What to do with teen drinking?

[Hillbeans]

If it were my niece, i'd mention it to her parents (is this your brother/sister?)

Thanksgiving was an accident waiting to happen, and if that were my son/daughter, i'd want to know - - although, if they knew they gave her a full glass of wine and then she was going to drive 1/2 hour later, something is wrong because the parents should have realized what's going on.

So yes, i'd mention that there may be something going on. There is a difference with having a drink with your parents at dinner from drinking and possibly driving or getting drunk often with friends.

 

[Nancy]

Where did I use she's driving drunk. I did say she had a glass of something and then wanted to go out. I did say that on myspace she's boasting about drinking with friends. I was just wondering if I should open a can of worms and let her parents know what her site says. I know if it were my child, I'd want to know. But I also know how responsible my kids are. I've raised a few and have 2 left in the nest.

My take is just because she's posting and bragging doesn't mean she is actually doing it. Just like on here, how many do you really think tell 100% of the truth and and how many do you think just make things up all the time? Teens have been embellishing what they do she I was a teen back in the 70's and probably since time began.

I would not say anything to her parents unless you know for sure that they will not "shoot the messanger".

 

[WhoopyPie]

I would not say anything to her parents unless you know for sure that they will not "shoot the messanger".

They will shoot the messenger.

I think my approach will be since we're getting together this weekend for her Mom's Birthday, is to have a talk with my niece. Tell her I checked out my daughter myspace and saw her post on it and went and looked at her page and was surprised at all the drinking she does. I want to know her reaction. If I can find her page anyone can. Then I will take it from there.

 

[Tiggeroo]

alot depends on the family relationships too. In my family i'm close with all my neices and nephews as are my siblings with mine. I'd expect my siblings to tell me if there was a problem and I'd do the same. We wouldn't do this lightly. Also since we're close I could go directly to my neice and talk to her. I'd give her a chance to explain. I'd be the tough aunt with some loving advice. If I still felt uncomfortable I'd go to the parents. But I don't think you had any business looking up her myspace account. I have a brother who is very into pc's. It's what he does for a living. I'm very uncomfortable having him work on any of my pc's as he looks at things in what i'd consider an inappropriate way. He'd look at my kids history and make judgement calls. I haven't done that with my kids since they were 16. He still does it with his 19yo. Different parenting styles. He's also critical of my allowing the 18yo's to have a drink at special occasions. I don't criticize his not letting his kids. My policy involving alcohol usage was hard thought out between dh and myself. We agree that we could be wrong.

 

[minkydog]

One of my friends was arrested at the beach last summer because she gave her daughter a beer out of the cooler. Cop saw it and arrested the mom and poured out the beer. Contributing to the deliquency of a minor. She was an upstanding citizen and she was mortifed!

Where in the U.S. is it legal for a 17yo to drink I'm sure a lot of parents see no problem with letting their kids have a glass of wine, but it sets a dangerous precedent when they are flaunting the law. Most 17yo kids don't have as much common sense as we'd like anyway, but they have even less when they are drinking.

I would bring it up with the parents and let them know what you found.Do it anonymously, if you have to. If they want to pursue it, fine. If not, drop it. But I wouldn't want it to be on my conscience if she gets drunk and kills someone's child because I didn't say something.

 

[WhoopyPie]

But I don't think you had any business looking up her myspace account.

Why is it wrong? It's on the internet for people to see. My daughter has one I know about it. I have one, it's a way of us keeping in touch with others. You can post right on the site.

I see nothing wrong with looking at a public site.

 

[Tiggeroo]

It's not illegal. It's not even wrong if the neice shared the info. But it feels kind of wrong for a grown adult to do a search to find their younger neices online blog. It's not technically wrong just makes me uncomfortable. Some spaces are for the kids to exercise their semi-freedom.
It is legal for a parent to allow their under 21 child to have alcohol in their own home. It's not legal for somebody else to do it. It's not legal to allow them to drive. I'd imagine it's not legal to allow drunkeness but i'm not sure. There are many nationalities where wine with dinner even as a teenager is an accepted practice, culturally.
Again I'm sorry to say but if you think your teen has never had alcohol you are most likely wrong. That doesn't mean you should allow it or tolerate law breaking. Merely that you have to be careful not to be too naieve.

 

[WhoopyPie]

I didn't do a search to find her. She posted on my kids site and I post on my kids site during the day. It was there to be seen.

I never said I searched her out.

