What Do You REALLY Think About Guests Bringing Food?

[Carrie_Cat]

Unless it's a get together where everyone has been asked to bring something I would not take food and I would not expect anyone to bring food to my party/dinner/whatever.

If I'm inviting I'm providing, I've got my menu sorted and all.

Saying that I don't know anyone who would do it uninvited or have heard of anyone doing it, it must be a cultural thing.

We take chocolates and/or send flowers after the event.

 

[Jaime4004]

Of course not...those unfortunate enough or obtuse enought not to comprehend ALWAYS insist their boorish behavior is "just trying to do something nice."

I find it so sad how jaded you seem to feel...

 

[Jaime4004]

That's the thing, though. I don't want my guests to have to put in extra effort to come to my house. They're already making enough of an effort by taking time out of their schedule, finding and paying a babysitter (if applicable), and driving over here and back. I don't want to add to that by making them find a recipe, grocery shop, cook a dish, lug it with them and back, and the associated time and expense that goes along with it. As the hostess of an event I wanted to throw, it would make me very uncomfortable to burden my guests like that.

On the flip side, it's incredibly annoying when someone says, "Would you like to come over Saturday?" and then when you answer in the affirmative they follow with, "Great, it's BYOB and I'm asking that everyone bring a dish." Really? You couldn't tell me it was going to cost both my money and my time before I accepted your invitation? Even worse is when they don't mention you need to bring a dish until a day or two beforehand. Perfect, now I get to scramble at the last minute to help put together someone else's party/dinner. It's like people want the convenience of having a party in the comfort of their own home but they want the guests to shoulder all the work and expense.

When I invite people over, I fully expect to feed them and always have plenty of food. When they ask what to bring, I usually reply something along the lines of "just yourselves." I don't think anyone still feels obligated to bring something. But some people like to anyway, and I don't care either way... Still don't get why it would bother anyone. Seems to be a split vote.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

When I invite people over, I fully expect to feed them and always have plenty of food. When they ask what to bring, I usually reply something along the lines of "just yourselves." I don't think anyone still feels obligated to bring something. But some people like to anyway, and I don't care either way... Still don't get why it would bother anyone. Seems to be a split vote.

FYI, I wasn't trying to single you out, just so you know. You were the first person to mention the effort on the guest's part and that's my issue with it, so that's why I quoted you. Then I ended up going off on a tangent.

 

[Jaime4004]

FYI, I wasn't trying to single you out, just so you know. You were the first person to mention the effort on the guest's part and that's my issue with it, so that's why I quoted you. Then I ended up going off on a tangent.

I get it, i'm the queen of tangents. We could start another spin off thread

 

[disney4us2002]

I voted as such, if asked not to bring anything, I would comply as a guest. If as a host, someone brought something, requested or not, I would smile and put it out. That's the decent thing to do as my mom taught me. I also do not like confrontation so I tend to be the peacemaker in my group.

 

[Missy1961]

I'm not sure I've ever attended (much less hosted) a gathering where food wouldn't be welcomed. So, I don't really feel any of the poll options fit me.

Yeah, that's the same for me. But I do ask before I bring anything, and if I'm told that nothing is needed, I don't bring food but I might bring wine. Since I don't drink wine, I don't care if they take it and drink it later - it was brought as a gift.

But I have to admit I had no idea it was so horrible to bring food to a party. I've always asked because I don't want to waste my time or money making things that people don't want. I guess you learn something new all the time.

 

[mmouse37]

Ok, I've been loving Jim's Seinfeld thread, not because I was ever a Seinfeld fan but because it's generated some great, evocative posts! Clearly this issue calls for a poll!

Personally, I think it's the guests who are in the wrong when they bring unsolicited food to a dinner party - period. That said, I agree with the people who point out that a gracious hostess makes their guests feel comfortable so I would serve the dish in some way. It would tick me off though - I plan menus very carefully and take a lot of pleasure in spreading a nice table. As a guest, I would never DREAM of imposing a dish on somebody else's meal. So really, there's two sides to this question. (NOTE: We are specifically NOT talking about pot-lucks or group dinners here where it is assumed everyone is pitching in.)

PS: The poll is multiple-choice; you can pick more than one answer!

The poll should say DINNER party. If the gathering was a party, with no specific instructions either way, I would definitely bring a dessert or something like wine (not talking about a pot luck but just a regular old party).

If it was a dinner party and I asked the hostess if I could bring anything and they said no then I would not.

MJ

 

[ronandannette]

The poll should say DINNER party. If the gathering was a party, with no specific instructions either way, I would definitely bring a dessert or something like wine (not talking about a pot luck but just a regular old party).

If it was a dinner party and I asked the hostess if I could bring anything and they said no then I would not.

MJ

I'm hosting a "regular old party" tomorrow. It's not dinner, but the menu is set, according to a specific theme chosen for this particular event and I hope nobody brings anything.

 

[Carina]

I can't belive how many people sound so horrified at the thought of someone bringing food that would "ruin your menu"

You're acting like you have to put someones spam & Hashbrown casserole beside your filet mignon.

Is your menu really that set in stone that your BFF's Caesar Salad is going to ruin everything? And who is it ruining it for, was the Queen also invited?

And how does an additional salad or dessert ruin a menu? As I doubt anyone is showing up with an alternate main dish ( or a spam casserole for that matter).

I think this may be the epitome of trivial things to worry about!

 

[NMAmy]

I can't belive how many people sound so horrified at the thought of someone bringing food that would "ruin your menu"

I know, it's strange, isn't it? Including the very cynical motives that have been attributed to a guest in their home.

My parents did a lot of entertaining and so do I. Potlucks, more formal dinner parties, overnight guests--they happen pretty often at my house. My parents always taught us in the To Kill a Mockingbird vein of having a guest in the house--if someone wants to pour syrup all over their dinner and then eat your tablecloth, you be a gracious hostess and let them.

