What should DS's punishment be?

[Liberty Belle]

Last night our son went to a birthday party. He and four other kids went to an internet cafe to play an online game, then to a pizza parlor, and were going to go over to the birthday boy's house for a sleepover. While they were at the pizza parlor, the mom (Dad was there with the boys) called and said their daughter had a migraine and was throwing up so the sleepover was out. When they finished their pizza, dad brought our son home (we talked to the dad and he told us about the migraine). (Not sure why I told you all that, but it's already typed, so I'm leaving it )

Apparently while they were at the pizza parlor, ds got a phone call from his girlfriend who asked him to go to a party at her friend's house. Dh asked to speak with the girl's parents and was told they were out buying snacks, but the older sister (20) was there and left in charge. We made the decision (ds's girlfriend and her friend are very nice girls and have good parents) to let ds go, but we were going to call in an hour and talk to the parents.

Time got away from us and he was there for about an hour and a half before we realized we hadn't called. Dh called ds's cell phone and it was turned off. He then called his girlfriend's cell phone and she didn't answer. Luckily we had asked for the home phone number before taking ds and we called that. The older sister answered and when asked, said her parents weren't home. Dh then asked to speak to ds and he came to the phone. He said the parents weren't back yet and the sister was in charge. Dh asked him why his phone was turned off and ds said it was dead .

Dh went and got him and when ds came home I said, "Will, we know Sophie's parents are out of town." He looked shocked and said, "How did you know that?" (Well, I didn't, but had pretty much figured it out. Duh). Anyway, we told him we were very upset with his lying to us and would tell him the consequences today.

So should we ground him? Take away something away? Make him talk to Sophie's parents?

What would you do?

Btw - yes, I know he's young to have a girlfriend, but they've only really been out twice, besides this party, and that was to the movies with a group of kids. They usually just see eachother at school and talk on the phone. And, yes, I know he's awfully young to have a cell phone, but we got it for him when he started walking home from school alone and it comes in handy when he's at a friend's house or in situations like this.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I would probably let this go and say next time I have to talk directly with the parents when you are going out...period.
Fool me once shame on you....fool me twice, shame on me.

 

[dzorn]

I would see if you can block number on his cell to only allow him to call you or DH.

Denise in MI

 

[Stepharoonie!]

I would probably let this go and say next time I have to talk directly with the parents when you are going out...period.
Fool me once shame on you....fool me twice, shame on me.

 

[jcsbama]

I wouldn't let this slip with no punishment. He's only 13. If he knows he can trick you now, he will do it again.

 

[Frantasmic]

Take away the cell phone until you can get that battery fixed.

Then, tell him that the cell phone will ALWAYS be charged and ALWAYS be on and ALWAYS be answered. No use giving someone a phone if it is "busted"

 

[shortbun]

Wow, 13 and these problems arise. Can't wait. I'd find some colateral to remove but not the cell. And, I'd make sure the girls parents knew their 20yo thought it ok to host a private party for 13yo's while they were gone. You know your son better than we do, will he try it again or is he repentent and embarassed? I might give him one more chance but lay out the consequences ahead of time. Sophie sounds incorigable, too bad.

 

[TheDisneyTraveler06]

I'd let it go this time, and make sure there's better communication between everyone next time. (P.S. Make sure that he knows to have his phone charged completely before leaving the house! )

 

[SpecialK]

I wouldn't let this slip with no punishment. He's only 13. If he knows he can trick you now, he will do it again.

Totally agree. If it was my son, he'd be grounded next weekend. He lied about the parents and turned off his cell phone. IMO, that requires a consequence.

 

[daisyduck123]

That would call for a grounding at my house. I don't believe in giving warnings first. A kid will do everything once if they always know they are going to get a warning the first time.

 

[FroggyinArk]

hmmm maybe death by dismemberment? a quick beheading?


or even worse take away the phone and ground him from everything electronic. that one kills em quick at that age,

 

[spazzyjazzy]

He lied about the parents and turned off his cell phone. IMO, that requires a consequence.

I agree. My son will soon be 13. So, I kinda know what you are going through. I tell him all the time you think that I am a couple steps behind you but I am actually 5 steps ahead of you.
I think you need to call the girl's parents and let them know what happened. Maybe this isn't the first time it has happened with them. They have a right to know. For your son, don't take the phone away but he needs to understand that the phone needs to be charged and on at all times. He should be grounded for what he did. These days the slap on the hand doesn't work for kids anymore.

 

[kejoda]

yep agree with him needing a grounding. I would also make a rule that he is not to leave the house without the phone being fully charged and that he checks it every 15 min. to see that he didn't miss a call. Also the first few times I would be calling frequently to make sure he is following the rules.

 

[chamonix]

I think lying is a pretty big issue. Not sure what would be appropriate consequences in this case--consequences, not punishment--it's a simple, natural consequence that when you are caught lying to folks, you lose something big--you lose credibility, and respect.

