What Do You REALLY Think About Guests Bringing Food?

[TipsyTraveler]

Love it! I would so bring peanut brittle into an allergen-free home. 1) to establish dominance. I like my host to know that at any time I could invade their home and take whatever I feel. 2) similar to jail, to establish a hierarchy at the party I would want the other guest to know that they do not mess with me. 3) every good party has at least 1 person die.

to the DISboards. You're going to get along well here.

 

[Lilliputian]

I can only think about this in my own shoes, and sometimes unsolicited food makes me want to burst into tears. We have life-threatening food allergies, and some people don't get that I seriously can't allow certain foods into our house. They'll even make an attempt, like getting something that's gluten-free, but we have allergies to so many other things. Putting the food out is absolutely dangerous because there are some foods that if we get just a tiny little crumb, it could mean a very serious reaction.

There's one guest we have sometimes who can't come into our house without food. She's from another country, and I think it must be cultural. She's gotten better now and mostly brings fruit, which I appreciate. It used to be things with foods that were really deadly to us, and she had a young child who as always anxious to eat whatever goody she'd brought. I'd serve it, but I made a big deal out of how we were using disposable dishes so that my own dishes didn't get forbidden foods on them, wouldn't touch things I was personally allergic to, etc. I know she means well, but there are foods that are almost as deadly to us as rat poison. We just can't have them in the house. Some guests will insist that I tell them what we're allergic to, but the list is extensive, and they don't understand cross-contamination. I just can't let other people take our lives into their own hands.

If you don't know the host incredibly well, don't bring food. You don't know what kind of issues there might be. Even if you do know the host well, it's still more polite to do what the host asks, but you can do the "Are you SURE you don't want me to bring anything?" question with people you know well.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

Totally OT but now you've got me curious. I'm not an "animal person" - don't they have some sort of instinct not to eat something that will kill them? I thought cats were carnivorous and wouldn't expect them to go after a plant.

No, many cats love to chew on plants. Think catnip.

 

[BSmithington]

to the DISboards. You're going to get along well here.

Thanks for the welcome. I've been around a long time. I had an invisible disability that kept me from posting.

 

[Andtototoo]

If it's a formal dinner party (which do people even still do formal dinner parties? Not around here, I can tell you that -- you can't even get people to dress nicely for formal weddings here), I would bring a bottle of wine. I would not expect the wine to be served at that meal, it's more of a thank you to the host for going to the trouble of having us.

If it's a bbq or something casual, I'd ask if I could bring something because it feels really cheesy to me to show up without anything. But if the host were clear about not wanting anything brought in, I would not. And truthfully, every single time the host says not to bring something, some guest ends up running out to get something the host forgot or ran out of. LOL

And if I were throwing the party, the only time I'd be offended would be if someone brought food because they thought I could not possibly do it right or have enough food. In other words, my MIL.

So for me, it's all about intent. Did the person intend to be helpful or not?

 

[kirstenb1]

Same here. I find this thread interesting, had no idea so many people would be offended by someone bringing food! Wouldn't be a blip on my radar... The more the merrier, I think it's thoughtful. Happy to have similiar-minded friends.

Agree!!! Around here, everyone always asks what they can bring. If I'm hosting, I generally plan the main course, a side or 2, a dessert and that's it. Since I know everyone will ask, I try to leave some side dishes or desserts open. Same thing if we're going somewhere, we ask what we can bring. I love this tradition, because I've gotten many new recipe ideas from foods friends and family have brought. I guess we all just feel awkward if we're not contributing.

 

[Wendy31]

I have been raised to never show up to a party empty handed. I have never been to a party where bringing food is frowned upon. The more the merrier is my thinking.

Same here. I find this thread interesting, had no idea so many people would be offended by someone bringing food! Wouldn't be a blip on my radar... The more the merrier, I think it's thoughtful. Happy to have similiar-minded friends.

And that's fine, if you know your host/hostess well, & potluck & "the more the merrier" type get-togethers are the norm.

But, if you're invited to a party/dinner/event & either (a) you don't know the hostess well or (b) you ask & have been told to please not bring anything, then it's rude to go ahead & bring a dish that you expect to be served during the dinner/party/event.

