What do do when a child does not want to visit their other parent?

[torinsmom]

DS is 15, and he is supposed to see his dad every other weekend. More often than not, it is about once a month that he goes(his dad cancels usually) for one night. His dad wants to take him to the beach with his gf's family for Memorial Day weekend Fri-Mon. DS does not want to go at all. He refuses to wear shorts or go in the water these days and he does not want to spend 3 days with the gf's kids who he has nothing in common with (I think the girl is 17 and the boy is 16) He does not want to hurt his dad's feelings, but I told him he either has to be truthful or go. For some reason, he has no problem hurting mom's feelings, but dad is a different story.

Anybody been through anything similar? What did you or would you do?

 

[Mrs. Charming]

I've been there on the "kid" end of it, in your DS's position. That said, I couldn't make my DD go, I just couldn't. I know it seems more of an easy way out, but can he email his dad and tell him that way? That way, HE is telling his dad, not you. (Which can be misconstrued as a parent vs. parent battle.)

Oh, and the "hurting mom" thing-- it's all a part of being a teenager, I think. LOL, now that I'm the parent, my mom has NO problem hurting my feelings..

 

[ksumn1]

I haven't been in your situation but my SIL has. When her son didn't want to go see his Dad, she really tried to talk him into it (so there would be no arguments or problems). He was only 8 but said he was tired of being ignored while his dd and current girlfriend watched movies and "stayed in bed all day"

So SIL told his Dad that son didn't want to go and why. She also made my nephew talk to his DD and explain so that he wouldn't blame her. After talking to his son, he decided that his visits from then on would only be "the boys". No more girlfriends.

I would hope that you son would feel comfortable telling his DD he doesn't want to go and why. I guess it boils down to which your DS feels more strongly about..not going or telling DD and hurting his feelings. Although, being a teenager dad should understand that the only thing for certain with this age is change. Good luck.

 

[Colleen27]

I don't force it with my DS(12). If he doesn't want to go I don't mind being the bad guy so he doesn't have to listen to his dad's guilt trip, but a lot of that is because of the specifics of our situation and the reasons DS doesn't like going. I think DS has shown a lot of self-awareness and good judgment in his decision not to be around when things are bad at his dad's house, and I don't want to discourage that by making him handle his father on his own.

 

[pyrxtc]

i agree, either tell Dad why himself or go.

 

[sunnyday123]

Lol....he has no problem hurting your feelings because he knows you'll be there, no matter what. He can count on you to not cancel, you'll always show up, and he knows that.

DD's dad does stupid stuff like that. There have been times where she's called me and wanted to come home and was afraid to tell him. ( She'd take the phone, lock her door and call me ) There have been times when she didn't want to go with him too. Either way, I've told him she does'nt want to be there/go there. I'm not going to force her because I know it'll result in a phone call at 2am. I just simply say she doesn't want to go, she doesn't feel comfortable with whomever is going to be there, blah blah blah. His treatment of her and lack of concern for her feelings doesn't really warrant a heart to heart in my opinion.

Good luck.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

Sounds like it is more that he has a body image issue and doesn't want to go the beach with the other teenage kids, read teenage girl. Maybe he will be uncomfortable when everyone puts on their suits and goes swimming and he is stays behind in pants. I'd delve a little further into this part of it.

 

[torinsmom]

Thanks for the ideas. He is not overweight, so I don't know why he won't wear shorts. He does have very long legs and even the long shorts come half way up his leg, so maybe that's it. He will wear jeans for the whole trip to Orlando in June and I will have to fight with him for him not to wear his hoodie.(Wish there was a smilie for melting)

I am hoping he will tell his dad he doesn't want to go, but then of course, his dad will want to make him, which is another battle. When he hasn't wanted to go for an overnight trip before, I have talked him into it by reminding him its only one night, but this time, its three nights and his whole Mem. Day break. I want to know more about the trip, such as what beach, where they are staying(house vs. hotel), etc., but ex-dh gets so defensive about telling me anything, even though I ALWAYS call when we go on vacation and give him the address and phone numbers of the hotel. I am wondering if they are staying in a hotel with him and the gf in one room and the kids in another. That would be one reason I wouldn't let him go, especially considering there will be an unrelated teenage girl there. I trust my DS, but from what he has told me, I don't trust her.

