What would you do??? Advice please.(Long)

[Fishbone†]

My Dfiance' has a group of friends that he's been friends with forever (15-20+ years). There's three married couples plus us. He was in all but one of their weddings, and the one he wasn't in is his "best" friend, and they didn't have him in their wedding because they didn't like the girl he was dating, and didn't want her there. Sad, huh??

Anyway, we all (the girls) seemed to click, and they invited me on their girls' weekend. We had a blast, and they went on and on about how I was the best thing that ever happened to Dfiance', and they really enjoyed hanging out with me, and they were glad he'd found someone decent.

Fast forward two weeks..... the wife of the "best" friend (who's wedding he was NOT in), encouraged me to apply for a position at her company, and I was offered the position. Unfortunately, the pay wasn't what I thought it was going to be (something about "sorry, we budgeted wrong"), and not only would I be taking a small paycut, but on top of that, my company offered me more money to stay, so I turned the new job down. Now best friend's wife (we'll call her "V") is mad, and says I'm a liar (not sure how?? ) and a betrayer, and I used her to get more money from my own company. Even though I didn't go looking for a new job - she contacted me and encouraged me to interview (amongst my concerns of working together and possibly affecting the new friendship). Anyway, I got several nasty emails from her to this effect, and I just didn't respond, primarily because I'm not a fighter, and she wasn't going to listen anyway - she was on a rampage, and I'd have been wasting my breath.

A couple weeks later, Dfiance's best friend calls him and tells him that I should just apologize to his wife so it doesn't affect their friendship. Dfiance' doesn't agree with me apologizing because I have nothing to apologize for, but as we talk about it, we decide that if I email her and just state how sorry I am this affected the friendship, and that I had no intentions of hurting her, maybe we could move on. I wrote a very nice email keeping it non-confrontational and non-begging.... just I'm sorry it turned out this way, and I miss the friendship type thing..... I got back... ."well, I hope you understand how you made me feel and what you've done to me, and maybe someday in the future we can move past it."

In the meantime, I get an email from one of the other girls stating that this issue with "V" and I didn't affect how she felt about me or our friendship, and that she wanted me to know she didn't have anything against me.

So, now since then, we have not seen any of these couples. We've invited them out with us twice..... both times no one came. This weekend, they had a BBQ on Saturday night that no one invited us to, and then spent the day at a lake yesterday - again we were not invited. However, "V"'s husband ("best friend) does bother to tell Dfiance' all about the weekend this morning.

I feel this has to do with the issue between "V" and I, and it breaks my heart that his friends are alienating him again. In fact, it used to make me sad to hear how they alienated him with the other girl, and hoped for the longest time that they would like me so he wouldn't have to go through that again. I know it hurt him, because I could tell when he talked about it. Now, it's happening again..... only it's my fault this time. He says, he could care less, and he doesn't need friends like that.... he basically told me today that they're so petty and materialistic that it won't break his heart to only see them once or twice a year. We're moving this fall out of the cities, and won't be as close to everyone..... he thinks their jealous of our house - which it seems they are the way they talk about it... they think we jumped in too deep and should have gotten a "starter" house... even though, we have plenty of money to pay for it, AND they just bought a hobby farm that cost over twice as much as our place. These are the same people who outright told us they were looking at buying a Lotus something or other (some $98,000 car) so "people will look and wonder who those people are". That is about the most materialistic, arrogant, shallow thing I've ever heard. And, by the way, they can't really afford that. But I digress.

So, the question is.... I was going to send an email asking what's going on, and basically stating that I didn't think they were being fair to Dfiance' by cutting us out over this. I just want to tell them to GROW UP, but maybe in a nicer way. I'm just sad about this. Dfiance' says not to bother, it's not worth it, and he really doesn't care anymore.

I don't know what to do. What would you do??? I just feel so bad for him... and I guess I kind of like having a group of friends to do things with too. But mostly it just hurts to see him treated this way.

Sorry so long.

 

[Keggy]

Well, I personally think you did the right thing. If this person truely cared about you they wouldn't encourage you to take a position that paid less money. It sounds like you went about it the right way.

I mean what would happen if something truely bad had happened. He didn't get invited to his BF's wedding because of the girl he was dating? That is ridiculous. How about just not inviting the girl?

It sounds like you guys are better off distancing yourselves. It is tough to break off friendships with people who have been so important in your life for so long - but if they can't accept and apology that wasn't really needed in the first place... come on now.

Kelly

 

[EthansMom]

Ignore them. If they want your friendship, they'll contact you when they're ready. Your fiance is right. You don't need friends who are going to treat you rudely.