I never said my teen didn't try drinking. Are you seeing posts of mine I don't?????

 

[Tiggeroo]

I didn't do a search to find her. She posted on my kids site and I post on my kids site during the day. It was there to be seen.

I never said I searched her out

if that's the case i'd tell her parents. There's no breach in confidentiality. I'm a mom. I've had to deal with teen drinking and have had plenty of talks. Like I said, in my family we all help to parent the kids and love them all a bunch. If something were to happen, and you knew and didn't say, you'd feel terrible.

 

[True North]

I just wondering, becuase I really don't know the answer, when do kids start to drink in the US? Like, I know you have the oldest drinking age in the Western world, but when is it normal for kids to actually start drinking?

Here in Canada the drinking age is 18, (19 in 2 or 3 provinces), so I guess I just don't see what the big deal is about a 17 year old drinking is. In University, which I started when I was 17, we would talk about how drunk we got at a party or whatever. It wasn't out of the ordinary, and I don't think my floormates nor I had a problem or needed an intervention. Most graduated with honours. To me it is kids doing what kids have done for decades. Again, it could be cultural difrences, I guess I just don't get it.

 

[minkydog]

I just wondering, becuase I really don't know the answer, when do kids start to drink in the US? Like, I know you have the oldest drinking age in the Western world, but when is it normal for kids to actually start drinking?

Here in Canada the drinking age is 18, (19 in 2 or 3 provinces), so I guess I just don't see what the big deal is about a 17 year old drinking is. In University, which I started when I was 17, we would talk about how drunk we got at a party or whatever. It wasn't out of the ordinary, and I don't think my floormates nor I had a problem or needed an intervention. Most graduated with honours. To me it is kids doing what kids have done for decades. Again, it could be cultural difrences, I guess I just don't get it.

I suppose a lot of kids start in High School. My son did, probably around 16 or 17. Not with my blessing, of course. I didn't know about it at the time. But he also wasn't driving then either. He's 19 now and i "hear things" occasionally but have never smelled alcohol on him. We have had conversations about drinking and he knows he is "at risk" because two grandparents and an uncle are/were alcoholics.

I'm not sure why the legal drinking age is so high(21 in Georgia). It wasn't this way when i was young. I'm sure someone will know the answer.

 

[aprilgail2]

That's about as far as I would go. It's not up to you to "narc" on your niece to her parents about what she's written.

I agree!!

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I'm not sure why the legal drinking age is so high(21 in Georgia). It wasn't this way when i was young. I'm sure someone will know the answer.

http://www2.potsdam.edu/hansondj/LegalDrinkingAge.html

Not sure the state of the OP--but some states it is completely illegal and others--it isn't. So the parents may or may not be breaking the law.

I think raising it to 21 had something to do with reducing the number of vehicle accidents..but I could be wrong.

The link has this to say on it:

The National Minimum Drinking Age Act of 1984 required all states to raise their minimum purchase and public possession of alcohol age to 21. States that did not comply faced a reduction in highway funds under the Federal Highway Aid Act.... It does not prohibit persons under 21 (also called youth or minors) from drinking. The term "public possession" is strictly defined and does not apply to possession for the following:

An established religious purpose, when accompanied by a parent, spouse or legal guardian age 21 or older
Medical purposes when prescribed or administered by a licensed physician, pharmacist, dentist, nurse, hospital or medical institution
In private clubs or establishments
In the course of lawful employment by a duly licensed manufacturer, wholesaler or retailer.” 1
Many of the states that have chosen to specifically prohibit alcohol consumption by those under age 21 have a variety of exceptions. For example,

Some States allow an exception for consumption when a family member consents and/or is present. States vary widely in terms of which relatives may consent or must be present for this exception to apply and in what circumstances the exception applies. Sometimes a reference is made simply to "family" or "family member" without further elaboration.

....

Some States allow an exception for consumption on private property. States vary in the extent of the private property exception which may extend to all private locations, private residences only, or in the home of a parent or guardian only. In some jurisdictions, the location exception is conditional on the presence and/or consent of the parent, legal guardian, or legal-age spouse.

Some States also allow exceptions for educational purposes (e.g., students in culinary schools), religious purposes (e.g., sacramental use of alcoholic beverages), or medical purposes. 2

Also includes a map that indicates that as of 2003--consumption is prohibited by those under 21 in: Idaho, Alabama, Kansas, Indiana, North Carolina, Washington DC, West Virginia and Pennsylvania.

