What to do? UPDATE but no date yet, Page 2 :)

[coolshannie]

This is long, but I really need some advice.

Honestly, I do want a boyfriend, I really do. I've been talking to someone about joining a youth group at my church to become more involved with young adults my age. I wanted to join as it is, as I feel as though I am not as involved as I could be now that I am just in the regular congregation, but it also gives me plenty of options to make new friends and find a nice boy who has the same type of values.

I was talking with plenty of guys at the state university I attend, but almost every single one that I am interested in seems to party a lot. I'm not into the whole party thing, drinking, drugs, sex. I don't want to be involved in that. I've never had any interest in it, and I don't think I would be comfortable dating a guy that was comfortable doing those things.

I actually made it my New Years Resolution to find a wonderful boyfriend by the end of 2010. I REALLY want this change in my life. I'm almost twenty years old and have never had a boyfriend. I know I'm not Miss America, but I don't think I'm bad looking or anything. I can be pretty shy sometimes, but I just feel as though I shouldn't have to lower my standards and eventually someone is going to come along.

Well, earlier today I got a text from a guy who I shared one class with last year and only talk to occasionally on Facebook. I'm not sure how he got my number, but there was one previous text message from a while ago that said who he was so I am assuming he's had it for a while. Anyways he was asking if I wanted to go to dinner at such and such eatery this week. I figure okay sure, I've never hung out with him before, but I talk to him occasionally, maybe he's just inviting a bunch of people to go out and have a good time. Well I text him back asking who is going and when, and he replies that just him, his brother, and his brother's girlfriend. I know what they say about assuming things but CLEARLY this is a date and if it's not it's just awkward. The day that he suggested I am truly busy because I have school that day, I texted him that I was busy, but maybe we could get a bunch of people together to go bowling or something some other time. He didn't get it at all. He replied, " Whatever works, how about friday? I was thinking such and such eatery and a movie. I can try to invite more people it just gets more difficult."

At this point I haven't responded yet as it's late and i have a ton of homework to finish. I don't know what to say, honestly. I was hoping he would get the hint, but it is clear he hasn't. I don't mind hanging out with him, he's a nice guy, but he's not a guy that I am attracted to in any way. He's a good looking guy, he's just not someone I could date, to me he's in the category with my guy friends who are always there, and are wonderful people, but I couldn't see them as more then just friends.

I really don't know what to do and I thought much wiser advice would come from the Community Board. I do want a boyfriend, and I know it is just one date, but I'm someone who wants to date someone who wants to be in a relationship with me and someone I really want to be in a relationship with as well. I don't want to go on a date with a guy I'm not interested in and lead him on just because It's one date, then there will be a second date because I am not good with turning people down and that is exactly why I am in this predicament.

 

[WhateverLolaWants]

At this point I haven't responded yet as it's late and i have a ton of homework to finish. I don't know what to say, honestly. I was hoping he would get the hint, but it is clear he hasn't. I don't mind hanging out with him, he's a nice guy, but he's not a guy that I am attracted to in any way. He's a good looking guy, he's just not someone I could date, to me he's in the category with my guy friends who are always there, and are wonderful people, but I couldn't see them as more then just friends.

I know I sound harsh, but I'd say this is why you are single. Give the poor guy a shot, you said you've never hung out with him before.. is it really fair to judge him so soon? And even if you still feel that way after hanging out with him, it's okay because you are still gaining valuable dating lessons that will help you with the next one(s).

 

[Sosai X]

You are still very young. Don't worry about any of this until you are at least 30.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I know I sound harsh, but I'd say this is why you are single. Give the poor guy a shot, you said you've never hung out with him before.. is it really fair to judge him so soon? And even if you still feel that way after hanging out with him, it's okay because you are still gaining valuable dating lessons that will help you with the next one(s).

I think this poster is spot on. You do not know if this boy is dating material or not because you hardly know him. The point of a first day (adn even after that) is to get to know each other so you can find out if you have a chance at a relationship or not. Give it a try and really get to know him (and anyone else you have the chance to date) before you decide he is not the right type.

 

[kaytieeldr]

The day that he suggested I am truly busy because I have school that day, I texted him that I was busy, but maybe we could get a bunch of people together to go bowling or something some other time. He didn't get it at all. He replied, " Whatever works, how about friday? I was thinking such and such eatery and a movie. I can try to invite more people it just gets more difficult."