BTW, we had a similar situation with DH looking for a job and a distant relative helped move his resume through their company. We had a few people who couldn't believe DH turned down the one job offer he got from the company -- it was for 40% less than he had been making!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hello?!? Why in the world would he want to take a 40% pay cut?

If anyone specifically asks about it, just say, "The company seemed great, but I wasn't willing to take a pay cut to change jobs." Most sane people would understand that.

 

[Nancyg56]

WOW!!!!!!! What a group! If you ask me and you did, sort of, I would say that both you and your DF are well rid of this bunch of petty, nasty, self centered gossiping snips. I would avoid them at all costs. Any friend who would punish a "best friend" for dating a woman not of their choosing is not a friend. Thank your lucky stars that you did not accept the job because your every action would be shared with the rest of the little band, and now a personal relationship would be slithering over into the professional side. Better to be able to move on to a group of adults who do not feel compelled to determine the appropriate amount for you to spend on your home, the job that you accept, or the person to whom you commit.

I thought that this type of behavior was outgrown by the time a person reached 16.

 

[RadioNate]

How old are you people? That seems so junior high. I'd stay out of it. Nothing you can do will make the situation any better. Seems V rules the group and no one has the guts to stand up to her.

I can see her being a little upset about the job thing IF she went to bat for you with her company and then got in trouble over the situation BUT you apoligized and being a little upset isn't a reason to shun someone from the group.

Your DF doesn't need you fighting his battles. The guys need to work it out and it sounds like this 'best friend' isn't really a good friend.

good luck

 

[Christine]

You know, I just don't know what to tell you. Obviously "V" controls everything and everyone. As long as she is in your life, you are going to have these problems with her. I am in agreement that you should just let it go. You've gone farther with this woman as far as apologies than most people would--she is manipulating you now. The best thing, at this point, is to ignore them, don't even let "V" think she is bothering you. Do not let her win (emotionally) over you or this stuff will keep up forever.

 

[Rajah]

I agree with your DF -- it's not worth it any more. They've already shown that they're a petty bunch and you're better off without them, sadly.

 

[jbdreamer]

I am so sorry for what you are going though. I would feel awful. But you truly have done nothing wrong. You did what was best for you. I don't understand why this women would even care so much about where you work. Are we missing something. And then for all the friends to jump on the bandwagon of being mad at you is just ridiculous. They sound kind of snobbish and have some growing up to do. - As you have said, this is not the first time they have ignored your Fiancé and his SO.

At this point I don't think there is anything you can do - it's your Fiance's turn. You Fiancé needs to stand up to his friends and defend you. When his Best Friend called and asked for an apology, your Fiancé should have demanded the same thing. From your story neither of you have done anything wrong, it is ridiculous to be treated in such a matter.

You have to ask yourself, do you even want to be friends with these people. They sure don't sound too friendly to me. Even though they were nice at first, they sure turned on you quick as soon as the Best Friend's wife said 'jump'.

 

[Maleficent13]

I remember the thread where you asked advice on whether to take the job after your current company offered you a raise. IIRC, I told you to stick with the current company...thank goodness you did!

She called you, she offered you a job making less than she originally quoted you, and now she's mad at you for not sacrificing your job and salary to make her happy? She's a non-dis-friendly word.

Sounds like your DFi is a mature, rational adult. I know exactly how you feel, but I'd have to let it go at this point.

 

[RUDisney]

The first thing that I thought of before you mentioned it was that it sounds like they are jealous of you. Others are right, V is trying to control you and is mad because she failed at it. What was so awful about your Dfiance's last GF that they didn't like her? Probably something equally as silly insofar as this group goes, well, at least V.

As for buying a starter house, that's what people told us. Fact of the matter was that we wanted to buy a house that wouldn't require us to move because we'd outgrown it. That's your business. Your friends don't have to live there or pay your bills. What should it matter to them, except that they are jealous.

Good riddence to them. DH brought friends like this into our relationship. Once they decided that they couldn't keep up with us (their game, not ours) they dumped us. No biggie. We're cordial when we run into them. We just choose not to go looking for them.

 

[diznygirl]

Although the old saying is "Life is Short" it's not - it's very very long. Say all the nasty things you want about this group - but don't put it in writing! Go along with your lives. If eventually they catch up to you and you end up friends again, you have nothing to be ashamed of, no regrets. They should have plenty.

Ignore them for now and carry on with your lives. You have no need to put yourselves through the mental/physical anguish this is causing. Let it go, and enjoy yourselves. (Remember, the best revenge is living well!)

 

[laurajetter]

The way I see it, it's just not worth trying to continue the friendships. I agree there is a degree of sadness for your husband to leave them, but their pettiness is just plain immature. Plus, you're moving further away anyway, right?

