We're doing it: cutting back on Christmas

[BoogasMom]

We stopped buying gifts for our siblings and their spouses a few years ago as we all started having kids and the spending was getting out of hand. We all agreed on it and now we actually just buy for my husband's niece and then on my side of the family, which has a lot more children, we let the kids draw names. That way we can spend a little more and get something really nice that they want and each child gets the fun of going shopping to pick out something special for their cousin. The kids LOVE doing this and hopefully they are learning that giving and seeing the happiness on someone's face is more important than receiving.

 

[C.Ann]

When gift giving becomes an obligation - "We have to do it because so and so says so..."- it's lost all meaning and taints the holidays for everyone.. In our families, we have always given because we want to - not because we have to.. It's pretty obvious that there are those in your family who simply aren't really interested in participating fully..

I'm glad you decided that enough is enough.. Now you can relax and enjoy the holidays - the way they're meant to be..

 

[NYEmomma]

Are these people senile? Insane? Anything else that might explain why they randomly exclude people? I think that's nuts, sorry. I'm really, really sorry that your DD went through that

This is, unfortunately, a very real reality for my family too. I just don't get it... MY family would never do some so unfathomable.

DH's family on the other hand...

I think his brothers just truly don't "get it". They buy gifts for my nephews because they're boys and they like boy stuff. But my BIL's don't even interact with DD. They see her every week at lunch with FIL and don't say a word to her at all, let alone try to play with her. My nephews live 7 hours away and my BIL's drive out there just to spend time with them. It's like a girl in the family is a completely foreign concept to them (tbh, it is -- DD's the first girl in 5 generations) and they haven't a clue what to do with her.

My MIL, on the other hand, does stuff like this to be vindictive. It's why we have almost no relationship with her whatsoever. One year a BIL got a Caribbean cruise from her for Christmas, while we got a half dozen identical Dollar Store hand towels with poinsettias screen printed on them. In recent years, she's taken to avoiding having us all together at the same time because she thinks we won't know that she gives some of her sons presents and not the others.

We've given her DD's pictures 2x a year from the day she was born (even more her first year) and when you step foot in her house, you don't see a single picture. I don't know what she does with them. The only pictures she has up are pictures of her and pictures of her favorite son (DH's youngest brother).

As DD gets older and older, I become more torn about how to handle MIL and her behavior towards DD. Right now it's easy because we only see her a couple times a year and DD forgets who she is. But eventually she's going to catch on that the way her grandmother acts just isn't right... and it's not a lesson I really want my daughter to learn.

 

[NYEmomma]

In our families, we have always given because we want to - not because we have to..

That's the way it is on my side of the family as well. We'll continue getting gifts for my brother & his girlfriend because we thoroughly enjoy doing so & because we know it's appreciated. My brother is so similar to me that I enjoy shopping for him because it's fun picking out stuff that *I'd* like to have as well.

And his girlfriend... well, after 24 years of having just a boy to shop for, it's fun to get girl stuff.

DH gets along with my brother better than he does his own brothers. And my brother & his girlfriend, even though they live in another country, have a closer and more rewarding relationship with DD than my BIL's who live 5 minutes away from us. Bro & his g/f went with us to WDW last month & DD had a BLAST with them. She would rather ride with Uncle Nick & Aunt Ve than with mom & dad!

 

[HunnyPots]

When gift giving becomes an obligation - "We have to do it because so and so says so..."- it's lost all meaning and taints the holidays for everyone.. In our families, we have always given because we want to - not because we have to.. It's pretty obvious that there are those in your family who simply aren't really interested in participating fully..

I'm glad you decided that enough is enough.. Now you can relax and enjoy the holidays - the way they're meant to be..

Bingo! Very well said.