Not sure why you feel the need to "group date". He obviously wants to spend time with you, getting to know you better in a, yes, potential dating relationship.

As the others have said, you claim to want a boyfriend yet you're not willing to go on a date. Having a boyfriend/relationship will happen when it happens; it sounds like this man has potential, but you seem to want "a boyfriend" instead of a relationship with any particular man.

 

[NMAmy]

I have officially turned into my mother. She gave me great advice when I was about your age and she was right so I'm going to pass it on.

He asked you to dinner--not to marry him. Give the guy a chance. The odds are good that you'll have a nice meal with some new people and possibly make some new friends.

Going into each first date expecting the man you're going to marry isn't very productive. It's a lot of pressure on both you and your date. You'll both enjoy yourselves more if your only goal is to get to know a potential new friend better. If it leads to something more, great!

And, dang, now I guess I need to call my mom and tell her that I admitted she was right in public and passed on her advice.

 

[Skywalker]

I was hoping he would get the hint, but it is clear he hasn't.

And he's probably grumbling "why does she keep suggesting group outings, I was hoping she'd get the hint I want to date her but it's clear she hasn't".

Anyway you mentioned you don't want anyone involved with partying, drinking, sex, and all of that. Is this guy into that stuff? If so I can see why you wouldn't want to waste your time. But if not, why not give him a chance. You just never know.

Kind of off topic but I remember my friend got asked out by a guy she kind of liked but wasn't sure. She agonized for a long time about if they'd be compatible, didn't want to lead him on, didn't want to hurt him, she listed his good and bad qualities, polled all her friends, etc. So when she finally decided to give him a chance and go out for a coffee all he wanted to do was ask her about another friend of ours he wanted to date. She came home, opened a bottle of wine and said, "I thought that only happened in the movies," lol.

Anyway, you should go have fun.

 

[lovemygoofy]

Ahhh to be 20 again and the buffet of men in college ahead of me

I completely understand what you are saying about not wanting the drinking and partying and sexing thing. Totally get that but you know sometimes the guys do that because they haven't found someone to do anything better with. Just a little food for thought though I understand if you think someone that does that isn't for you.

As for the guy texting you, I think you are jumping the gun saying one date will lead to another and then another. I had more first dates that didn't lead to a second date than the number of years you have been on this earth.

I will also tell you this, a good friend to you has a better chance of making a better boyfriend at some point in your life. Sparks sometimes happens right away and sometimes they catch up to your friendship. There is a guy that wants to get to know you better and if nothing else it helps you brush up on your dating skills. At 20 you are going to have to feel somewhat comfortable in those sitauations as group dating isn't that common at that age anymore.

Don't put pressure on yourself to have a boyfriend by the end of the year. Make your resolution to maybe overcome some of your shyness to meet people and have more one on one discussion. This guy could help with that.
Enjoy being 20 and free and in college. It's a great time in your life. Give those crazy guys a chance. Some of my best dates that never lead to anything were with the guys I thought I didn't have a bit of anything in common with but hey it beat spending a Friday night at home.

 

[mickeyplanner08]

Yep, you have to give him a chance. I "non-dated" my husband for 3 years before we officially became a couple. In his mind the fact that we were hanging out meant that I was interested....in my mind, he was just fun to hang out with. (The fact that he dated my best friend for almost 2 years also played into the "non-date" thing) Anyway, he's a persistent bugger, and I finally agreed to date him after I moved 800 miles away and realized that he wasn't so bad after all.

All this to say that at some point those friendships can progress on to something more, but they don't always. I was right where you are at 20...no dates, no serious boyfriends. I could never get beyond the "I'll never marry this guy" thought, either.

Wait, maybe I'd better stop giving out dating advice...I wasn't good at it then, I probably haven't improved since

Good luck! Really though, go enjoy a dinner out!

 

[lspst8]

I agree with everyone else, and say give the guy a chance. He is obviously interested in you! You may end up having a great time.

I know it is hard, but try not to put so much pressure on yourself to have a boyfriend. I didn't have my first real boyfriend until I was as senior in college, and I have friends who are 30 who haven't had a real long-term relationship with a guy. Everyone is different, and meeting the right person isn't something you can force.

