What do you do if you really dislike your child's girlfriend?

[bunny]

I know of no solution. I will say a prayer for your family.

For now we have decided that we will pray about it and keep telling him how proud we are of him for working so hard. I hope eventually he will realize what kind of a person she is. It is hard since he is no longer allowed to associate with any of his friends, so he doesn't get any advice from friends. She only allows him to work, go to school and be with her.

 

[Pigeon]

Stay out of it. He's an adult and can make his own mistakes. Keep your mouth shut and be pleasant. The only thing you'll accomplish by badmouthing her is to ruin your relationship with him.

 

[luvsJack]

For now we have decided that we will pray about it and keep telling him how proud we are of him for working so hard. I hope eventually he will realize what kind of a person she is. It is hard since he is no longer allowed to associate with any of his friends, so he doesn't get any advice from friends. She only allows him to work, go to school and be with her.

I feel for you and your husband. Its really hard to think your child (whatever age they are) is bound and determined to make a huge mistake. Maybe he will get tired of the ball and chain act?

I can only tell you from my own experience that they really do hear you even if they are not ready to listen quite yet. Maybe giving him your opinion of this person will give him the abilty to see her in a true light. I would tell him what you think and then let him know once you have your say, whatever he chooses to do is up to him and that you will be there for him no matter what.

It is too obvious that this girl is out to use him. How many girls move their mother in with their boyfriend!! And the whole baby thing is just too obvious.

 

[joyjoy]

It's a bad situation, no doubt. I totally feel your pain as I have a daughter in her early 20s and it has been next to impossible for me to keep my opinions to myself. BUT - at some point, and it's probably the point where they move out and start paying their own way, you have to just rely on the upbringing you've given them, and pray for the best. You've raised the boy, ahem- MAN- so surely he knows what's right and wrong. He is playing house right now, and he'll get over it. The apples don't fall too far from the tree, so I think you should trust that he shares you and your husband's values.

Good luck. It's hard.

 

[lovemygoofy]

I'm sure my answer won't be popular. Instead of judging this girl, who obviously doesn't know any better or wasn't taught better, try to help this girl. She obviously means something to your son and they are living together. How about instead of making her out to be trash that he should walk away from, try to help her learn a different way. If this girl is wanting a baby that bad, it's not just because of the money train. She is looking for love.

I know it all sounds corny but I've seen it over and over again. When these people don't know better, they have to learn somewhere else. You can't do anything as he is an adult and making his own choices. You can love your son and try to help his girlfriend become a better woman.

 

[bunny]

I'm sure my answer won't be popular. Instead of judging this girl, who obviously doesn't know any better or wasn't taught better, try to help this girl. She obviously means something to your son and they are living together. How about instead of making her out to be trash that he should walk away from, try to help her learn a different way. If this girl is wanting a baby that bad, it's not just because of the money train. She is looking for love.

We actually took them to church with us on Sunday. Afterwards we talked to her a little bit about the service. She seemed somewhat open to talking about it. She told us she had only been to church a few other times with her grandmother. So maybe we planted a seed.

 

[lovemygoofy]

We actually took them to church with us on Sunday. Afterwards we talked to her a little bit about the service. She seemed somewhat open to talking about it. She told us she had only been to church a few other times with her grandmother. So maybe we planted a seed.

I'm not talking about the religious aspect. I'm talking about decency. Maybe she doesn't know any other way to act because she hasn't seen it. Seeing how "normal" couples interact and can love may help influence her. This may very well be the first decent guy she has dated and slowly starting to understand.

I know that being a Christian is important and acting in the manner you approve. That just isn't the most important thing right now. It's about showing her how to act like a lady and growing up to love and be loved. All that will fall in line with her religious choices.

 

[Ciao Mickey]

You don't approve of your adult son's choices regarding his girlfriend and their behavior. He lives on the other side of the country and his paying his way.

My only advise is to get over it and learn to be less judgemental.

Yes, you should be less judgmental!

After all, what parent wouldn't want their son to marry trash and then suffer for it the rest of his life????

