What should DS21 pay for?

[Kristibo42]

My daughter is 20 and in school full time. She pays for her gas. She bought my mother-in-laws van for $500. She also does buy some food. As long as she is in school we pay 1/3 she pays 1/3 and the college I work at pays 1/3 for her tuition. When school in not in session she pays for her cell phone, gas, and car insurance. She is going to a local Community Collage and is getting a nursing degree. With going to the community college and living at home she will not have any students loan. She will be an RN when she is done and out of pocket will only cost us about $7000. Can't beat that. When school is over she will be paying us $300 a month if she is still living at home.

 

[Darcy03231]

DD (21, will be 22 this summer) will be graduating college in December. Her plan is to continue to live at home and pay off her student loans ASAP.

As of right now she pays her car payment, gas, insurance and repairs (her care is 2 years old and has an extended warranty with $100 deductible); her clothing; any extracurricular expenses. We pay the household expenses, part of her schooling, her health insurance, medical co-pays, prescriptions and cell phone.

Once she graduates she'll be picking up all of her personal expenses. We'll continue to let her live with us rent free as long as she's aggressively paying off her student loans.

In your case since your son isn't in school I think he should be paying all of his own expenses other than food/housing/utilities - although he should be paying his own cell phone bill.

 

[amylevan]

I moved home after graduating college, but I had a full time job and an exit strategy (I got engaged soon after graduation). With an "exit plan" in place, my parents were a bit more lenient in what I paid for.

That being said, I was not charged rent or utilities, but everything else that was "mine" was my responsibility: cell phone, car, car insurance, personal items, clothes, lunches, any food that wasn't part of the typical grocery bill, entertainment, etc.

My "rent" was agreeing to take my parents out to dinner every once in a while.

 

[carymomof3]

Our son is 22 and still lives at home. He went to college for one year, but it wasn't for him. He works two part time jobs and is working toward one of them being full time. Our agreement with our children was that if you finished college with a degree, we would assume any loans. If not, it's up to the child. So he pays for his school loan, his car insurance (on our policy, he pays his portion), all car expenses, phone, and all personal expenses (clothes, toiletries, entertainment, health needs etc.). He is covered by his own health insurance through one of his jobs. He does his own laundry and he does all the yard work. We do not charge him rent and do not require him to pay for food. As long as he is respectful and takes care of himself, we are happy to have him continue to live with us while he gets his career off the ground. We do not monitor his pay or his savings, though I know he is putting away quite a bit. As long as an adult child is not a classic "moocher" I don't have a problem with them continuing to live at home. That's the way it used to be in the old days

 

[manning]

What happens to him when both of you are no longer around. Time for him to begin standing on his own.

 

[Janice B]

My DS just turned 21 this month. He is not currently in school and works a full time job as well as a part time job. He is currently registered to go back to school this September. He does not pay rent or food. He does however pay car insurance, personal care products, clothing, cell phone, he pays for half of the car maintenance, as well as all his personal spending. Since he is not currently in school he has no health care coverage until September when he goes back to school. He is responsible for any bills incurred for dental or drugs and when he does go back on our coverage he will be responsible for anything not covered from our plan. We don't charge our son rent or food cause he is saving for school.

 

[jperrot1]

I'm in the field of music. I am a music teacher in a public school. There are plenty of good paying jobs in the field of music. I understand your son has a love for composition. That's great. He can also look into music business as there are jobs in local music stores. Also many local music stores offer private instrument lessons and he could teach instrument lessons. I don't know what instrument your son is the best at but cruise ships are ALWAYS hiring musicians for there performance groups. Carnival cruise line is a good starter for this area of a music performance career. You don't have to be the best player to get and keep a music job on a ship. You just have to be a reliable and accurate player. The field of music is just like any other: there is a range of salary pay from low to very high, but most jobs in this field will land you right into the middle class. Good luck.

 

[erincon23]

What happens to him when both of you are no longer around. Time for him to begin standing on his own.

