What does this mean?

[LindsayDunn228]

I'm in a cynical (sp?) mood tonight. As I read your post, I think what BF is saying is "here, think of this however you want, but I'm thinking this buys me some time from really making a committment". Truly though, I bet he wouldn't say that to you, because he loves you and doesn't want to hurt you.

I'm crossing my fingers for you that I'm wrong, because it sounds like you really want a lifetime committment from your guy...I hope you get it and live happily every after!

I agree. I'm sorry, but it sounds as if he's just telling you this to "get you off his back."

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Yup...it is like Dr. Laura always asks, "Do you have a date?"

I never could really understand Dr Laura's hangup on "the ring and a date". I suppose because I was married so young and could understand someone getting engaged and not having the date set. But then reading something like this helps me understand her stand on that. If you've been dating someone for this long it seems that you would both know if it was a marriage relationship.

Sounds like you are looking for a relationship that will lead to marriage. Are you positive that he is looking for the same? There is nothing wrong with either option, but it's important to date people who have the same goal in mind--that's what I've told my daughter.

 

[faith]

Life's too short. If you are living together, make plans to move out. Become more independent. Your post suggests he's not ready for marriage. I say you need some space from him, and deserve someone who really cares DEEPLY about you. Don't settle. Stay strong.

 

[antmaril]

Sorry sweetie but I agree with the other posters on this one.

Me too - sorry.

 

[jaimee1024]

I'm not trying to be mean, but if you have to ask here what your boyfriend of five years means, then maybe you don't really know him well enough to start a marriage with him. In fact, maybe he isn't the man for you. You deserve someone who is straight with you...and who wants you without reservation. Good luck!

 

[illini]

My high school boyfriend and I went ring shopping. I found this perfect 5/8 carat solitare. I bugged him to death about it. We had been together for over 6 years at the time I was only 22. We shared a birthday so he gave it to me for our birthday-he never actually popped the question though. He spent all that money( he was 25 it was alot for him) and just used it to buy time. I tried and tried to get him to set a date and he was not going for it. We were together less then a year after that.
My exhusband and I lived together for 4 years and I wanted to get married-he had been married before. My thought was I just want to know if you want to or not because if not I need to move on. We got engaged, got married 1 year later and within 6 months he met someone else and we got divorced.

To answer your question I do not think you are really engaged. I know I will never bring up marriage to any guy ever again.

 

[Serena]

And yeah, I've got to agree. Unless you feel comfortable asking him straight out what he means, I don't think you are either ready, or he's not the guy for you.
It's not a good thing to have to ask anywhere how your man feels about you.

 

[Zurg]

What does this mean?? It means your not engaged and he just wants you to stop nagging him.

 

[PixiePop]

I'm sorry, but I agree with the others as well. I also agree that if you can't openly communicate now......not a good idea to get married.

Good luck to you!

 

[MareQ]

What does this mean?? It means your not engaged and he just wants you to stop nagging him.

My thoughts exactly. Despite being together for 5 years - he may just not be ready for that next step. It probably doesn't mean anything more than that. Time together means very little if the maturity level is not there yet.

 

[pearlieq]

I'm sorry too, but I agree with everyone else.

5 years is plenty of time to decide whether or not you want to marry someone. There's nothing you need to do when you're single that you can't accomplish while you're married. A person doesn't need to wait until they've finished school, gotten a certain job, or gotten to a certain financial position before they get married. All of those can be accomplished while you're married, and frankly marriage usually makes it easier because then you're a team and can support each other. A good marriage allows room for both partners to grow, explore, and achieve.

The only "valid" reason why he wouldn't want to get married yet is that he doesn't feel ready to make that kind of commitment. And if that's the case, the decision is in your hands. What's more important to you? Being with him or being married? There is no right or wrong answer to that.

Good luck!

 

[kimmikayb]

I agree with everyone else. He's not ready. If you're ready and that is what you want...you need to make some serious decisions. Don't give him the "do this or else"...it doesn't work. He'll not be happy. Believe me, I know. I did that to my first husband.

Listen to me when I say this YOU deserve to be with someone who CANNOT stand to spend another day NOT married to you.

 

[Serena]

Listen to me when I say this YOU deserve to be with someone who CANNOT stand to spend another day NOT married to you.

This is very important. I'll remember this too.

 

[Cool-Beans]

It means you aren't THE ONE for him and he isn't THE ONE for you. THE guy for you is out there and you're wasting time with this guy.

Drop him like a bad habit (not easy, but worth doing) and go find your future.

