What do do when a child does not want to visit their other parent?

[bunny]

As a non custodial step parent, I watched my husband go through this same thing with his sons. He missed so much of his sons' lives and is trying to reconnect with them as adults but it is difficult. His ex did not encourage the children to see their father. If they were busy or had something "better" going on, she let them go. There is a reason visitation is a legal agreement and not left up to the discretion of the custodial parent or child. Who would want to let their child stay somewhere else every weekend? Wouldn't it just be easier to "pretend" that the custodial family is the real family and the other parent doesn't exist? Non custodial parents are more than paychecks. Your son shouldn't have a choice. If he lived with his father, he wouldn't be able to stay home alone. If that weekend is your's son's scheduled visitation, he is required to go. You are doing him a disservice by giving him a choice. He deserves to spend time with his father (whether he wants to or not).

 

[ilovejack02]

As a non custodial step parent, I watched my husband go through this same thing with his sons. He missed so much of his sons' lives and is trying to reconnect with them as adults but it is difficult. His ex did not encourage the children to see their father. If they were busy or had something "better" going on, she let them go. There is a reason visitation is a legal agreement and not left up to the discretion of the custodial parent or child. Who would want to let their child stay somewhere else every weekend? Wouldn't it just be easier to "pretend" that the custodial family is the real family and the other parent doesn't exist? Non custodial parents are more than paychecks. Your son shouldn't have a choice. If he lived with his father, he wouldn't be able to stay home alone. If that weekend is your's son's scheduled visitation, he is required to go. You are doing him a disservice by giving him a choice. He deserves to spend time with his father (whether he wants to or not).

In alot of cases, yes the child should be made to go. But he shouldn't have to hang out with girlfriends family and her kids if he doesn't want to . That could be the whole issue. Now if Dad is willing to spend some one on one time without the other kids , then yes he needs to go.

I have seen many parents just throw the new significant other of the week and kids in the mix and try to make them one big happy family. The child needs just his dad and could be tired of not having one on one time.

 

[Colleen27]

As a non custodial step parent, I watched my husband go through this same thing with his sons. He missed so much of his sons' lives and is trying to reconnect with them as adults but it is difficult. His ex did not encourage the children to see their father. If they were busy or had something "better" going on, she let them go. There is a reason visitation is a legal agreement and not left up to the discretion of the custodial parent or child. Who would want to let their child stay somewhere else every weekend? Wouldn't it just be easier to "pretend" that the custodial family is the real family and the other parent doesn't exist? Non custodial parents are more than paychecks. Your son shouldn't have a choice. If he lived with his father, he wouldn't be able to stay home alone. If that weekend is your's son's scheduled visitation, he is required to go. You are doing him a disservice by giving him a choice. He deserves to spend time with his father (whether he wants to or not).

Wow, just wow. Personally, I think it is doing a child a far greater disservice to give him so little control over his own life. I've known parents who took that approach, to the point that the kids can't play sports or go to friends' birthday parties or anything else that interferes with the dictates of the visitation agreement, and I've yet to see it work out for the best. Yes, the parent-child relationship can grow distant if the child is allowed to skip visits on a regular basis, but it can also be seriously undermined by a childhood full of being told no about normal, beneficial social interactions because Dad's time always matters more than what the child wants. The trick, I think, is to find the middle ground but that is far easier said than done.

 

[bunny]

I agree but that is the non custodial parent's decision to make. The custodial parent could be doing the same thing. The other parent doesn't get to make the rules. Visitation is a legal binding agreement. The dad could force him to go if he had to and it is his right to do that.

 

[bunny]

Wow, just wow. Personally, I think it is doing a child a far greater disservice to give him so little control over his own life. I've known parents who took that approach, to the point that the kids can't play sports or go to friends' birthday parties or anything else that interferes with the dictates of the visitation agreement, and I've yet to see it work out for the best. Yes, the parent-child relationship can grow distant if the child is allowed to skip visits on a regular basis, but it can also be seriously undermined by a childhood full of being told no about normal, beneficial social interactions because Dad's time always matters more than what the child wants. The trick, I think, is to find the middle ground but that is far easier said than done.

