What Do You REALLY Think About Guests Bringing Food?

[LBIJim]

I'm not sure I've ever attended (much less hosted) a gathering where food wouldn't be welcomed. So, I don't really feel any of the poll options fit me.

That's why polls always need to have an "Other" option.

What on earth would the motivation for this have been? In this case I find the guest's actions particularly rude. I also note with interest that one poll response says they bring something even when specifically asked not to. Why do you do that?[/QUOTEy]

It's like Emom said in the other thread. A guest who insists on bringing something after being requested not to
1. Is attempting to upstage the hostess
2. Is implying that the hostess's food isn't good enough
3. Is fishing for compliments about the uninvited food
4. Wants the focus of the party directed toward the food bringer
5. Is intentionally taking a dig at the hostess
Overall, an extremely hostile act disguised as "helping" or "caring."

 

[pooksma]

I always bring something of the bottle variety (if the hosts are so inclined) and always ask if I can bring anything else. My mom taught me to at least offer.

 

[lan3]

What on earth would the motivation for this have been? In this case I find the guest's actions particularly rude. I also note with interest that one poll response says they bring something even when specifically asked not to. Why do you do that?

I think they probably think that the person is just being polite. If I host a family gathering, if people ask me if they can bring something, I always say "everything is covered." I always have everything that is needed but a lot of people still bring food and I am appreciative.

I do believe that nobody should show up to a party empty handed. I usually bring a desert or wine to a party unless it is a gift giving occasion. The poll did not say to bring food if you were told not to. It says to bring something and I would bring wine or a hostess gift or chocolate or another token of thanks.

 

[LBIJim]

My overall thoughts:

If it's already the established norm in your circle to bring something unsolicited, fine.

If going someplace new or if you're unsure, in most cases it's OK to ask the hostess if she'd like you to bring something. If she says it's OK, great. If she declines, respect her wishes.

For something more formal, say dinner with your co-workers and their spouses at the boss's house, absolutely not. Don't bring any food, and don't even ask the hostess if you can.

In any situation, if you simply cannot arrive empty handed, bring wine, chocolates, premium boxed cookies (not Chips Ahoy), or the like. And don't expect them to be served right then and there. Flowers might cause a problem; it's better to skip them.

Your world-famous crabmeat stuffed mushrooms caps are likely very delicious, but unless it's approved by the hostess in advance, save them for your own party.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

I don't go to dinner parties outside of family events. I just don't. If I did, I might bring a bottle of wine if I remembered.

Family events in my family go like this:

Host (usually us): "You are invited to Thanksgiving/Christmas/Easter Dinner at ____ o'clock."

Family member being invited: "Do you want me to bring anything?"

Host (usually): "No, we're fine".

 

[ronandannette]

[

My overall thoughts:

If it's already the established norm in your circle to bring something unsolicited, fine.

If going someplace new or if you're unsure, in most cases it's OK to ask the hostess if she'd like you to bring something. If she says it's OK, great. If she declines, respect her wishes.

For something more formal, say dinner with your co-workers and their spouses at the boss's house, absolutely not. Don't bring any food, and don't even ask the hostess if you can.

In any situation, if you simply cannot arrive empty handed, bring wine, chocolates, premium boxed cookies (not Chips Ahoy), or the like. And don't expect them to be served right then and there. Flowers might cause a problem; it's better to skip them.

Your world-famous crabmeat stuffed mushrooms caps are likely very delicious, but unless it's approved by the hostess in advance, save them for your own party.

I've got to say I love this post, especially the bolded. And as for the PP who mentioned somebody who brought a cheesecake to a catered function...seriously?

 

[Wendy31]

I don't go to dinner parties outside of family events. I just don't. If I did, I might bring a bottle of wine if I remembered.

Family events in my family go like this:

Host (usually us): "You are invited to Thanksgiving/Christmas/Easter Dinner at ____ o'clock."

Family member being invited: "Do you want me to bring anything?"

Host (usually): "No, we're fine".

To which I would probably say, "Are you sure?"

And when you repeat, "No, we're good," I would then NOT bring a dish.

Instead, at your Thanksgiving Dinner, if I knew your family didn't drink alcohol, I'd probably come in the door w/ something like a Christmas candle to be used during the upcoming holiday season. For your Christmas dinner, I'd probably come in the door w/ a Christmas tin of candies and/or cookies. And, for your Easter dinner, I may have some spring flowers - like an Easter Lily or some tulips already in a vase. There are all sorts of little hostess gifts... anything to which the host or hostess can easily respond, "Thank you" & then put whatever aside & not have to deal w/ it until after the party/dinner/event.