Even if this issue were to be resolved, the wife of your DH's "best" friend seems like the type of person who will find some other thing to complain/argue about. It will be a neverending cycle.

And by the way you describe these people, who would want friends like that anyway? I'm sure there are positive aspects of the friendships that you and your DH like or else this wouldn't be so difficult for you. But if you look at the big picture, and read your own description of what they are like, you will probably find that it is not worth having these types of friends.

I say just lay low and don't bother trying to rekindle the friendships. Also don't send that email explaining that their actions are unfair, etc. They know that, and I seriously don't think sending an email to that affect would do any good. Once you move, join some groups or get involved in local activities to try and make new friends, ones you can truly feel feel comfortable calling friends, not ones you feel the need to place quotes around the term "friend"!

Good luck! I really hope both you and your DH can find new friends that actually know the meaning of the word.

Laura

 

[Beth76]

I would just try to forget about it. Don't try to contact them. Your fiance is on your side and said he doesn't really mind if he loses them as friends. He's right. You have no reason to apologize, or try to mend things. You did nothing wrong. You'll find better friends.

 

[Minnie824]

You know, I would send an email. What do you have to lose? They're already being rude and not talking to you guys and rubbing it in DFiances face what they did over the weekend. I would send an email, be polite but get the point across, and ask V what her issue is. Again, you have nothing to lose, and it may make you feel better about the situation.

 

[RUDisney]

You know, I would send an email. What do you have to lose? They're already being rude and not talking to you guys and rubbing it in DFiances face what they did over the weekend. I would send an email, be polite but get the point across, and ask V what her issue is. Again, you have nothing to lose, and it may make you feel better about the situation.

Nope. It's V's written rant. You don't have to participate.

My SIL did this to me with emails once. I have all of the spiteful and vindictive emails saved. While I've put that behind us in our relationship, it doesn't mean that I have to forget it. Plus, she has nothing to pull off of her thumb drive should she choose to start her rant again.

It bugged her more that I didn't respond than it would have if I added fuel to her fire.

Let it go.

 

[RUDisney]

You know, I would send an email. What do you have to lose? They're already being rude and not talking to you guys and rubbing it in DFiances face what they did over the weekend. I would send an email, be polite but get the point across, and ask V what her issue is. Again, you have nothing to lose, and it may make you feel better about the situation.

Nope. It's V's written rant. You don't have to participate.

My SIL did this to me with emails once. I have all of the spiteful and vindictive emails saved. While I've put that behind us in our relationship, it doesn't mean that I have to forget it. Plus, she has nothing to pull off of her thumb drive should she choose to start her rant again.

It bugged her more that I didn't respond than it would have if I added fuel to her fire.

Let it go.

 

[BuzzPrincessMom]

OP, I am sorry Df's friends are awful. But I don't really think in the scheme of things they are really friends. Yes they are people who he has had a lot of good times, but friends are there for you no matter what. They are trying to "hurt" you intentionally. And from experience I can tell you it is hard to get a friendship back once someone intentionally tries to hurt you.

I had a friend of many years, she did something to intentionally hurt me, I contacted her in a letter, to ask her why. We "talked" but I think she still just wants to be mad at me, and we rarely talk now. I had to let it go. I could not be her "slave" to try to make the friendship work again.

What I am trying to say is if DF is okay with them out of his life then you should be okay with it. I think if anyone "talks" - and I think it should be talking not e-mail (as I said before sometimes the voice/tone inside your head while you type the e-mail is not the same voice/tone as the person reading the e-mail) it should be DF. He needs to clear the air with them if he wants to be their friends - They have a history of being hurtful and he needs to address it if need be not you.

I say great job on the house - enjoy it and all the new people you will meet. Maybe you will meet some true life long friends.


Sorry so long...

 

[PrincessKitty1]

Sometimes friendships need to be outgrown, and it sounds like your DF is satisfied that he does not need these people for friends anymore. Unfortunately, "group" friendships too often have power-hungry people trying to manipulate the group--sounds like they weren't very nice to your DF before you, and they're not nice to either of you now.

Friends aren't friends if they're not nice to you. Really! I would not say or email another word to anybody in the group. I would move on and make new friends.

 

[Disney Doll]

Here's what I'd do...I'd thank my lucky stars that my DH and I don't have to deal with this group of immature idiots anymore.

They have done you a huge favor. You just may not realize it yet.

Let it lie. Don't call, e-mail, or anything else. Life goes on.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Listen to your DF and drop it. These are not friends. As DisneyDoll says they have done you a favor.