What should DS21 pay for?

[Patience]

We want to increase his financial contributions at this point because 1) he needs to have an understanding of how much it's going to cost to live on his own (we have also discussed budgeting and utility costs, etc. with him); and 2) so he doesn't get too comfortable living at home, with us paying everything. We're not charging him rent because we want him to save that as a cushion for when he moves out, and beyond food, he really doesn't cost us much to live here (as long as he's paying his expenses, which is what I was asking about in the first place!).

Well, with those goals in mind, I would have him pay for all of his personal expenses (cell phone, his own gas, insurance co-pays including the prescription drug co-pay, haircuts, clothing, his share of the car insurance, entertainment and his one-half of the student loan). I would also charge him a nominal amount of "rent" to cover his food costs at home and his share of the electric bill so he will learn how to budget his money. I think $200 for this would be reasonable while still being cheaper than if he were living on his own with a roomate and will send him the message that he is an adult who needs to start paying his own way.

 

[palmbeachmom]

At that age, I'd think all his personal expenses (clothes, shoes, gas, medical, etc) should be covered by him. I think it's smart that you aren't going to charge him the whole amount of the car insurance; that wouldn't be fair. One thing you could do is charge him a minimal rent, but instead of using it for your housing expenses put it away in an account - and when DS is ready to move out, you could give it back to him as a security deposit on an apartment.

and doing the minimal rent thing to hold in savings for a security deposit is a fantastic idea! even at a small amount like $50 would add up fast, and when he does venture out on his on, it will be such a relief to him to have that security deposit ready, especially if he is going to a high rent place where first, last and security is required.

 

[Mad4Mickey]

My son is 24 and has come back home due to his room mate moving his girlfriend in and then having a baby

He just left last year in Aug so he pretty much has always lived at home . We have never charged him rent . This time when he came home we told him no rent but he only has 90 days and he has to be out . If he stays past that he must pay 400 a month needless to say he is looking really hard.

 

[scrapquitler]

I have absolutely no problem with him pursuing his dream. I'm very happy my parents did not kick me out while I was pursuing mine. I find the dis attitude of 21 and financially independent very interesting.

My dh and my mantra has always been that we will help anyone who is actively helping themselves.
My son is 21 and a part time student and works part time. He pays his gas and personal items. He must save 15% of his paycheck, he pays for his care repairs. we pay for his insurance but truthfully a 20 year old nissan maxima with 250K adds maybe 10 bucks a month to our car insurance. He pays his cell phone.
I do not charge him rent. him living in my house does not create any more significant increase in living expenses and he is great wtih helping out.

When I was 21 and had just graduated from college, I moved home for a year while I looked for a job and was preparing to get married (for one year). I paid: all expenses related to my car, including my portion of the insurance policy that was in my parents name. My own health insurance. My student loans. All of my personal expenses (toiletries, gas, entertainment, clothes, etc etc).

My parents paid all the regular household bills and groceries, but I did buy some groceries most weeks (I had two jobs, and one of them was in a good store, so Mom often asked me to pick things up on the way home, and I always paid for those things, plus I bought extra things I wanted that she didn't buy).

I did give them about $200 a month (this was back in 1989-1990) and I didn't know at the time, but they were saving that to help with the wedding expenses, so it turned out to be like forced savings.

 

[Kellydelly]

If you really want opinions, I think that having a 20 yr old who is probably clearing at least $900 a month in wages (guessing) only $75 a month to you to cover his expenses is really, really low. He has it made, why would he move out? He should pay his full cell phone bill, his full auto expenses, personal items, and definately his whole student loan bill if he did not finish his degree and has decided to go off in a different direction (didn't see if you posted if his schooling has to do with music or if he actually got a degree). He is either living it up or has a ton of money in the bank right now . I would definately have him contribute more ! He must have tons of money to blow on his girlfriend, I bet she is happy with your arrangement .

 

[Gumbo4x4]

I used to pay $75 a week for rent, no utilities, and my folks bought the food (I had to pay for anything I wanted that wasn't on Mom's normal list). Bought my own clothes, my own car, my own insurance (car, life, and health), and my portion of the phone bill - no cell phones in those days. This was a little over 20 years ago.

It was cheaper than it would have been out on my own, so I always thought it was more than fair.

 

[momof2gr8kids]

I would make him pay rent (along with the other things you mentioned), but I would set it up in a joint account that only you and him can withdraw together and tell him that's for a year down the road when he moves out. He can use that towards his apartment, or you can use it to pay off his student loan debt, or whatever will help give him a good start.

I would charge him a little less than the going rate for rent. You are saving it for him, so you are helping him when he gets it back, but it gives him a realistic view of what life will be like when he moves out.

I know many parents who help out the kids, let them not pay for things so they can save their money but that savings never happens.

