What do I do? Warning long

[horseshowmom]

My advice is to not say anything. Agree with the other posters that say "it is not your story to tell".

When your mom drops the bomb on him, be there for him.

He needs you to be his support system, not the messenger that ruined his life. Don't put yourself in that position.

Now if you feel HE NEEDS TO KNOW, then my advice is for you to encourage your mother to tell him.

If you are trying to justify telling him, don't do it. I can see where you will now "worry" about the fact you know and he does not.

You can easily tell him that it was not your place to tell him. That is understandable. And frankly who knows all the details. You would be digging yourself a hole with your bro.

That is my 2 cents.

This is my thought too. Without a DNA test, nobody "knows" for sure. It does sound likely, but there's no real proof either way, so I'd let it go.

I might try to find out about any particular health problems in the other man's family so you know what to watch for if something comes up with your brother.

I'm sorry for the drama and family heartbreak.

 

[pixiewings71]

This is something your Mom needs to tell him, not you. I found out a few years ago my oldest sister is my half sister, my 2 younger siblings are my full siblings, my Dad married my Mom thinking J was his, well she wasn't but he still raised her. Like I said I only found out a few years ago when J said she thought we should all know. Her bio Dad died right after she found out, he had a tragic accident while hiking and fell to his death. Anyway, she point blanked asked my Mom and Mom didn't lie, she told her the truth, then we all found out a couple years later. It really changes nothing, she still calls Dad Dad, we are all her siblings and she has no contact with her other half siblings, they actually don't even know about her. Mom feels it would be very difficult for their Mom (she was Mom's BFF in HS and started to date J's Dad after he and our Mom broke up so Mom didn't come between them or anything) so they decided not to say anything right now. I think this type of thing is more common then many people realize......and I agree with the PP's who said your Dad is Keith's Dad, he raised him and is his Father is every way that counts.

 

[AntePrincess]

At this point, it's hearsay, and I wouldn't repeat it. That said, if I loved my brother, I'd make discrete inquiries about the health issues of his actual paternal line, and keep that in mind. It would be worth knowing if he had a genetic component cancer running amok in his history or had half-siblings die young of treatable conditions. It's unlikely, of course, but not unheard of.

Regarding your mother, it's difficult, but she didn't cheat on you and there's no way she can go back to undo what she did. Besides, who would want her to? Not even your father, apparently. You don't live with her now, it's safe to have a closer relationship. Boyfriends aren't going to mistreat you because you can just walk away. If she gets awful during a visit, you can call it an early night now. I'd patch things up, though I'm not saying I'd offer to be lunch buddies.

 

[KAMKIM]

Well I have a different take on this because this happened to me. I found out when I was about 15 that my brother was actually my half brother - he had a different dad then who raised us. I then found out at 18 that the man that raised us was not my father either. He couldn't have kids - I would have preferred to know this much sooner than I found out. I was upset with my mother because she lied to me my whole life - I was also upset with my other family members for not telling me.

I think he has a right to know.

 

[luvthatdisney]

I too agree that he should be told. I also think your mom and dad should sit down together and tell him. Not sure what their relationship is at this point, but their issues caused this problem and they should rectify it.

Others have said to keep this to yourself. That is wrong!!! Denying this man a chance to know his "other" family is shameful. His biological father may be deceased, but he may have other siblings and other family members.

I guess I view this from my perspective, which is that of an adoptee. I have been searching for my biological family. It may be a situation that was bad that caused my bio mom to give me up, but good, bad, or ugly, I want to know where I came from. It is my right to know!

If you do not tell him yourself, I would encourage your parents to tell him. Be there for support, he will need it! But let him make the decision if he wants to pursue a relationship with his fathers family. It should be his choice, not yours or your mothers.

Sorry to sound so harsh, but I feel strongly about this topic!

 

[KAMKIM]

I too agree that he should be told. I also think your mom and dad should sit down together and tell him. Not sure what their relationship is at this point, but their issues caused this problem and they should rectify it.

Others have said to keep this to yourself. That is wrong!!! Denying this man a chance to know his "other" family is shameful. His biological father may be deceased, but he may have other siblings and other family members.

I guess I view this from my perspective, which is that of an adoptee. I have been searching for my biological family. It may be a situation that was bad that caused my bio mom to give me up, but good, bad, or ugly, I want to know where I came from. It is my right to know!

If you do not tell him yourself, I would encourage your parents to tell him. Be there for support, he will need it! But let him make the decision if he wants to pursue a relationship with his fathers family. It should be his choice, not yours or your mothers.

Sorry to sound so harsh, but I feel strongly about this topic!

I know how you feel. I personally have not looked for my bio dad at this point and do not look down on the man that raised me - it has given me a new respect for him knowing he took us in and didn't have to. That being said, SOMEONE should have told me.

 

[shortbun]

Does your Dad know your Mom wants to tell? Perhaps Joe should share what your mother said with your Dad and let him handle it. You don't need to interfere except to be there for your brother IF he needs you. You could also tell your mother she's a tool if she hurts him but I'd suggest you just hang back and not stir it up; might do more harm than good.

 

[luvthatdisney]

I know how you feel. I personally have not looked for my bio dad at this point and do not look down on the man that raised me - it has given me a new respect for him knowing he took us in and didn't have to. That being said, SOMEONE should have told me.

I too do not look down on the parents that raised me. Totally the opposite. I loved them just as much had they been my bio family. But since both of my adoptive parents are deceased, I felt it was time to start looking.

I guess the difference with me and the OP brother, is that I have known since I can remember that I was adopted. Out of respect and love I did not search until they were gone. OP's brother has not had that luxury and has not lived with the knowledge his entire life. But that does not relegate the fact that he should know.

