What is with the trend toward extravagant weddings

[mjkacmom]

Keep in mind, not everyone who has an extravagant wedding goes into debt or can't afford it. It's easy to look at a big wedding and judge the people for wasting money, and to me that's wrong.

I think that is true. In our area, couples tend to marry later (after college, grad school, and starting a career), and have more money when they start out. It's also expensive to live here, so people have higher incomes. I honestly don't know of anyone who went into debt for a wedding, and they've always been pretty big affairs.

 

[JoiseyMom]

My DS is getting married in September...and it is going to be a Saturday nite affair at a beautiful venue (same place I was married at ), but to me it will be avg for where we live, not extravagant... I think the price per head is about 110/person (pretty reasonable to me espcially for the shore area). They had a bbq at FDIL parents as an engagement party. The shower is going to be a brunch at a local diner. The bride and groom had to be forced to register (they were not registered anywhere). Not sure what they are doing about a rehersal dinner (I have never been/done one of them before).

Her dress was a little over 1k, the bridesmaids dresses were 200.00, her flowers/bouguets they are making from Michael's craft store..and they are honeymooning in the Aruba...

I think it is regional. I have never been to a wedding that wasn't a catered event. Well, unless you count my first wedding (oy..let's not go there..).

 

[luvsJack]

I have seen huge, money sucking weddings and little country pot luck weddings. Both have been fun and both have been lovely.

My younger ds and his wife were married in April. Their little ceremony on her Dad's deck with only both sets of parents/grandparents, a preacher and the couple and their baby was the lovelist I have ever witnessed. It didn't include a white gown and tons of flowers; it was lovely because of the light they put in each other's eyes. You could see how much they truly love each other just in the way they looked at each other. That was a ceremoney that will be remembered by all that were there.

Sometimes it seems to be forgotten what a wedding ceremony is really about.

 

[EMom]

that's all I'm sayin'...

A marriage is NOT about the ceremony.

now I'm done.

Amen. When we married, we had a nice wedding. Formal, etc., but not over the top. Why? Because my mother couldn't pay for it, so we paid for it ourselves. 100% truth....DH had a job and I didn't yet, so he paid for it. If my mother couldn't pay for it, we certainly we're going to ask his parents. (They did host a second reception in his hometown a month later for all those who couldn't attend the wedding and that cost more than the wedding.)

We could have gone in debt and had an extravagant wedding, but we didn't want to be paying off the ceremony long after the vows were said when we could be putting that money aside for a home. The wedding paled in comparison to the marriage. It was a means to an end. Within 1 1/2 years after we'd married, we built a custom home. And yes, we had friends still paying off their weddings/honeymoons.

I'm not saying lovely weddings aren't important....Heck, I wanted one. But they are not the end goal. If they are, you have a problem. Too many people obsess over the "perfect wedding" when they should be focusing on whether they have what it takes to make a successful marriage.

When DD marries someday, we hope to give her a fantastic wedding. But not before we know she has her head on straight about priorities.

 

[autumnpalm]

I've started looking into wedding planning (theknot.com) and have decided I need to stop looking at so many websites, TV shows and magazines as they are stressing me out like crazy! I am hoping to have a small-ish wedding of under 100 people with a church ceremony and simple cocktail reception in a nearby historical manor in my hometown. But wow, I am SHOCKED at the prices! I don't know if it's regional, but photography prices seem to start around $5,000 for the most basic package... that's what I was shooting for for the entire budget!

I have just begun with all of this and I am just about ready to go elope. I can easily see how the costs of a fairly simple wedding can mount quickly and it would not be difficult to spend upwards of $40,000. We are both students and there's no way we can afford that... so this will definitely take more planning than I initially though.

There's really no way to please everyone in the family so we'll do our best to make sure our guests have a lovely time but that the wedding is what we want so that our married life doesn't begin with financial stress.

I have to say, though, it sure is fun drooling over 10,000.00 dresses!

