What are some ground rules for you kids while traveling?

[moopdog]

I am very nervous about the potential bickering, hurt feelings, and attitude problems that may arise during our upcoming Sept trip. Because we have a blended family (StepDaughter 13, son 4.75, and daughter 2.75), our SD is not with us very often - only about once a week and then 2 weekends a month. And due to rules and expectations being different at her Mom's and due to the age gap, our SD tends to get away with lots that our other two would never be allowed to do & say. I let it slide because I don't want to be the nagging stepmother and also because she is not with us a lot and I don't want her to HATE being with us, ya know? BUT there are things that I will NOT be able to deal with for 9 days straight, and want to know what some ground rules should be. I already have some ideas, but need to know if I should word differently and add or take away some things.... here goes: Keep in mind, these are things the 13 year old usually does to the little ones, not the other way around... but I'm not enforcing the rules for everyone, not just my SD.

-No name calling of any kind
-No poking, grabbing, hitting, pushing, pulling, and taking things from others EVER.
-No using words that we deem inappropriate for little ears to repeating (stupid, hate, retard, dork, shut-up).
-No complaining/whining when it's someone else's turn to do something (certain ride, pick a tv show, etc) everyone gets a turn!
-Bedtimes WILL be on time or possibly earlier than when we're at home!
-Showers will be taken when we say, due to a tight schedule and not just when you feel like it. Same goes for meals... when we stop to eat... we all eat, etc.
-We will not be having deserts after every meal, we will not be having extra goodies in the parks very often (to save money).
-We will get souveniors on a specific day... not each and everyday. If you see something you like, let us know but then "drop the subject" until the actual shopping day!

That about sums it up, although with each month that passes, I realize that it's going to take a LOT of patience. Does anyone else have a similar concern?

 

[moopdog]

OOOHHHHH, I almost forgot my alltime most important one (biggest pet peeve)...

-NO SSSSHHHHHING people when they're trying to talk - period! (big problem of ours when the radio or TV is on and "NOBODY" is supposed to speak just because of that)

 

[gabbygrennell]

Our rules for on the road and on vacation are the same as when we are at home... You might want to make sure these are being followed at home prior to trip, otherwise I think you may be in for a trip full of frustration and disappointment that you spent your entire trip reminding her of the rules... and trying to enforce them!
None of your rules sound rediculous, or like you are expecting too much! I know it is hard when kids have 2 different sets of rules due to living with different parents, but those rules are very simple and basic.

 

[tlbwriter]

Wow, that could get tricky. If I were in your shoes, not only would I make the rules clear at the beginning of the trip, but also the penalty for breaking them. Just make sure it's not something that punishes *you* - (i.e., have to leave the park, so someone has to leave with her!)

No name calling of any kind - good

-No poking, grabbing, hitting, pushing, pulling, and taking things from others EVER. - good

-No using words that we deem inappropriate for little ears to repeating (stupid, hate, retard, dork, shut-up). - good, but unless it's a big bad one, cut her some slack the first time - it's easy to forget you're around little kids, and I'd hate to be reprimanded just for saying "Ugh! I hate mosquitos!"

-No complaining/whining when it's someone else's turn to do something (certain ride, pick a tv show, etc) everyone gets a turn! - good luck!

-Bedtimes WILL be on time or possibly earlier than when we're at home! - I don't know about this one - seems too strict

-Showers will be taken when we say, due to a tight schedule and not just when you feel like it. Same goes for meals... when we stop to eat... we all eat, etc. - again, this seems too strict - if she has a habit of showering several times a day, I can see where you'd need to limit that, but instead of saying "you can shower when we say so," why not say "you can shower once a day" and let her choose when to do it

-We will not be having deserts after every meal, we will not be having extra goodies in the parks very often (to save money). - good, but you might want to be more specific - maybe there are special days or locations when you'll splurge on dessert, and otherwise, don't ask?

-We will get souveniors on a specific day... not each and everyday. If you see something you like, let us know but then "drop the subject" until the actual shopping day! - I think I'd have her write down everything she wants as a souvenir, then let her buy them (within a set budget) on the last day. That way she won't blow her wad early on and spend the rest of the trip seeing stuff she "has to have."

Also, my SIL is in your shoes - two young kids and an older stepchild, and I know the stepchild feels left out. Teenagers just don't realize how much time and attention little ones require. So I'd go out of your way at least once a day to do something *she* wants to do, even if she's the only one who wants to.

