What do do when a child does not want to visit their other parent?

[K and K's Mommy]

Take this for what it is worth because I have never been in a divorce situation, but your DS sounds a bit like me. Probably when I was around the same age as your DS we visited some family friends with kids about my age. I did NOT want to go. I was very uncomfortable with the thought of having to visit with kids my age that I did not know. I went, but I still remember being miserable and not knowing what to say. These kids were even a lot like me so I can't imagine if they were into totally different things.

I also put off thinking about unpleasant things. I think in the back of my mind that perhaps it will just go away! I've gotten better as an adult but as a 15 year old, I don't think I could have talked to a parent I barely knew about not wanting to go on vacation with teenagers I barely knew. Your ex may not have a clue about this so if you don't think he'll be understanding, you may want to give him a heads up. If my parents had laughed at me or totally dismissed me, I would have been devastated.

 

[taximomfor4]

Then the dad should be allowed to make up the time on another day. Dads (I should say non custodial parents) get such little time compared to the custodial parent. If you only get to spend a couple days a week or every couple weeks with your child and your child has a social event on the days you are scheduled to be with them, you should get makeup days.

I hear you. We don't follow our divorce papers here at all anyway. When my ex gets his schedule (it varies), he lets dd know his days off. If she has nothing going on, she tells him ok. Also, he can take her for a few hours on days he DOES work. I have never, ever said he couldn't have EXTRA time with her.

She doesn't tend to ask for much extra time with him though, he seems to be unable to have time away from his gf and dd doesn't like spending all her precious "dad time" with gf (or the one before that, or the one before that, etc).

 

[codenamejack]

..

 

[shortbun]

I think that a 15yo should be able to use his words and beg off. I am the parent of a boy who will be 15 in July so I'm aware of their social inabilities. But, I'd tell my son that as he was not a little boy anymore, he needs to communicate with his father. You can help by going over his options with him. this is part of growing up. I know it's hard for him but it will be so much better for his relationship with his father if he/your son can begin to make all the decisions and man up about them being HIS needs and wants. With few exceptions, you could be out of that now.

 

[brockash]

You watched and your priority and care was for the ADULT you married, not the child.



No but I didn't make any choices along the way to allow the law to decide that for my child, either. Again, the adult who made these choices and put this child in this position is your only consideration. The child has rights also.

Wow, sounds like you have a lot of resentment about these types of issues. As far as the statement that I bolded above (you were responding to the pp that asked if you could imagine only getting to see your child 30 days out of the year?) It really shouldn't be about you or the NCP...a better question would be can you imagine your CHILD only being able to see one of his/her parents 30 days out of the year, and trust me your child is the most innocent one in the situation and surely "didn't make any choices along the way to allow the law to decide that."

I'm really shocked at how many ppl. really think that the decision should just be left up to the kid. Do ppl. not understand that there's a reason that kids are kids and that they don't make all the decisions in their lives and the reason they have parents is to make sure the best is done for them??? Why do you think courts don't ask the kids to decide who they want to live with and when/if they want to see the other parent. I understand this kid is 17 and he can talk to his Dad about things if there's really something else he has going on in his life during the beach trip, but I'm shocked by how many ppl. think it should all just be left up to the kids involved. My kids would eat junk all day and go to bed at midnight, ect. if I let them...my job as their parent is to do what's best for them. Like I said before, wouldn't it be best for your child to have a chance at having a decent relationship with both of his parents, not just one??? Seriously, think about if something happens to you; wouldn't you want your child to have a half decent relationship with the other parent? I get that the other parent might not do things the way you'd want them to, and they may not always put your child first, but that's just more of reason for you to do it as much as possible. I was a child of divorce, and if I would have been given the choice, I wouldn't have gone to visit my Dad, but I'm so grateful that I had parents (not someone that wanted to just be my fried, but actual parents-who sometimes I didn't like) that put my best interests at heart and made me.

 

[punkin]

Wow, sounds like you have a lot of resentment about these types of issues.

I'm really shocked at how many ppl. really think that the decision should just be left up to the kid. Do ppl. not understand that there's a reason that kids are kids and that they don't make all the decisions in their lives and the reason they have parents is to make sure the best is done for them??? Why do you think courts don't ask the kids to decide who they want to live with and when/if they want to see the other parent. I understand this kid is 17 and he can talk to his Dad about things if there's really something else he has going on in his life during the beach trip, but I'm shocked by how many ppl. think it should all just be left up to the kids involved. My kids would eat junk all day and go to bed at midnight, ect. if I let them...my job as their parent is to do what's best for them. Like I said before, wouldn't it be best for your child to have a chance at having a decent relationship with both of his parents, not just one??? Seriously, think about if something happens to you; wouldn't you want your child to have a half decent relationship with the other parent? I get that the other parent might not do things the way you'd want them to, and they may not always put your child first, but that's just more of reason for you to do it as much as possible. I was a child of divorce, and if I would have been given the choice, I wouldn't have gone to visit my Dad, but I'm so grateful that I had parents (not someone that wanted to just be my fried, but actual parents-who sometimes I didn't like) that put my best interests at heart and made me.