 

[NotUrsula]

IMO, it isn't how much money you spend or how many guests you have, it is how you spend what you spend. Good wine? Sure. Good food? Sure.
Really lovely flowers? Even that. Having the bridal party arrive in a flotilla of antique limos? (Not one, you understand -- several. One each for the bride and the groom, and two more for the rest of the wedding party...) Whoa there.

THAT is kind of bizarre extravagance I'm talking about. Those are things that are done for reasons of sheer theatricality, and quite frankly they are tacky at a private party. It is supposed to be a family celebration, not an opportunity for lighting and set designers to create pieces for their audition portfolios.

If you have a lot of friends, invite a lot of friends. If you can afford to serve people wonderful food, then do. (But DON'T serve them completely unfamiliar food that they are not likely to recognize or appreciate; that isn't the action of a good hostess. How many people really LIKE salad sculptures? Hmmm?)

 

[Rora]

Honestly, if we really could have it exactly as we want it, we'd just have a barefoot shorts-and-t-shirts BBQ!

This is what we wanted! But, my parents would've thrown (and did throw) a fit. So, we had a larger, slightly more formal wedding. While I had a nice time, it certainly wasn't what I wanted.

I don't understand weddings these days. OP- you're right, they've turned into "Uppers". My cousins and a lot of my friends had ridiculously expensive, fancy weddings. Every time I talked to them before their wedding, they complained how expensive it was going to be and how stressful it was to plan. I didn't want that-- I wanted it to be relaxing, romantic, and about my DH and I.

I hope brides don't feel the need to do something just to keep up with the other brides even if they don't want it. Parents and peer pressure don't help.

 

[jsmith]

My son got married Saturday. It was not a "Keep up with the Jones's" affair-it was for the people they loved to share the time with them. It was originally planned to be outdoors at a mountain top ampitheater-but God laughed at the plan and it rained-and rained-and then rained some more-so they were married in a historic concert hall at the Boulder Colorado Chataqua park-it was beatiful-my son is tall and handsome-and his groomsmen were tall and handsome-my daughter in law and her bridesmaids were beautiful. The food was done by a cousin who is a chef for the cost of the food-it was amazing and delishious and his gift of love to them. The cake was made by his wife. Music was provided by the man who taught them both to play in high school orchestra and my niece who is a wonderful pianist. We had an amazing and wonderful evening-shared with friends who live near-and those who came-at their own expense-from Marselle, Geneva and Kabul. Because of the location-the amazing food-and the guests many people think both her parents and us spent an unreal amount of money-not true.None of us are in debt-or broke-and we had the time of our lives. Dont judge-and if you dont have an honest love for the couple and the desire to share their joy-dont go.

 

[mjkacmom]

I am hoping to have a small-ish wedding of under 100 people with a church ceremony and simple cocktail reception in a nearby historical manor in my hometown. !

Oh, this is what we did! It had a big front porch with lots of tables, and beautiful grounds. We did a simple cocktail reception (unheard of here), with lots of food. I think it was only $75 a head because they let us hire their bartenders, and we brought in all of the alcohol (this was 15 years ago). It seemed like everything was $500 - photographer (no video), DJ, invitations, flowers, limos. I loved every single minute of it - we even had a car service pick us up from the reception, and I threw my bouquet and we were off. This is it: http://www.oakeside.org/

 

[EMom]

Perhaps my belief that it was best not to "go crazy" with wedding expenses stems from a story my mother told repeatedly over the years. It concerned a family (sort of) wedding that took place around 1960, before I was even born. Apparently, the wedding....well, mainly its fallout.....made such an impact on everyone that it served as the cautionary tale of the century.

A niece of our uncle (he was married to our aunt) was getting married to a young man who came from a well-to-do family from another state. Long story short, he had more money than her family and her family was determined to put on a wedding that was up to snuff for his side. Problem was, they simply didn't have as much money. Period. Worse yet, it seems they had some inflated idea of what kind of money his family had. They were not old money....The parents were immigrants who had come over with precious little but had worked hard and succeeded in business. Truly, they respected anyone who worked hard. Not snobby at all, but her family didn't know that and just HAD to put on the dog.