Just imagine if you only saw your child a few days a month and on those days the child decided not to come because he wanted to go to a birthday party. How would you feel? My husband spent less than 30 days a year with his children. Can you imagine only seeing your kids 30 days a year?

 

[Colleen27]

I don't understand when bio parents feel the need to spend time with sig. others kids all the time when they have their bio child. Parents and kids needs alone time and when they keep pushing the other kids on the bio child the bio child becomes resentful and doesn't want to see the other parent and I don't blame them.

I think that really depends on the circumstances. My son doesn't like being around his dad's gf, but they've been together 10+ years, his dad lives with her, they share a car, and they have a child together. It isn't at all practical for DS to attempt to dictate that she not be around during visits. If we're talking about a favor-of-the-week or even a new serious love interest, absolutely the non-custodial parent keep his love life from infringing on visitation times, but when it comes to step parents and blended families, that's just not a realistic expectation.

 

[ilovejack02]

I think that really depends on the circumstances. My son doesn't like being around his dad's gf, but they've been together 10+ years, his dad lives with her, they share a car, and they have a child together. It isn't at all practical for DS to attempt to dictate that she not be around during visits. If we're talking about a favor-of-the-week or even a new serious love interest, absolutely the non-custodial parent keep his love life from infringing on visitation times, but when it comes to step parents and blended families, that's just not a realistic expectation.

I really think this should be a priority if you don't see your children but on weekends to spend time alone with them. No the significant other should not have to leave the house if they live there, but they can make an effort to disappear a bit. I did that alot, when my DSS was younger , I would take a long bubble bath, go out with friends, retreat to bed room anything so they could have some time alone. Even if it was just picking out a movie or playing video games. I used to send the boys out fishing and now that DSS has moved out, I still encourage hubby to call and make hunting and fishing dates with him.

My best friend is very resentful because she only saw her father a cpl of times a month and when they would say plan a pizza date alone , Step mother would insist on sending her girls because they might get their feelings hurt. Whatever , how about make a special date with your girls during that time!!??

A close friend's ex just got remarried, he only see his DD twice a month and it is never alone always with the new wife's kids, he says its not fair for him to take DD somewhere just the two of them. It makes his girl so sad to not have Daddy time anymore even for just a ride to Walmart and now she tries to get out of going or wants to come home early.

It is important for my guys to be close, and I made an effort for that to happen. I know not everyone is willing to do that, which is unfortunate.

 

[Shannon G]

As a custodial parent, it's hard to make your kids go when they don't want to. There have been times that my DDs (5 and 7) have not wanted to go with my ex and, while I don't blame them for not wanting to go, it's his legal right to have his time with them, and I have no right to tell them they don't have to go.

I understand that the child here is a teenager, but the legalities are the same. From a legal standpoint, if the divorce decree awards her ex. that time with their son, she cannot tell the son he doesn't have to go. As much as she may want to tell him he doesn't have to (believe me, there are times I wish I could tell my girls that) it could backfire on her in the long run - the ex could take her to court and claim she is not abiding by the custody / visitation agreement.

I think I would suggest to the son that he have a heart to heart with his dad, and that the two of them need to work it out. If her ex. insists that the son go, I'm not sure what else she can do about it.

 

[taximomfor4]

Wow, just wow. Personally, I think it is doing a child a far greater disservice to give him so little control over his own life. I've known parents who took that approach, to the point that the kids can't play sports or go to friends' birthday parties or anything else that interferes with the dictates of the visitation agreement, and I've yet to see it work out for the best. Yes, the parent-child relationship can grow distant if the child is allowed to skip visits on a regular basis, but it can also be seriously undermined by a childhood full of being told no about normal, beneficial social interactions because Dad's time always matters more than what the child wants. The trick, I think, is to find the middle ground but that is far easier said than done.

I have to agree. It is really hard to tell a child that setting aside visitation time to go see dad, to the exclusion of their social life, is necessary ...when the dad isn't doing the same. We have a similar situation with my teen dd. I don't make her go, she chooses, and it is 100% up to her to discuss it with her dad.