A quick word of caution to the mentions of bringing Easter Lilies -- Please don't give those to anyone who has cats. They are extremely deadly. I used to work in veterinary critical care and it was absolutely heartbreaking how many young, healthy cats I watched die every Easter due to lily ingestion. It's best to avoid giving any type of flowers/plant to someone with pets.

Thank you!! I didn't know that about Easter Lilies! (I did know that poinsettias were extremely poisonous to pets.) Thankfully, I've only ever given Easter Lilies to my mother & to my mother-in-law. My inlaws don't have any pets, &, at the time, my parents didn't either. (They have a cat now.) And this is something I'll definitely keep in mind now!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I have never attended parties where bringing food is ever an issue.

That being said, if I did not know the people, I would not bring food.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

Thank you!! I didn't know that about Easter Lilies! (I did know that poinsettias were extremely poisonous to pets.) Thankfully, I've only ever given Easter Lilies to my mother & to my mother-in-law. My inlaws don't have any pets, &, at the time, my parents didn't either. (They have a cat now.) And this is something I'll definitely keep in mind now!

The funny thing is poinsettias are not actually that dangerous but they have the reputation. Poinsettia ingestion usually results in some mild to moderate GI upset. It's along the lines of eating something that doesn't agree with you. Easter Lilies, on the other hand, are so extremely deadly and no one seems to know that. Your pet can die just from licking the petals or drinking out of the vase. They're terrible. I feel like it should be against the law to sell them without a warning label.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

...so, do you all then go ahead and bring something anyway? Does the hostess actually expect you to?

No and no. There's no extra unspoken message here. Although as Wendy31 mentioned, the ritual does go on a little bit:

Family: "Are you sure?"

Host: "Yes, we are fine. Thanks, though."

Sometimes we do say to bring rolls, or drinks, or something ("If you'd like"... so no, pressure).

 

[Jaime4004]

And that's fine, if you know your host/hostess well, & potluck & "the more the merrier" type get-togethers are the norm.

But, if you're invited to a party/dinner/event & either (a) you don't know the hostess well or (b) you ask & have been told to please not bring anything, then it's rude to go ahead & bring a dish that you expect to be served during the dinner/party/event.

We'll have to agree to disagree! I just don't see it as rude. But it's interesting to note that so many do. Honestly though, I would avoid attending a dinner party where I didn't know the host well or knew that they were that uptight, so it wouldn't be a problem for me.

 

[LBIJim]

I gotta qualify my advice about bringing fancy cookies as a hostess gift. Don't do it if you're invited to Real NJ Housewife Theresa's home. Sister-in-law Melissa once brought over some "sprinkle cookies," whatever they are, and pre-jailbird Theresa dumped them in the trash, with the excuse that they weren't homemade. I think they only talked about this and didn't show it. I don't remember if she dumped them in front of SIL's face. Stay Klassy, Theresa!!

 

[Wendy31]

We'll have to agree to disagree! I just don't see it as rude. But it's interesting to note that so many do. Honestly though, I would avoid attending a dinner party where I didn't know the host well or knew that they were that uptight, so it wouldn't be a problem for me.

Well, I've asked 2 separate times, so I'll ask again...

For the people who just show up w/ food, do you not worry that what you're bringing the host is already serving? I mean, what happens if you walk in the door w/ your baked macaroni & cheese & your hostess is just pulling her baked macaroni & cheese out of the oven? The hostess then has to serve both dishes while the other guests are forced to choose whose dish they eat.

In both mine & DH's families, we all bring dishes to family get-togethers, but I always ask & see what's needed before I just show up w/ something. I'm not bringing broccoli casserole if my sister is also bringing a broccoli casserole.

Anyway, I'm not uptight at all about stuff like this (at least I don't think I am! ), and, if you came to our house w/ a dish to share, I'd serve it because I wouldn't want to make you feel uncomfortable. And who wants to have an awkward get-together! As my BIL likes to say, "It's all good."

