What does this mean?

[irisbud]

My Bf and I have been together for more than five years, and I basically told him either we needed to move forward in our relationship or go our seperate ways, as I simply cannot wit for him forever (I don't think). We talked things through, and he told me he wants to get married, he just dosen't feel ready at the moment and gave me some acceptable reasons.

We have had this discussion before, and he has talked about marriage and then backpeadled away from it at the first possiable chance. This time I told him that I would feel better if he would just give me some sign of commitment, something to show me he is actually seriously thinking along those lines.

He gave me a ring that has a lot of meaning to him. I asked him what it was and he told me I could think of it as an engagement ring if I wanted. We are having it resized now, and I hope it works out, but that is a whole other topic!

So, what does he mean by this? Does he mean we actually are enaged? He is not the romantic down on your knees type, so he actually would ask in this manner. I know I should just ask him, but I jus want some idea of the answer I might get in advance.

 

[MariDisney]

I'm in a cynical (sp?) mood tonight. As I read your post, I think what BF is saying is "here, think of this however you want, but I'm thinking this buys me some time from really making a committment". Truly though, I bet he wouldn't say that to you, because he loves you and doesn't want to hurt you.

I'm crossing my fingers for you that I'm wrong, because it sounds like you really want a lifetime committment from your guy...I hope you get it and live happily every after!

 

[sugarpie]

Being engaged usually means you're planning to get married. It doesn't sound like that's what he meant by the ring.

 

[Froggyswife]

Sorry sweetie but I agree with the other posters on this one.

 

[Hixski]

I'm in a cynical (sp?) mood tonight. As I read your post, I think what BF is saying is "here, think of this however you want, but I'm thinking this buys me some time from really making a committment". Truly though, I bet he wouldn't say that to you, because he loves you and doesn't want to hurt you.

I'm crossing my fingers for you that I'm wrong, because it sounds like you really want a lifetime committment from your guy...I hope you get it and live happily every after!

Sorry this was my first thought too.

 

[poohandwendy]

I don't think it means you are engaged either.

Then again, I don't really consider someone engaged unless they have plans to actually marry...like a ballpark timeframe.

I guess my question for you is this: Are you really wanting to get married or are you feeling unsure of his feelings for you?

 

[FreshTressa]

I don't think it means you are engaged either.

Then again, I don't really consider someone engaged unless they have plans to actually marry...like a ballpark timeframe.

I guess my question for you is this: Are you really wanting to get married or are you feeling unsure of his feelings for you?

Yup...it is like Dr. Laura always asks, "Do you have a date?"

 

[Serena]

It seems to me that he cares for you enough that he doesn't want to lose you. BUT, and that is a big but, he's not ready to go forward either, unless you drag him down the aisle and he'll be holding on for dear life to the door frame.


So, are you willing to wait for him, or not.

 

[diznygirl]

So, consider it an engagement ring and start planning the wedding. Tell him when the appt. is with the priest at the church, and see how it goes from there!

Good luck. Doesn't sound good. After 5 years he should know what he wants.

 

[Alex2kMommy]

I don't think so. If you were really engaged, he would have said something more definitive, like, "Now we're engaged" or "Will you marry me?"

"You could consider it an engagement ring if you wanted" sounds too much like "you can think of it however you want as long as it gets me off the hook for awhile."

Ask him. If he can't be straight with you about this, then I think that's your answer about his level of commitment.

 

[RNMOM]

Five years is a long time to make a decision. What is he waiting for? Something better to come along? Sorry, I too am in a cynical mood too.

You want an honest opinion? I would give him that ring back and not be as "available" to go out with him. Start doing some new things on your own or with family and friends and let him make his decision. If you are still wanting him then it will work out. If not, well, maybe that is for the best.

Remember, all the time you are waiting for him to decide is time you are possibly missing other opportunities.

I don't know your age and that might make a difference about his maturity. I hope things work out for you the way you want but a reluctant groom is no bargan.

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

Five years is a long time to make a decision. What is he waiting for? Something better to come along? Sorry, I too am in a cynical mood too.

You want an honest opinion? I would give him that ring back and not be as "available" to go out with him. Start doing some new things on your own or with family and friends and let him make his decision. If you are still wanting him then it will work out. If not, well, maybe that is for the best.

Remember, all the time you are waiting for him to decide is time you are possibly missing other opportunities.

