What is the right thing to do in this situation?

[autumnpalm]

I know I can always count on the DIS on answers for a "WWYD" situation.

So.

I am a university student and have two girlfriends that I am very, very close with- they are like sisters to me (we'll call them H and E)- and all three of us are very good friends. H and E were planning on living together with two other girls in a townhouse this year but E has confided in me that she does not think she can afford the rent and wants to commute to school from home. However, the other three girls cannot afford the rent on their own- they can barely afford it with the four of them- and would have to find a new roommate before they sign their lease which they have to do very soon. E has not told H this yet because she is not quite sure what she wants to do and H will be upset because they had been planning on this since last September.

E only has classes three days a week so she asked me if she could stay at my place those two nights every week since I live very close to campus. My gut reaction is to say sure- I have room and I would love to help her out. However, she has already agreed to live with H and the other girls and she will be putting them in a tough situation telling them she doesn't want to sign the lease so close to the start of the year. E has asked me not to say anything to H until she talks with her about the issue.

I really don't want to get in the middle of this as they are my two closest friends and I love them both. I want to help E out and would not mind her staying with me at all but I'm afraid H will be upset.

WWYD? I honestly don't know what the right thing to do is in this situation. I really don't want to get in the middle of anything but I also want to help my friend out with her financial situation. Thoughts?

 

[OceanAnnie]

1. Let E work out her arrangement with the other friends. She should be honest with the friends she had the arrangement with. Then she should work out a plan that she can afford. You will be in a bad situation if you enter now, once the arrangements were already set.

2. I'd stay out of it. Completely. Right now, it seems like a good solution for her. Not for you, however. It has a lot of potential for bad feelings all the way around.

3. Things to consider: After awhile your place would probably feel like a flop house. The nights could expand and days. Has she offered any money to stay? If not, that would get old quick. Your utilities, your food, your toiletries, all of your stuff up for grabs to share while you foot the bill. Friends or not that would not last. Her friends coming to your place and hanging out. And so on.

If it were me, for the sake of the friendships, and my sanity I'd stay out of it.

 

[Mary•Poppins]

My first reaction is your friend REALLY needs to talk to her roommates ... and now. I don't think I would get into the middle of this. If your friend can work out something with her roommates without severing friendships and then tells them of her plans to stay at your place .... and everyone is OK with this ... then I would say fine. However, I have a feeling this is not going to happen.

I also think that your friend who is asking to stay at your place those nights without paying is not being fair to you (you are probably being kind ... but sometimes committing to having someone stay there for free wears thin in a few months). What happens if she starts asking to stay on the weekends ... and is there most of the time ... not paying rent. I feel she is taking advantage of you just by putting you in this situation.

Good luck. I think you were right not to commit right away. Really think this through.

 

[autumnpalm]

I totally agree that she needs to talk to the other roommates and let them know and I have told her this. If I were them I would not be happy with such little notice and I don't think it is fair to hold out on them.

She has offered to pay for things like groceries and bring her own food and contribute what money she can. I know it wouldn't cover the expenses but honestly it isn't the money that would bother me, it would be getting in the middle of a tense situation and getting involved in something I want to stay out of.

One thing I forgot to include in the original post is that she does not have a car so taking public transit would be about 2 hours each way, so that is part of the reason why commuting would be difficult for E.

But I'm glad to get some feedback. I really would like to let her stay with me but my other friendship is really important to me and I don't want to sacrifice or risk it through this. Outside perspective is helpful because this is one of those situations where I really can't make everyone happy and I don't know quite how to handle it!

 

[hegsag]

I wouldn't get involved. The school year is about to start and she still hasn't told her roommates that she doesn't want to room with them anymore?! That's really unfair and selfish. She doesn't sound like such a great friend & I think you will be putting your friendship with H in jeopardy.

 

[redlight]

I would try to stay out of it too.

 

[Cooky]

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[java]

I would stay out of it. She made a commitment and now is looking for a free out.

Are you living alone? Her staying 2 nights may seem like a party now but it may get old quickly. As she is spending your money on electricity- is using up your hot water ect. as a non-paying guest.

I would kindly tell her you don't want to be in the middle of this. You'll think about it and decide after she sorts everything out with E.