 

[Ciao Mickey]

My stepson is 21 and I have been married to his dad since he was 6. He lives in Las Vegas and we live in Pennsylvania. He is currently in an electrician apprenticeship program which he will complete in 2.5 years. Last spring his girlfriend, her mother, and her little sister moved in with him after dating for a few months. She was at the time still in high school. Her mother was about to get evicted from their apartment, so he let them all move in with him. The mother btw has 4 kids with 3 or 4 different dads (2 of which she has lost custody of) and is currently married to yet another man that does not live with them. My stepson is paying most of the rent for their house and the mom contributes a little when she has a job. He shares a room with his girlfriend. The girlfriend is now working part time at the mini Grand Prix in Las Vegas. I think that is some kind of go cart track.

They came to visit us over Thanksgiving. I told them ahead of time they were not sleeping in the same room which they didn't but complained about. We are Christians and have 2 small children of our own, so that was definitely not happening for them. At first she seemed nice enough but looked very unkempt. But over the course of the weekend her behaviour went down hill. She got drunk at two holiday parties by sneaking alcohol into plain cups. They rented a porno one night after we went to bed and left it on the TV for me to discover when I woke up. (What kind of people do that!) She basically stayed glued to him the entire time, so we could never speak to him alone. She sat on his lap at Thanksgiving Dinner and was licking his neck, etc. You get the idea. She also didn't help with anything and kept her room (my 11 year old son's room) very messy. Needless to say I was very relieved to see her go home yesterday.

On top of that, she kept talking about babies. She ran away from our house on Saturday when we sat them down for "the talk". Basically we told them as Christians we were oppposed to them living together, but since they are adults there really isn't anything we can do. But above all, we urged them to be responsible with birth control. She was mad when we said they needed to wait to have a baby.

We are scared to death that she will get pregnant. His mother basically did that to my husband and two other men. In fact she is alot like his mother, so I am sure that is part of the attraction. I told him to not rely on her for birth control, but I have a feeling that fell on deaf ears. My husband is especially concerned since this was him about 22 years ago. I just don't see any future with her. She has no ambition other than becoming a mom. And she isn't very smart. My stepson has never been a saint but has always been respectful when he was in our home. I think she is a bad influence on him.

I would appreciate any suggestions about how to talk to him about her.

You are between a rock and a hard place. How do you expect to influence him when he is under her spell and across the country?

By him thinking it's OK to watch porn at your home makes me think that he has already crossed over to the dark side.

The only chance you have of saving him is if he comes home without her. Which seems unlikely at this point.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Wow.

In my home, I expect my house rules to be respected regardless of age and I would have simply asked my adult son to leave if he could not follow them.

To me the issue isn't whether or not you like the girlfriend, but the choices they are making together as guests in your home that are counter to what you approve of.

In general--if you don't like her, that's really a personal issue. We can't control who our kids date and interferring by trying to get them to break up or anything--is only going to make the partner more enticing.

My home, my rules and if they cannot be respected then you can't come over. that is how I would handle it. I would be hurt if a child chose not to visit me as a result, but I'm not a frat house and will not condone that type of behavior.

What they do outside of my home is strictly their business as it should be for your son and his GF.

Who knows--perhaps your family will be the loving influence that she needs.

Sometimes, those who seem on the wrong path do eventually find the right one.

And if she ends up pregnant--love the grandchild anyway. He or she would have done nothing wrong.

 

[Rora]

OP- I am so so sorry about this.

My extended family and I were in a situation like this recently with and to be honest, there's not much you can do. You just have to wait until either he realizes she's no good for him OR she grows up and things get better. What you plan to do (encouragement with school, endless love, etc) is perfect. You don't want to become the enemy.

Hang in there!!

 

[Acklander]

You do NOTHING. You stay out of his business and his personal life. You don't offer your take on their situation...that means you don't tell them that you don't approve of them living together, or tell them they need to wait to have a baby.

You butt out.

You offer love and support despite poor decisions, so that your stepson knows he can always call you for support. He is 21 and an adult. He WILL make bad choices. He WILL make mistakes.

What she said.

 

[AlleyKat]

My stepson is 21 and I have been married to his dad since he was 6. He lives in Las Vegas and we live in Pennsylvania. He is currently in an electrician apprenticeship program which he will complete in 2.5 years. Last spring his girlfriend, her mother, and her little sister moved in with him after dating for a few months. She was at the time still in high school. Her mother was about to get evicted from their apartment, so he let them all move in with him. The mother btw has 4 kids with 3 or 4 different dads (2 of which she has lost custody of) and is currently married to yet another man that does not live with them. My stepson is paying most of the rent for their house and the mom contributes a little when she has a job.

We are Christians

I would appreciate any suggestions about how to talk to him about her.