I also wouldn't rule someone out just because they go to a party now and then. I know when I was in college, I did my fair share of partying, but now that I'm 30, I'm usually in bed by 11 pm, even on the weekends! You only have to worry if the guy can't have fun without drinking - avoid those guys. You also might want to see if your school has a club for Christians (you mentioned church, so I assume your are at least somewhat religious) and volunteering club, maybe something like Habitat for Humanity. That way you could meet people who are likely to have the same values/interests as you.

 

[AlexWyattMommy]

Give the guy a chance.

I didn't even like my husband much when I first met him through mutual friends. Then we became friend and years after that, the sparks started to fly. Took five years from start to marriage.

We will be celebrating 14 years of marriage this October.

 

[Christine]

Well after reading through your post, it is obvious why, at 20, you haven't had a boyfriend. Your thought process about who you date is nuts. Do you think that people who end up in a relationship get sparks right away or don't date friends. The guys you have a friendship with are some of your BEST candidates for boyfriends. Committed relationships should be built on mutual attraction AND friendship. If you cannot be friends with a guy, there's no point in having a love relationship with him.

As for this guy--okay, so you didn't have immediate attraction/chemistry with him. You need to get to know him.

 

[Angelhalo]

I know I sound harsh, but I'd say this is why you are single. Give the poor guy a shot, you said you've never hung out with him before.. is it really fair to judge him so soon? And even if you still feel that way after hanging out with him, it's okay because you are still gaining valuable dating lessons that will help you with the next one(s).

Agreed. You're young. What harm could possibly come from giving him a shot. When I was your age I too thought I had a "type" and I had set all these rules about who this guy should be, what he should like to do and what he shouldn't etc etc. I finally found my prince charming after I gave up such notions and started giving people a chance.

When I met my DH, I almost didn't accept his date invite at all because he has a motorcycle and I was deathly afraid of them and "those" kind of people. But, a friend convinced me to go on that ONE date just to check him out. Now we're married and we take our motorcycle all over the country. I've been to places that who knows if I would have ever been there if it weren't for him. And as for "those" people, some of them are my dearest friends now! I never ever would have dreamed that would happen in a million years, but I gave him a shot and I'm sure glad I did!

I'm a Christian myself OP, but shoot, parties can be fun if you let them. Just because you go to a party doesn't mean you have to lose control. They're a great way to get to know people and for others to see that you're not a stick in the mud. You have to get out there and experience life if you expect to find this boyfriend you want because the odds are very slim that this perfect non partying, non drinking, serious relationship seeking guy is just going to fall into your lap if you don't put yourself out there in places where you can really meet peple and have some fun.

If you go on a date and you don't have fun, chances are he isn't having fun either which makes it easier to not have to go on a date with him again. Just give the guy a shot and if it doesn't work out, then it doesn't work out. But, at least you will have been openminded and offered yourself the opportunity to get to know someone. No matter how may rules and clauses we set, we never TRULY find out what we really want until we start seeing different people. THATS when you see what your dealbreakers REALLY are.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Learning how to date is a skill that you will benefit from. You are a young adult now and the rules for dating have changed. Group dates are no longer going to be common in your age group.

If you go out with him and you do not like him then you can say no the next time.

If you are fearing having to turn him down then that is also a skill you need to learn.

I guess I can say that this info applies here. "If you do not make a decision the possibilities are endless. Once you make a decision you limit yourself. It is a depressing way to live."

Got that from the story of Syd Barrett who was the founder of Pink Floyd. One of the people he knew said that about him. Syd was brilliant but crazy.

There are better philosophies out there to live by, trust me.

 

[Frantasmic]

Sorry to say this, but you sound like my sister-in-law, who is now in her mid 30s with nary a prospect on the horizon.

It does sound a bit like you've romanticized falling in love to the extreme as others have suggested. A perfect man rarely falls from heaven on your doorstep with all your positives checked off on a list in his hand.

It is okay to have high standards, but you must realize that not many guys will meet ALL your criteria, even ones that share your faith or your moral values.