Uh, I hope that won't be an issue in the next 6 months to a year. We're not talking long-term living at home, folks, as I think I made clear. Geez, a lot of you guys are pretty harsh. The kid's not yet 21 - got a month to go - he's working nearly full time, is saving his money, has every intention of moving out in the near future, and yet many of you think I should be giving him the same treatment I'd give a 35-year-old slacker. He gets up at 3:30 am to get to work by 4 or 4:30 four or five days a week, gigs a couple of nights a week, mows the lawn, does his laundry and does housework, spends a lot of time with his younger brother (who has blossomed with the friendship of his older brother - DS17 has had a hard road), and has a very nice girlfriend who works lots of hours as well.

I'd rather have him save his money while he's living here than pay me rent - he's not taking anything away from our family's finances, and with the career he's trying to develop, he's going to need a financial cushion. I do want him to begin paying more of his own expenses, so he has a better idea of how much it's going to cost him when he's on his own. And I'm a helicoptering, coddling, parent of an immature dependent, advantage-taking child? I don't think so. Thanks, though, to all of you who said they thought it was great that DH and I support him in his dream of a music career! We're not going overboard, I don't think -- and believe me, I have a co-worker who truly is, so I know what that looks like -- just want to give our son the best chance to succeed that we can give him (and we know that our support can only go so far- the majority is up to him). He has said over and over how important our support is to him, and that he knows several kids who's parents weren't supportive -- of their career aspirations, their coming out as gay, whatever -- and how traumatic it was.

So I'll support my son, while helping him to learn financial and emotional independence. I enjoy having him home for the short amount of time I have left to have him here. I'm going to miss the music when he's gone. The suggestion that he should be paying rent is valid, but not put like "you're creating a monster if you don't."

 

[aliceindisneyland]

As OP has resolved her question, may I ask why so many feel that adult children who are college students don't need to work?
I worked more than full time hours and went to college over full time units starting at age 15. I paid 100% of my tuition and books. I can't imagine any undergrad work that is so strenuous that adults cannot both work and go to school.

 

[mhsjax]

Our daughter is 27 & still lives at home. We love having her live here. She works full time. She pays her vehicle payment & insurance, medical insurance & things like that. Anything she wants extra she purchases & of course her clothes, etc.

We charge no rent or anything like that. We enjoy her living here & we'd be paying those expenses even if she moved out.

Our son, age 22, is in college. If he moved back after he finishes he'd get the same deal. He works full time, plus school & is paying his way though school & also paying his vehicle payment. We pay his vehicle & medical Insurance.

Our home is just happier when the kids are here & we like it that way.

We are not quite at this time in our kids lives, but getting pretty close. This has always been our plan, if they want this.

 

[Disneybuckeye]

As OP has resolved her question, may I ask why so many feel that adult children who are college students don't need to work?
I worked more than full time hours and went to college over full time units starting at age 15. I paid 100% of my tuition and books. I can't imagine any undergrad work that is so strenuous that adults cannot both work and go to school.

My son was an engineering undergrad with a dual major. He was studying, in the computer/simulation labs, and in class 12-15 hours a day 5-7 days a week. No, he did not have time to work. He has graduated, has a great job, and worked/interned/co-oped enough to make plenty of money to pay his social expenses and save some money.

My daughter is a varsity athlete. She works 4-5 hours a week, but sport practice and studying to stay well over a 3.5 GPA to hold onto her very large academic scholarship is a much better use of her time. She also interns 40 hours a week duirng the summer as did our middle son.

OP, that is great that you want and are able to help your son. I agree he is still a young adult and you are not sentencing him to a life of free loading off others by letting him live rent free. I am glad you came up with a plan that works for all of you and I hope your son finds success in the music field.

Based on everyone's comments I should be a dead beat adult with no hope of surviving in the real world as my parents helped me out quite a bit. I hate to disappoint you all, but we have a house that is almont paid off and worth many hundreds of thousands of dollars, three paid off cars, a well funded retirement account, and are finishing up putting our last child through college. You don't have to pay for everything by yourself from the time you are 15 to be a financially responsible adult.

 

[photos_101]

I really don't think it has to be that straight forward for everyone.

Does my DD have to work full time? No. Does she have to work at all? Well, technically no. However, she has to earn a basic income from somewhere. She could go pick up aluminum cans, if she would rather. But she DOES have to pay her bills each month. So she chooses to work the 24hrs a week.
To see the look of accomplishment over the last couple years each time she gets her check and pays her bills is wonderful. I know she is very proud of herself and now she knows that she can do anything she sets her mind to.
It is a win win for everyone. We have so much respect for each other that I would not change anything we are doing.