Yeow....

Start praying like there's no tomorrow!

 

[MusiqChic99]

An opinion is all you can give....however he will do what he wants to do. He is 21 years old. It's his decision who he dates. You dont have to be happy with his choices but you can't change them either.

 

[GoldieSaysMeep]

Really??? So basically all parenting ends at age 18? Having a baby out of wedlock with a girl whose biggest ambition is working a minimum wage job is a decision that he will have to deal with for the rest of his life.

Not all parenting, but a good portion of it does, yes. Remember when you were a kid and your mom would say “well you can do that when you move out and start paying your own bills?” I think everyone’s mom said that to them at one point of another. Well, your step son DID move out and IS paying his own bills, and apparently 3 other people’s as well.

Your job now is to give advice, and be an ear to talk to but otherwise just step back and stay out of it.

News flash. Most people are sexually active at 21. Christian or no. Most people are active when they are younger than that, actually. These are two grown adults in a consensual relationship and there is nothing you can do if your son doesn’t follow your own devout religious guidelines.

(And considering that his own father wasn’t following these guidelines either 22 years ago, you can’t really say he’s doing anything that unusual for a grown man to be doing. You talk about your husbands ex “doing this to him”… well he was apparently more than willing to have sex with the woman and impregnate her so it takes two to tango).

As for the drinking…why should she even have to sneak liquor at a holiday meal? She is presumably 21 years old and legal to drink. Unless she is a recovering alcoholic, I see nothing odd with a 21 year old woman drinking. Should she have gotten drunk? No. But maybe she was binge drinking because she felt she had to hide it?

She is not having a baby out of wedlock yet. Lots of young women talk about babies. Doesn’t mean they all run out and have them. Don’t assume she is not on BC. Don’t assume your son isn’t using BC. Don’t assume your son doesn’t want a baby too. You really don’t know. You don’t know what goes on behind their bedroom door.

Honestly, the only thing you mentioned that seems completely innapropriate to me is the porn (only because they are watching it on a shared area tv in your home) and the neck licking at the table. I’d be pretty grossed out if anyone was doing that in front of me. I probably would have pointed it out to them and tried to embarrass them so they’d realize how foolish they looked doing that at dinner.

Your son is grown man. He is supporting this woman and her mom and sister which, really, shows a great deal of integrity and responsibily. You’ve clearly instilled in him a great sense of duty to family. He is taking care of someone he cares for and her family. Seems like a noble thing to me.

You’ve given your advice to him. All you can do now is just back off.

 

[Acklander]

Really??? So basically all parenting ends at age 18? Having a baby out of wedlock with a girl whose biggest ambition is working a minimum wage job is a decision that he will have to deal with for the rest of his life.

Actually, yes - all parenting responsibilities ends at age 18. They are still family and you still love them, but at 18, when they're living on their own - your work is done. This is why it's so important to start letting your kids have more and more responsibilities through out their teens, so they're better equipped to handle the responsibilities and freedoms at 18.
If he wants to have a baby out of wedlock with a girl who makes minimum wage, that's his choice. He's an adult now.

 

[MusiqChic99]

Not all parenting, but a good portion of it does, yes. Remember when you were a kid and your mom would say “well you can do that when you move out and start paying your own bills?” I think everyone’s mom said that to them at one point of another. Well, your step son DID move out and IS paying his own bills, and apparently 3 other people’s as well.

Your job now is to give advice, and be an ear to talk to but otherwise just step back and stay out of it.

News flash. Most people are sexually active at 21. Christian or no. Most people are active when they are younger than that, actually. These are two grown adults in a consensual relationship and there is nothing you can do if your son doesn’t follow your own devout religious guidelines.

(And considering that his own father wasn’t following these guidelines either 22 years ago, you can’t really say he’s doing anything that unusual for a grown man to be doing. You talk about your husbands ex “doing this to him”… well he was apparently more than willing to have sex with the woman and impregnate her so it takes two to tango).

As for the drinking…why should she even have to sneak liquor at a holiday meal? She is presumably 21 years old and legal to drink. Unless she is a recovering alcoholic, I see nothing odd with a 21 year old woman drinking. Should she have gotten drunk? No. But maybe she was binge drinking because she felt she had to hide it?

She is not having a baby out of wedlock yet. Lots of young women talk about babies. Doesn’t mean they all run out and have them. Don’t assume she is not on BC. Don’t assume your son isn’t using BC. Don’t assume your son doesn’t want a baby too. You really don’t know. You don’t know what goes on behind their bedroom door.