 

[JennsBabySky]

The rules sound understandable. But since you asked for our opinions, here goes. Don't forget that she probably feels like an outsider. She is only visiting your house once a week and on weekends, so it is not her home. The other two kids get to live at home with their mom and dad all the time and she visits some of the time. Plus most of those rules are more geared toward her and not the other kids, so now she is going to feel like she is being picked on.

It might make it more pleasant if you gave her some choices when possible. Maybe let her know that only 3 nights you will be getting desert, so let her pick which restaurant for 1 or 2 nights. She might be less likely to complain on the other nights. You could print up some menus before hand so she could pick places that have (in her opinion), really cool deserts.

For the shower, maybe give her an itinerary of the trip (which days you will be leaving the hotel early or staying out late) or let her know the next day's schedule beforehand. Then give her a choice of either getting up early to take the shower or taking one in the evening and potentially missing a favorite show on TV. Also, maybe let her pick out her favorite TV show or two before leaving, that way she won't run the risk of missing her favorite show because it is not her turn in the rotation. Also, then she can't complain every night that she is missing her favorite show. I can understand about the meals, but unless one of the younger kids is having a meltdown, involve her in the decision making. When stopping for lunch, we even ask our 5 year old if she is hungry and involve her in the decision (unless we have reservations, crying child, etc).

I can understand about the bedtimes, but I hope her bedtime isn't the same as the younger kids. She is older and couldn't possibly need as much sleep as they do!

Have fun!

 

[golfgal]

Having an almost 13 year old boy, my guess the shower issue is that she doesn't shower enough, not that she showers too much, right??

I agree that the bedtime one is a little harsh for vacation. Part of the fun of being on vacation is staying up "late". Plus, there are so many things to do in the parks later at night, the various fireworks shows, that this might go by the wayside. Also, by the time you do get back to your room, they will probably all be so tired they won't be able to stay up later.

As for shopping, give them each $xx.xx to spend and when it is gone, it is gone. That gives them some control over their vacation (especially the oldest).

The behavior ones are fine.

Now the real question, what is going to happen if somone doesn't obey the rules?

 

[meandtheguys2]

souveneir issue: Not all souvies are available in one location. If she wants something from each of the parks, how are you going to deal with that. I would give her the money that you intend to give her at the beginning. 13 is old enough to learn to budget. That is a privilege of being 13 rather than 4 and your kiddos can just learn that there are benefits to growing up.

It seems that you are going after her in a big way. I would suggest pulling her to your side, in being kind and a good example for the little ones, etc. As long as she isn't keeping people up, what is the problem with reading or whatnot? And pinpointing the "shhhing" makes it seem that you are just using the vacation to change her behavior. Not a good plan. Anytime you attempt to change a child's behavior the behavior will increase for a time period while they test the limits. I would suggest gently reminding her that people are more important than TV etc., and moving on.

By the way, where are the rules that pinpoint the problems of your kids? Seems you are making the SD the enemy and problem.

 

[Traveliz]

Ok I haven't read all the replies - well because its Friday afternoon and I am drinking a margarita while I read BUT here is what we do...

Let me preface it by saying I have taken MANY MANY trips to Florida with kids of all ages -- nieces nephews, daughter son family friends, brothers and their families etc.

I always determine the main rules much like you have and then write up a FLORIDA FUN CONTRACT for each person. The body of the contract is the same for everyone and are the general main rules...you just need to think that out and not over do it...but make it general for everyone.

Then for each person I pick something they can't do that week - usually it is something that you would consider their toughest problems...might be no sarcastic remarks, no teasing, whatever - for the dads I have typed out no running ahead of anyone unless we send you for fast passes.

We have a meeting and everyone signs their contracts. At that time they also get an M&M tube with 10.00 in quarters for the drive down. IF there are car problems -- I get a quarter each time - otherwise that is extra money for them when we arrive.

This has always worked well for us as it is a MANDATORY meeting (but fun) and then everyone knows the ground rules.

Liz

 

[NotUrsula]

I think that you need to accept that no matter how early you force her to go to bed, she won't want to get up in the morning; that's just a biological fact of being 13, and she can't change it with the best will in the world. That is a battle I just wouldn't choose. Take a midday break and let the little ones nap so that they can handle staying up later, and realize that where possible, being in the parks fairly late is actually your best bet. The surest way to court conflicts with all your kids is to be in the parks between noon and 4, the hottest part of the day. (It's still plenty hot in Sept.)