Obviously this guy has paid enough attention to you to realize he is interested, despite what appear to be some road blocks you've inadvertantly placed in his path. He appears to respect your feelings in this regard. That means he values your choices. These are the types of things you need to start looking for in potential boyfriends. Pluses in other areas you may not have considered can wipe out minor minuses in other areas.

Now, no one here is saying that you should compromise your values, lower your standards, or try to feel something you don't feel. But, you should give some people you might not otherwise a chance every once in a while. They might surprise you.

 

[paintnolish]

Go out with him. It doesn't mean you have to marry him! If there isn't a spark there, your predictions will be correct but you will have had a nice evening. If you are wrong... If nothing else, it will be good practice. Also, like PPs have said, you are young. You don't have to look so hard. A relationship will come to you when you least expect it!

 

[mjkacmom]

Love and lust - 2 different things. You fall in love, slowly. You love someone because you love the person they are, and it takes time. There have been many guys that I had sparks in the beginning, but then, as I got to know them, not only did the sparks fade (as they will with any relationship), but the love didn't grow. That's how I knew DH was the right one - after a year, I loved him more than ever. BTW, we've been together for 20 years now. A date is not a lifetime committment - give the guy a chance (and forget about your resolution - most of the time, love comes when you are not looking!).

 

[disfan07]

Okay...now really...I probably shouldnt be one to talk because at 20 I have yet to have a serious boyfriend BUT I agree wiht the PPs. Your attitude about who to date adn what types of dates (ex: group dates) is probably why you are single.

I didnt have my first "real" date until I was 18 and in college.
In high school I had a few guys ask me out but I was too sick during high school adn going through too many medical treatments to even consider dating (I was kind of trying to graduate....dating was not high priority)

In the past 2 years I have gone out wiht probably 5 different guys. Only 2 of those first dates led to anything more and only 1 of them led to anything past a 3rd date. And that only lasted about 6 weeks.

I agree with a PP that you need to change your idea of who you want to date. I'm not sayin gthat you have to lower your standards or you morals, etc. But you need to be willing to date guys that you might not consider "your type". If you keep this attitude up though, you will probably still be single in 2011.


Also, this idea that you have about wanting a real boyfriend. You need to date first and get the dating experience before havign a real boyfriend. Most likely, teh first boy you go out with is NOT going to turn into a realy boyfriend, But thats the point of dating.

Out of all of my friends, only a handful have had "serious boyfriends". My best friend is turning 21 in march and she has her first real boyfriend. they just started dating about 2 months ago.

 

[NeverlandClub23]

I agree with everyone else and to also say to not put time limits on anything. I wasted so much of my early twenties and late teens worried about getting a boyfriend and settling down. I dated A LOT of guys and I really think I wouldn't be who I am today if I had met someone at 19-20 and gotten married in my early twenties. I'm so much more grounded in who I am now and what I want out of life. Just keep yourself open. In fact, I recommend writing a list of 20 things you want to do by the end of the year that has nothing to do with guys or getting a boyfriend. Maybe learn a new language, go white water rafting, run a half or full marathon, etc. And it's ok to do these things alone. I made the same kind of list when my life had become centered around settling down as I started feeling like everyone around me was getting married and having kids. I went skydiving by myself, I went hiking and tent camping in the mountains, I did all of these things that made me realize life is short, fear prevents us from doing so much, and happiness doesn't come from someone else. A lot of my friends that I was jealous of when they were getting married at 22-23 are now getting divorced or are not happy in their marriage. Honestly a lot of guys in their late teens early twenties aren't looking to settle down or have a serious girlfriend. True some of them are and some of them are looking for the right person but most of them are just trying to have fun and not take things too seriously. I suggest you learn something from them. Not saying you should be out there partying and sleeping around but loosen up and try to step out of your comfort zone and try new things to be able to experience life.

"Life is like a coin. You can spend it any way you wish but you can only spend it once" Lillian Dickinson

 

[kaytieeldr]

Agreed. You're young. What harm could possibly come from giving him a shot. When I was your age I too thought I had a "type" and I had set all these rules about who this guy should be, what he should like to do and what he shouldn't etc etc. I finally found my prince charming after I gave up such notions and started giving people a chance.

At one point, my requirements went from a laundry list similar to the OP's, to simply, "must have his own car, and a driver's license". Then I married (briefly) a man with neither