I've seen a lot of threads with the whole "my house, my rules" spouted a lot which I find very strange, as well. Grown people who are guests in my home and are not hurting anyone or breaking any laws can do as they wish.

I would not bring food to a party if I was asked not to. But I would never dream of making someone in my home feel humiliated if they brought food. My guests' comfort is my first concern and my menu is never so inflexible that something else cannot be included. I also have enough confidence in my cooking abilities to not feel insecure if someone else gets accolades over their cooking. It's not all about me--it's all about my guests.

 

[Gigi22]

If people want to bring something, I would prefer that they not bring foods to which my DH may be allergic. When I prepare everything I know it is all safe for him, and I don't have to worry about cross contamination during the preparation. If anyone brings something, I'll be gracious and serve it, but I can't be absolutely certain that it is allergen-free.

 

[Ceila]

I think a lot of the "don't ruin my menu" silliness stems from the Martha Stewart how-to-have-a-perfect-party era. She and others like her always stress matching the food to the place settings to the table decorations to the invitations to everything else, but there was never even a mention of how to be a gracious host/hostess.

There is a mindset now that the host/hostess must ensure that every aspect of the party coordinate, and the only way to actually accomplish that is by controlling every little detail. When someone throws that off by bringing food (or even flowers), the host/hostess gets offended instead of seeing it for the kindness that it was.

I do know that it is impolite to bring food or flowers without checking with the host/hostess and getting an "OK" first. But even when hosting a formal dinner, I would never in a million years look down on the person who brought it, much less make them feel bad for doing so. Like the poster above me, I'm confident enough in my party-throwing abilities to not let something like that bother me in the least.

 

[Laura66]

I think people are missing the point. It's not so much about someone actually bringing a dish.

It's when you offer to bring a dish and are TOLD not to and then bring one anyway. That is so unbelievably rude on so many levels! It has nothing to do with the hostess at that point and everything to do with the guest.

 

[ronandannette]

I think people are missing the point. It's not so much about someone actually bringing a dish.

It's when you offer to bring a dish and are TOLD not to and then bring one anyway. That is so unbelievably rude on so many levels! It has nothing to do with the hostess at that point and everything to do with the guest.

Yes. And for those of you who are "making a fuss" about those of us who are "making a fuss" over this issue, only 2 people in the poll said they wouldn't serve the unsolicited food. I think we all agree that as hosts, our goal is to be gracious and provide warm hospitality to our guests. But you know what? As a guest, I want to be gracious and well-mannered too, in response to the kindness of the invitation. With that in mind, I think it's the comfort-level of the HOST that trumps mine. And as for silliness? If anyone tries to eat my tablecloth, they will be stopped - even if I have to "get rude" about it.

 

[NMAmy]

I think people are missing the point. It's not so much about someone actually bringing a dish.

It's when you offer to bring a dish and are TOLD not to and then bring one anyway. That is so unbelievably rude on so many levels! It has nothing to do with the hostess at that point and everything to do with the guest.

I'm not missing the point. But I learned long ago that I cannot control other people's actions. The only thing I can control is my reaction. So, for me, it does have something to do with me as the hostess and my actions.

I can go around pointing out who has not followed proper etiquette (or pointing it out in my head) or I can just go with the flow and I and my guest both get to have an enjoyable time.

 

[NMAmy]

And as for silliness? If anyone tries to eat my tablecloth, they will be stopped - even if I have to "get rude" about it.

I must not have been clear--I was referencing To Kill A Mockingbird.

"That boy is your company. And if he wants to eat up that tablecloth, you let him, you hear?”

That was very much my mother's and grandmothers' brand of hostessing and mine, as well.

And I think we established in another thread that we have very different opinions on guests. It's okay. My friends and family know what to expect from me and yours, I'm sure, know what to expect from you and it's all good.

 

[ronandannette]

I must not have been clear--I was referencing To Kill A Mockingbird.

"That boy is your company. And if he wants to eat up that tablecloth, you let him, you hear?”

That was very much my mother's and grandmothers' brand of hostessing and mine, as well.

And I think we established in another thread that we have very different opinions on guests. It's okay. My friends and family know what to expect from me and yours, I'm sure, know what to expect from you and it's all good.

No, I didn't miss it. But hyperbole aside, can we agree that there is equal onus on EVERYONE in a given social situation to be mannerly and considerate of one another?

 

[Bluestars]

I'm not missing the point. But I learned long ago that I cannot control other people's actions. The only thing I can control is my reaction. So, for me, it does have something to do with me as the hostess and my actions.

I can go around pointing out who has not followed proper etiquette (or pointing it out in my head) or I can just go with the flow and I and my guest both get to have an enjoyable time.

Exactly. Some people might not realize that when a host says no food, she really means no food and that it will mess up her menu. I think if a person is so worried about her menu being messed up, she should be very clear with her guests and tell them that if they bring food it will mess up her menu and will not be appreciated. Maybe add that if they bring something, it will not be served. That way the guest knows that the person means business and is very strict about their rules.

If someone does something they think is nice, such as bringing a dish to a party, then a good hostess will thank the guest and not make them feel uncomfortable. I still don't see how one dish can be so horrible that it will mess up someone's menu unless the event is a wedding or something like that.
Some people get upset about the most insignificant things.

 

[NMAmy]

No, I didn't miss it. But hyperbole aside, can we agree that there is equal onus on EVERYONE in a given social situation to be mannerly and considerate of one another?

No, I don't think we can agree. I don't feel that the other person is being inconsiderate as much as just a bit clueless and socially awkward. I think they had good intentions and I won't condemn them for that.

As I said above, I can't control anyone's actions but my own.