We're ALL speechless!! UPDATE pg. 5 - Becoming the "Waltons"??

[C.Ann]

Originally posted by Tea Please
I hope I am not the only one that finds this "offer" less than generous. I actually find it rather selfish. It seems that the inlaws are trying to manipulate the "kids" into thinking thay would be getting their "dream" home, when in fact the inlaws would be getting into an "assisted" living type environment with live in caregivers.

I am a firm beleiver that every marriage deserves and NEEDS space and privacy. The scenario you describe will afford neither for any of the three marriages concerned. Essentially, there will be three seperate families living under the same roof, and I really think, no matter how big the house, it is just too close for comfort. Also, the grandchild(ren) will most likely suffer from being too entwined in adult issues. A child living with three families may not get the benefit of a normal childhood.

All persons involved, should think LONG and HARD before making any type of emotional or financial comittment. Personally, if I were your daughter, I would run as fast as I could.

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Opinion noted and no offense taken.. You have brought up some valid points and quite frankly, I have some lingering questions of my own as to why this particular offer was made at this particular point in time.. With the MIL, I think a BIG part of it is jealousy.. She does NOT care for the idea of my having daily exposure to our granddaughter (her grandparenting style and mine are TOTALLY different) and she is insanely jealous of the fact that her son and I get along extremely well and can spend hours and hours talking to each other about all sorts of things..

As for the FIL.. Recently he has lost several close friends who were healthy one day and dead the next and I truly believe he is trying to do what he thinks is best for his wife, should the same thing happen to him.. You just have NO idea how insecure this woman is and how fearful she is of being alone or "doing" things alone..

And then there's the background of the family dynamics that play into this as well.. When the MIL's Mom became ill and could no longer live alone, she moved in with them and no one even gave it a second thought.. (Including her DH - who never liked the woman..) Several years after that, the FIL's 84 yr. old father fell down a flight of stairs and broke his neck and he too moved in with them.. So as you can see, my son-in-law has been raised in a household where this type of thing is the "norm", so he doesn't consider it a "burden" or an "obligation" - it's just what you do when your parents get older..

Still - there's my DD to consider as well - what SHE can deal with - and I just hope they look at it from every possibly angle before making a final decision..

Oh - and one other thing that I found odd.. Last night they BOTH said they were certain that I would disagree with this living arrangement and it almost left me wondering if they were hoping that my disapproval would put the kabash on the offer and they could go back to their orginal plans of just having my DH & I living with them in an existing home of their choice..

 

[Ragmop]

My friends are doing something similar-but his parents (who presently live full time in a motorhome) have built a tiny one bedroom house on their land...so they are right there but not walking into the house at all hours.

That's what *I* would do in your situation...build two small and seperate In Law houses!

 

[minniecarousel]

People have really brought up some great points. I also was wondering if MIL was jealous of the fact that you & DH were "moving in" with them - because that's what she wants to do. It loks like they have put your SIL on the spot - he has to tell them that he doesn't want to live under the same roof with them, but will with his in-laws?
ugh - this is messier than I first thought - good luck.

 

[Disney Doll]

I think the ILs sound manipulative. They are dangling the "dream home" carrot in front of their son and DIL, in hopes that it will make them do what the ILs want. Maybe everybody loves the FIL, and doesn't as much like the MIL, but if the FIL goes first, you're all going to be stuck with the clingy, nervous, hanging-on MIL who is afraid of her own shadow. She will have the expectation that her"only son" will take the place of her husband and be her companion. There will be three sets of adults raising grandchildren, it wil be impossible for everyone to keep their mouths shut if DD & DSIL are doing some child rearing thing that you or ILs disgaree with...I can see this as being one big, family-imploding mess!!!!!! Plus, your DD has had her own mental health issues lately, and this sounds like an ENORMOUS stress!!!!!

Someone suggested buying enough land to build a large and 2 smaller houses separately. That sounds like a better idea to me. Still not ideal, but at least if DD and DSIL have an argument, their parents aren't going to hear every word!

You have to lay down some very specific rules for privacy, behavior etc, and stick to them. That MIL is going to be trouble, vying for son's attention every time he's talking to you...she's already jealous, and doesn't constantly see you and DSIL together, which she will once you're all doing the Waltons thing. And are the ILs going to be of the mind that "our money financed this, so we rule"?

I can remember when DH and I were house-hunting and he mentioned one day soemthing about borrowing money from our parents if we saw a really great house that we couldn't afford. I was adamantly and absolutely against it. I wanted to make it on our own, and never give anyone the opportunity to say "Well, if it wasn't for us, you wouldn't have your house". His parents and mine were very generous to us in many ways, but we bought our house ourselves. I just have visions of the MIL using the old "well, this was bought and paid for with OUR money" thing whenever she wanted DSIL and DD to do something.

Be very, very careful.