She will be a Junior at the local University and has been on the Dean's all A honor roll every semester. She studies ALOT, because she has scholarships that are dependant on her GPA.

She basically has one day off a week. Sundays and she is usually spending it doing homework or her passion of photography.
Just because we make her pay her bills (2 whole bills, cell and car ins) doesn't mean we are not supporting her. But there is a difference between supporting and being supportive, in my opinion. We will FOREVER be supportive of her but she is learning to support herself each time she gets paid and has to see where all her money goes. (ie, car ins, gas, tags/taxes on car, maintenance, food, personal supplies, extra college expenses, meds and a whole lot more that she pays on her own). She doesn't even ask if she needs to pay for that stuff, she knows she is an adult and just does it.
Believe me she would paying SO MUCH more if she had to pay her own health ins, rent, utilities and such. She knows this and is grateful for a comfortable home to live in and is thrilled when she can deposit most of her paycheck into a savings account. With more than enough left to pay bills, gas and entertainment.

I set the rule that my kids can live her rent free as long as they are full time students. If they chose to take the path of no education and would rather work full time then so be it. But if they are going to choose that path then they need to realize that I expect them to earn enough to pay their own way. Rent/utilities and everything that goes with living on your own. Can they live here? Sure but it would cost them about as much as having a roommate so pretty sure they would choose the latter. lol
Why do I put it that way? Well if they choose education, I understand that part of their day will be spent in classes thus may keep them from working as much. If they aren't in school, well, they have plenty of time to work and need to pay more.
I love my kids and would do anything to help them. But I also know they are fully capable of taking care of themselves. If/when the time comes that they feel they cannot, for whatever reason, they know that we are here to help them AND we know that they truly are in need if they ask because we have taught them to be independent adults.
I have yet to see doom come to a young adult who has to take responsibily for themselves. (although I have seen some that think that way) haha!

 

[danygirl]

My kids all work. The oldest is a college student, 23. We pay his tuition, he pays his rent in his apartment and pays for his food, etc. We give him some gifts and help if needed, but since he moved out we really only pay for his school. we also keep him on our car insurance, and pay for any medical (he is on our health and dental of course)

DD 2 is 20. She lives at home in the summer but is in school full time during the school year. We took her total room board and tuition and applied her scholarships and came up with a number about equal to what we pay for her brother. She is responsible for the rest. She works all year, fewer hours during school, more in the summer. I pay for her cell phone, car insurance and allow her to use one of our cars during the summer (if they want a car at school they have to buy it themselves, unless there is a truly valid reason).

What do my kids gain by paying their own way (or at least a good chunk of it)
1. PRIDE in themselves
2. Commitment to doing well in school since they have lots of skin in the game
3. They learn how to budget and plan and how to get the most from their money
4. They learn the concept of deferred gratification.

If they quit school and wanted to live at home, they would be paying rent unless they were pursuing a skilled trade. If they wanted to pursue music full time (and all my kids are talented) they would have to be going to school. I have two friends with kids my son's age who are pursuing music as a career. All three of these kids (one set of twins) went to school while pursuing their dreams. Any all three of these kids are actually VERY successful. One has gone on several world tours with his band, yet takes online classes. The other two have performed with very famous folks, yet managed to graduate from college in 5 years with good grades while actively writing and recording as well as touring some. And I can tell you that all of these kids have contributed financially to support themselves more than just paying their cell phone and part of their school loans. And that is part of why they are successful.

 

[Suz D]

He's thrifty, and saves quite a bit of his check already - always has, and he still has quite a bit in savings, despite not having worked (a regular job - he's done all kinds of other things -- live sound, recording, gigging and a host of odd jobs). He already pays half the school loan - the agreement was that we would pick up part of it, and he pays the other part, so that's taken care of. It's not much anyway.

I read this as "giggling" the first time through. What kind of job is giggling? I'm such dork!