 

[Maddies Mama]

Maybe we need to follow in your footsteps and stop the insanity here as well. My DH has 5 siblings, 4 of which are married and between them I have 7 nieces & nephews, plus MIL & FIL, plus my own parents, plus our own little family of 3. We've suggested a secret santa to them twice before in the past and they begrudgingly went along with it only to whine on Christmas morning that Christmas was so "anti-climactic" with just a couple of presents to open. These are 30-something-year-old men complaining!! We always would continue buying for the children, but 18 people on my in-laws side alone is simply too many to buy for. We're sick of it. This year we switched to spending $30/month on gifts and socked them away in the garage for Christmas time and I have to say it's helped, but come on...we're all in our 30s and 40s. It's time to make Christmas gift giving about the children, not each other.

 

[honeydiane1953]

My ex-husband is one of nine kids. So Christmas eve was chaotic! We used to all gather and my family bought for all the kids and One present per family example huge popcorn trio. Of course a gift for my MIL and FIL. My husband got lots of clothes from in-laws and me I got an avon cup with three hershey's kisses. My daughter received 5.00 while my step daughters(who I raised) received 10. I am so glad I am no longer part of that.

 

[SandrA9810]

Why don't you start a new "family tradition".... you're own.

While it's nice to spend time with family, it's nicer to spend time with people you want to be around. Sounds like you're only going over there because "it's the holidays and you're supposed to".

No reason to put yourself in a house full of tension for the day. Just send out a nice little Christmas card with the family photo and say you're sorry that you won't be there for the holidays. No time like right now to show your daughter how the holidays are supposed to be spent. And she's probably getting to the age she can help in the kitchen. Like taste testing the mashed taters or decorating desserts.

If your brother ever comes back state side, then he can come over for the holidays. And if you do like the one BIL, send a box to his family before the holidays while they're still at home rather than exchanging in front of people. If you DH's side likes to do things behind closed doors, then there's no reason you have to give in front of others.

Or instead of being there Christmas Day, go over Christmas Eve for family time, when there is no gift exchange. I like exchanging gifts at home with those I have gifts for, I don't like being at other's homes during the gift exchange if I'm not part of it.

 

[threecrazykids]

Why don't you start a new "family tradition".... you're own.

While it's nice to spend time with family, it's nicer to spend time with people you want to be around. Sounds like you're only going over there because "it's the holidays and you're supposed to".

No reason to put yourself in a house full of tension for the day. Just send out a nice little Christmas card with the family photo and say you're sorry that you won't be there for the holidays. No time like right now to show your daughter how the holidays are supposed to be spent. And she's probably getting to the age she can help in the kitchen. Like taste testing the mashed taters or decorating desserts.

If your brother ever comes back state side, then he can come over for the holidays. And if you do like the one BIL, send a box to his family before the holidays while they're still at home rather than exchanging in front of people. If you DH's side likes to do things behind closed doors, then there's no reason you have to give in front of others.

Or instead of being there Christmas Day, go over Christmas Eve for family time, when there is no gift exchange. I like exchanging gifts at home with those I have gifts for, I don't like being at other's homes during the gift exchange if I'm not part of it.

I agree with this wholeheartedly. Christmas is suppose to be "the most wonderful time of the year" where you should treat everyone a little better.

My out-laws (whom we haven't seen or spoken to in 5 years) used to do the same thing. We'd go to their house to "open presents" on Christmas Eve with his parents and 2 siblings.

The presents between my MIL and my DH's two other siblings were never brought out for the exchange. She kept those put away so they could do their own exchange while we weren't there.

Or she'd try to play it off like they were "exchanging". I always found it quite funny that she really thought that we believed that her gift to my SIL that consisted of 1 bottle of hand lotion (that she'd open on Christmas Eve) really was what she got her.

If you are buying for someone because you feel "obligated" then save the money, save face, and stop doing it. Trust me...they feel the same way as you do.

 

[Soarin_04]

And then you've got the oblivious family members who just expect gifts without feeling they need to acknowledge them at all...Happy to say that in our family, those folks are no longer on the list.