At 17 my DD is off to college this year. Not much I can do to control her then. I think at this age a teen is perfectly capable of making the decision about where he spends his vacation and with whom. Forcing him to do anything will certainly backfire on the forcer.

 

[brockash]

At 17 my DD is off to college this year. Not much I can do to control her then. I think at this age a teen is perfectly capable of making the decision about where he spends his vacation and with whom. Forcing him to do anything will certainly backfire on the forcer.

I wouldn't say forcing a 17 year old to do anything would certainly backfire on the forcer, as I was "forced" to still go to visitation when I was 17 and I still love both my parents and I'm actually grateful for those memories I have now.

Like I said in my post, if there's something big that the child has going on and doesn't want to miss, then I think by all means they should talk to both parents and explain why they don't want to ect. One summer I stayed home for a month, because I had some other things going on that I wanted to do. Honestly, looking back now, I probably would have rather gone, but like I said before unless there's some type of abuse going on...sometimes it's okay to make a child (still a child even at 17) do things they'd rather not do.

 

[taximomfor4]

Wow, sounds like you have a lot of resentment about these types of issues.

I'm really shocked at how many ppl. really think that the decision should just be left up to the kid. Do ppl. not understand that there's a reason that kids are kids and that they don't make all the decisions in their lives and the reason they have parents is to make sure the best is done for them??? Why do you think courts don't ask the kids to decide who they want to live with and when/if they want to see the other parent. I understand this kid is 17 and he can talk to his Dad about things if there's really something else he has going on in his life during the beach trip, but I'm shocked by how many ppl. think it should all just be left up to the kids involved. My kids would eat junk all day and go to bed at midnight, ect. if I let them...my job as their parent is to do what's best for them. Like I said before, wouldn't it be best for your child to have a chance at having a decent relationship with both of his parents, not just one??? Seriously, think about if something happens to you; wouldn't you want your child to have a half decent relationship with the other parent? I get that the other parent might not do things the way you'd want them to, and they may not always put your child first, but that's just more of reason for you to do it as much as possible. I was a child of divorce, and if I would have been given the choice, I wouldn't have gone to visit my Dad, but I'm so grateful that I had parents (not someone that wanted to just be my fried, but actual parents-who sometimes I didn't like) that put my best interests at heart and made me.

At 17, the ds in the OP being able to talk to his dad about this whole situation should HELP them become closer. Having mom force ds to go against his wishes, and ds just putting up with having to be there for the whole weekend at the beach, and NOT talking to his dad about how he feels...how will that help them be closer?

My sis, brother, and I were children of divorce as well. We had visitation with dad. Older sis got a job, had quite the social life, and didn't go to visitation much, if at all, in her mid to late teens. My brother and I continued to go, me even at age 18...even though I worked, and dad lived 2 towns away, I would have them pick me up after my work ended for the evening. If I went out with friends, I had them drop me off at Dad's. Mom never, ever made me go. Dad never, ever gave older sis a hard time about not coming. They talked on the phone whenever they wanted, and were always close without that visitation time.

I just think being in the same hotel room isn't what makes people "closer", it is having deep, intimate talks. My closest friends aren't even the ones I see the most, it's the ones I can talk the most honestly and openly with.

BTW, courts do, in fact, listen to kids wants...especially as they get older. BTDT. And while the court can order the mother to make the child available for visitation day, and not hinder the visitation, they can't force the child to get into dad's car (which is what my sis refused to do).

 

[brockash]

At 17, the ds in the OP being able to talk to his dad about this whole situation should HELP them become closer. Having mom force ds to go against his wishes, and ds just putting up with having to be there for the whole weekend at the beach, and NOT talking to his dad about how he feels...how will that help them be closer?

My sis, brother, and I were children of divorce as well. We had visitation with dad. Older sis got a job, had quite the social life, and didn't go to visitation much, if at all, in her mid to late teens. My brother and I continued to go, me even at age 18...even though I worked, and dad lived 2 towns away, I would have them pick me up after my work ended for the evening. If I went out with friends, I had them drop me off at Dad's. Mom never, ever made me go. Dad never, ever gave older sis a hard time about not coming. They talked on the phone whenever they wanted, and were always close without that visitation time.