I asked this on the previous page, but it got lost. So I'll ask again -

For the people who just show up w/ food, do you not worry that what you're bringing the host is already serving? I mean, what happens if you walk in the door w/ your baked macaroni & cheese & your hostess is just pulling her baked macaroni & cheese out of the oven? The hostess then has to serve both dishes while the other guests are forced to choose whose dish they eat.

Or, like in the other thread, a person came in the door w/ a huge fruit platter, & the hostess already had fruit she planned on serving. It's rude.

 

[ronandannette]

I don't go to dinner parties outside of family events. I just don't. If I did, I might bring a bottle of wine if I remembered.

Family events in my family go like this:

Host (usually us): "You are invited to Thanksgiving/Christmas/Easter Dinner at ____ o'clock."

Family member being invited: "Do you want me to bring anything?"

Host (usually): "No, we're fine".

...so, do you all then go ahead and bring something anyway? Does the hostess actually expect you to?

 

[OrangeBirdGirl]

It would tick me off though - I plan menus very carefully and take a lot of pleasure in spreading a nice table.

I can totally relate to this comment. As a hostess I agree I want my table to look beautiful and that means my dishes all fit into the coordinating china serving platters and bowls and are served with my coordinating "fancy" utensils. I do not want people bringing me a dish and having the serving container not match. Some may call me a snob for saying that. But bottom line is, I don't want people bringing stuff to my house. If I'm having a dinner party, I want guests to be able to show up. I don't want to burden people by asking them to make something. I think it is very nice if they offer to bring something but I politely decline. I just say "just bring yourselves". If they show up with a dish for dinner after I've said that I will serve it. I'm not going to be rude about it.

But based upon my philosophy I don't like when people want me to bring stuff to their house either. I always ask to be polite and it bothers me when they tell me what to bring.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

I don't understand why people feel a need to bring food to a party. What's wrong with just showing up and having a good time?

To the people who defend it as nothing more than a nice gesture that isn't worth getting bent out of shape over, would you still defend it if a guest brought a tray of peanut brittle into an allergen-free home?

There was a thread a few days ago about unmarried overnight guests being asked to sleep in separate rooms. Most everyone agreed, as do I, your house your rules. To me this is an extension of that. The host should have the right to retain control over the party s/he is throwing without being undermined by "well-meaning" guests.

 

[Mizzoufan]

I have been raised to never show up to a party empty handed. I have never been to a party where bringing food is frowned upon. The more the merrier is my thinking.

 

[BSmithington]

I do think that if one is hosting a dinner party, at their home/expense, for their benefit.. like a personal birthday party, then it would be rude to bring something without having spoken to the host(ess) first. They might have specific plans. In that case, the event is planned with the one person who is reason for the event in mind.

On the other side, I have seen comments, here on the DIS, where it was a general family thing, like Christmas, and the one single person presumed to control the whole holiday family and loved-one's get together. And, to me, THAT is even way, way, way, more rude.

In any case, I say, the more the merrier!!!!!
If somebody brings their special dessert, or nice bottle of wine, what-ever... I say eat-drink-and-be merry. No matter what.
Why should there be ANY negativity involved at all???

Well, I do know why somebody would have a negative reaction to a positive gesture... I will just leave it at that.
Don't want to offend anybody and risk getting flamed, or a warning, or points.

In-laws! So many red flags.

 

[BSmithington]

I never bring unsolicited food to someone's home when invited for dinner. Unless I ask them "what can I bring?" (and I always do) and they say it's okay to bring something, or even ask me to bring a specific dish. But if they say "nothing" then that's what I bring. Nothing.

I prefer my own dinner guests do not bring unsolicited food either unless they ask and I tell them they can bring something, or ask them to bring a specific dish. I usually have my menu planned out and if someone brings something else, then of course I smile and serve it but it's more work. I remember one year at Christmas we invited my cousin and his wife, and since they had a long drive I specifically told her not to bring anything, we had the meal covered. So what does she do? She brings two peach pies, uncut. I graciously took them, of course, and never said a word. But I had to cut them, and find a place for them on the table, and then wash the pie plates for her (I wouldn't send them home with her dirty).

If I feel the need to "bring something" to someone's home when invited for dinner I would bring a "thank you" card with a gift card inside, or a bottle of wine they could have another time, a nice candle (if I know the hostess likes them), something like that. Some non-food item that doesn't have to be dealt with before dinner.

