What would you do? Help needed

[Lisa loves Pooh]

To broaden the conversation a bit - I don't think I would necessarily leave my husband over infertility - that decision is unique to every marriage - but I can say that I absolutely would leave a man who demonstrated so much rigidity. A man who puts his contrived views on faith and his refusal to explore treatments, despite my strong feelings, doesn't belong in my bed or in my heart. Honestly.

But it seems this rigidity was in the beginning.

And thus far OP seems to be misinformed about adoption ages.

It seems she is more concerned that a child come from her uterus than she is on mothering any child that God has directed her way.

To describe the views as "contrived" is unfair when he isn't here able to give his viewpoint on a woman who seemingly seems unconcerned with his feelings so long as she gets her way.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I have the paperwork from Bethany, an adoption agency in my area. I was looking at international adoption and this is where I saw the age limits (early 40s). I wanted an infant. I am sure that for older children things are different. I'm sure things vary by agency.

Have you tried Catholic Charities (or whatever it is called...)

I have friends who SUCCESSFULLY adopted--both are well over the age of 40. In fact the mother was 44/45 when she did adopt her daughter.

They were called when their baby girl was born. The mother hand selected them from their file which was included with others of possible matches from the agency.

I have read through this thread and as much as I want to have empathy for your position, I am struggling b/c things are not adding up to me. Beginning with this cut off age and your demands for an infant when there are services available to help you.

 

[lillygator]

op, sorry to hear about your mom and this too....

what did the dr's say was your husband's issue?

 

[Freyja]

Wow, how unbelievably rude some people are on this thread.

This isn´t about the OP possibly leaving her husband because he can´t have kids. This is about her possibly leaving him because he won´t do what it takes for them to try to have kids.

I love my husband with all my heart but I have also known since I was a little girl that I wanted to be a mother. If my husband could not have fathered a child naturally, I would have expected him to be willing to do anything else it might take for us to have children. If there would have been NO way for us to concieve a biological child, or for me to carry and give birth to a baby with the help of frozen sperm, I would have gone the adoption route. But not until I had tried absoloutly everything else.

I totally understand the OP´s urge to have her own children.

I also feel it is incredibly inconsiderate of her husband not to support his wife, when he has known her take on this from the beginning.

I wonder if he would have decided on IVF if he didn´t have any children on his own?

OP, I hope you find the answers you need, only you can find them in your heart. I also hope that what ever decision you make it will lead to a happy life for you. Wishing you all the best

 

[Freyja]

Wow, how unbelievably rude some people are on this thread.

This isn´t about the OP possibly leaving her husband because he can´t have kids. This is about her possibly leaving him because he won´t do what it takes for them to try to have kids.

I love my husband with all my heart but I have also known since I was a little girl that I wanted to be a mother. If my husband could not have fathered a child naturally, I would have expected him to be willing to do anything else it might take for us to have children. If there would have been NO way for us to concieve a biological child, or for me to carry and give birth to a baby with the help of frozen sperm, I would have gone the adoption route. But not until I had tried absoloutly everything else.

I totally understand the OP´s urge to have her own children.

I also feel it is incredibly inconsiderate of her husband not to support his wife, when he has known her take on this from the beginning.

I wonder if he would have decided on IVF if he didn´t have any children on his own?

OP, I hope you find the answers you need, only you can find them in your heart. I also hope that what ever decision you make it will lead to a happy life for you. Wishing you all the best

 

[OceanAnnie]

Wow, how unbelievably rude some people are on this thread.

This isn´t about the OP possibly leaving her husband because he can´t have kids. This is about her possibly leaving him because he won´t do what it takes for them to try to have kids.

I love my husband with all my heart but I have also known since I was a little girl that I wanted to be a mother. If my husband could not have fathered a child naturally, I would have expected him to be willing to do anything else it might take for us to have children. If there would have been NO way for us to concieve a biological child, or for me to carry and give birth to a baby with the help of frozen sperm, I would have gone the adoption route. But not until I had tried absoloutly everything else.

I totally understand the OP´s urge to have her own children.

I also feel it is incredibly inconsiderate of her husband not to support his wife, when he has known her take on this from the beginning.

I wonder if he would have decided on IVF if he didn´t have any children on his own?

OP, I hope you find the answers you need, only you can find them in your heart. I also hope that what ever decision you make it will lead to a happy life for you. Wishing you all the best

I agree 100%. The OP stated she is alone in seeking solutions.

 

[Freyja]

But it seems this rigidity was in the beginning.

And thus far OP seems to be misinformed about adoption ages.

It seems she is more concerned that a child come from her uterus than she is on mothering any child that God has directed her way.

To describe the views as "contrived" is unfair when he isn't here able to give his viewpoint on a woman who seemingly seems unconcerned with his feelings so long as she gets her way.

Believe it or not, for some people having a child has nothing to do with a God. What is wrong with wanting a biological child?
In my opinion, adoption is a beautiful thing. But it certainly isn´t for everyone and even if it is, adoption an older child isn´t something all adoptive parents are able/willing to take on.

 

[starrzone]

I think you have to decide whether or not your relationship with him is more important to you than having children.