Soooooo.....The bride's family which had a paid off home and a decent income, but was not wealthy by any stretch of the imagination, went wild with the wedding. My mother shook her head for decades about how they spent $1500 on her dress back in 1960. Seriously, do you know how few dresses cost $1500 back in 1960, especially in Texas? I don't know if Lyndon Johnson's girls wore $1500 wedding dresses. That was just ONE of their expenses.

Before long, they had to take out a mortgage on that paid off home in order to afford the wedding. Big mistake. Not long after the big day, the daddy lost his job and eventually, they lost their house. A house that had been 100% paid off and totally theirs. All for a super shindig meant to impress the in-laws who truly did not need to be impressed.

The postscript is that the newlyweds were still in college and had assumed that wealthy father-in-law would continue to support the son (groom) as he continued college. Pay for housing, utilities, tuition, etc. Never assume. When they said something to him about it, they found out he was old school. He said, "Uh no.....You're old enough to marry her....You're old enough to support her." Major mistakes made on both sides, it seems.

 

[DisneyJen0504]

Ugh. not this again.
It's either the folks bashing those who do a wedding simple, or those bshing the ones who spent a lot of money. You really can't win.
Do the couple a favor and keep your judgemental selves home that night. Just decline the invite.

There is no new trend to this.

You took the words right out of my mouth!!!
Dh and I had a large wedding (we have huge families) that did cost us (not my parents) a pretty penny. We didn't go beyond what we could afford but whose business is it anyway what we spent on various aspects of our wedding?
To each his own with what kind of wedding you want to have.

But it's not just weddings. How many of these brides have celebrity-bling type engagement rings. Honeymoons in the Carribean or Hawaii. New build homes that their parents can't afford.

I find this comment confusing. So because Dh and I can afford to have a large diamond engagement ring, large wedding (6 years ago) we honeymooned in the Caribbean, and we also have a new home, we are like the people you see on crazy reality shows?
I prefer to call it... we work hard for our money and this is how we choose to spend it. Often it is the people who don't have judging the ones who do.

 

[onelilspark]

I have been to tons of Philly weddings and have never seen this

The only time I EVER saw a money dance was in Scranton PA (NE PA) at my BIL's wedding, when my SIL actually did this I was quite shocked. I had never seen a money dance before.

Org. from the Philly area. All my cousins have done this (even the ones who don't live in the Philly area come to think of it.) It's the Dollar Dance, the bridesmaids or groomsmen stand with a basket, collect money and then each person who comes up drops in a dollar (or more) and dances with either the bride or groom for about a minute, then another person moves in.

All I'll say about it is that it will not be done at my wedding.

You took the words right out of my mouth!!!
Dh and I had a large wedding (we have huge families) that did cost us (not my parents) a pretty penny. We didn't go beyond what we could afford but whose business is it anyway what we spent on various aspects of our wedding?
To each his own with what kind of wedding you want to have.




I find this comment confusing. So because Dh and I can afford to have a large diamond engagement ring, large wedding (6 years ago) we honeymooned in the Caribbean, and we also have a new home, we are like the people you see on crazy reality shows?
I prefer to call it... we work hard for our money and this is how we choose to spend it. Often it is the people who don't have judging the ones who do.

*ding* *ding* *ding*

 

[autumnpalm]

Oh, this is what we did! It had a big front porch with lots of tables, and beautiful grounds. We did a simple cocktail reception (unheard of here), with lots of food. I think it was only $75 a head because they let us hire their bartenders, and we brought in all of the alcohol (this was 15 years ago). It seemed like everything was $500 - photographer (no video), DJ, invitations, flowers, limos. I loved every single minute of it - we even had a car service pick us up from the reception, and I threw my bouquet and we were off. This is it: http://www.oakeside.org/

Oh wow, that is beautiful!