Marsha

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I would practice with your son and give him the tools to speak his mind in a confident and respectful manner. He is 15 and for whatever reason is uncomfortable with the situation. I would trust his judgement.

Also have to have your son understand that dad is going to be hurt but at some point you have to look out for yourself.

Now we are not divorced however teaching kids to explain confidently themselves to an authority figure is good practice, we do it all the time.

 

[tweety38]

I am also the mom of a 15 yr. old with no problem telling me what he thinks but has to walk on eggshells with his father. He feels guilt if he doesn't spend any time with his father. I know at some point he will just stop going. I won't be forcing him to go. I don't know what to tell you but good luck.
p.s. My son doesn't want to wear shorts either and he is 6' 3". so shorts that are in style are hard to find, so are pants for that matter. E

 

[Tink888]

At 15, I think your son is old enough to make those decisions and talk to his Dad and explain on his own.

We went through a similar situation with DH's daughter was a teen. Kids get to a certain age, get busy with their friends, etc and don't always want to come out every weekend.

From the non-custodial parent's perspective, it does hurt a little when your child doesn't want to see you, you know? You miss so much during the week and look forward to those times. And whatever the reason, it does hurt a little and it's hard not to take it personally. Heck, even when your teen lives with you, it's hurts a little when they get older and don't want to spend as much time with you KWIM?

But, as long is everyone is talking and honest with eachother, you can work through that stuff. I would just encourage your son to see his Dad, remind him how much his Dad loves him and looks forward to it. Those weekends when he doesn't want to go, encourage him to talk to Dad and be honest about why. If you force it, it just ends up being a lousy weekend for everyone and does more harm than good.

 

[Robinrs]

I agree with the PPs, don't make him go. He's giving you "excuses" but they're just verbage on the complete picture. If he doesn't want to go, there is a major reason that he cannot put into words. Don't put too much into the "shorts" excuse.


My son is 17 and used to LOVE going to see his father. Now he couldn't care less. Take your clues from them. Dad is an adult and he can handle it. Making a kid go somewhere he doesn't want to go can be traumatizing.

Good luck.

 

[taximomfor4]

I can only say what we do with dd, and what was done with us when we were kids. If the child feels they are big enough to choose not to go, they are big enough to discuss with the visitation parent their decision.

 

[sbell111]

Spending time with a non-custodial parent is like going to church. Sometimes, you really don't feel like going, but you are generally better for it. Giving a child an option to skip either one is not a good idea, in my opinion.

 

[X and G's mom]

Question: Is there court papers saying he has to go every 2 weeks?

I've seen this first hand:
My brother's girlfriend was married and had 3 kids with her ex. She was supposed to take the kids for visitation every other weekend. Well, the kids never wanted to go and so she never took them!
My brother, who knew about visitation (our parents are divorced and he had visitation with our dad-I was an adult so no visitation for me), TOLD her that she needed to take the kids to visitation. So, the ex didn't take things too lightly and my brother's girlfriend lost custody of all 3 of her kids!!!! This was 3 years ago.

However, I know how you feel because I know I will have to deal with this in a couple years. My DD and DS will be in the market to have part-time jobs. I just hope the part-time jobs work around visitation schedules.

Is your ex someone that is understanding? Hopefully so! Hopefully you or your son can talk to him and he will understand!
Best of luck to you, and

 

[HM]

A lot of boys his age don't like to go to the beach, wear suits, swim, etc.

I think there are several things going on here. Not wanting to go to the beach, not wanting to spend three nights with unrelated people, not wanting to go into a situation in which he'll have no control, etc.

 

[ilovejack02]

My oldest is 21 , I ve had him since he was 5. This issue came up many times in both directions with us.

When younger, he always wanted to go home early, cried for mom alot. NO we weren't horrible people, he just missed mommy.