 

[writersblock42]

As soon as I saw this post...I knew you were in trouble. I will not repeat what everyone else has mentioned. One thing to consider is with college loans the expectation is that the person taking out the loan will have a higher paying job because of the education that loan was taken out for. This is not the case (and frequently not the case in today's economy and among liberal art majors). So he does have that payment to deal with without the added income. Some parents choose to pay for all of college and some part. I think you are getting off really cheaply in the college bill so I think it is ok to make up for that by letting him stay there rent free. I do think that he should be paying for all his personal items if not more for an independent, freedom, and privacy reason than anything else. You say that he is a pleasant person to live with and there are no arguments regarding finances. I had frequent ones with my parents. They held it over my head all the time and used it to manipulate my decisions. As a result, I cut off all financial contributions from them gradually.

 

[cndij]

The one thing I would consider is charging him enough money so that he has a realistic idea of what he can afford.

It's hard to ever feel like you can afford to move out if you aren't used to paying the mundane bills of rent, elec, car, etc... And it's easy to think you can afford a bigger lifestyle (in terms of entertainment and "things") if you aren't used to paying for the mundane things from your paycheck.

This.... I know every family's dynamics are different, but my parents made me give them 25% of my take home pay for rent/room and board, starting with my first job at age 15. I knew then, as I know now, that it was to teach me to be responsible, and a life lesson, that many kids and even adults don't seem to know today. As long as he is doing his part, financially and household chores etc., let him live there as long as he wants, however, responsibility is a life lesson, that is as important to his development as an adult, as your support is.

Now I know you've probably gotten more advice here than you wanted, but at least it gives you a glimpse into what other families do and their reasons for doing so.

 

[mom2rose&john]

My oldest son turns 21 next month. He lives at home (for now) and works part time (35 hours at Starbucks) while he's trying to get a music career going. He doesn't go to school. Currently, he pays for his own entertainment, his gas (we own the car he uses), and gives us $75/mo, which pays his portion of a school loan, some of his cell phone, and some of his car insurance.

We've told him that when he turns 21, he'll have to pay a much greater share of his expenses. I'll continue to buy the food for the family, and we won't charge him rent as such (DH and I have already decided on this, so no need to address it). He stays on our health insurance, and it doesn't cost any more to cover him specifically. I've told him that he will be paying any medical co-pays and any resulting bills from medical appointments -- he's a healthy kid, so that shouldn't be a big deal. He'll pay for his prescriptions (1 at $10/month currently). I think he should pay for the majority of the insurance on the car he drives (DS17 also drives that car occasionally, so I won't make DS20 pay the whole bill), and all of his cell phone bill. Does that all sound reasonable so far?

Beyond that -- does he buy his own personal care products (shampoo, deodorant, etc)? All his own clothes and shoes? DH and I are planning to sit down with him before his birthday and have a financial planning meeting, so he knows this is coming. I want him to be saving to move out -- he had been planning to move this fall, but since he just recently, within the month, got a job after being out of work for 6 months, I don't think that will happen. He's more than welcome to stay for another year or so -- he's very pleasant to live with and it's good for his brother to have him here (but DS17 goes away to college in a year as well). Anything I've missed?

I think that it is great you are taking a proactive approach with your son. So many of my friends with older children only complain what their children are not doing instead of setting parameters and goals. Kudos to you.

In addition to what you are going to have him pay for I think that he should pay for all of his clothing, any entertainment that isn't pertaining to the whole family, perhaps a larger portion of the car insurance since he will be driving for work more often.


I have read some comments and some are rather harsh but only you know the entire situation of your family dynamic.

I have a second cousin who is now 52 yo. He is a great musician and wonderful person. He also spent much of his teens and twenties trying to break into the major music industry. For many years my great aunt (his mother) helped him out by paying the bills when he couldn't, footing the demos he would have to make and other things. She did this without complaint and to the day she died was not remorseful for "wasting" (as so many family members said she was doing) money on him. She loved and believed in him regardles if he was a dirt poor or a big wig executive. He is majorly talented and a hard worker. Well, luck never fell on him and after trying for many years never hit it big. He does have a few songs that were recorded but they never went anywhere. He decided to become an Physical Therapist. He is very successful in this field and has never given up music. He is also the most appreciative person because of what his mother taught him. Never give up your dream but always realize that you may have to do other things to make ends meet. You seem like my great aunt. I hope your son turns out like my second cousin regardless of what profesion he is in.