A Peach Pie! Peach! What was she thinking Everyone knows apple is less work to cut than Peach! If it were my cousin I would never speak to them again. Sorry but making you a) find a place on a table b) cut the pies and c) wash the plate is 2-4 minutes you will never get back. I'm sorry you had to deal with this.

 

[Jaime4004]

This falls into the "life's too short" category for me, I have to say. I only socialize with the most cool, relaxed group of people. Nobody I know gets bent over things like this.

Same here. I find this thread interesting, had no idea so many people would be offended by someone bringing food! Wouldn't be a blip on my radar... The more the merrier, I think it's thoughtful. Happy to have similiar-minded friends.

 

[mom2rose&john]

My overall thoughts:

If it's already the established norm in your circle to bring something unsolicited, fine.

If going someplace new or if you're unsure, in most cases it's OK to ask the hostess if she'd like you to bring something. If she says it's OK, great. If she declines, respect her wishes.

For something more formal, say dinner with your co-workers and their spouses at the boss's house, absolutely not. Don't bring any food, and don't even ask the hostess if you can.

In any situation, if you simply cannot arrive empty handed, bring wine, chocolates, premium boxed cookies (not Chips Ahoy), or the like. And don't expect them to be served right then and there. Flowers might cause a problem; it's better to skip them.

Your world-famous crabmeat stuffed mushrooms caps are likely very delicious, but unless it's approved by the hostess in advance, save them for your own party.

^This is my feeling on the subject!

If I am hosting a family holiday party it's usually a pot luck and any and all food or drink is put out and appreciated.

If I am hosting an invite Birthday, Confirmation, Grad party I would not expect anyone to bring something. It's a party where they are a guest and I do not feel they should bring something. If they do bring something it is graciously apprectiated and put on the table.

 

[Pigeon]

I'll usually bring a bottle of wine or a box of candy, and I certainly don't think the hostess needs to serve either with the meal. They are a small hostess gift unconnected to dinner.

I do ask if people want me to bring things. I have one SIL who will tell you exactly what to bring, right down to the recipe to use, and it's always one of the Cooks Illustrated varieties that take 1,000 ingredients and dirty every pot in your house.

I hate it when people bring unsolicited food, and I don't ask them to bring things. I plan the menu for a reason.

 

[BSmithington]

I don't understand why people feel a need to bring food to a party. What's wrong with just showing up and having a good time?

To the people who defend it as nothing more than a nice gesture that isn't worth getting bent out of shape over, would you still defend it if a guest brought a tray of peanut brittle into an allergen-free home?

There was a thread a few days ago about unmarried overnight guests being asked to sleep in separate rooms. Most everyone agreed, as do I, your house your rules. To me this is an extension of that. The host should have the right to retain control over the party s/he is throwing without being undermined by "well-meaning" guests.

Love it! I would so bring peanut brittle into an allergen-free home. 1) to establish dominance. I like my host to know that at any time I could invade their home and take whatever I feel. 2) similar to jail, to establish a hierarchy at the party I would want the other guest to know that they do not mess with me. 3) every good party has at least 1 person die.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

A quick word of caution to the mentions of bringing Easter Lilies -- Please don't give those to anyone who has cats. They are extremely deadly. I used to work in veterinary critical care and it was absolutely heartbreaking how many young, healthy cats I watched die every Easter due to lily ingestion. It's best to avoid giving any type of flowers/plant to someone with pets.

 

[LBIJim]

[



I've got to say I love this post, especially the bolded. And as for the PP who mentioned somebody who brought a cheesecake to a catered function...seriously?

LOL,,,,well,
someone DID bring a cheesecake to my catered wedding reception. OK, OK, it was an "open house" reception in our home and yard, but it WAS catered. Yes, the cheesecake was served alongside the catered desserts.

I gotta say bringing a cheesecake to a fancy catered reception is nothing compared to bringing along two uninvited grandkids, like one couple did at my cousin's wedding.

 

[ronandannette]

A quick word of caution to the mentions of bringing Easter Lilies -- Please don't give those to anyone who has cats. They are extremely deadly. I used to work in veterinary critical care and it was absolutely heartbreaking how many young, healthy cats I watched die every Easter due to lily ingestion. It's best to avoid giving any type of flowers/plant to someone with pets.

Totally OT but now you've got me curious. I'm not an "animal person" - don't they have some sort of instinct not to eat something that will kill them? I thought cats were carnivorous and wouldn't expect them to go after a plant.