 

[robsmom]

Originally posted by susy
WOW. Is your DD prepared for the eventual long-term full time care for her MIL? It seems like that's what they want in the end. I would ask to see any insurance policies that cover full time in home care. I'm not kidding.

I hear what is being said here but am having trouble understanding what the difference between the in-laws living with their son and daughter-in-law and C. ann and her DH living with them.

C. Ann - I think that it will be very difficult for that many people to be together, but I also think that you daughter has to be careful with this. your sil has agreed to have you and your husband move it. Is she willing to make the same arrangements for her husbands parents.

good luck whatever you decide.

 

[C.Ann]

Originally posted by DMRick

is because at least 8 months out of the year I could come here to the lake if people were getting on my nerves and I have never totally ruled out the possibility of some

But only as you are able to. You mentioned some time ago about your own health. And of course your daughters health lately has not been good. And I know a little about the in law. What a burden this all could turn out to be. I agree that this may only be a win win situation for the mother in law. If you plan on being one of the people living there, I don't think you should keep your mouth shut. This affects you too much. I can't think of too many instances where this has worked (or even just having either mil living with kids). And it can often be a burden on the younger couples marriage...especially when there is a child being raised in the house, and several different ideas on how that raising should be done. And it's even harder when the grand becomes a teen. Gosh, I'm still shuddering at the thought...I see so many possiblitiles for problems..and I just don't think your daughter needs those problems. Hadn't you mentioned all was not smooth between your daughter and mil?

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More good points to consider..

I'm not really concerned about my own health issues at this point in time as I'm still able to care for myself and I can assure you 100% that if my DH were already gone, I would be here at the lake for 8 months and in Florida for the other 4.. When and if traveling such a long distance became a problem I could see myself staying with DD for the winter months but there would be no reason (other than being totally bedridden) that I could not live here at the lake for 8 months out of the year..

While I don't interfere with the raising of my granddaughter and never would (unless she were being physically abused), I CAN see where the MIL would (as she already does) and if the kids ever expected this to work they would HAVE to lay down the law - in no uncertain terms - BEFORE this proposition went forward.. Are they tough enough to do that? I don't know..

As for my DD's relationship with her MIL.. It's hard to describe.. My DD is not "crazy" about her - and the woman can definitely get under her skin at times - but it's no where near the kind of relationship you sometimes read about here on the CB.. I "think" they could manage IF my DD - WITH the support of her DH - really laid down the law in terms of what they expected - but can they do it? I don't know..

And although you didn't mention this, someone else did and I think it's worth noting as the thought has crossed my mind as well.. WOULD the IL's continually throw the $$$ situation out there and demand certain concessions because of it? Personally, I'm thinking "yes" - especially the MIL..

So - what happens now? The kids talk it over and if they ASK for my thoughts and opinions, I will offer my thoughts - along with some of the great scenarios that have been pointed out here..

It's going to be very interesting to see what develops between now and when they come back up here this weekend..

 

[EsmeraldaX]

I personally think it would be great for you granddaughter to have her grandparents so close to her. Sounds like everyone would have their own space. If everyone gets along fairly well, I say go for it. Few people will ever have the chance to live so close to their families. I'd say you're very lucky!

 

[CBRorBust]

I know I have already posted to this thread, but this thread has not left my mind since I read it this morning.

I know that this whole thing is happening for whatever reasons, be it health, money, etc. But has anyone stopped to think what this is going to do to your children's marriage?

I can honestly see this ending in divorce. I know that is HORRIBLE to even think or write in this post, but it is the honest truth. I just think of how my my BF loves my mother but I also know that I would never dream of making him take her and my father in after we are married.

I think that one set of inlaws is MORE THAN ENOUGH if not too many let alone 2 sets living under 1 roof. I think that no one has *really* thought of your children's marriage in the long run and they may not be thinking about this situation not working either. I just know that no matter how much you think your SIL or DIL loves you, there are always going to be things that they will never agree with or look beyond. So that day to day interaction may become too much.

I think that is one thing that your DD and SIL may want to think about before saying yes to anything.

Okay...sorry if I offended you. I just thought I should say what I bet a lot of other Disers are already thinking.

 

[DMRick]

I hear what is being said here but am having trouble understanding what the difference between the in-laws living with their son and daughter-in-law and C. ann and her DH living with them.

Well, I'm not too fond of that idea either LOL!