When he turned 12 he came to live with us, got so settled with us and had tons of close friends that we allowed to come over alot. His mom , not a bad person at all, just didn't let him have friends over very much, no big slumber parties ect. So when it was her weekends sometimes it was a big fight to get him to go. Sometimes we made him go , sometimes not and by about 13 he had his own cell phone and they worked it out themselves. Once he hit preteen, we really let him deal with his mom himself and the same with us, he discussed issues with us, not her calling us on his behalf.

Only things we talked directly to her about we discipline/school or health issues.

We figured teenager was able for the most part to make own decisions . Now he didn't have a stepdad with other kids , the children his mom had at home were actually step siblings who ADORED him, so sometimes, i really tried to remind him how much they missed him and that would work to get him to go.

If his mom had a boyfriend that had kids that my DSS didn't want to be around, then I prob wouldn't force it.

I don't understand when bio parents feel the need to spend time with sig. others kids all the time when they have their bio child. Parents and kids needs alone time and when they keep pushing the other kids on the bio child the bio child becomes resentful and doesn't want to see the other parent and I don't blame them.


Oh and the shorts thing, LOL at 15 my oldest hated shorts too .. still does, but will wear swim shorts.

I bet its that he really just doesn't want to hang out with the girlfriends family , feels like an extra tagalong.

 

[brockash]

DS is 15, and he is supposed to see his dad every other weekend. More often than not, it is about once a month that he goes(his dad cancels usually) for one night. His dad wants to take him to the beach with his gf's family for Memorial Day weekend Fri-Mon. DS does not want to go at all. He refuses to wear shorts or go in the water these days and he does not want to spend 3 days with the gf's kids who he has nothing in common with (I think the girl is 17 and the boy is 16) He does not want to hurt his dad's feelings, but I told him he either has to be truthful or go. For some reason, he has no problem hurting mom's feelings, but dad is a different story.

Anybody been through anything similar? What did you or would you do?

I think it depends. If you think for any reason that your ds is somehow being abused when he goes there, then absolutely don't let him go. It doesn't sound like that's the case though, so if it's just that he doesn't want to go for any reason other than the abuse thing, I'd make him. My parents have been divorced since I was 5 and honestly, I never really wanted to go to my Dad's. When I was younger I was pretty voiceful to my mom about not wanting to go, and even as a teen I'd rather have not, but I was always made to and I'd really regret it now if for some reason they didn't make me. There was no real reason that I didn't want to go. I just wasn't as comfortable around him, and as a teen I wasn't all that into family time as it was. Some of my best memories now though are the summers my sister's and I spent at my Dad's. I really think the best thing for you ds is to go and spend time with his Dad, and I think the most responsible thing for you as the mother to do is to make him. I know it may not be easy, but in the end you need to do what's best for your ds (even if he doesn't think it at the time.)

As for the hurting mom's feelings thing goes. I know it sucks, but in a way it's a compliment because he feels comfortable enough with you and most at home with you and most loved by you to be completely "real" around you...if that makes any sense. I know it may not feel great in those moments, but take pride in the fact that you are his "true" parent, not just the one he visits every once in a while.

 

[brockash]

I agree with the PPs, don't make him go. He's giving you "excuses" but they're just verbage on the complete picture. If he doesn't want to go, there is a major reason that he cannot put into words. Don't put too much into the "shorts" excuse.


My son is 17 and used to LOVE going to see his father. Now he couldn't care less. Take your clues from them. Dad is an adult and he can handle it. Making a kid go somewhere he doesn't want to go can be traumatizing.

Good luck.

That could be, but I'd bet my money that it's more likely he just doesn't want to, because he'd rather be doing something else, or he may not feel as comfortable around his dad as he does at home with his mom. I don't know many teenager's, that given the choice, would rather go spend time with just their family as oppose to hanging out at home and being able to see friends. Like I said in my pp, if there's any signs of "real" reasons that your ds doesn't want to go (and I'd bluntly ask him,) I think it'd be in his best interest to make him go. I was made when I was a kid, and I'm very thankful I was and I fully intend to make my kids take family vacations/spend time with family ect. when they're teenagers and would rather not.

 

[Evil Genius]

Why don't you and your son and your ex sit down and discuss this? I know at 15 they want to stay home and do their own thing, but he also needs to spend time with his father.