 

[bunny]

I have to agree. It is really hard to tell a child that setting aside visitation time to go see dad, to the exclusion of their social life, is necessary ...when the dad isn't doing the same. We have a similar situation with my teen dd. I don't make her go, she chooses, and it is 100% up to her to discuss it with her dad.

Then the dad should be allowed to make up the time on another day. Dads (I should say non custodial parents) get such little time compared to the custodial parent. If you only get to spend a couple days a week or every couple weeks with your child and your child has a social event on the days you are scheduled to be with them, you should get makeup days.

As for the OP, if you decided to go the beach for the weekend and your son didn't want to go but the rest of the family was going, would you force him to go? You probably would.

It is the custodial parent's responsiblity to allow the non custodial parent access to the children according to the set visitation schedule. The custodial parent can not legally impede that schedule in any way.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

As a non custodial step parent, I watched my husband go through this same thing with his sons. He missed so much of his sons' lives and is trying to reconnect with them as adults but it is difficult. His ex did not encourage the children to see their father. If they were busy or had something "better" going on, she let them go. There is a reason visitation is a legal agreement and not left up to the discretion of the custodial parent or child. Who would want to let their child stay somewhere else every weekend? Wouldn't it just be easier to "pretend" that the custodial family is the real family and the other parent doesn't exist? Non custodial parents are more than paychecks. Your son shouldn't have a choice. If he lived with his father, he wouldn't be able to stay home alone. If that weekend is your's son's scheduled visitation, he is required to go. You are doing him a disservice by giving him a choice. He deserves to spend time with his father (whether he wants to or not).

This is his dad's GF, NOT HIS WIFE! If they were married, I would agree with you however they are not married. Makes a big difference to me.

 

[torinsmom]

OP here--

I think the ex has been with the current gf about a year. He went through quite a few gfs after he left us 11 years ago, then got married in 2008, that wife got pregnant and he left her when she was 8 months pregnant. That baby is 1 1/2 now. This is the first gf ex has had with kids of her own. They are not the kind of kids DS gets along with, they are into monster trucks, hunting, etc. Not that those things are bad.

For those who think its terrible how little time non-custodial parents have with their kids, let me assure you this does not have to be the case in our situation. My ex works about 10 minutes from our house and is welcome to come by, take DS out to go fishing, go-carting, a movie or whatever during the week or even on "my" weekends. He does not do that and cancels his regular visitation about every other time. Its been like that since DS was 4.

For whoever asked what I would do if I had a trip planned to the beach and DS did not want to go: Actually, I would not plan a trip without talking to DS first. Our family trips are trips we both enjoy, so I give him several options for where he'd like to go(places that are good for me, of course) This year, he had a choice of going back to Orlando, going to NYC, going to the Grand Canyon or going to Washington DC. As you can see in my ticker, he chose Orlando.

Someone else mentioned making kids go to church. I don't make DS go to church, although he goes almost every Sunday I have him. I was made to go to church and I resented it. I ended up not attending church for 10 years after I left home. I want my son to enjoy church, so we chose a church with a big youth group and contemporary music. So far, so good(he has maybe missed church 10 times when he was with me in the last 6 years)

I'm not worried about being taken to court for one missed weekend in 11 years. He has probably cancelled at least 50 times during that time period.

I have told DS he needs to settle this with dad himself or just deal with it and go. I am going to check where they are staying, because if he is in a hotel room with the unrelated teen daughter, that will not work for me.

Marsha

 

[bumbershoot]

My brother went through this as the kid in the situation. I was out and gone by the time it all really started, but I know it was very difficult. It was made MORE difficult because my mom's second husband left, and then my mom re-met her childhood sweetheart and they decided to marry...he lived in Miami and we were in CA. So my mom moved my brother out there, which was legal at the time for her to do (not now, I guess). My dad was barely seeing us by that time anyway, but well after the fact he got into a tizzy about it and will STILL talk about it (my brother is 38 now).

But my brother hated being there. I would make an effort, make small talk, play with my half-sibs. My brother hated kids (thankfully he likes my son), and just wanted to sit and read. He was leaving his friends, not playing tennis with his one buddy that he liked, and he had NOTHING to do at our dad's. My dad is overbearing and wanted so badly for his sons to go into baseball that 2 of the 3 absolutely refuse to even think about it, and the one that liked it was horrible at it. He was always working on cars but that's not my brother's interest either. So my brother would just sit and read in a corner the entire time. He just figured, whats the point?

