What Can I Do to Help My Mother?

[NHdisneylover]

I htink you have gotten lots of great advice.

My one thought on reading your op: what has your mom done to reach out to these friends? Has she called them and asked to go visit them or arrange a lunch date, etc? Has she invited them to come see her? Maintaining a friendship is a two way street--is she doing her side of it? If not, maybe, rather than take over and contact people for her, help her contact them (encourage her to make a call--offer to drive her to her friend's house or out to a lunch place to meet up with friends, let her dictate cards to you to mail to her friends, etc)

 

[The Mystery Machine]

A lunch date is a good idea, thanks. I've thought about calling the one friend that Mom misses most, but hate to put her on the spot and/or make her feel guilty, etc. Maybe I could write a note and mail it, that way I could update her and not have to do it on the phone to possibly make her feel uncomfortable.

I think that is a good idea too.

 

[Piglet]

How about have a little party for her? Invite her friends and family. When my grandfather was in the nursing home, they had an activity room that could be used for visits/birthday parties. We would bring in food and cake and have family.

 

[VandVsmama]

Stay out of it. Your mom's friends are adults. You can give her friends her new address and phone number but aside from that, don't nag them about why they don't come to visit. There might be a very reasonable explanation why and it might have nothing to do with your mom. Your mom's life will not be like it used to and that is really hard for her to deal with right now I would imagine.

 

[minniecarousel]

I don't think it's nagging to drop a note to her closest friend and offer to either take her to see her or take them out to lunch. But sure - you can't force someone to go see someone in a facility. I know my mom would get so sad to see her best friend in the facility she lived in. So there's that too. No easy answer!

 

[ksjayhawks]

Reserve one of the rooms at the nh and plan an afternoon get together. Have drinks and snacks. Invite her friends to come and visit from 2 to 4 (or some such time frame). Offer to pick them up if they need a ride. Make sure when they leave that they know they are welcome anytime and have mom's address and phone number--put it on a piece of paper for them.
If they have a good time, perhaps suggest doing it on a monthly basis.

 

[tvguy]

My mom was fortunate enough to enjoy good health and be able to live on her own until a few weeks before her 89th birthday. The last 12 months of her life she was in a Residential Care Facility for the Elder (a home like setting with no more than 6 residents). I saw her every day (except for 10 days) the last 13 months of her life, and learned a lot of the issues the elderly face. First, my mom was the YOUNGEST person at 89 in her care facility and in her circle of friends. My mom was always the one who went to visit everyone else when she was able, because her friends just weren't healthy enough to do get out.
Physical impairment of the residents friends was a big reason the residents had almost no visitors, although for many, their friends had already passed away. And there was one lady at the board and care who was 98, she had her 2 children young, and they had already died of old age.
Sadly, it is all a factor of aging, you lose friends, you lose family, and that ones that are still are around just aren't well enough to visit.

 

[Melissa_E]

I would imagine that nursing homes are scary places for older people! If your mom can leave the home, perhaps help remove that barrier for her and invite her and her lady friends to your home for lunch/tea/whatever. Or invite them to meet her at a restaurant. You can drop her off and pick her up. Maybe call them and ASK, tell them she's missing them, and ask if you can help make more visits happen? (Not in a mean or judgmental way, just as a daughter wanting to help mom.)

This is exactly what I'd do. You don't need to sound like they have abandoned her.

You say, "Hi, this is XYZ's daughter. Mom is feeling really good lately and would love to see you. Is there any chance you can meet her for lunch (tea, dinner, whatever)?"

I've had to help my dad through this and said things similar to his friends.