 

[snowball22]

I would move on with your life. You are not engaged or you would know for sure that you were. People do what they want to do and if he wanted to be engaged to you or married, it would have happened by now. If you are truely happy inside with the way things are now then stay. But if you are unhappy, then it is time to move on. Life is too short. Make your soul happy and go live your life to the fullest.

 

[famofsix]

He gave me a ring that has a lot of meaning to him. I asked him what it was and he told me I could think of it as an engagement ring if I wanted. We are having it resized now, and I hope it works out, but that is a whole other topic!

So, what does he mean by this? Does he mean we actually are enaged? He is not the romantic down on your knees type, so he actually would ask in this manner. I know I should just ask him, but I jus want some idea of the answer I might get in advance.

I would not accept the resized ring unless he made a committment, if he wants you to think of it as an engagement ring then he has to make the commitment to it. Five years is long enough to wait. If he gets mad that you won't accept the resized ring without the commitment then you have the answer to your question.
Good luck and I hope you know that you are special and important and you should be with someone who values you for who you are. I don't think you want to spend your life with someone you have to play guessing games with.

 

[misskrystal]

5 years is plenty of time to decide whether or not you want to marry someone. There's nothing you need to do when you're single that you can't accomplish while you're married. A person doesn't need to wait until they've finished school, gotten a certain job, or gotten to a certain financial position before they get married. All of those can be accomplished while you're married, and frankly marriage usually makes it easier because then you're a team and can support each other. A good marriage allows room for both partners to grow, explore, and achieve.

The only "valid" reason why he wouldn't want to get married yet is that he doesn't feel ready to make that kind of commitment. And if that's the case, the decision is in your hands. What's more important to you? Being with him or being married? There is no right or wrong answer to that.

Good luck!

That's my last relationship exactly! There was always a reason why we couldn't move forward and none of them had anything to do with our relationship.

I think the OP needs to decide exactly what she wants and go for it, regardless of what her bf wants. I spent four years doing what my bf wanted and got nothing in the end.

 

[Disney Doll]

Why does it depend on what he thinks, as to whether or not you are "officially" engaged. Do you think you are officially engaged? Probably not, since you had to post your question on this message board.

Here is what I would do. Make your decisions for yourself. Do you think you have been dating long enough, and he should know by now whether or not he wants to marry you? If so, then tell him that, and if he can't say with absolute certainty "Yes I want to marry you, start planning the wedding", then break up with him, because no matter how much you love him, he's not the man for you.

I wouldn't give him an ultimatum. I wouldn't dance around the subject. I wouldn't whine and nag him about it. Have a straightforward, adult conversation.

Do you love me?
Do you see us getting married?
When?

If he can't give you pretty definite answers to those questions, then he is not the man for you, and go out and find the man for you.

You know, we women make the mistake of always trying to figure out what men mean, what they are thinking, maybe he'll change and so forth. What you see is what you get. Ask him, be direct and be done with it one way of the other.

Dating shouldn't be so hard. Prio to meeting DH, I went out with a guy for about 1.5 years...nice guy...lots of fun...tried to be ready for a commitment but just wasn't. I spent a lot of time worrying about his feelings, worrying about making him mad so he might not call me again and so forth. Then he broke up with me...devastation. I waited a while for him, hung out with my friends.

Finally met a new guy (who is now my DH of 15 years) and realized that while the old guy was nice enough, the relationship with him was so hard, with so much angst compared to my now DH. My DH called when he said he would, he asked me out on dates, he was concerned, caring and interested in my life. Dating him was easy, not angst ridden and anxiety producing. I was first in his thoughts and consideration, not an after-thought. I could speak my mind and had no fear that he might not call me. I didn't have to walk on eggshells of my own making because my DH made it clear that he wanted to be with me....there was no guessing involved.

If it's not easy, if you can't honestly communicate with him after 5 years, he's probalby the wrong guy for you.

 

[bettyann29]

I have to agree with everyone else.. Unless he has come out and asked you to marry him and you have set a date then you are not engaged.. Sounds like maybe he either has committment issues or isnt ready to get married.. You mentioned that you talked it over and he gave you sufficient reasons.. Honestly what kind of a reason is sufficient?? If someone says they want to get further in their career or make a career before marrying, that may never happen.. if that person says they want to be financially secure, the truth is that may never happen.. etc.. When 2 people are in love that is the perfect time.. why wait??

 

[I Love Pluto]

I, too, agree with all the others. If he really wants to get married, then he would have properly proposed. "Will you marry me" is usually the phrase accompanying the engagement ring.

Move on. It may be difficult now, but you have a lifetime of non-commitment to things if you continue with him.

Good luck to you in your decision. I know this is hard.