A good friend of mine, a couple of months after she was married, was really struggling with budgeting because she had no clue how much things cost and said she wished her parents had made her pay for things herself so she would have learned!

 

[Lisa71]

When my cousins were not in school they paid rent and most of it was returned when they moved out. Full-time students should focus on school and pay cell phone, personal fun, etc. I did not pay rent until I moved out at 21 while still in college. My sister also no rent while in school. Working and making a dream come true means you can pay some rent.

 

[MSSANDRA]

I'm glad that my parents and DH's parents never read this post. We both lived at home between graduating and getting married and we were both well into our 20's. Neither parents wanted rent or help with the house hold expenses, though I think DH paid for the cable bill. We both had full time jobs and we did pay all our all personal expenses though my mom almost always picked up the shampoo etc that she knew I liked. We both bought cars during this time and we of course paid all those expenses. What both of our parents did was encourage us to SAVE that money and we did. We went directly from our parents home into our marriage and we were in VERY good shape. Both had paid for cars that we drove for the next ten years, and a great down payment on our starter home and no debt. It did not teach us to be dependent, but rather gave us a head start in our future. Almost 25 year late, we have bought our second home,live debt free and know how to live within our means and hope to help our boys in the same way once they graduate college. Now, no way would we let them get away with not working or trying to get a job or going to school and doing nothing, but we are thankful that our parents gave us that start and it worked for us!!!

 

[tnd]

I can't really speak from experience because my kids are young and I moved out of my parents' home at 18 for college and never went back. But that said, I think he should pay for all his own personal expenses. I can't imagine paying for clothes, toiletries, etc. for a 21 year old who has a job and does not pay rent/utilities. I started paying for those on my own at about 14 with my babysitting money. It sounds like you are not going to charge rent, and that is fine if it works for your family, but I would expect him to cover anything that you would not pay for if he were not living with you. I would also expect him to chip in with household chores and maintenance.

 

[erincon23]

If you really want opinions, I think that having a 20 yr old who is probably clearing at least $900 a month in wages (guessing) only $75 a month to you to cover his expenses is really, really low. He has it made, why would he move out? He should pay his full cell phone bill, his full auto expenses, personal items, and definately his whole student loan bill if he did not finish his degree and has decided to go off in a different direction (didn't see if you posted if his schooling has to do with music or if he actually got a degree). He is either living it up or has a ton of money in the bank right now . I would definately have him contribute more ! He must have tons of money to blow on his girlfriend, I bet she is happy with your arrangement .

Like I said - he just started this job a month ago after not working for 6 months, so we don't know how much he's clearing at this point (although it should be at least $900/month). I'm not worried about him blowing it on the girlfriend -- she's very thrifty also, and has a similar arrangement at home. If I find that he's spending out of control, the rules at home will change, but I don't expect that to happen.

He did go to school for music (one semester in jazz, then changed direction for one semester in musical theatre, now he's trying to get a blues/rock/composing career going). He only had a total of $5500 in loans, and we're paying 1/2 of them, which had been agreed on before he took the loans out. Loan payments are minimal.

So here it is, thank you all - any health payments other than insurance (including his contacts), clothing, gas, (a share of car) insurance, cell phone, personal care items, student loan, contribute to any repairs needed on the car. And, of course, all his own entertainment/eating out/travel. As long as we're seeing consistent savings and effort put into the music career, he's in good shape. Thanks all for your opinions!

 

[Tinkmom]

Like I said - he just started this job a month ago after not working for 6 months, so we don't know how much he's clearing at this point (although it should be at least $900/month). I'm not worried about him blowing it on the girlfriend -- she's very thrifty also, and has a similar arrangement at home. If I find that he's spending out of control, the rules at home will change, but I don't expect that to happen.

He did go to school for music (one semester in jazz, then changed direction for one semester in musical theatre, now he's trying to get a blues/rock/composing career going). He only had a total of $5500 in loans, and we're paying 1/2 of them, which had been agreed on before he took the loans out. Loan payments are minimal.

So here it is, thank you all - any health payments other than insurance (including his contacts), clothing, gas, (a share of car) insurance, cell phone, personal care items, student loan, contribute to any repairs needed on the car. And, of course, all his own entertainment/eating out/travel. As long as we're seeing consistent savings and effort put into the music career, he's in good shape. Thanks all for your opinions!

That sounds like a good plan. As one who had to work pretty much fulltime hours since 10th grade and who had practically no parental support, I think it is a very good thing when parents do support their children for a bit into young adulthood, especially when they are showing mature financial decisions and are working a job and trying to set up a more long-term career.

Good luck to your son!

 

[skatalite]

I haven't read all the replies but here are my thoughts:

He should pay rent, his cell phone bill, gas for the car, his portion of car insurance, any medical situations (since he's on your insurance), his entertainment, school loan, clothes and hygiene products, and $50 to contribute to groceries each month.