So, certainly a long conversation on how because of this incident his "reputation" with you is damaged....if you can't believe his word, then you have to treat him as if he is lying at all times, you know? Then, of course, since you can't know if he is lying, then he won't be able to enjoy the fruits of being trusted--being allowed to go to places based on his word of where he is, and why he's there, who else is there, etc etc.

I would suggest some grounding and then some slowwww repairing of his word and trust with you--he needs to understand that trust is earned--and he lost it, so he will need to earn it back. Good luck, and so glad nothing bad happened this time!

 

[AKLRULZ]

Totally agree. If it was my son, he'd be grounded next weekend. He lied about the parents and turned off his cell phone. IMO, that requires a consequence.

Absoultely agree, too. I think parents are too quick to want to befriend children - we're parents, not their best friend. This action needs a punishment to set the bar.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

Aren't teenage boys fun? I have a 14 yr. old.

If it were me, I'd leave the other kid's punishment or lack there of to their parents. Your son needs to be punished, but he's not been bad enough to deserve the moniker of a kid whose parents tell on everyone & gets them in trouble. That would make going to school really tough for him for awhile.

Personally, I would say no talking to the girlfriend for at least a week, & staying home next weekend. You could even throw in a "clean your room, while you have nothing to do" for good measure. The biggest thing I would address would be future consequences for the phone being turned off. Make sure he understands that's never to happen again. Good luck!!! I know how easy it is to say it, but how hard it sometimes is to follow through.

 

[mickeysaver]

The first step is to change that cell phone out to a model that YOU control. May I suggest something like a Firefly?

The next thing is that this is a point in life, just like when the kid was a toddler, he is testing boundries and if you don't stop this sort of POOR choice making now, you are so screwed in the future.

I would certainly notify the girl's parents, they need to know what happened too. I would also let them know that you are going to discourage your son from contacting her outside of school hours for two weeks. There would be no phone privileges for at least two weeks for your son at home or on the cell outside of checking in with you on an as needed basis.

There would be no internet access, there would be no gaming system access, and I would consider limiting TV, stereo, MP3 access too. There would be homework, book reading, chores, and bed. Boring, but with a purpose.

When the two weeks were up, with the girl's parent's blessing, they could begin to contact each other via email or on the house phone. NO outgoing cell phone conversations for him.

They could see one another again outside of school hours, but only with parental supervision, after a successful two weeks of trust building with reestablished contact outside of school. I know it sounds just aweful, but it's the only way that he is going to earn your trust again.

It would be YEARS before I would even consider letting the kids go off with any girl even in a group situation, including a church group situation.

IMHO, we give kids way too much freedom at ages when they are just too young to handle the responsibility that goes along with it. I would hate for you to become a grandma at such a young age. Maggie

 

[spazzyjazzy]

The first step is to change that cell phone out to a model that YOU control. May I suggest something like a Firefly?

The next thing is that this is a point in life, just like when the kid was a toddler, he is testing boundries and if you don't stop this sort of POOR choice making now, you are so screwed in the future.

I would certainly notify the girl's parents, they need to know what happened too. I would also let them know that you are going to discourage your son from contacting her outside of school hours for two weeks. There would be no phone privileges for at least two weeks for your son at home or on the cell outside of checking in with you on an as needed basis.

There would be no internet access, there would be no gaming system access, and I would consider limiting TV, stereo, MP3 access too. There would be homework, book reading, chores, and bed. Boring, but with a purpose.

When the two weeks were up, with the girl's parent's blessing, they could begin to contact each other via email or on the house phone. NO outgoing cell phone conversations for him.

They could see one another again outside of school hours, but only with parental supervision, after a successful two weeks of trust building with reestablished contact outside of school. I know it sounds just aweful, but it's the only way that he is going to earn your trust again.

It would be YEARS before I would even consider letting the kids go off with any girl even in a group situation, including a church group situation.

IMHO, we give kids way too much freedom at ages when they are just too young to handle the responsibility that goes along with it. I would hate for you to become a grandma at such a young age. Maggie

WOW!! I totally love this response.

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

I'd talk to the girls parents, and I would take his phone away for a month. One of the things I told the kids is that having the phone is for my convenience more than theirs. They need to make sure that contact with me is open or they don't use the phone.

Gosh, I love the teen years.

 

[MrsPete]

Totally agree. If it was my son, he'd be grounded next weekend. He lied about the parents and turned off his cell phone. IMO, that requires a consequence.

Yep, a week's grounding for the lie is appropriate. No phone, no TV, no visiting for one week. Well, I'd let him carry the cell to and from school, since you say he walks alone and it's a safety issue -- I mean no phone once he's home from school.

A friend whose advice I trust gave me some good advice years ago: Always give the worst punishment first. That way the kid knows you're serious. If you "work up" to worse punishments, the behavior will continue. If you stomp on the problem the first time, the kid will think twice before doing it again.

And once he's off restriction, emphasize that he is ALWAYS to have his phone fully charged, and he is NEVER to be at the girlfriend's house when her parents are not at home -- even for 15 minutes.