DH and I decided that we'd cut out anyone who didn't even bother to acknowledge a gift. For two years running, we sent his niece, her daughters, and her husband some really nice stuff and they never responded. No thank you, no call, nothing. We didn't know if the gifts had gotten lost or what. After the second time, DH pulled the plug on gifts for them. I did the same with my goddaughter after I received no notice she'd gotten the checks I'd sent her. The only way I knew it arrived was it was cashed. Ok, so she was 14 -- but to me, if my 10 year old at the time could write a TY card, so could she.

If someone's not at least grateful or slightly appreciative, I'd rather give what I'd spent on them on a donation to Toys for Tots or Habitat or another organization.

 

[Worfiedoodles]

I am toying with cutting back right now...we do a family Christmas party, and as the host I've always provided a small gift for everyone. A little history, the party was supposed to rotate among the people of dh's generation, the year it was his older sister's turn his younger sister moved to FL, and the older sister declared it wasn't worth it without our three nieces (i.e. the people she wanted to see). DH and I felt bad and took it over that year. That was 5 years ago, and no one else is offering to take it back. Anyway, one of dh's cousins has three kids, 23, 22 and 5. Yep, they literally had the youngest one so they could stay in the projects in their unit...we have been buying gifts for this family (2 adults and 3 kids), ever since we moved to the area, 17 years ago. In all that time, we have not received one item from them, and neither has our ds13. Nothing. Not even a $1 toy from the dollar store, which honestly, I would have appreciated the effort. They have money for alcohol, cigarettes and illegal substances, but contribute nothing to this party at all (most of the families give us something towards the cost of the food). They don't even help set up or clean up, which really would be a free and welcome way to participate. Last year the two older ds's told their aunt (another of dh's cousins) they would be bringing their girlfriends and their kids to the party (the girlfriend's kids, as far as we know none of them are fathers yet). She sent out an "emergency" e-mail 2 days before letting us all know about the multiple kids (I think there were 5), their ages and wants. Seriously?! I was quite annoyed as I had already completed my shopping, and I put a lot of effort into making goody bags for the kids, which of course were not going to stretch that far without some help. I don't mind getting things for kids that aren't going to get much (and that's clearly the case here), but I don't like the expectation that everyone else just has to carry this family forever. I realize this is not the spirit of giving, and that's why I think I want to stop doing it. Right now we are buying for all the kids, and I think we are the only ones who do. My FIL and SMIL buy for my ds and one of the cousin's daughters, but no one else. My dh's older sis does the same.

Please be gentle with me. I know I probably have a poor attitude. I feel like I'm being taken advantage of, and there is no end in sight.

Maria

 

[phred52]

Are these people senile? Insane? Anything else that might explain why they randomly exclude people? I think that's nuts, sorry. I'm really, really sorry that your DD went through that

No senility or insanity. I have come to the conclusion that they just.don't.care. All the other kids/grandkids are well represented in the present department. Unfortunately it shows up in their interactions with everyone .... so much so that after 2 decades of trying to get positive attention from Grandpa, both my DD's have given up.

And at DD's ages, I'm beyond telling them where to go and what to do.... so now they just don't visit unless it's Christmas. Interesting to note that the roads between our houses always ran one way (WE had to drive to see them, never the other way around) and phone servive only went one way, too....unless they wanted something from DH.

 

[phred52]