However, if I've already planned my menu & planned how we're serving the menu items (coordinated serving dishes & utensils, where the dishes are going on the buffet, etc.), having to stop & fit in your dish could cause me a little stress.

And, again, if it's the norm in your circle of family & friends to always bring a dish to share at a get-together, that's fine. But there are occasions where it's not appropriate.

 

[LBIJim]

I think for some it feels awkward to show up to someone's home empty handed. I think the best bet is just to know your host. I never mind if someone brings something. Now when I'm headed out to someone else's home I ask.

Just recently DH and I attended a surprise 30th birthday party. The gal who hosted it just finished culinary school and we "knew" that she wouldn't want anyone else to bring food. Well, some friends of ours found a recipe on Pinterest that she just had to make and bring and it brought our host almost to tears. People loved it though and I think that hurt her worse.

Yep, that was an intentional hostile act by a "helpful" guest.

As for the hostess, it's her party and she can cry if she wants to.....

OK, OK, I'll stick with my day job and go back to work.

 

[Mizzoufan]

Well, I've asked 2 separate times, so I'll ask again...

For the people who just show up w/ food, do you not worry that what you're bringing the host is already serving? I mean, what happens if you walk in the door w/ your baked macaroni & cheese & your hostess is just pulling her baked macaroni & cheese out of the oven? The hostess then has to serve both dishes while the other guests are forced to choose whose dish they eat.

I'm not uptight at all about stuff like this (at least I don't think I am! ), and, if you came to our house w/ a dish to share, I'd serve it because I wouldn't want to make you feel uncomfortable.

However, if I've already planned my menu & planned how we're serving the menu items (coordinated serving dishes & utensils, where the dishes are going on the buffet, etc.), having to stop & fit in your dish could cause me a little stress.

And, again, if it's the norm in your circle of family & friends to always bring a dish to share at a get-together, that's fine. But there are occasions where it's not appropriate.

. It wouldn't bother me in the slightest if I brought the same thing the hostess made. I would say okay save it for later or if you run out. Even if they didn't put it out wouldn't hurt my feelings at all.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

I gotta qualify my advice about bringing fancy cookies as a hostess gift.

Don't bring them to my house, either, for Christmas. My family goes all-out making Christmas cookies. Everybody knows this. You bring some store-bought cookies to Christmas dinner to my house, it's a slap in the face.

 

[LBIJim]

Well, I've asked 2 separate times, so I'll ask again...

For the people who just show up w/ food, do you not worry that what you're bringing the host is already serving? I mean, what happens if you walk in the door w/ your baked macaroni & cheese & your hostess is just pulling her baked macaroni & cheese out of the oven? The hostess then has to serve both dishes while the other guests are forced to choose whose dish they eat.

.

Did you really expect such people to respond to your question? We already know the answer. No, they don't worry about such things. After all, it's all about what THEY want to do; who cares if it clashes with the host's plans....

 

[pigletgirl]

Don't bring them to my house, either, for Christmas. My family goes all-out making Christmas cookies. Everybody knows this. You bring some store-bought cookies to Christmas dinner to my house, it's a slap in the face.

That is a very prideful statement. And who knows, what if the store bought cookies are better than the ones you make?

Graciously accept them and move on. They're just cookies!

 

[LBIJim]

Don't bring them to my house, either, for Christmas. My family goes all-out making Christmas cookies. Everybody knows this. You bring some store-bought cookies to Christmas dinner to my house, it's a slap in the face.

Great....you understand how some hosts feel about bringing unsolicted food.

Would it be OK to bring them some other time than Christmas? If someone committed the mortal sin of bringing them to Christmas dinner, would you throw them in the trash later, or even in front of their face?

 

[Paradise18]

I wouldn't bring something unsolicited. I would ask. If they said no, then I would bring a hostess gift or perhaps a bottle of wine (if they drink), but I would not expect that wine to be served AT dinner if it didn't go with the food.

Conversely, I never have had a fancy enough meal with enough people that I wouldn't put out what someone had brought.

I agree with this. I will always ask if there is anything I can bring and if the offer is declined I respect it. I will then bring a hostess gift.