That might sound harsh, but if he has money for extra curricular things, then he has money for bills. You'll be helping him out by introducing him to a greater sense of reality.

 

[dreamin_disney]

at 16 I worked about 15 hours a week. I was in high school so I was limited how many hours I could work.

I paid for my own shampoo, hair spray ,entertainment, lunch money and clothes

at 18
I paid for
-my own car insurance(bought used paid cash)
-clothes
-entertainment
-hair products
-gas for car
-car maintnance
- my portion of phone bill
- any personal bills

at age 21-24 I worked 2 jobs 25 hours a week at one and about 15-25 at the 2nd job
-my own car insurance(bought used paid cash)
-clothes
-entertainment
-hair products
-gas for car
-car maintnance
-home gas bill( about $20-$25)
-water bill ( about $20-$25)
-my portion of phone bill
-beeper month payment-lol!
-electricity ($30-$40)
-any special food and snack I wanted
-any personal bills, creditcard

this was 20 years ago so no sewer cost and we had the swamp type cooler up on the roof-lol!

at age 26 dh and I moved in together and bought our house
and house payment was $1250
-we had water, sewer,trash,high electric due to central air luckily, food bill, phone bill, medical insurance, new baby, car insurance, home insurance, you get the picture-lol! having responsiblity helped us manage having a home otherwise we would have been in shock and probably lost our home. We've now been here 14 1/2 years



DD14- we buy her school clothes , shoes and under garments, school lunch, school acticities etc

any extra clothes she wants to buy random she pays for herself. she buys her own junk food like chips and candy. She's learned the value of a dollar when she was little and wanted junk from dollar store we would make her buy junk with her own money. She learned fast. She has about $350 saved from her Bday from Dec. She has her own atm with $50 that she is carefully spending.

I think at 21 your son should be paying for a lot more. If you dont prepare him he will be in for a big shock once he's on his own.
he should be paying for his
-car insurance
-gas
-clothes
-entertainment
-personal hygene stuff
-cell phone
-school loan, creditcards or personal bills he has
-$100, $150 or $200 towards rent

 

[MrsPete]

He's lived on his own -- in an apartment while he was at school, and did just fine. I'm sure he will again!


We're supporting him in his dream. It's up to him to make the dream come true. WE don't believe in sink or swim - he's working toward what he wants out of his life, and we're helping him get there. If your family chooses to do things differently, that's completely your business. I'm just trying to figure out at this point what WE want him to pay for.

Respectfully, he may've lived on his own in an apartment for the short time he was in school, but he did not support himself during that time (you + loans); thus, he doesn't have a real idea of what it costs to live on your own. Few of us really grasp that lesson 'til we experience it.

I also don't believe in sink or swim, but that's not what I see described here. Rather, I'm seeing that you're outfitting him in blow-up "swimmies" and paddling alongside him in a canoe to prevent him from experiencing any difficulties. I'm hearing enabling rather than supporting. I'm hearing excuses about why he can't be accountable for his own expenses: He's trying to break into a difficult career field, he's paying back a loan, he's been out of work, he's not sure whether he needs a car or not. These are things that happen in life, and we learn to be resourceful adults by working through these things. Supportive parents help their adult children maneuver the difficulties of life; they don't do it for them.

He knows that other young men his age are managing these things on their own, and he knows that he's not doing that. By coddling him to this degree, you're sending him a message: I don't think you're capable of managing this on your own. While it may seem supportive at the moment, it's cutting his legs out from under him in the long run.

I don't think any of the specifics you've mentioned are necessarily bad when looked at alone: Him living at home, him still driving a car that you provided for him . . . but when you put them all together, you're looking at an adult who is still living (financially) like a high school student. I mean, really, he's not paying for his own shampoo? I also don't see any problem with occasionaly financial help; for example, "I see that your tires are worn -- I'd like to get you a new set for your birthday next month." But you paying shouldn't be the default.

Have you read the book The Millionaire Next Door? You might be interested to see the author's study on the impact of parents helping a little vs. helping a lot.

We want to increase his financial contributions at this point because 1) he needs to have an understanding of how much it's going to cost to live on his own (we have also discussed budgeting and utility costs, etc. with him); and 2) so he doesn't get too comfortable living at home, with us paying everything. We're not charging him rent because we want him to save that as a cushion for when he moves out, and beyond food, he really doesn't cost us much to live here (as long as he's paying his expenses, which is what I was asking about in the first place!).

That's pretty much what I said. He needs to have an understanding of what it costs to live, and he isn't going to gain that understanding while you're paying for everything.

I suggest that you keep some records of what you're spending. I know that our food and electricity bills went down when our daughter moved into a college dorm. Now that she's back home for the summer, I suspect they'll go up again. Her car insurance (and we have a high deductible) costs almost as much as mine and my husband's and the house insurance combined -- admittedly, she's 19, so her insurance would cost more than a 21 year old's.

