I feel like we are trying something.

The fertility issues came to light a year ago July. We had been trying off and on for several years but I had no reason to believe I wouldn't get pregnant. We have gone through all the medical tests and I am fine. The doctors have pinpointed him as the issue.

I'm sorry your husband doesn't seem to want children as much as you. Yes, I think it's very unfair of him. He had told you he wanted more children before you married him. It seems maybe he's changed his mind and unless he has many, very good reasons, I think he's definitely wrong.

I'm really sorry you have to go through this. I wish your husband could see things through your eyes. Do you two talk about it a lot? Does he understand where you're coming from? What does he say when you bring up adoption?

 

[december]

Perhaps I missed it, but I did not read where he has been unwilling to compromise. I also did not read where he is unwilling to try to work out something. I read that his religious beliefs (of which she was aware prior to their marriage) do not allow his participation in IVF. I read where she had researched adoption info and came up with age 40 as a cut off age. I read other posters who gave her different information regarding that cut off age. I read about posters who suggested fostering with the option fo rit to lead to adoption. I read that he feels sad that she may not be able to have kids. I read that he states that he did not have a vasectomy. I read that the MD said that his low sperm count may be due to an injury. I read that he does not recall an injury. I read that she may have been considering her husband a "means to an end".

Now perhaps those of you who are reading unwilling to compromise are making the assumption that since he is unwilling to compromise his religious beliefs by having IVF that eh is unwilling to compromise at all. Some of you are clealry making the assumption that religious beliefs are "contrived" because they may not be YOUR beliefs and therefore you don't understand how anyone's religious beliefs could hold so much sway in their life. Up until she was told that she could not have children without doing an IVF, the OP states that she held those same religious beliefs, so I am sure she understands them quite well.

There is a lot of speculation going on as far as the DH. But that's what it is...speculation...

The OP asked "What would you do?" I answered that the only way I could, from a nonCatholic (not non-religious) point of view. And all we ever do on these threads is speculate. We'll never know the full story or the other side of the situation.

I had a friend who married a man who was very Pentecostal. Well, at least when it came to what she wore, not cutting her hair, no makeup, etc. Not so much when it came to his television and girlfriends. I personally believe that some people hide behind their religions when it suits them. I don't know if that is the case for the OP's dh, only she would have that info, but from her story it sounds like it could at least be a possibility.

 

[disykat]

Leaving your marriage is no guarantee you'll be able to have a child. You would be leaving your marriage (and the two step children you already have) for the possibility of a child.

This thread makes me really sad. I've never been in this situation, but I like to think "low sperm count" or "only willing to try IUI and not IVF" would not be dealbreakers.

If you leave your spouse, perhaps you might want to consider having a contractual agreement or pre-nup regarding fertility issues if you marry again since it is a dealbreaker for you?

 

[TAKitty]

I hate to nitpik but this is what you said earlier in the thread. Now you're saying he isn't very Catholic?

He is no saint. He didn't attend church every week when we were dating. He is very Catholic on the fertility issues. He is hardly a bible thumping in your face all law following Catholic, but he does hold some strong opinions on certain issues.

Do you two talk about it a lot? Does he understand where you're coming from? What does he say when you bring up adoption?

He says he understands how I must be feeling. I talk about it every day. I have been crying over it every day, hence the reason I called to speak to a counselor on Monday.

Of course we have other issues besides not having children. I am trying to decide when enough is enough.

 

[Mom2Nick]

I, woman, take you man, to be my husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part, unless you're infertile then all bets are off and these vows should be considered null and void. That should pretty much tell you what I think of all of this.

OP you have tried everything you can do. Your husband is unwilling to compromise his beliefs which you knew about and agreed with until it bit you in the rear. Even if he did give in there's no guarantee it would work at all. What if he caved and it failed? Would you still contemplate leaving him?!?!?!?! What if this was reversed and you were unable to conceive or carry a child and he decided to leave you?

I know your heart is probably making you think a little unclearly here - but is your marriage important to you or not? Does he make you happy? Do you love him? Are you excited to see him at the end of the day? Do you enjoy being married to him and being with him? Can you see being without him? THAT should decide if you stay with him - not if he can give you children.

 

[TAKitty]

Leaving your marriage is no guarantee you'll be able to have a child. You would be leaving your marriage (and the two step children you already have) for the possibility of a child.

This thread makes me really sad. I've never been in this situation, but I like to think "low sperm count" or "only willing to try IUI and not IVF" would not be dealbreakers.

If you leave your spouse, perhaps you might want to consider having a contractual agreement or pre-nup regarding fertility issues if you marry again since it is a dealbreaker for you?

You are right. Although the doctors believe based on my cycles and hormone levels etc. that I am 100 capable of having a child. Again, I envy you if you don't have that strong urge to have a child of your own, or you have forgotten what it would be like to spend your entire life without the joy of a child and grandchildren.

 

[Disney Doll]

OP, I wish you well. You are clearly conflicted and leaning toward ending your marriage as a means to achieve the end you seek, which is a child. You allude to some other issues with your husband as you continue making additional posts, so perhaps you chose the wrong man to marry. I hope counselling gives you the answers you want to hear.

Since this is going to very soon denigrate into a Catholc bashing thread and get itself closed, I will wish you the best of luck with your decisions and in the future....