That being said, it's one thing to have one set of in laws living with kids..but when you add the second set, IMO it's a whole new ballgame. Doesn't matter which set moves in, when you add the second you have a whole new set of problems/jealousy etc. I personally would strongly recommend that C.Ann and her husband live in the daughters home before anyone sells and see how it goes. It's one thing to visit each other, it's another to actually live together. I can't see that many marriages can do this nowadays with stress leveal already over the top. It's not like the days when mom was home, and grandma came and lived with them on the family farm. Now you have mom out working, MIL deciding to prepare dinner, and mil assuming this is something that daughter/son wants..to share evening meals and togetherness. If mil or fil are all in poor health, you are talking about a lot of responsibility from the daughter and son to each have to help take care of an ill parent/s 24/7.
Much better to try it out in a crowded house for a few months, than to try and untangle after the fact. I think this, after reading about C.Anns families over the past few months is just not a good idea, in many ways. I love my daughters, but I know they need their space to mother as they mother, and make their own "grown-up" decisions without thinking I'm right there to second guess them. To have two grandma's right there...arghh!

 

[C.Ann]

I'm still listening - and taking notes!!!

I can't really say that I adamantly disagree with anything that has been said here.. This is a BIIIIIIIGGGGGG decision that needs VERY careful consideration - from everyone..

DD & her DH have already spoken in length to her doctor about the original scenario (of DH & I living with them) and based on the feelings that they have shared with him - both together and individually - he has given it his stamp of approval and feels that it will actually be more beneficial to them than detrimental..

BUT - there was another appointment this morning and when he learns that the other IL's are being added to the mix, I'm sure he may have some grave concerns - or at the VERY least, some heavy duty suggestions on what the guidelines would need to be..

I think the suggestion of our moving in before our house is sold is a good one and it's one that we were planning on doing anyhow as there is no way that I can even get my house ready and show it while DH is still there with all of his medical equipment and such.. That will create an excellent "trial" period for all concerned and may answer a lot of lingering questions that I have in my own mind..

As for it putting a strain on their marriage, it may or it may not.. It really depends on what their expectations are and what they can handle as a couple.. My BIL and SIL have had his Mom living with them for over 10 years now and it has never caused a problem - simply because they laid the ground work prior to the move.. The IL's took in parents as well and it had no negative impact on their marriage either, so I think it's just a very individualized situation that can't be covered with a blanket statement..

The bottom line remains the same though.. This is a decision THEY have to make and whatever that decision is, the rest of us need to respect it and move on from there.. I'm prepared for it to go EITHER way and hopefully the IL's will feel the same and not try to throw a guilt trip on them if the decision isn't in their favor..

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Feel free to add anymore thoughts as it really does help to have other viewpoints to consider..

 

[kasar]

personally think it would be great for you granddaughter to have her grandparents so close to her. Sounds like everyone would have their own space. If everyone gets along fairly well, I say go for it. Few people will ever have the chance to live so close to their families. I'd say you're very lucky

I was beginning to think I was weird because it sounds like a great idea to me. I imagine it to be sort of like a condo situation where you share interior walls but there are separate living spaces with separate entrances.

There's nothing wrong with wanting family nearby in one's old age, it seems natural to me.

 

[BrerMom]

So many Americans want their space. I wonder if we'd get the same responses from other cultures, especially the ones where it is the norm for several generations to live together. We have a Chinese family on our street that appears to have two sets of grandparents and two sets of families (siblings as parents, I think) with mom/dad/kids. They seem to be the happiest house around. There's always somebody different walking the kids home from school, but there's always an adult present.

We have a room in our house ready for either set of parents to move in if they want. An in-law apartment sounds like heaven to me. I would rather have them here with me in case they need me instead of across town or in a different state for me to worry about.

It could work, and work well, if appropriate boundaries are agreed upon. I would want a central common area for everybody plus an area for each family to use as a retreat. Is each family responsible for their own laundry? Is each family responsible for fixing their own meals or is the responsibility rotated for serving everyone? Things to think about...

If FIL has enough money to build a dream house, it stands to reason that he would have more than enough to hire a visiting nurse, if needed.

 

[Aimeedyan]

C. Ann, I honestly don't know your situation at all... so I don't know the health issues going on, etc etc to lead to you and your DH planning to move in with your DD and her family. So forgive me.

I have come to a point in which I think we all turn around to care for our parents in the end... my dad has been out of work for several years now, and beats the pavement sun in to sun down trying to find it, and his age and exp are working against him. He's lost everything he's worked for, and I mean everything. He's living temporarily on a twin bed in my uncles office. My DH and I have come to the conclusion that upon my graduation and a move, we will buy with him living with us in mind. He's not ill, he's just financially ruined and providing a home is the best gift I can give him for all he's done for me. He still continues to job hunt, and we have not told him our idea... we will see where he is when we reach that point.

You know, there are MANY cultures that embrace multi-generational living, matter of fact, it's expected! But it seems that here, in the States specifically, we are taught to move away, keep the distance, and stick them in a home when they can't care for themselves. I respect those that choose that route, but my parents are too dear to me for me to do that. They have given me LIFE and a great upbringing - I don't think that route is best for me or my DH and our parents.