Honestly, the only thing you mentioned that seems completely innapropriate to me is the porn (only because they are watching it on a shared area tv in your home) and the neck licking at the table. I’d be pretty grossed out if anyone was doing that in front of me. I probably would have pointed it out to them and tried to embarrass them so they’d realize how foolish they looked doing that at dinner.

Your son is grown man. He is supporting this woman and her mom and sister which, really, shows a great deal of integrity and responsibily. You’ve clearly instilled in him a great sense of duty to family. He is taking care of someone he cares for and her family. Seems like a noble thing to me.

You’ve given your advice to him. All you can do now is just back off.

I agree with everything you said!!!!

However if drinking was not allowed in their home, then I think she should have respected their house rules and not drank. (not sure if that was made clear in the original post though so I dont know if it was allowed or not)

 

[bunny]

(And considering that his own father wasn’t following these guidelines either 22 years ago, you can’t really say he’s doing anything that unusual for a grown man to be doing. You talk about your husbands ex “doing this to him”… well he was apparently more than willing to have sex with the woman and impregnate her so it takes two to tango).

When I said doing this to him, I was referring to leaving him for another man when his son was quite young. And then proceeding to have children with multiple fathers.

As for the drinking…why should she even have to sneak liquor at a holiday meal? She is presumably 21 years old and legal to drink. Unless she is a recovering alcoholic, I see nothing odd with a 21 year old woman drinking. Should she have gotten drunk? No. But maybe she was binge drinking because she felt she had to hide it?

She is 18.

Your son is grown man. He is supporting this woman and her mom and sister which, really, shows a great deal of integrity and responsibily. You’ve clearly instilled in him a great sense of duty to family. He is taking care of someone he cares for and her family. Seems like a noble thing to me.

I feel like her mother and her husband are taking advantage of him though.

 

[FireDancer]

Not all parenting, but a good portion of it does, yes. Remember when you were a kid and your mom would say “well you can do that when you move out and start paying your own bills?” I think everyone’s mom said that to them at one point of another. Well, your step son DID move out and IS paying his own bills, and apparently 3 other people’s as well.

Your job now is to give advice, and be an ear to talk to but otherwise just step back and stay out of it.

News flash. Most people are sexually active at 21. Christian or no. Most people are active when they are younger than that, actually. These are two grown adults in a consensual relationship and there is nothing you can do if your son doesn’t follow your own devout religious guidelines.

(And considering that his own father wasn’t following these guidelines either 22 years ago, you can’t really say he’s doing anything that unusual for a grown man to be doing. You talk about your husbands ex “doing this to him”… well he was apparently more than willing to have sex with the woman and impregnate her so it takes two to tango).

As for the drinking…why should she even have to sneak liquor at a holiday meal? She is presumably 21 years old and legal to drink. Unless she is a recovering alcoholic, I see nothing odd with a 21 year old woman drinking. Should she have gotten drunk? No. But maybe she was binge drinking because she felt she had to hide it?

She is not having a baby out of wedlock yet. Lots of young women talk about babies. Doesn’t mean they all run out and have them. Don’t assume she is not on BC. Don’t assume your son isn’t using BC. Don’t assume your son doesn’t want a baby too. You really don’t know. You don’t know what goes on behind their bedroom door.

Honestly, the only thing you mentioned that seems completely innapropriate to me is the porn (only because they are watching it on a shared area tv in your home) and the neck licking at the table. I’d be pretty grossed out if anyone was doing that in front of me. I probably would have pointed it out to them and tried to embarrass them so they’d realize how foolish they looked doing that at dinner.

Your son is grown man. He is supporting this woman and her mom and sister which, really, shows a great deal of integrity and responsibily. You’ve clearly instilled in him a great sense of duty to family. He is taking care of someone he cares for and her family. Seems like a noble thing to me.

You’ve given your advice to him. All you can do now is just back off.

I will point out though that if the host has made the meal alcohol free the guests should honor that. Also, getting drunk at your boyfriend/girldfriend's family gathering is poor judgment at best.

 

[Acklander]

I feel like her mother and her husband are taking advantage of him though.

maybe they are, maybe they aren't - but he's an adult, and if he wants people to "take advantage" of him, that's his choice. Think of it as a great learning experience for him. He will survive it.