I know he was made to visit at least once, after moving to FL, but I can't imagine it went well.

Ultimately my dad messed up every single chance to know his first son as an adult, culminating with my brother turning the corner at the hotel during my wedding weekend, to hear our younger brother introduced as our father's "oldest son"...and the door of their relationship was slammed shut and locked with a million locks with all keys thrown down a sinkhole. It's all sad.

He does not want to hurt his dad's feelings, but I told him he either has to be truthful or go. For some reason, he has no problem hurting mom's feelings, but dad is a different story.

Kids are mean to the parent that they trust to stick around. They hide all feelings, especially negative ones, from the untrustworthy one. It's a compliment, actually; he trusts you and knows you won't leave him.

Your son shouldn't have a choice. If he lived with his father, he wouldn't be able to stay home alone. If that weekend is your's son's scheduled visitation, he is required to go.

Not sure that the court stuff is binding on the *kids*, but rather on the adults.

If mother and father were still together, father wouldn't be taking son to a weekend at dad's girlfriend's family's place...at least I hope not!

Family vacation would be much different than what's actually happening.

I have to agree. It is really hard to tell a child that setting aside visitation time to go see dad, to the exclusion of their social life, is necessary ...when the dad isn't doing the same.

You said that SO well.

 

[Robinrs]

As a non custodial step parent, I watched my husband go through this same thing with his sons. .

You watched and your priority and care was for the ADULT you married, not the child.

I agree but that is the non custodial parent's decision to make. The custodial parent could be doing the same thing. The other parent doesn't get to make the rules. Visitation is a legal binding agreement. The dad could force him to go if he had to and it is his right to do that.

Just imagine if you only saw your child a few days a month and on those days the child decided not to come because he wanted to go to a birthday party. How would you feel? My husband spent less than 30 days a year with his children. Can you imagine only seeing your kids 30 days a year?

No but I didn't make any choices along the way to allow the law to decide that for my child, either. Again, the adult who made these choices and put this child in this position is your only consideration. The child has rights also.

 

[Inigo]

The non-custodial parent can always file contempt against the custodial parent if the child doesn't go to see the NCP on visitation as ORDERED by the Court. It's not a Court suggestion. It's a Court Order.

If the custodial parent doesn't want to make the child go on visitation, the custodial parent needs to file with the Court to change the visitation so that it is no longer in place. If the custodial parent doesn't want to do that, the custodial parent needs to make the child visit the other parent (absent any abuse/neglect). To do anything else is contempt of Court and highly unethical.

 

[torinsmom]

The non-custodial parent can always file contempt against the custodial parent if the child doesn't go to see the NCP on visitation as ORDERED by the Court. It's not a Court suggestion. It's a Court Order.

If the custodial parent doesn't want to make the child go on visitation, the custodial parent needs to file with the Court to change the visitation so that it is no longer in place. If the custodial parent doesn't want to do that, the custodial parent needs to make the child visit the other parent (absent any abuse/neglect). To do anything else is contempt of Court and highly unethical.

So, isn't it technically contempt of court for the non-custodial parent to cancel every other COURT ORDERED visitation with few hours notice? If I call the courts, will they go get my ex and make him take his son? I would say it should go both ways.

 

[jillyb]

So, isn't it technically contempt of court for the non-custodial parent to cancel every other COURT ORDERED visitation with few hours notice? If I call the courts, will they go get my ex and make him take his son? I would say it should go both ways.

Yes it is. The only difference in that scenario is one parent is choosing not to exercise their right/responsibility while the parent who doesn't make their child go to court ordered visitation is willfully violating the order.

I know it was probably a rhetorical question but I'll bite. LOL No...the court won't go get your ex and make him take his son. And, truth be told, they may or may not do anything to a parent that refuses and/or doesn't encourage/enforce visitation.