That might sound harsh, but if he has money for extra curricular things, then he has money for bills. You'll be helping him out by introducing him to a greater sense of reality.

Harsh, yes, but I agree. It's not a favor to let a barely-out-of-school kid believe he can live high on the hog on an entry-level salary. The result is that when he moves out on his own and realizes that he can't afford this-or-that luxury (when that luxury always felt like a standard back in mom and dad's house), it will feel like a slap in the face.

 

[MagicalMawMaw]

Our daughter is 27 & still lives at home. We love having her live here. She works full time. She pays her vehicle payment & insurance, medical insurance & things like that. Anything she wants extra she purchases & of course her clothes, etc.

We charge no rent or anything like that. We enjoy her living here & we'd be paying those expenses even if she moved out.

Our son, age 22, is in college. If he moved back after he finishes he'd get the same deal. He works full time, plus school & is paying his way though school & also paying his vehicle payment. We pay his vehicle & medical Insurance.

Our home is just happier when the kids are here & we like it that way.

 

[Cynt]

Can I move in? I'll double his $75 and pay you $150. I already pay for everything else - my insurance, car loan & insurance, cell and personal items.

 

[hsmamato2]

I think a lot of responses here are based on parental love...and not wanting our kids to leave home...I get it,I do,as I am somewhat in the same boat....we all love our 'kids' and will miss that everyday being with us kind of living....but I do think a lot of parents enable their kids to live like...well,kids,even though it's not really helping them live like real time grownups. I am trying to find a balance myself, between "I love you,never leave" to " you are a grown person, get out and live your life"
I say keep supporting our 'kids' (adults) to help them get places, but don't enable them to be children...it's not a solid basis for adult responsibilties....
We as parents do our offspring a favor by teaching them early that you life all about being responsible for oneself.

 

[CathiVee]

My oldest son turns 21 next month. He lives at home (for now) and works part time (35 hours at Starbucks) while he's trying to get a music career going. He doesn't go to school. Currently, he pays for his own entertainment, his gas (we own the car he uses), and gives us $75/mo, which pays his portion of a school loan, some of his cell phone, and some of his car insurance.

We've told him that when he turns 21, he'll have to pay a much greater share of his expenses. I'll continue to buy the food for the family, and we won't charge him rent as such (DH and I have already decided on this, so no need to address it). He stays on our health insurance, and it doesn't cost any more to cover him specifically. I've told him that he will be paying any medical co-pays and any resulting bills from medical appointments -- he's a healthy kid, so that shouldn't be a big deal. He'll pay for his prescriptions (1 at $10/month currently). I think he should pay for the majority of the insurance on the car he drives (DS17 also drives that car occasionally, so I won't make DS20 pay the whole bill), and all of his cell phone bill. Does that all sound reasonable so far?

Beyond that -- does he buy his own personal care products (shampoo, deodorant, etc)? All his own clothes and shoes? DH and I are planning to sit down with him before his birthday and have a financial planning meeting, so he knows this is coming. I want him to be saving to move out -- he had been planning to move this fall, but since he just recently, within the month, got a job after being out of work for 6 months, I don't think that will happen. He's more than welcome to stay for another year or so -- he's very pleasant to live with and it's good for his brother to have him here (but DS17 goes away to college in a year as well). Anything I've missed?

I am 25 years old and I can tell you what my parents did. I was in the same boat as him when he was 21. Since I was still in college, I had a few part time jobs. I can tell you that my parents started having me pay for my own clothes and "going out stuff" (movies, out to eat with friends, etc) on my own when I was 18. Once I got a credit card at 21, my dad told me to only use for gas (to get a good credit score) and I was to pay for that on my own as well. It wasn't until I got a FT job that he had a financial discussion with me and gave me ALL my bills.

I still live at home (I have a good FT job, but since I live in Jersey it's damn near impossible to find a reasonably priced apartment) and my mom pays for household items, like shampoo, grocery, etc. When we go out to eat though, I will always offer to pay for my meal, especially if I order an alcoholic drink (which I am sure he is doing since he is 21).

I would think that what you are having him pay for now is great. But once he gets a FT job, have him pay everything (I pay car insurance, student loans, cell phone bill, car payments, credit card payments, etc.).

I would still def. sit down with him and have that discussion. My parents did it with me and it has taught me to become a very independent person, financially. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Good luck

 

[msmama]

I'm another one who thinks he should be paying as much as possible. While saving money is a good thing I don't think he should be doing it at your expense.

I am well into my 30s and my mom will still pick up something at the store for me if I ask (if I need milk, shampoo, etc) and she is going to the store so I think the occasional thing is fine, but if you are providing him a rent free place to live he should be paying for everything else.