Note: This map is based on statutes and regulations only. It does does not include exceptions created by case law (judicial decisions), custom, or application of constitutional

protections.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Another link (it is anti-lowering the age--a bias, so not sure if the facts are skewed or not--but an interesting read).

http://www.cspinet.org/booze/mlpafact.htm


Their opening statement:

In 1984, Congress passed the National Minimum Purchase Age Act, to encourage each state to enact a minimum legal purchase age (MLPA) of 21 by 1986. The result was impressive: an estimated 1,071 lives were saved in 1987 alone. From 1975 - 1996, the estimated number of lives saved reached nearly 17,000.(2) In addition to a 63% decline in alcohol-related crash fatalities among young drivers since 1982, findings show that the MLPA has decreased the number of DWI arrests, youth suicides, marijuana use, crime, and alcohol consumption by youth.(3,4)

 

[Planogirl]

"Consumption prohibited with exceptions"

I wonder what that means? I would guess that a parent can give their own child a drink in most cases?

Interesting.

 

[Nancy]

Drinking age in NY state is 21, living close to the border I know that a lot of the kids go over into Canada (Ontario) where the drinking age is 19. Back when I was a teen legal age was 18, I statrted going into bars at 16 1/2 or 17. I was not driving at that time, but friends were. I couldn't drive after 9:00 legally until I was 18.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

"Consumption prohibited with exceptions"

I wonder what that means? I would guess that a parent can give their own child a drink in most cases?

Interesting.

From the site:

Some States allow an exception for consumption when a family member consents and/or is present. States vary widely in terms of which relatives may consent or must be present for this exception to apply and in what circumstances the exception applies. Sometimes a reference is made simply to "family" or "family member" without further elaboration.

....

Some States allow an exception for consumption on private property. States vary in the extent of the private property exception which may extend to all private locations, private residences only, or in the home of a parent or guardian only. In some jurisdictions, the location exception is conditional on the presence and/or consent of the parent, legal guardian, or legal-age spouse.

Some States also allow exceptions for educational purposes (e.g., students in culinary schools), religious purposes (e.g., sacramental use of alcoholic beverages), or medical purposes. 2

 

[Just2554]

Well, I wouldn't be as concerned by the fact that your niece is drinking as I would by the fact that she is driving while intoxicated. Being 19 myself, I'm not going to lie and say I've never had a drink or I've never had a buzz, but I only drink responsibly. My parents and some of my friends' parents will let us drink on occasion, but if they do, they take all our car keys and we must be sleeping over.

I think the real harm are the parents that want to think in their minds that it's not their kids drinking or partying. I've been eye-witness to tons of friends at college that had over-protective parents that wouldn't let them get away with anything and now they are so rebellious that they're hardly passing any of their classes because they're out partying 5 or 6 nights a week.

My personal opinion (and please, no flames) is that if your kid wants a wine cooler or something in the privacy or your own home and you're okay with it, just let them have one. Set an example by drinking responsibly rather than flat-out refusing or reprimanding them. Later along the line you may be happy you did because rather than being reckless, they'll be responsible.

 

[True North]

Another link (it is anti-lowering the age--a bias, so not sure if the facts are skewed or not--but an interesting read).

http://www.cspinet.org/booze/mlpafact.htm

Thanks, that was an interesting read! I know our two countries take very diffrent approches to drinking, much like drugs, but I wonder what a mixed study would prove. I guess it is very hard to get a non-biased study these days anyways. Here in Canada, the provinces with the lower drinking age (18) tend to be better off then the ones that have the older age (19). Quebec, my province, has the most lax laws when it comes to drinking, and the least amount of alcohol related problems. Again, I know there are major cultural differences, I just find it interesting who some of these diffrent thoughts on the issue.

 

[poohandwendy]

I guess I am wondering why noone has mentioned talking to the actual neice about it? If you really are concerned, why not tell the neice that she pretty much put it out there by sharing it with the WORLD WIDE WEB and that her safety is on your mind? She is 17 years old, I think I would talk directly to her about it. I would say something like "Lucy Lush, you may not know it, but I also check out myspace.com and I happened to see your blog. What you mention about drinking has me concerned, mostly for your safety. I don't want you to get hurt and I certainly don't want to see anyone else get hurt." I would also make sure she knows to call me if she ever needs a ridem for any reason.

You cannot stop her from drinking, and talking to her parents won't stop it either, but you can be a responsible influence in her life.