I've watched my DH have to fight tooth and nail at times to spend time with his DD from his first marriage. He loves her and wants to spend time with her but his Ex has played alot of head games with their DD. When SD was younger she tried to cut in to his time by signing her up for everything under the sun. Soccer practice or game? No problem! Tell us the time and place we'll take her! Cheerleading? No problem! Tell us the time and place and we'll take her! Birthday party? No problem! Tell us the time and place and we'll take her! Guess who dropped out of soccer and cheerleading after a while? We're fortunate that we don't live too far from where SD lives so it's no problem for us to take her to birthday parties or other activities. I could see where it would be hard, if not impossible, for a non-custodial parent to do that if they lived in a different State.

 

[Inigo]

So, isn't it technically contempt of court for the non-custodial parent to cancel every other COURT ORDERED visitation with few hours notice? If I call the courts, will they go get my ex and make him take his son? I would say it should go both ways.

No. He is entitled to visitation. He isn't ordered to utilize the visitation. The custodial parent, however, is ordered to make sure the child goes on visitation if the NCP chooses to use his visitation. Is it fair to the child when the NCP doesn't want to see him/her? No. But that's how it is. It's not a moral thing, a compassion thing; it's a legal thing.


And, just in case anyone wonders, no, you can't withhold visitation if child support isn't paid. Support and visitation are two separate issues. Child support is not an admission ticket to see the child. Failure to pay could have repercussions of it's own, however. Plus, if a parent fails to utilize visitation or fails to pay support for a period of time (at least one year--some states want longer), it's easier to terminate parental rights in cases of step-parent adoption.

 

[torinsmom]

DS has not come up with any solution at this point. He told me he doesn't want to even think about it right now. I may just tell my ex that DS is having some apprehension and that he needs to come and talk to him about what the whole plan is, versus we are going to the beach for three nights. Telling him where they are going and what they are going to do (fishing? amusement park? go carts?) might take away some of his negativity. And maybe he has some plan to do something just with DS.

DS went from seeing his dad alone(for 8 years), to having to share him with an infant(half sister) for a year to now having to share him with two other teenagers he doesn't like. He says he wants to spend time with his dad, but doesn't want to go to the beach with him. The ex's dad left and never looked back when ex was 3, so I don't know if he can even begin to understand DS's feelings. He probably thinks that any time with dad is quality time, but I feel like DS needs some one on one time with him.

Marsha

 

[punkin]

OP here--

I think the ex has been with the current gf about a year. He went through quite a few gfs after he left us 11 years ago, then got married in 2008, that wife got pregnant and he left her when she was 8 months pregnant. That baby is 1 1/2 now. This is the first gf ex has had with kids of her own. They are not the kind of kids DS gets along with, they are into monster trucks, hunting, etc. Not that those things are bad.

For those who think its terrible how little time non-custodial parents have with their kids, let me assure you this does not have to be the case in our situation. My ex works about 10 minutes from our house and is welcome to come by, take DS out to go fishing, go-carting, a movie or whatever during the week or even on "my" weekends. He does not do that and cancels his regular visitation about every other time. Its been like that since DS was 4.

For whoever asked what I would do if I had a trip planned to the beach and DS did not want to go: Actually, I would not plan a trip without talking to DS first. Our family trips are trips we both enjoy, so I give him several options for where he'd like to go(places that are good for me, of course) This year, he had a choice of going back to Orlando, going to NYC, going to the Grand Canyon or going to Washington DC. As you can see in my ticker, he chose Orlando.

Someone else mentioned making kids go to church. I don't make DS go to church, although he goes almost every Sunday I have him. I was made to go to church and I resented it. I ended up not attending church for 10 years after I left home. I want my son to enjoy church, so we chose a church with a big youth group and contemporary music. So far, so good(he has maybe missed church 10 times when he was with me in the last 6 years)

I'm not worried about being taken to court for one missed weekend in 11 years. He has probably cancelled at least 50 times during that time period.

I have told DS he needs to settle this with dad himself or just deal with it and go. I am going to check where they are staying, because if he is in a hotel room with the unrelated teen daughter, that will not work for me.

Marsha

I think this is the only logical solution. The denial cannot come from you or be encouraged by you. If it solely your son's decision, then he should be the one to talk to your ex about it. BTW, I can't see a court forcing a teenager to do anything he doesn't want to do. If he was younger, it would be a different story.