What do you say to people who invite themselves?

[stevenpensacola]

Hey TiggerLover,

Do you have any vacancies for the week of July 4th?

 

[arminnie]

We have an open door policy and purposely bought a large home to welcome guests - so we would say, "Great! We look forward to seeing you!"

I don't have a big home. Usually I have a 2BR/2BA condo - but I do have a very nice guest room.

I love having guests. Maybe because I really enjoy spending time with friends that I don't often get to see (had a husband and wife for 2 weeks in New Orleans), I also have absolutely no problem saying "no" if it is not convenient for me. I really don't worry about whether it is going to ruin the friendship if I say "no". If someone is going to end a friendship over not staying in my home they were not really my friend after all.

Having lived in the San Francisco area for decades and now in New Orleans I've had lots of guests. I don't have anyone that I don't want to spend time with. If I wouldn't want to go out to dinner with someone, I sure don't want them in my home.

I never play tour guide. I've seen all the stuff a million times. I give lots of directions. Okay I did take a lot of people to see the 9th ward after Katrina - but that was because I thought it was very important for people to see the devastation first hand.

Unless someone is only coming to see me for a couple of days, I don't even commit my evenings to them. If I have an event to go to I just tell my guests that I have other plans for that night.

When I worked in the SF area I never knew when I might have only a day's notice that I needed to head to Australia or London. So my guests had to be prepared for me to leave them on their own if needed. I just made sure they knew that upfront so there were no surprises.

 

[Art 1]

We just say that my wife and I have an agreement that no one from either side of our families are going to stay over. We will be more than happy to see you and have you over and go places with you. If they don't like it thats fine.

My brother from PA. has been hinting around about coming down and staying at our house, he has more than enough money for a hotel. We really hope they come a and can't wait to see them but there is no reason for them to not get a hotel room. My wife and I would never ask to stay at one of our relatives homes when we visit weather it's in PA. or S. America, we just get our hotel.

 

[Luv Bunnies]

If you really don't want to host them, just make sure you give them a definitive answer so they know it's a no-go.

My sister's friend had just bought and moved into her first house several years ago. A friend of hers who had moved out of state called and said, "How would you like to have some company over Christmas?" She replied, "I guess," thinking that would give them the hint that she didn't want to host them. So the family of four took that as a positive response and showed up, luggage in hand. According to my sister's friend, they were miserable house guests, leaving towels on the floor and eating on the couch when she'd asked them not to. We heard over and over how horrible it was to spend her first Christmas in her new house with these people sitting around. I pointed out to her that "I guess" was, in fact, a "yes" and she agreed to let them stay. She didn't want to hear that! I hoped that in the future, she would be more firm and give a solid yes or no when asked if someone could stay with her.

 

[SunshineOR]

My brother-in-law has actually used the septic tank, tents in the backyard statement. His buddy wanted to bring an entire basketball team to crash at his house in order to avoid dorm fees during a summer camp at the nearby college. Brother-in-law said, "Great, but our septic tank and bathrooms can't handle that. Bring tents and here's a number for a place to order a port-a-potty for the backyard. See you when you arrive!"

Amazingly, that basketball team managed to find the money to stay in the dorms!

 

[Nancyg56]

Personally, I would say something like, "We'd love to see you all, too, but with our schedules it just wouldn't work to have everyone stay here. Let me get you the names of some hotels nearby if you really want to come up, and we can plan some times to get together while you're in town."

This is what I would say and what I would stick to. If your friendship cannot tolerate a reasonable explanation why you cannot host a family of 6 for an entire week it may be time to reevaluate this relationship. Good luck.

 

[Carly_Roach]

If you care about their friendship and their feelings then I'd suck it up and host them eventually. It's what you do for people you care about. It's called hospitality. That said, I think it's perfectly fine and smart to have boundaries - like timing that also works for you and time to plan accordingly for groceries etc.

I am a little jaded - It makes me sad how uncommon it seems to be getting for people to host other people in their homes anymore. In any capacity: coffee, dinner, kids' birthday parties, occasional houseguests, etc.

I think it may be that people don't know how to be gracious guests anymore. Based on what I've seen, guests seem to have the attitude that they are entitled to be entertained without giving anything (or giving something very small and incidental) in return. And six people who behave like that? I wouldn't want to do a repeat host, either.

It's been my experience that people who are older (60 and up) generally were raised with a "gracious guest" attitude. They know they're putting their hosts out by being there and they bend over backward to lighten the load: bringing nice hostess gifts, taking the host out for dinner, cleaning up after themselves, going out of their way to help the host or hostess out, etc.

Sadly, that kind of guest is dying off and us younger people haven't quite learned the knack of being a gracious guest. Hence, no one wants to host a family of moochers. At least not for a week.

To the OP, honesty is the best policy. Family should understand that it's difficult for you to host that many people for so long. If they're friends and the friendship breaks up over your decision to not host, then whatever it is that kept you friends for so long isn't quite as stong as you thought it was and you're better off without them.

 

[EclecticWAHM]

If you just don't want them staying in your home anymore, you have to decide how much their friendship means to you. There is no nice way to say that they are not welcome to stay with you anymore. Since you have done so in the past and they thought it went well, they will be hurt - possibly insulted.

I have to disagree with this. I think *they need to decide what the friendship means to them - not the OP. If it's going to be a big deal to them or they're insulted, it's really their problem and not the OP's fault. Honesty is really the best thing here - just tell them this isn't a good time for having guests but you'd like to see them if they come to town. Really, THEY are the rude ones for imposing and inviting themselves. I would never in a million years do that to a friend. How incredibly selfish of them!