I am looking here:

I am just so in love with the place.

 

[punkin]

If you don't agree with it, don't go. Seriously, I don't think you "get" to enjoy the fruits of their labor, planning, and money, if you feel it's just oneupmanship, or keeping up with the joneses, etc etc. IF you're philosophically opposed, keep yourself away from that wedding.

****

If you don't agree with the wedding, don't go. The couple doesn't need your critical eyes assessing how much money they've spent on invitations, food, drink, etc. They very likely invited you because they LOVE you, and they just wanted you there on that special day, that they are likely working hard to make special for you and the other guests...so if you can't be there in that way, stay home.

Absolutely!

 

[tonilea]

I have never regretted my "wedding". We were married in an old-time photo place in Eureka Springs. Mom and Dad offered us a washer and dryer or the money they would have spent on one for a wedding. We chose door #1. The washer lasted 11 years and the dryer 13 years. They lasted longer than both of my cousin's high dollar weddings.

I don't really care how much people spend or don't spend on their wedding. It does seem to me that some young ladies spend more time choosing the wedding stuff than the groom. They seem to forget what is really important.

 

[Buckalew11]

The sweet little wedding I just went to had a "money dance" or "dollar dance". I had never seen that before but most simple weddings here don't have a meal or dancing or alcohol, even.

I had fun taping a guy friend pay to dance with the groom. It was so funny!! They were going to WDW for 4 days of their honeymoon and I was hoping they got enough $$ to have a meal there! lol

 

[LisaInNc]

I had a pretty fancy wedding. It was a white glove service, we had an 11 piece band, a strolling violinist at the cocktail hour, harp and flute at the church. It was fancy smanchy. I wanted all the bells and whistles.

People talked about it for years saying it was the best wedding they ever went to. I put a lot of time into planning it and I did a lot of handmade things. It was a Christmas wedding so we had a decorated tree inside the reception. It was decorated with handmade ornaments that I made. It took me months. Each person was invited to take an ornament from the free as a favor. I still see those ornaments on Christmas trees. I did a lot of things like that.

Why?

I was one of those girls that played wedding. I dreamed about it my entire life.

I paid for all of it myself. I had a really good job and savings and I don't regret it for a single minute.

The marriage lasted 10 years, not forever unfortunately.

It was getting to play Cinderella for one night.

Lisa

 

[MrsPete]

Their agreement was that she would get a job after they were married to help pay it off, but she's not worked a day since then.

Why is it that people can't save up for whatever it is they want so badly . . . but they'll agree to make payments on it? If you really can't save for it, where're you going to get the payment money?

I'm almost 50 and I've never been to a wedding like that.

I've been to plenty of "punch and cake" receptions. In my experience, people who have those very simple receptions tend to see the wedding as a ceremony rather than a party, and the reception is more of a natural outgrowth of that ceremony -- a simple time to share their joy with friends and family -- rather than a blow-out party with drinking and dancing.

 

[Gigi22]

Ok--what in heck is a money dance?
DH and I were married just over 26 years ago in an old home that was a university club. We had the reception and dinner/dance at the club as well. I was thwarted in my wish not to have photographs by my DSis, who 'gave' us our unwished-for photographs as a wedding present. Managed to 'lose' the photographs shortly afterwards, and still haven't 'found' them. Funny about that!
Can't say anyone overspent on the wedding. It was a gift from my parents, who could easily afford it. Inexpensive wedding dress (about $500 plus accessories as I recall). Kept the ceremony and reception simple, because neither DH nor I can stand any fussing about.
I just don't get these over the top weddings. Young couples would be a lot better off using the money for a washer and dryer, as we did.

 

[MrsPete]

Ok--what in heck is a money dance?

I have no idea, but I'm picturing something that's the complete opposite of classy and elegant.