I would also definitely split up for part of the time. If you don't feel comfortable letting her explore on her own for a couple of hours in the same park, then send SD and Dad off together for awhile while you ride herd on the small fry.

As to the shopping, the previous poster who pointed out that some merchandise is unique was correct; you would do better to give her her money up front and let her spend it on what she wants as long as her purchase isn't forbidden for being inappropriate (not much that is at WDW, but you get the point.) We restrict shopping to the last hour before we leave a park; that way backtracking for that special something isn't too onerous, and we don't prime waste ride time on shopping.

 

[weregoingtodw]

Please don't take this as criticism, because it's not... but are you sure you want her going with you? Are you sure that she wants to go with you? It That's a HUGE age gap and, factoring in that you plan to add rules to which she's not accustomed, you're pretty much setting her up for failure IMO. She's likely going to be bored the majority of the time, especially if your activites are geared more toward toddlers, and that alone will lead her to misbehave. Subjecting a teenager to 24/7 exposure to toddlers - no matter how angelic they might be - in very tight quarters just sounds like a great way to breed some major resentment even without the rules, especially if she's not accustomed to being around them on a regular basis.

IF you're positive that you'd like to have her along, would you consider allowing her to invite a friend along? #1, that would likely earn you some MAJOR cool points with her, and #2, it has the potential to make the trip a lot more enjoyable for all of you. Considering how much money we invest in these trips, I'd say anything you can do to make it run more smoothly would be worth it.

Just my $.02 - and that's about what it's worth!

 

[moopdog]

Thanks to all of you!! I will reply to several comments all at once since it's easier. Please believe me when I say... she is very comfortable here & doesn't feel like an outsider. If anything, we go out of our way to make her happy (partly the oldest child thing, partly just her personality demands it) and she knows that she's usually here when her Dad is, so she sees as much of him as her siblings... although at this point she is at that "my Dad is SO uncool stage" ha ha! Whenever we do anything as a family, she's included, so yes we DO want her on the trip, but DID give her a choice anyway, since it meant her missing school, etc. She said "duh! of course she wants to go!! We expected this much! No, we can't afford the extra cost of her taking a friend... not even close. Besides, when she's around her friends her behavior is 10 times worse... I'm sure others can relate to this, right?

I reread my post and I can see the confusion... the rules I stated are the same ones we have for home, we're just very lax about them. All of my kids have to live by them, not just her. I see what you mean about the rules seeming all about/to her... that's because I expect the 2 and 4 year old to act like their age... and I expect the 13 year old to act her age (that doesn't always happen). And yes, I do realize that 13 year olds are a very tough age, stuck in the middle, etc. etc..... I LOVE her dearly and hope I didn't sound otherwise. It's just very tough to work at raising the little ones to respect people, mind their manners, etc and then have the oldest one (who they COPY all of the time) acting the opposite often times. When we call her on it, she says we treat her like a baby... however if she doesn't get her way about something (spending the night with a friend for example) guess what she does... cries and carries on until my DH gives in and then laughs about it afterwards saying that she knows exactly how to get her way (not thinking we can hear her saying these things).

WAY OT, but just trying to explain my frustration.

If the little ones don't obey the rules... they'll be made to sit on a bench and miss out on the next "thing" (after several warnings of course), or a simliar punishment. My 4 year old generally goes to bed about minutes after the 2 year old... our best threat is that he'll have to go to be first tonight... works almost everytime! And yes, we DO carry it out when necessary. The 13 year old, will not have to be told more than once or twice about any one thing in particular... she'll just pout endlessly after being reprimanded!!

YES... not enough showers!!! That's so funny, that someone "got it". Also, I will expect early to bed for all of us. We're early risers, not night owls & I expect the kids will be ready for bed when it's time... I really do think so. Guess I'll find out when we get there. For the most part I'm very easy going and my SD always wants me on her side, etc. so I think our relationship is great... it's just the mother instinct in me that doesn't want her being a bad influence on her brother and sister.

 

[weregoingtodw]

AH - gotcha! My original perception was that she wasn't all that keen on the trip. Now that you've explained it that way, maybe you could enlist her to be your 'helper' on the trip, giving her responsibilities to make her feel a valuable part of the family! Of course, be careful how you verse that... I don't know the relationship w/the BM, but I can just see a BM making out that a SM made a SK go on vacation with them to babysit or some such nonsense!