I don't know your age and that might make a difference about his maturity. I hope things work out for you the way you want but a reluctant groom is no bargan.

I agree.

If he wanted to marry you he would have said so. He's comfortable now, so why should he commit? If you are not happy with the arrangement then you're being unfair to him and yourself. Of course, this is just my opinion, but I wish you the best.

 

[goodeats]

Judging by your siggie I'm guessing you're 24 or 25? Are you living with BF?

I dated my DH for 6 years until we were engaged (we started dating at 18). We did not live together until we were engaged. I never pushed DH, but we did talk about it. Personally, I'm glad we waited a bit. People change so much at these ages, you don't want to marry somebody who will be completely different in a year. But I agree you don't want to wait around forever.

If you are living together, maybe you should move out? He really has no incentive to propose when you are there all the time anyway. Something about cows and milk comes to mind. At the same time you don't want to be a total shrew about it. Honestly, give him his space and when it's time to move on you'll know.

And I agree it is NOT an engagement ring.

 

[disykat]

While I agree with the other posters, I always seem to see things from a different perspective. I can totally "get" a nonproposal possibly still meaning marriage. My dh never proposed to me, we just started planning our life together. I find it more disturbing that you aren't comfortable asking him exactly where you stand.

Marriage is full of miscommunications and one spouse doing something WAY differently than the other spouse's ideal. You have to be able to get down and dirty with the conversations, uncomfortable or not.

Corner him and ask him exactly what he sees the ring as. If you can't ask him, YOU aren't ready either. If you ask him, and his answer doesn't make you happy - after 5 years I think it's time to look in another direction.

 

[*Fantasia*]

It didn't sound like a proposal to me.. so I would assume that you guys are not engaged. I think that ring symbolizes- we are together and I care about you. I think for a guy to give a girl any kind of ring means he does care. Of course, an engagement ring would mean I am commited to you and I want you for the rest of my life, would you marry me type of deal.

 

[miss missy]

I dunno. But I read it and thought, hmm if you can't ask he what he means and he can't tell you what he means... marriage isn't a good idea. It seems he isn't ready and to admit that is a good thing for you both. JMHO.

 

[hellokitty86]

I'm in a cynical (sp?) mood tonight. As I read your post, I think what BF is saying is "here, think of this however you want, but I'm thinking this buys me some time from really making a committment". Truly though, I bet he wouldn't say that to you, because he loves you and doesn't want to hurt you.

I'm crossing my fingers for you that I'm wrong, because it sounds like you really want a lifetime committment from your guy...I hope you get it and live happily every after!

Sorry, I might be being cynical too. But I agree with everything this poster said. It sounds like he was annoyed that you kept "pressuring" him about getting married, so he gave you this to shut you up.



Your still young. I know this sounds cliche, but there are other fish in the sea! If this guy doesn't appreciate you, find somebody who does! Ofcourse, I'm not one to rush into marriage, its a big deal, but 5 years is a LONG time. IMO, he should know what he wants by now!

 

[epcotfan]

If you have to ask what it means, then it probably isn't a good sign. I sincerely hope it works out for you. But, please don't waste your time if you think he is stalling. Guys that stall are usually waiting for something better to come along. Sad, but true. Been there myself.

 

[shortbun]

I have to say this. I'm "married" now so maybe the way I feel doesn't hold water but...
I don't think the ceremony and the piece of paper are all that important. Those things are certainly NOT what are holding my partner and I together all these years. We originally were not going to "marry." He had done it unsuccessfully and I didn't care as long as we were emotionally committed to each other, we were. We had discussed it and intended to stay together forever. Way back then, contractually, the legal stuff was so much easier for "married" people-benefits, home purchases, other big purchases, inheritances, parenting. Sure, people were doing those things without benefit of marriage but it wasn't easy. We decided to "just get married." Not very romantic, more practical. So, you need to ask him: is it a permanent committment he doesn't want to make or does he just consider marriage superfluous and unneccessary? Do you guys live together? I think it's time to get real honest. If marriage is really important to you, the committment part, and he's not doing that-you probably need to move on now. Five years is normally enough time to know if you want to be permanently committed to someone. How old are you guys? Five years since you were 15 would be different than 5 years and being 30 too. Lots to consider.

 

[aprilgail2]

Maybe he just feels to young to get married, most of the guys I know don't wnat to get married until they are at least 30 and settled in a job and life.