What she needs does not equal what we owe

[Kay7979]

I just need to vent a bit, and I don't know if there is an answer or a solution to this. It looks like DH's exwife is breaking up with her husband. Now of course she will be poorer than usual, and they were never very well off. Dh's ex has custody of their three children, (she had none with the new husband) and we pay child support. Two are graduating this year, they are currently 17 and 19. The 19 year old may go on to college with his grandparent's financial help, but the 17 year old has no interest in college. That leaves one more under 18 by this summer, who is 16.

Now, the Ex is asking DH for MORE child support since she doesn't earn much and will be cash strapped. We are paying a fair amount of child support now based on his income, plus splitting the cost of all three kid's braces. If anything, I would think we should soon owe less rather than more, considering the kids are getting out of school. Just becasue she NEEDS extra money doesn't mean we OWE extra money. Of course I don't want the kids to be in need, and I am not hard-hearted, but it is very frustrating for her problems to become our problems. Have any of you ever been in a situation like this? What are your thoughts?

 

[Skatermom23]

I agree with you!

 

[melanie18]

I don't think you're being hard hearted either. Just because her situation has changed, doesn't mean you owe more money. Stick with your gut.

 

[Beth76]

What about alimony from her soon-to-be-ex-husband? It seems like if their marriage is breaking up that it should be up to him to provide for her. Her needs for her kids shouldn't be changing.

 

[mtblujeans]

IMHO: Some ex-wives, who cannot make for themselves the lifestyle they would be comfortable with, are in a frame-of-mind that their ex-hubby will/should "take care of them". This sounds bad, but....here goes.....your DH should suggest to her that she take on a second job if she needs more money. I'll be waiting, with my flame-proof suit on, over in the corner......

 

[Stacerita]

I have to agree....just because she needs extra money doesn't mean you owe extra money.

 

[Disney_1derland]

Her soon to be ex could owe her alimony but I don't think that your dh should be responsible for making up her other expenses. What is the legally binding agreement that you have with her? That is all you are bound by unless she chooses to take your dh back to court to have it amended.

 

[Kay7979]

What about alimony from her soon-to-be-ex-husband? It seems like if their marriage is breaking up that it should be up to him to provide for her. Her needs for her kids shouldn't be changing.

I don't think anyone pays alimony anymore, do they? When I was divorced a couple decades ago, the lawyer told me that usually if a wife works and a husband works, that's the end of it. Husbands typically don't pay alimony unless they make a LOT more than the wife. Alimony seems to have become obsolete. No ???? In any case, his name is on their car payment and their mortgage, but I wouldn't trust him to actually pay on either. He doesn't make much, and he has to live somewhere himself, so I really doubt he'll have much left over to support her. Plus, last time they had a fight he went out and bought a brand new truck!!! Once he woke up to how dumb that was, when they could barely make ends meet already, he had to take a second job in order to pay the truck payment. No, I don't hold a lot of hope for him contributing anything.

 

[MidgeD79]

Unfortunatly it doesn't matter what she wants orwhat you want, the court has a financial program, based on all parties income and the number of kids, that determines what the amount of child support will be. Emotions are taken out of the equation.

 

[Robindianne]

Does your state have child support guidelines they follow? If so, then I'd suggest going to a consultation (usually not full-price) w/a child support attorney. I did this and he was very honest about what "counted" in the equation (not sure if her divorce-to-be would count) and what didn't. That way you/DH will either be prepared or be reassured.

Also, (putting on my flame retardent suit too) there is a difference between what an adult parent feels they need/deserve/want to be comfortable and what the children need/deserve. She may think she deserves/needs more money but the state may not agree. My DH will be paying spousal support plus part of his retirement forever. Literally. And he has no children w/his ex but supported her and her 4 kids for 18 years and (of course I only know one side) treated them as his own, wanted to adopt them, etc. But, it turned out poorly because he left her and not vice versa (imho). We adult women need to support ourselves sometime. I know women don't typically earn what men do and I'm not sure how or if that can be fixed but is it our exes fault and should they have to pay us for it? Not imho (she said, ducking low for cover).

Good luck to you and best wishes.

 

[HeatherFeather]

Hi Kay,

Have DH look at his divorce decree and see what it says about when child support stops. Most states say 18 or when child graduates from HS whichever is LATER, so if child is held back non custodial gets and extra year or so of CS payments. There are a few states that have non custodial paying until child is 22 or graduates college. Please check your divorce decree, state guidelines, and see if you can find a child support calculator to plug numbers in.

From a moral standpoint, I totally agree with you. Why should you have to pay for her personal problems?

 

[graygables]

Unfortunatly it doesn't matter what she wants orwhat you want, the court has a financial program, based on all parties income and the number of kids, that determines what the amount of child support will be. Emotions are taken out of the equation.