I am toying with cutting back right now...we do a family Christmas party, and as the host I've always provided a small gift for everyone. A little history, the party was supposed to rotate among the people of dh's generation, the year it was his older sister's turn his younger sister moved to FL, and the older sister declared it wasn't worth it without our three nieces (i.e. the people she wanted to see). DH and I felt bad and took it over that year. That was 5 years ago, and no one else is offering to take it back. Anyway, one of dh's cousins has three kids, 23, 22 and 5. Yep, they literally had the youngest one so they could stay in the projects in their unit...we have been buying gifts for this family (2 adults and 3 kids), ever since we moved to the area, 17 years ago. In all that time, we have not received one item from them, and neither has our ds13. Nothing. Not even a $1 toy from the dollar store, which honestly, I would have appreciated the effort. They have money for alcohol, cigarettes and illegal substances, but contribute nothing to this party at all (most of the families give us something towards the cost of the food). They don't even help set up or clean up, which really would be a free and welcome way to participate. Last year the two older ds's told their aunt (another of dh's cousins) they would be bringing their girlfriends and their kids to the party (the girlfriend's kids, as far as we know none of them are fathers yet). She sent out an "emergency" e-mail 2 days before letting us all know about the multiple kids (I think there were 5), their ages and wants. Seriously?! I was quite annoyed as I had already completed my shopping, and I put a lot of effort into making goody bags for the kids, which of course were not going to stretch that far without some help. I don't mind getting things for kids that aren't going to get much (and that's clearly the case here), but I don't like the expectation that everyone else just has to carry this family forever. I realize this is not the spirit of giving, and that's why I think I want to stop doing it. Right now we are buying for all the kids, and I think we are the only ones who do. My FIL and SMIL buy for my ds and one of the cousin's daughters, but no one else. My dh's older sis does the same.

Please be gentle with me. I know I probably have a poor attitude. I feel like I'm being taken advantage of, and there is no end in sight.

Maria

wow. I believe you've done an amazing job trying to hold onto a family tradition for the last 5 years.

Just might be that .... now its time to let go and make a new family tradition. If you'd like to include the same cast of characters next year consider hosting dessert and coffee with carols around the tree ...being clear on the invitation AND when speaking that NO GIFTS are included with THIS new holiday celebration. Keep the time frame short such as 1PM to 4 PM or 7 PM to 9 PM.

Save the gift giving for your core family at another time.

I feel for those extra 5 kids who are coming to your party. However, YOU shouldn't be put into the position of being TOLD they will be there .... giving YOU their wish list ??? (OOooo man I'd like a word with those parents) I suggest ignore the list, have a few LITTLE things wrapped for them, say from the dollar store so it doesn't break the bank .... then set up a new tradition which does not include one way gift giving.

I wish you the best! Won't be an easy time for you no matter what you do..

 

[nicolepitts]

We did this about 2 years ago, We were buying for our siblings ( 2 are married and one is not and none have children) and they never got my kids a thing. Its frustrating. I know when they finally do reproduce I am going to be smitten and spoiling the little turkeys! Until then we just stopped giving to them. no one ever said anything.

 

[v.t.]

We've given her DD's pictures 2x a year from the day she was born (even more her first year) and when you step foot in her house, you don't see a single picture. I don't know what she does with them. The only pictures she has up are pictures of her and pictures of her favorite son (DH's youngest brother).

As DD gets older and older, I become more torn about how to handle MIL and her behavior towards DD. Right now it's easy because we only see her a couple times a year and DD forgets who she is. But eventually she's going to catch on that the way her grandmother acts just isn't right... and it's not a lesson I really want my daughter to learn.

I have been in that situation. My Dad's Mother did not care for me. While my brother would get birthday gifts, I sometimes did not. (She would not give gifts if she was upset with my parents.) As I got older my Mom told me that it was not right or fair the way I was treated. She also reassured me it had nothing to do with me, that GM had some problems. But I did have to be respectful and pleasant to her since she was my Dad's mother.

 

[scrapquitler]