 

[Mom2Nick]

I also feel it is incredibly inconsiderate of her husband not to support his wife, when he has known her take on this from the beginning.

I wonder if he would have decided on IVF if he didn´t have any children on his own?

Her take on this in the beginning was that she also didn't agree with IVF - just like her husband continues to believe - until she discovered it was her only hope.

 

[sbell111]

The true test of faith is when you really, really want what is forbidden. If only things that you didn't want were forbidden, being faithful would be easy.

No one said that being true to your beliefs would be easy.

 

[Scurvy]

I understand what you are saying, but should we really be condemning a person for following the tenets of his Church? After all, Pope Benedict has made it very clear that IVF is a grave sin. While I disagree with this position, I cannot find fault with someone who chosens not to commit such a sin.

Really, should one member of a couple really be able to force the other to do an act that his beliefs say are wrong? If a wife became pregnant and the couple didn't want more children, should a husband be able to decide on an abortion?

I agree with you completely that the OP should not expect her husband to set aside his beliefs to fulfill her need to have a child. She knew going in to the relationship that his beliefs were important to him and even said that she agreed until she learned that IVF might be needed for her to have a child. However, I don't think that's the issue in this case.

It sounds as though the OP is alone in exploring their options. Presumably adoption wouldn't violate the husbands beliefs. I don't know much about their religion but I assume it also wouldn't violate his beliefs for him to try to have the damage from his injury repaired, if that's possible. (And in some cases it is - my brother in law needed scar tissue removed and is now the father of a beautiful little girl.) It sounds like her husband has basically washed his hands of the situation at this point, though. Like he's saying he feels sad for her because she won't ever have kids, but he's okay because he already has his.

Even if you take IVF off the table completely, because the OP knew going into this relationship that such a thing wouldn't be possible, her husband should be right by her side exploring their other options. The fact that he isn't makes me wonder if he ever really intended to have kids with her at all.

I think divorce ought to be a couple's last resort - anyone who was on the other "ending a marriage" thread might remember I was one the of the people accused of flaming the OP because I thought she was giving up on her marriage too easily. This case is different. I think it would be really low for the OP to leave her husband just because he can't have more kids. I think it would be awful to leave someone because they won't violate beliefs that you agreed with when you married them. But if the OP's husband told her he wanted to have kids with her when he didn't really mean it, and just went along with her before they married knowing he would not be willing to try everything possible to fulfill her desire for kids later, that's awful. If he agreed to have kids with her but refuses to explore even those options that don't violate his beliefs, then I think he alone is at fault for the possible failure of the marriage. If they both tried everything that was an option for them and still were unsuccessful in becoming parents, I would think that the fault would rest completely on the OP if she chose to leave to become a parent with someone else.

The problem is that we can't possibly know the truth of the OP's situation. I think they could benefit greatly from counseling so that they can understand each others' views. If she discovers that he never really wanted to have kids with her or isn't willing to actively help her to explore all their options, I think she would be justified in leaving.

 

[KathyTX]

No more discussion/debate regarding the teachings of the Catholic (or any other) religion, per our rules prohibiting religious discussions.

Thank you.

 

[*pixie*dust*]

You are right on this and wrong. He went through all the proper paperwork before we were marriend with the church to have his marriage annulled. We have never used birth control and didn't have sex until marriage. Actually foreign adoption has the cut off at 40 something. He is 42. It is very hard because everyone of my friends has children. As a woman it is one of the first questions you are asked.

Actually some countries have no age cut off at all. Yes, Korea has a cut off of 45 but most others vary from agency to agency. My son was adopted from Korea so I have done a fair amount of research on countries. China is around 50 and Russia and Kazakstan also vary.

 

[Freyja]

No more discussion/debate regarding the teachings of the Catholic (or any other) religion, per our rules prohibiting religious discussions.

Thank you.

Just curious, is that a new rule? I´m sad to say that I´m almost glad there is one, considering that almost every dicussion on the CB ends up revolving around religion for one reason or another.

 

[KathyTX]

Just curious, is that a new rule? I´m sad to say that I´m almost glad there is one, considering that almost every dicussion on the CB ends up revolving around religion for one reason or another.

We implemented this in March in reponse to many problems we were having, primarily with political threads. Here's the sticky discussing the change: http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=2125870

 

[quentina]

What's wrong with adopting an older child. You said you wanted to be a mother. They need mothers too.

I agree and I just want to add a personal comment. As the adoptive parent of 2 bi-racial children, I am having a little bit of a problem with the comments of....they would even take a bi-racial child (gasp)....I kind of read it like it was a downgrade or something.

Believe me....white, black, purple or green...they all need and give love just the same.

I know it wasn't meant to come across this way however, I feel my mommy bear, must protect, attitude coming out. No need to apologize...just wanted to point out that my feelings got a little hurt when I read these statements.

 

[shortbun]

This is a really personal decision and maybe not for the DIS. Most of your real issues can not be discussed here. We were 42 and 43 when we adopted our son so I don't see a problem with your husband's age. After we completed the adoption, we had two attorneys call us to see if we wanted to adopt another baby. I'd think long and hard before I left a man who I loved because we were not able to conceive.