That's how it is in Ohio. If either party's income changes and the support would change more than 10% (either up or down), either can ask for an adjustment. There is a minimum amount for income that they count (since I'm a WAHM, my income is actually bumped *up* to whatever the state thinks I'm worth). Also, here, it is 18 *and* completed high school, so when a child turns 18 and graduates, there is no more financial obligation, no obligation for insurance, nothing.

 

[Kimickey]

I totally agree with the OP. My soon to be ex mother in law tried to pull this card when her last child graduated from high school several years ago. Mind you she remarried over 17 years ago. MIL took soon to be ex-dh's FIL to court for more child support and the judge laughed in her face and basically told her. That just because you are not makes x-amount of money and your last child is graduating from HS does not intitle you to more money. Her basis was that FIL lived a certain life style and it was not fair. The judge told her "too bad" make your current husband get off of is butt and work harder.

 

[CarolA]

I have a friend whose ex wife seems to think that "child support" is actually "mommy support" Well, it's not. The court actually told her that if she showed up again asking for more money she would be in contempt.....

The last thing to send her over the edge was when my friend quit paying for his 18 year old son. The son is in college and he sends some cash to the boy each month for his expenses Mom wants money sent to her too, but she has no legal grounds since the son no longer lives at home (You should have seen that great line of resoning... "I need money in case he ever comes by")

The saddest part here is that thanks to the NUMEROUS court filings by Mom we ALL know her income too. She actually makes more then her ex, but spends MORE then that! It's hard to feel sorry for her.

My friend routinely volunteers to take over full custody since Mom can't afford it, but.... (Of course during this time the kids have spent 70 to 80% of their time at DAD's, but dad does not want to sue for custody since the kids would be caught in the middle)

 

[drakethib]

Sounds like she needs to get a her soon to be ex to help out with their expenses.

 

[aprilgail2]

I don't think anyone pays alimony anymore, do they? Alimony seems to have become obsolete. No ????.

It should be! I don't htink anyone should have to pay alimony....sure if theres a child then for sure they should pay child support..but an adult should not have to pay another adult money if no kids are involved....unless there were issues like one was disabled or something but otherwise they should just go out and get a job and support themselves!!

 

[mrsheppo]

My DH's ex is like this. She still thinks that he should support HER and that the "piddly" little amount that he sends each month is not enough to support everyone. She was very upset this past month when he stopped paying CS on his son that just turned 18. DS had stopped going to school several years ago and though we tried to get him back in school, all our efforts failed. She thinks support should still be paid because he still lives at home.

When they were first divorced he was paying $260 a month per child X 6 kids, so she was getting $1,560 a month plus he paid all for insurance even though she was to pay half the premium. Many months he would send her an additional $1,000-$2,000.

One by one the 4 of the kids have turned 18, graduated, gone to college, dropped out and all moved back home. His ex still believes we should keep sending as much money as before. She has remarried and she complains that her husband doesn't having the earning potential mine does so that's why she think my DH should keep forking over the dough. He still pays for the 2 kids that are still under 18 and will continue to do so until they have reached the age of majority.

She refuses to get the oldest kids out working, they are 24 and 23 and she quit her job because she didn't make enough money.

Her last comment was that things were so much better for her until I came along because once I married him, her extra cash flow stopped.

 

[Wish I lived in Fl]

It should be! I don't htink anyone should have to pay alimony....sure if theres a child then for sure they should pay child support..but an adult should not have to pay another adult money if no kids are involved....unless there were issues like one was disabled or something but otherwise they should just go out and get a job and support themselves!!

Isn't usually temporary money for retraining?

If either spouse puts their career second to allow the other spouse to rise at work by moving, or supporting them through schooling, or not working outside the house so first spouse can work irregular hours:
Then that should be taken into consideration.

My Mom moved 18 times in 16 years of marriage. She wasn't paid any alimoney but should have been. It is very difficult to re enter the labor force at a living wage, especially as an older woman. Old for women is about 45, old for men about 55.

 

[Wish I lived in Fl]

Child support shouldn't be decided by what custodial parent wants.

But consider how much would it cost if adult kids moved in with you. Would it cost more or less than ex is asking for?

Young adults can't possibly afford to live on their own in our area. Minimum figure for one person was $40,000/year before housing prices doubled.

DS's drum teacher was renting a 1 bedroom apt for 2,000 a month. Nothing fancy.
When he unexpectedly lost his full time job and roommate he had to go back to his parents and is sleeping on their couch.

 

[Lachesis00]

My MIL got smart. Only one kid was left @ home (out of 5) when she divorced. She had it written in the divorce papers what her now ex HAD to provide for the youngest. Which was agreed on by both parties. She knew he'd play games as he did with the other 4.
Of course her husband tried to get her to sign over his retirement benefits to wife #2 Yeah that went over. Good thing she didn't b/c he is on wife #3.