I just think being in the same hotel room isn't what makes people "closer", it is having deep, intimate talks. My closest friends aren't even the ones I see the most, it's the ones I can talk the most honestly and openly with.

BTW, courts do, in fact, listen to kids wants...especially as they get older. BTDT. And while the court can order the mother to make the child available for visitation day, and not hinder the visitation, they can't force the child to get into dad's car (which is what my sis refused to do).

I completely agree that the best solution would be for the ds involved to talk to Dad about what's going on, why he doesn't want to go ect. From OP's original post while it sounded like OP wanted her ds to talk to Dad, it didn't sound like she thought that was going to happen. I agree if ds isn't going to do it on his own, I think mom should tell Dad that he needs to talk to ds about things.

 

[punkin]

I completely agree that the best solution would be for the ds involved to talk to Dad about what's going on, why he doesn't want to go ect. From OP's original post while it sounded like OP wanted her ds to talk to Dad, it didn't sound like she thought that was going to happen. I agree if ds isn't going to do it on his own, I think mom should tell Dad that he needs to talk to ds about things.

I agree completely with the bolded part, but I do not think it is mom's place to talk to the ex. If the child is old enough to refuse to go, then he should be old enough to discuss it with his father. If he won't do that, then he should just go and stop annoying his mother.

 

[blanq]

Spending time with a non-custodial parent is like going to church. Sometimes, you really don't feel like going, but you are generally better for it. Giving a child an option to skip either one is not a good idea, in my opinion.

I agree with this.

I think that when parents aren't divorced and have teens, there is a push/pull on the teen when it comes to spending time with their parents. The issue is complicated more when parents divorce because even more effort is required.

Sometimes I think it is appropriate for parents to just put their foot down and insist that having a relationship with both parents should be a priority. If there are issues in the non-custodial parent/teen relationship that need addressing, then a teenager needs to learn to communicate to try and help the relationship be the best it can be. Now, I am talking about typical relationship issues and not something like abuse or other things that would invite custodial parent to non-custodial parent intervention.

 

[torinsmom]

OP here. My ex messaged me about an hour ago asking when DS would be ready on Friday. I told him DS is saying he doesn't want to go and that I think he should talk with him. Of course, DS was then refusing to answer the phone, saying his dad would be mad at him, etc. I told my ex what DS had said. DS refused to talk to him, so the ex just said its his weekend and DS is going. I told him I just wanted to make him aware of DS's feelings and I understood his stance. I did find out what beach they will be at and that they are staying in a condo, not a hotel. Hopefully DS will feel more comfortable without having to be in close quarters. He told me he does feel uncomfortable with the gf's family because he doesn't know them well. I told him he will have to just deal with it, unless he is willing to refuse to get in the car with his dad(I know he would not do that)

Kinda sad that he will probably not have a great weekend.

Marsha

 

[chloelovesdisney]

I wouldn't assume the worse. So often people dread going somewhere, and once they are there they have a great time.

 

[jillyb]

I wouldn't assume the worse. So often people dread going somewhere, and once they are there they have a great time.

I agree. Sounds like the issue is more that he's nervous about meeting/being around people he doesn't know. Sometimes digging a bit deeper brings out the real reason a kid doesn't want to do something.

 

[torinsmom]

He is still asking me what we are going to do about this weekend I told him unless he can talk his dad out of it, or he refuses to get into the car, things are pretty much set.

Marsha

 

[kellyg403]

OP, I understand completely where you are coming from and how hard it is! My dd is 17 and right around 14 she started not wanting to go to her dads. He got remarried, she was no longer the 'lady' of the house as it were. She was like his wife there for a while, the only girl in the house. Anyway, to make a long story short there was a time she was not going to dads. He was trying to be good about it but eventually, as her mom, I started making her go. Its not something I wanted to do but overall in the end I felt she was jealous and not even trying to find some way to make the situation work. I told her unless she had a conversation with her dad the opened up the lines of communication so that they could find a solution together, she was going. No ifs ands or buts. We never stuck to the visitation schedule and she had plenty of opportunity to bow out for parties or friends. Her dad was really good about a lot of things. Then, she decided she just was NOT going to like her stepmom and that was that.

I really think at a certain point the kids HAVE to find a way to open the lines of communication. If he is jealous or uncomfortable, that is totally o.k. He has to find a solution with dad. I don't think he should use it as an 'excuse' to not attend, because while it is a valid reason, it is an excuse now that he has had an opportunity to solve it and find a happy middle.