If she's made the choice to go, then I say go for it, do what you've planned, and just hope for the best! I don't even know that I'd make a 'huge' deal out of the rules. OH - here's an idea... maybe you or her dad (separate, not both of you) could take her out for ice cream or something and you could casually bring up your excitement about the trip, ask her concerns and make that an opportunity to drag out the ground rules without it really seeming like a 'rule' session, if that makes sense.

As for the "treating like a baby" comment from her, when my DD9 pulls that on me, I simply reply, "Act like a baby and I'll treat you like one. Act like a 9yo and I'll treat you like that as well." It works for me at least!

Kudos to you for including her so well into your family and your vacation especially!

 

[golfgal]

Have you ever noticed how much a 13 year old will act like a 3 year old??? I know EXACTLY what you mean about the pouting (my DS could easily out pout any child), acting their age, etc. Those DANG hormones, they get you every time.

I have been warning my DH that HE will behave and remember that our children are children and that they may not always act like the little adults he thinks they are, especially at DIsney. They might even act like KIDS! I have also warned him that he is NOT to complain, even once, about how much stuff costs (he is probably the tightest person on the face of the earth, well, maybe his sister is a bit tighter).

You need to lay down the basic ground rules before you go, no question. I think you would also go a long way with your 13 year old if she gets to do something that the two little ones don't.

 

[moopdog]

Yep... I never thought of that before, but I think I need to have a rule list for DH also. He also expect our kids to act like little adults most of the time, especially in public!

Kaitlyn (the 13 yo) will get to go on a shopping spree to DTD with me one afternoon while the little ones are napping, and also to a waterpark with her Dad while me and the others go to the parks or stay at the resort. Those are her special things... My DS got a special invitation from Pooh bear to meet for dinner at the Crystal Palace... my DD got one for breakfast at CRT (via postcard actually written by mom).

 

[rt2dz]

Here are my thoughts (and obviously just MY opinion)--take them for what you want.

The no whining seems a little impossible. Everyone whines a little, especially expect from your little ones. I think "no excessive whining" and explaining excessive (one/two warnings) is probably a little better.

Be flexible on the bedtime. I'm a big down by 8:00 person at home, but when were at WDW (or vacation anywhere), I find I need to be flexible. It is more important that everyone have a good time than to stick to a rigid schedule. THAT is what makes a trip more enjoyable, not getting in absolutely everything. I understand that more for the little ones, but at 13, some things should just be left up to her. Perhaps you could do a no-noise/must be quiet after such and such a time and no complaining when it is time to get up (of course, be reasonable, no one likes to get up before they are ready). Most people don't have the energy to stay up later than normal after Disney anyhow. This makes it seem more like she is in control which means she'll probably be a lot more cooperative (sp?) everywhere else.

I'd give a choice on the shower issue. No one, especially not a teenager, responds well to be mircro-managed. Say, "Would you like to shower tonight & sleep a little later in the morning or get up earlier and shower?"

There are two things you can never force--potty training and eating. Forcing someone to eat when they aren't hungry just leads to bad food habits. I'd say this is when we are going to eat. Eat now, or wait until the next meal/snack. Give the option of getting the food (sandwhich), tossing it in a backpack/fanny pack and eating while waiting in line. This way you aren't making extra stops and everyone is happy--the sign of a good trip. Also, let her pick a few places to eat (menus are on allearsnet.com). When people are given choices/control, they do respond better when other things are out of their hands.

The dessert thing to me seems a bit strict. Yeck, it's vacation! This is the one time I don't restrict junk food. Of course, it only goes so far since at-home habits do kick in. I'd say something more like, you get dessert after dinner 3 times in the week--use them when you want. Maybe have little dessert tickets. We often snack a little more often and forego the big meal instead. This actually saves the money. Or, when you do sit down meals, try for buffets or family style where dessert is included. Or do a combo.

I'd do the shopping day. It works really well. But what you may also want to do is spend less that day and hand out some daily spending money as well. She can keep what she doesn't spend for the rest of the trip. This will give her a little leeway in what she wants. For example, she could buy an extra snack or pick out something you might think isn't worth spending on or something park specific.

The only other thing I'd suggest is having your DH go over the rules in advance, and have him enforce them while on vacation. It works much better when coming from the parent v. the step-parent. Which of course, means making sure DH is on the same page.

Every family is different. You have to do what is best for your family period, regardless of what anyone else says. These were just my thoughts. Good luck to you & enjoy your vacation!!