I am toying with cutting back right now...we do a family Christmas party, and as the host I've always provided a small gift for everyone. A little history, the party was supposed to rotate among the people of dh's generation, the year it was his older sister's turn his younger sister moved to FL, and the older sister declared it wasn't worth it without our three nieces (i.e. the people she wanted to see). DH and I felt bad and took it over that year. That was 5 years ago, and no one else is offering to take it back. Anyway, one of dh's cousins has three kids, 23, 22 and 5. Yep, they literally had the youngest one so they could stay in the projects in their unit...we have been buying gifts for this family (2 adults and 3 kids), ever since we moved to the area, 17 years ago. In all that time, we have not received one item from them, and neither has our ds13. Nothing. Not even a $1 toy from the dollar store, which honestly, I would have appreciated the effort. They have money for alcohol, cigarettes and illegal substances, but contribute nothing to this party at all (most of the families give us something towards the cost of the food). They don't even help set up or clean up, which really would be a free and welcome way to participate. Last year the two older ds's told their aunt (another of dh's cousins) they would be bringing their girlfriends and their kids to the party (the girlfriend's kids, as far as we know none of them are fathers yet). She sent out an "emergency" e-mail 2 days before letting us all know about the multiple kids (I think there were 5), their ages and wants. Seriously?! I was quite annoyed as I had already completed my shopping, and I put a lot of effort into making goody bags for the kids, which of course were not going to stretch that far without some help. I don't mind getting things for kids that aren't going to get much (and that's clearly the case here), but I don't like the expectation that everyone else just has to carry this family forever. I realize this is not the spirit of giving, and that's why I think I want to stop doing it. Right now we are buying for all the kids, and I think we are the only ones who do. My FIL and SMIL buy for my ds and one of the cousin's daughters, but no one else. My dh's older sis does the same.

Please be gentle with me. I know I probably have a poor attitude. I feel like I'm being taken advantage of, and there is no end in sight.

Maria

Sorry that these people are so rude and ungrateful.

In my family, we only buy gifts for the children (well, except our own). Once you finish high school, the gift train has left the station. Everyone does a grab bag game together ($10-$15), and then we have the kids open gifts from Grama and the aunts and uncles. It's SO much easier.

In your case, I'd stop buying gifts for the 22 and 23 year old. Alternately, I'd buy a 'family' gift. A couple DVDs and some boxes of movie type candy and some microwave popcorn. Done. But you know, it's not the little kids fault that their parents or their mom's boyfriend are morons. So for them, I'd buy some small token gift ($5-$10 tops) so they have something to open and feel like someone cares.

Before the party, I'd call those relatives and ASK them specifically to bring something. "Can you bring a bottle of wine?" "Would you bring an appetizer" etc. And then while they are there, I'd ask specifically for help. No need to seethe and be upset while waiting fo them to offer. I'd simple walk out of the kitchen and into the room they are in and say "Joe, can you take the bag of trash out to the trash can", "Lisa, would you help me dry the dishes", "Tony, can you help Wendy clear the table so we can serve desert?" Maybe a direct approach will work better than waiting for offers of help. They might just assume that you WANT to do it because you aren't asking (my MIL for example won't LET anyone help, maybe they assume you feel the same way?)

 

[Worfiedoodles]

NYEMomma -- We have watched a similar situation, my FIL and SMIL give to each of their grandchildren differently. We are lucky in that ds is not at the absolute bottom of the list (although, frankly, that might be a mark of honor...). My SIL has three daughters. The older two are adopted. Once the younger one came, they would buy mounds of presents for her, and get the older two a gift or two, with a much lower value. The big girls were definitely big enough to notice. After 2 years, SIL told them that they did not wish to receive individual gifts for the girls anymore, they would prefer a family gift, or a check for all of them. I don't think I would have had the hoodspa to do this, but she was tired of her older children being hurt. Anyway, perhaps a solution would be to ask for something similar? Tell them you would prefer to receive a family, or "experience" gift, like zoo passes with a small stuffed animal for dd? Or telling them you know they are unfamiliar with what little girls enjoy, so you thought you'd provide a list of things she'd love (in a variety of price ranges) -- this is a not so subtle way of letting them know ignoring her is being noticed. I don't know if you would be comfortable doing that, I don't know if I even would, but I it is heartbreaking to watch a child you love treated differently from the others.