I bet he has had a feeling that he did not belong to his "dad", especially after the OP said he looked like "friend A" and not like her father. Its a hard like to walk, but I would be devastated if I found out my entire family knew about this "secret" and collectively decided not to tell me.

 

[smiley]

Does your Dad know your Mom wants to tell? Perhaps Joe should share what your mother said with your Dad and let him handle it. You don't need to interfere except to be there for your brother IF he needs you. You could also tell your mother she's a tool if she hurts him but I'd suggest you just hang back and not stir it up; might do more harm than good.

ITA, Joe needs to talk with your father and let him handle the situation. You should stay out of the matter. Joe was needing to confide this secret he's been hiding and you were the logical person to share this information with.

Your mother is a total loser for all of those things she's done in the past. You are smart not to trust her instability. She has shown you her entire life that she's not to be trusted. Believe her.

 

[TheBigBadWolf]

I too agree that he should be told. I also think your mom and dad should sit down together and tell him. Not sure what their relationship is at this point, but their issues caused this problem and they should rectify it.

Others have said to keep this to yourself. That is wrong!!! Denying this man a chance to know his "other" family is shameful. His biological father may be deceased, but he may have other siblings and other family members.

I guess I view this from my perspective, which is that of an adoptee. I have been searching for my biological family. It may be a situation that was bad that caused my bio mom to give me up, but good, bad, or ugly, I want to know where I came from. It is my right to know!

If you do not tell him yourself, I would encourage your parents to tell him. Be there for support, he will need it! But let him make the decision if he wants to pursue a relationship with his fathers family. It should be his choice, not yours or your mothers.

Sorry to sound so harsh, but I feel strongly about this topic!

I, too, feel very strongly that your brother deserves to know the truth. Keeping this a secret from him all these years is WRONG. But, it is not your place to tell him. I would insist that your mom and your dad tell him the truth. Then you be there to support him. I'm sure he'll be angry and have a hard time trusting any of your family for a long time, but he deserves to know the truth. Hugs to you and your brother!

 

[torinsmom]

I think you should talk with your dad and tell him you know and that your mom may tell Keith about this. If I were Keith, I would rather hear it from my dad. It could be prefaced with a discussion of the difference between a father and a dad. He could reassure him that his feelings will never change for him, because he IS his son. Blood does not make us family, LOVE DOES. I think hearing it from your mom would be devastating to him.

Marsha

 

[Carly_Roach]

I know from personal experience - KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT!!!!!

I have a very very good friend, more like a brother than my own. He found out after his fathers death that the women he believed was his mother his whole life was not his bio mother. His bio died in childbirth. He found out through his sibling(well 1/2 siblings) He was crushed.

It is not your place, it sounds like you want to hurt your Mother by revealing this secret. Just be ready to crush your brother in the wake of making yourself feel better. Then be ready to feel like a monster yourself for the damage you leave behind, that is how his sister feels to this day and it has been 20 years.

Some secrets are best left in the closet. After all what difference does it make now - Friend A is dead - so he loses a re hero and gains WHAT?!??

I absolutely agree with this. Whatever is going on between your sibling and your parents is unequivically none of your business! You have no control over what your mother will do and you certainly have no control over how your brother will feel if/when he finds out.

Let sleeping dogs lie. Stay out of it.

 

[C.Ann]

It'll be like opening Pandora's box!

If anyone is to tell the "secret", it should be Keith's mother!

I agree.. This is definitely one of those MYOB situations..

 

[kittychatalot]

After all, obviously ya'll know your mom is a bit flaky. All that matters is that you guys are all siblings- forget the who fathered who stuff!

 

[Jennasis]

You say nothing. Frankly I think Joe should've kept his mouth shut and not told you. It wasn't his place at all.

You COULD maybe tell both mom and dad that you and Joe know and that it would be good for them to man up and tell Keith. But no, YOU od not say a word of this to Keith (and Joe needs to keep it quiet too).

 

[sbell111]

You should say nothing.

BTW, your dad is horrible at picking friends.

 

[TanyaLovesPooh]

In my family, I would represent Keith. So speaking from personal experience, he should only hear it from your mother if at all. In my situation, I was 13 years old when my mother told me that my dad was not my dad and that I was the result of an affair.

I am 39 years old now and to this day wish I had never been told. It served absolutely no purpose and was one of many problems my mother and I had over the years along with huge trust issues....My dad does not know that she ever told me and my siblings (half siblings really) insist that it would kill him if he thought I knew. There is more to the story but my advice is to bury the info.

I know these things are difficult, best of luck to you.

 

[Took]

Because Keith's biofather is now dead I think it's better to let sleeping dogs lie. Your mom is very selfish by the sounds of it and the only person that would gain from this is her to have it off her chest.

I think it would really upset Keith, not only that he didn't know for all these years but she didn't tell him until it was too late for either of them to know. Do you think Friend knew Keith was his son but let it be? Because if he knew and didn't say anything I wonder if he didn't want his family to know either.

I hope it all works out if she does tell him. What a secret to have to keep inside!

I agree with this poster and others. Don't tell Keith. He deserves to be happy. Why would "knowing" be really important? Probably LOTS of folks have gone through life not knowing some secret about their family history (including who their bio-father was) and were not really injured by their ignorance. Telling him, as you wisely have sensed, would only hurt him.

You mother does, indeed, sounds like a selfish person for doing this to her children and for now wanting to "tell" Keith "the truth" (which mostly benefits HER). I say "let sleeping dogs lie." If Keith becomes maturer and more stable much later in life, he may begin to ask questions himself. Until then, let it go.

Took