 

[justhat]

OP, I know you're done here, but as a Catholic, I have to say I wouldn't have known off the top of my head that the Catholic Church is staunchly opposed to IVF. Maybe because I never looked into IVF, or maybe I'm just a bad Catholic , but I really had no idea. So to say you knew he was against IVF cause he was a staunch Catholic is not a given.

Also, I know that urge you have for kids as I had it too. Having kids was extremely important to me and my husband knew that before we were married. Never once was IVF discussed as we were young when we met (and when we got married) so it wasn't on my radar at the time. So I wouldn't have even known he was opposed to the idea (if he were, in fact, I still don't know if he is or not cause we simply never discusse it).

But I do know that knowing how important a baby was to me, he would have done everything in his power to try to make it happen, and supported me along the way. And he is very Catholic himself, went to Catholic school his whole life, is a Eucharistic Minister, went to church every week (in fact we both did throughout college and until we had kids, now we've kinda fallen off the wagon so to speak). But he is extremely supportive of me and would put me above any religious belief he might have rather than know my lifelong dream would never become a reality because he was too rigid.

It was never his dream to have a bunch of kids-my husband would have been satisfied with the 2 we have now, 1 kid, or none at all probably, but was very willing to have the 3rd that is on the way. His dream was to go to medical school and I supported that, sacrificing a lot for myself and our family on the way. My dream is being a mom and he supports that fully as well.

If he were sterile and wouldn't consider a donor sperm route, then we would look into adopting an embryo, and if that couldn't work out, then adopting a baby. I know it's great to adopt an older kid and I would love to do that now, having raised 2 babies, but I know I would have longed for holding a newborn in my arms, so for us the older child route would not have been an option, most likely.

So for me, it would be the fact that my needs and feelings are not important to him that would be so hurtful and demeaning that it would be a dealbreaker. Not that he was sterile, that's entirely different. If he were sterile but willing to search through other options with me, great! But if he said "I feel sorry for you, but you're on your own on this one, honey," then I would be hurt and angry.

 

[*pixie*dust*]

I agree and I just want to add a personal comment. As the adoptive parent of 2 bi-racial children, I am having a little bit of a problem with the comments of....they would even take a bi-racial child (gasp)....I kind of read it like it was a downgrade or something.

Believe me....white, black, purple or green...they all need and give love just the same.

I know it wasn't meant to come across this way however, I feel my mommy bear, must protect, attitude coming out. No need to apologize...just wanted to point out that my feelings got a little hurt when I read these statements.

I can relate. My son is asian and comments about asians tend to bring out my momma bear too!

 

[TAKitty]

OP, I know you're done here, but as a Catholic, I have to say I wouldn't have known off the top of my head that the Catholic Church is staunchly opposed to IVF. Maybe because I never looked into IVF, or maybe I'm just a bad Catholic , but I really had no idea. So to say you knew he was against IVF cause he was a staunch Catholic is not a given.

Also, I know that urge you have for kids as I had it too. Having kids was extremely important to me and my husband knew that before we were married. Never once was IVF discussed as we were young when we met (and when we got married) so it wasn't on my radar at the time. So I wouldn't have even known he was opposed to the idea (if he were, in fact, I still don't know if he is or not cause we simply never discusse it).

But I do know that knowing how important a baby was to me, he would have done everything in his power to try to make it happen, and supported me along the way. And he is very Catholic himself, went to Catholic school his whole life, is a Eucharistic Minister, went to church every week (in fact we both did throughout college and until we had kids, now we've kinda fallen off the wagon so to speak). But he is extremely supportive of me and would put me above any religious belief he might have rather than know my lifelong dream would never become a reality because he was too rigid.

It was never his dream to have a bunch of kids-my husband would have been satisfied with the 2 we have now, 1 kid, or none at all probably, but was very willing to have the 3rd that is on the way. His dream was to go to medical school and I supported that, sacrificing a lot for myself and our family on the way. My dream is being a mom and he supports that fully as well.

If he were sterile and wouldn't consider a donor sperm route, then we would look into adopting an embryo, and if that couldn't work out, then adopting a baby. I know it's great to adopt an older kid and I would love to do that now, having raised 2 babies, but I know I would have longed for holding a newborn in my arms, so for us the older child route would not have been an option, most likely.

So for me, it would be the fact that my needs and feelings are not important to him that would be so hurtful and demeaning that it would be a dealbreaker. Not that he was sterile, that's entirely different. If he were sterile but willing to search through other options with me, great! But if he said "I feel sorry for you, but you're on your own on this one, honey," then I would be hurt and angry.

I just really wanted to say thank you for your comments.

I went to the counselor on Monday. She really validated my feelings. I am not sure that I want a divorce, but I do know that some things need to change in my marriage.

Due to my husband's messy divorce from his ex-wife, we are probably not eligible to adopt. I don't want to go into all the details here. It is hard not having many options.

As some of you know, I am dealing with my mom's lung cancer and take her Friday to the hospital so that she can have a port put in. My plate is full, but I will try to stay positive.