Kelly

 

[jillyb]

I really think at a certain point the kids HAVE to find a way to open the lines of communication. If he is jealous or uncomfortable, that is totally o.k. He has to find a solution with dad. I don't think he should use it as an 'excuse' to not attend, because while it is a valid reason, it is an excuse now that he has had an opportunity to solve it and find a happy middle.

Kelly

Well said and I completely agree with this!

 

[torinsmom]

OP again. DS asked me to message his dad to call him b/c he wanted to talk to him himself. I told him his dad was set, but he had built up his courage all day. He did not tell his dad some of the reasons, just that it was long ride and that he didn't want to swim, or be on the beach and it would be a waste of his time. Of course his dad blamed it on me and said I had put these ideas in his head. He finally told him he didn't have to go but that he was really hurt. Then he told DS to tell me that I got my way. Now, let me say we have been divorced for almost 12 years now, and I have only kept his son from him once. That was when DS was 4 and was crying hysterically that he did not want to go. I asked him to come back later that day when he was calm. He didn't like it, but he did and things went a lot better. I have bent over backwards to encourage their relationship, but when something happens he doesn't like it is somehow all my fault. So, now he is po'd at me and we will see what happens next. He will probably change his mind and force him to go.

UGH, I don't like being in the middle.

Nevermind--now he calls and says he IS going to make DS go. I guess DS learned his feelings don't really matter after all.

Marsha

 

[brockash]

OP again. DS asked me to message his dad to call him b/c he wanted to talk to him himself. I told him his dad was set, but he had built up his courage all day. He did not tell his dad some of the reasons, just that it was long ride and that he didn't want to swim, or be on the beach and it would be a waste of his time. Of course his dad blamed it on me and said I had put these ideas in his head. He finally told him he didn't have to go but that he was really hurt. Then he told DS to tell me that I got my way. Now, let me say we have been divorced for almost 12 years now, and I have only kept his son from him once. That was when DS was 4 and was crying hysterically that he did not want to go. I asked him to come back later that day when he was calm. He didn't like it, but he did and things went a lot better. I have bent over backwards to encourage their relationship, but when something happens he doesn't like it is somehow all my fault. So, now he is po'd at me and we will see what happens next. He will probably change his mind and force him to go.

UGH, I don't like being in the middle.

Nevermind--now he calls and says he IS going to make DS go. I guess DS learned his feelings don't really matter after all.

Marsha

I know it's hard for you to deal with the situation of being a divorced Mom and having to share custody and dealing with a teen ect., but it's passive aggressive comments (and the attitude) like the one that I bolded above that is really going to complicate (and make things much harder) things/relationships between all 3 of you. No, it's not that your ds learned that his feelings don't really matter after all, it's that he learned (and it sounds like just a little, since he still wasn't comfortable telling Dad everything) how to open up and speak a little to his Dad, but that still he's the child and you 2 are the parents and will have the final decision on what's best for him, or what he's going to do or not do at times. Kids don't always get their way, that's life I certainly hope there are times that your ds expresses his feelings/wants about something to you, but that you still say NO it's no different. Your DS will be fine this weekend. There's no need to feel sorry for him, and if I were you I'd be expressing my opinion that it'll be a nice experience and that you're sure he'll find at least one thing over the weekend that he'll at least somewhat enjoy.

I completely agree with the pp that said a lot of times ppl (especially teens) think they don't want to do something, because they don't want to leave their "comfort zone," but once they do, they usually end up enjoying themselves, at least a little.

 

[torinsmom]

I do say no to DS, but I also take his feelings into account when I plan a vacation. It's a FAMILY vacation, so want us both to enjoy it. When I do say no, I also don't change my mind and tell him he doesn't have to do something and then call back later and say never mind you have to do it whether you like it or not. That is that part that really has me upset. DS was so upset when he got off the phone. He stayed in the bathroom with diarrhea for 30 minutes. Still, he said he was glad his dad respected how he felt. Now, he feels like his dad doesn't care how he feels. These are DS's words, not mine. I have told him they will go fishing and mini-golf, and I'm sure he'll have fun once he gets there, but he is not buying it.

I am sorry if I sound a little passive aggressive. It would take a book to describe the crap that this man has put me through since we started dating 17 years ago. He was/is mentally abusive. He goes from woman to woman until they are mentally and financially broken and he has taken his son along for the ride. I have done really good to keep my thoughts from DS for years, but now he is seeing it for himself with this current relationship. Forgive me for thinking that my ex will punish DS for voicing his thoughts by making him feel guilty the whole weekend. I have dealt with him for 17 years and I know how he works.

Marsha