We have given up on DH's older sister paying attention to ds. She literally went on a trip to Scotland, came back and stayed overnight at our house so she wouldn't have a long drive home after the flight, and got into her suitcase to show us all the gifts she brought back for our nieces, and didn't have a single thing for ds at all...I don't think she even realized she forgot him until she pulled everything out to show us and he was sitting there waiting to see what was for him (he was 6 at the time). To be fair, she did tell me she was going to focus on the older girls since they had had a hard life and needed more attention (this is absolutely true, and I also love them dearly). But I cannot fathom completely ignoring my bright, polite sweet little boy. The snarly teenager he has become is another story

I guess I may be missing something since I don't have siblings, but I cannot imagine treating grandchildren/nieces/nephews differently. I should cut back on her gift, too!

I love these threads because they are therapeutic. The holidays are hard, and spending money that is not appreciated makes it even more so. I'm glad we have this "safe" space to vent.

Maria

 

[Worfiedoodles]

wow. I believe you've done an amazing job trying to hold onto a family tradition for the last 5 years.

Just might be that .... now its time to let go and make a new family tradition. If you'd like to include the same cast of characters next year consider hosting dessert and coffee with carols around the tree ...being clear on the invitation AND when speaking that NO GIFTS are included with THIS new holiday celebration. Keep the time frame short such as 1PM to 4 PM or 7 PM to 9 PM.

Save the gift giving for your core family at another time.

I feel for those extra 5 kids who are coming to your party. However, YOU shouldn't be put into the position of being TOLD they will be there .... giving YOU their wish list ??? (OOooo man I'd like a word with those parents) I suggest ignore the list, have a few LITTLE things wrapped for them, say from the dollar store so it doesn't break the bank .... then set up a new tradition which does not include one way gift giving.

I wish you the best! Won't be an easy time for you no matter what you do..

These are great suggestions, thank you! I do agree, it's just time to let this go. It's hard because this is literally the only time we see some of these people, but honestly, it's very wearing on me. My dh is awesome, but he will do almost anything to avoid ******* in his family, so when I complain we end up arguing because he just wants everything to go on as it has, with the exception that I just accept it.

Sorry that these people are so rude and ungrateful.

In my family, we only buy gifts for the children (well, except our own). Once you finish high school, the gift train has left the station. Everyone does a grab bag game together ($10-$15), and then we have the kids open gifts from Grama and the aunts and uncles. It's SO much easier.

In your case, I'd stop buying gifts for the 22 and 23 year old. Alternately, I'd buy a 'family' gift. A couple DVDs and some boxes of movie type candy and some microwave popcorn. Done. But you know, it's not the little kids fault that their parents or their mom's boyfriend are morons. So for them, I'd buy some small token gift ($5-$10 tops) so they have something to open and feel like someone cares.

Before the party, I'd call those relatives and ASK them specifically to bring something. "Can you bring a bottle of wine?" "Would you bring an appetizer" etc. And then while they are there, I'd ask specifically for help. No need to seethe and be upset while waiting fo them to offer. I'd simple walk out of the kitchen and into the room they are in and say "Joe, can you take the bag of trash out to the trash can", "Lisa, would you help me dry the dishes", "Tony, can you help Wendy clear the table so we can serve desert?" Maybe a direct approach will work better than waiting for offers of help. They might just assume that you WANT to do it because you aren't asking (my MIL for example won't LET anyone help, maybe they assume you feel the same way?)

Thanks for the suggestions. We buy presents for all the kids, but as the hostess I've been providing small items ($10 gift card, candles, etc.) for each adult. We can't do a grab bag for the grown-ups. We tried that several years ago and these people showed up and took things, but didn't bring anything so 2 people who brought gifts ended up with nothing. They didn't think anything of it. There is an unwritten rule that we don't do a grab bag anymore. They have been asked to bring things before, they always show up empty-handed. And while we are doing things, setting up cleaning up, etc., the other adult cousins (which consists of 4 ladies and their husbands) are all up helping. These people run out to smoke (leaving all the kids unsupervised), and only reappear when all the tasks are done. We've even tried leaving things they could do, and they just announce they're leaving. If you ask them to take out the trash on their way out, they conveniently just walk out. It feels like a big gift grab for them -- and I honestly don't think they even care about seeing the rest of the family.