Oh I remember housing drama. I was a junior when I said "forget it" and ended up living with basically strangers instead of friends. People were getting feelings hurt and I wanted no part of it.
That was a fun year for me and the next year we all decided to live together for our last year. And we had a great last year.
Good luck to you. Enjoy your time and don't get swallowed into the drama.

 

[LuvOrlando]

I think you are right to be concerned. If this friend tells your other friend that she already has made arrangements with you before backing out of the lease it could mean trouble for you. Right now you can claim you didn't know what was going on because, in truth your friend didn't decide anything. But, as soon as you agree to let her stay with you you're involved.

I would tell her to first sort things out with everyone else before asking you for help because, although you want to help out, you don't want to get caught up in it. Also, like others said, it sounds like she is asking to be a free room-mate of yours. Not so very nice IMO. I would agree to occasional stay overs if there was bad weather but not every single week.

 

[autumnpalm]

School starts the second week of September, so just over a month- but the lease needs to be signed even sooner than that, I'm not 100% clear on the lease details but I do know it needs to be taken care of soon.

Thanks for the input, everyone! I really appreciate it. I think for now I'm just going to tell her that she needs to talk to E and that I don't want to get involved, especially since I am so close with both of them and I don't want to risk any friendships or hurt feelings.

And java- housing drama is right! My goodness, I thought we had all outgrown this in high school but apparently it follows your right into your 20s!

 

[Imzadi]

If I were them I would not be happy with such little notice and I don't think it is fair to hold out on them.

honestly it isn't the money that would bother me, it would be getting in the middle of a tense situation and getting involved in something I want to stay out of.

Read your own words. This is how you feel. I think you should be honest with her about how you feel.

That's really unfair and selfish. She doesn't sound like such a great friend & I think you will be putting your friendship with H in jeopardy.

You should keep in mind how she is treating her friend "H" and the other two roommates. I assume school starts in a month or less. She is really leaving them in the lurch. Think how she may treat you.

I agree with both of these. You like her personality. But, when times get tough, a person shows their true character through their actions. I know all of you are in your 20's and everyone is still being tested, experimenting, making lots of mistakes to find out what their character is, so she may change.

But, if this turns out to be who she really wants to be, she's someone who doesn't speak up, when she knows she should and others could be hurt and inconvenienced, avoids confrontation, involves others in her problems, and is looking for free easy ways out.

Her staying with you longterm, could become serious problems as the semester progresses. Definitely stay out of it at this point. Maybe when the weather gets really cold, and there are storms coming,which make waiting for and traveling by bus difficult, offer her a place to stay.

 

[sparklynails23]

If you have roommates, you cannot let your friend stay there regularly without consulting them. Otherwise, I would tell your friend that she could stay there once in a while but you do not want to commit to a regular schedule unless she is paying rent.

 

[kaytieeldr]

She has offered to pay for things like groceries and bring her own food and contribute what money she can. I know it wouldn't cover the expenses but honestly it isn't the money that would bother me, it would be getting in the middle of a tense situation and getting involved in something I want to stay out of.

Yes, staying out of the middle of what's probably going to be an ultimately uncomfortable situation makes the most sense. While this isn't your intent, "H" could see you allowing "E" to stay with you a few nights a week as undermining the roommate plans.

One thing I forgot to include in the original post is that she does not have a car so taking public transit would be about 2 hours each way, so that is part of the reason why commuting would be difficult for E.

That's something SHE needs to factor into her decision to not join the other three women in the townhouse lease. Not your responsibility.

 

[autumnpalm]

Thank you so much, everyone. I really appreciate the advice, thanks for taking the time to reply!

I am seeing E this weekend so I will chat with her and tell her how I'm feeling and that she will have to find an alternate solution if she is planning on commuting. If there is inclement weather or another emergency type situation then she is welcome to stay the night, but it won't be a weekly occurrence.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Thanks for the update.

I think you will be so glad you made this decision. In the long run you will keep your friends and your sanity. It's nice to be there for friends in a pinch (just not long term and not for free). But this scenario had "trouble" written all over it for a variety of reasons.

ETA- I know money wasn't an issue for you. IMO it still had the potential to be an issue over time. Fortunately, we won't know how that would've played out!