This holiday would be perfectly pleasant without them. If I could find a way to hold it without them and still invite the man's sister and her family (who are quite nice), I would. One year we went to a restaurant so I wouldn't have so much cooking, decorating, etc. to do. I admit I figured they wouldn't show up if they had to pay for their own food. The sister mostly paid for the entire crew, which I know was not easy for her. They just offered nothing and when it became time to settle the bill, she was embarrassed and asked what their share was. We also contributed, but I don't think anyone else felt responsible for them, as dh's family consists of lots of steps and cousins and people who aren't technically related to each other.

I know this is TMI. I feel like I've tried everything I can to make this party work, and it just doesn't anymore. The only reason I feel like I need to keep doing it is this is the only time dh's father and his wife see my son (their choice, we offer to visit or have them over and are rebuffed each time). They even had my SIL and dh's female cousin over to their house last year after the party. I told dh I'm done, and he was not happy, but said he would send out an e-mail to let people know. If someone wants to take it up and be the hosts, I will attend and help. The more I type, the more I think I need to let this go, at least for this year. I need a break!

Maria

 

[HunnyPots]

These are great suggestions, thank you! I do agree, it's just time to let this go. It's hard because this is literally the only time we see some of these people, but honestly, it's very wearing on me. My dh is awesome, but he will do almost anything to avoid ******* in his family, so when I complain we end up arguing because he just wants everything to go on as it has, with the exception that I just accept it.


Thanks for the suggestions. We buy presents for all the kids, but as the hostess I've been providing small items ($10 gift card, candles, etc.) for each adult. We can't do a grab bag for the grown-ups. We tried that several years ago and these people showed up and took things, but didn't bring anything so 2 people who brought gifts ended up with nothing. They didn't think anything of it. There is an unwritten rule that we don't do a grab bag anymore. They have been asked to bring things before, they always show up empty-handed. And while we are doing things, setting up cleaning up, etc., the other adult cousins (which consists of 4 ladies and their husbands) are all up helping. These people run out to smoke (leaving all the kids unsupervised), and only reappear when all the tasks are done. We've even tried leaving things they could do, and they just announce they're leaving. If you ask them to take out the trash on their way out, they conveniently just walk out. It feels like a big gift grab for them -- and I honestly don't think they even care about seeing the rest of the family.

This holiday would be perfectly pleasant without them. If I could find a way to hold it without them and still invite the man's sister and her family (who are quite nice), I would. One year we went to a restaurant so I wouldn't have so much cooking, decorating, etc. to do. I admit I figured they wouldn't show up if they had to pay for their own food. The sister mostly paid for the entire crew, which I know was not easy for her. They just offered nothing and when it became time to settle the bill, she was embarrassed and asked what their share was. We also contributed, but I don't think anyone else felt responsible for them, as dh's family consists of lots of steps and cousins and people who aren't technically related to each other.

I know this is TMI. I feel like I've tried everything I can to make this party work, and it just doesn't anymore. The only reason I feel like I need to keep doing it is this is the only time dh's father and his wife see my son (their choice, we offer to visit or have them over and are rebuffed each time). They even had my SIL and dh's female cousin over to their house last year after the party. I told dh I'm done, and he was not happy, but said he would send out an e-mail to let people know. If someone wants to take it up and be the hosts, I will attend and help. The more I type, the more I think I need to let this go, at least for this year. I need a break!

Maria

I would let it go - FOREVER! I can't understand why you would let yourself be taken advantage of by this bag of losers. Spend the holidays with the people you WANT to be with. If dh's father wants to see his grandson, he will. If not, at least you know what you're dealing with and your son will be better off without him in his life.

The holidays are supossed to be happy times, not days of sacrifice and misery. Eliminate everyone who does not contribute to making a happy holiday and only share it with those who do.

 

[gillenkl]

Good for you OP! We did this a few years ago and I'm glad we did.