DH and I haven't even been married 2 years yet. It will be another couple of years before we even move and buy... neither of us feel his living with us to be determental to our marriage. Instead, he will become a part of "us" and our family. My children will be raised with him around. I have a dear friend that had her elderly grandparents living with her family growing up, and it was a wonderful situation.

I am hesistant to question motives of the MIL. Sure, she's probably a bit selfish in her thinking, but if they are going to make a major move, why not move for the end? Meaning, why move someplace, just to have to move again if one or the other needs care? They must be assuming that they would be taken care of by your SIL and not placed in a home... She, perhaps rightfully so, is also considering the time spent with your Granddaughter that you will be getting and she won't. Grandchildren are a hot commodity, and if thats her only one, I can see where she wants to be in on the action as well!

I know its not your decision... but I think it can be done, and be done well, in which each family unit is happy. I would consider building three seperate buildings, so there is a breaking point between each unit. That might help eliviate some stress. It would also depend on what you will all be sharing... will you do seperate kitchens and living areas? Or try to share those things? Kitchens, I think, are the hardest to share... if they're willing to build this thing, I'd suggest seperate small living areas and eating areas, and then share a common area when you want together time. That way, you can preserve some of the individual unit as well when needed or wanted. And your DD and her husband can still have functions at the home without y'all attending if they need to...

Just trying to offer another view... remember that multi-generational living doesn't have to be evil just because IL's are involved =) It DOES work in lots of other cultures, and is a good thing. Just tell them to take their time and not rush into the decision... And I'm glad they're discussing it with your DD's doctors (I did read through a thread about that before...). Her current health is VERY important.

Good luck to you and your family... I will look forward to hearing how things progress. =)

 

[Toby'sFriend]

I've been watching this thread all day just kind of I was going to keep my mouth shut, but I just haven't been able to.

C.Ann - this is what you said about these people last week

Phone rings and it's my DD with my Mother's Day "surprise".. .....

The final straw was when she told me that her in-laws are coming up on Sunday so we can "all be together.." I don't WANT to be "together" with them! The woman drives me bonkers!!!!!

ok. I think you get the point. But you didn't want to spend one day with them....but now you are considering a group living arrangment? Do you need that stress? Does you Daughter and her Husband need that stress?

 

[christinou]

I just have to add my experience, we grew up with my grandparents living in an-law appartment in our house, they had everything living room, bedroom, bathroom and kitchen.
As a child it was wonderful, I loved my grandparents and could see them anytime I wanted, they invited us for dinner, and my parents had a break, and of course, they were always there to take care of us. there was always someone in the house.....
All of that to say that your grandaughter will be a very lucky little girl to have so many people caring for her......
You do need some rules, we would never go in my grandparents appartment without knocking, we all had our own life, and only shared meals when we invited each other, as you would do when you leave accross town. So it can work...
Good luck with your decision.

 

[C.Ann]

Originally posted by BrerMom
So many Americans want their space. I wonder if we'd get the same responses from other cultures, especially the ones where it is the norm for several generations to live together. We have a Chinese family on our street that appears to have two sets of grandparents and two sets of families (siblings as parents, I think) with mom/dad/kids. They seem to be the happiest house around. There's always somebody different walking the kids home from school, but there's always an adult present.

We have a room in our house ready for either set of parents to move in if they want. An in-law apartment sounds like heaven to me. I would rather have them here with me in case they need me instead of across town or in a different state for me to worry about.

It could work, and work well, if appropriate boundaries are agreed upon. I would want a central common area for everybody plus an area for each family to use as a retreat. Is each family responsible for their own laundry? Is each family responsible for fixing their own meals or is the responsibility rotated for serving everyone? Things to think about...

If FIL has enough money to build a dream house, it stands to reason that he would have more than enough to hire a visiting nurse, if needed.

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You know, I also have to agree with much of what you said as well.. In other countries and cultures, living arrangements of this nature are very common, seems to work out well, and the children (grandchildren) seem to benefit the most by it.. As with any situation, it's what you make of it - and if you ENTER into it with a negative attitude, then a negative result is what will follow.. Actually that's something that my son-in-law said to me when I was waffling about my DH and I moving in with them.. Considering the way he was raised - and the fact that he had grandparents living within his home while growing up - he considers this the most normal thing in the world.. Granted, it's rare to find many men like that today, but that's just one of the things that makes him so very unique in this thinking..

As for the living arrangements - I think I need to clarify a bit.. When DD & her DH were looking to buy an existing home, if they were unable to find one with an in-law apt. (or the space to build one on ground-floor level due to my DH's medical condition) then the two of us would be living in a "common area" with them.. They would turn the living room into my DH's room - use a family room as their "living room" - and I would have a bedroom (or two - depending on the size of the house) upstairs - as well as a large craft room built specifically for my use in the basement..

But - if they go with the building a house scenario, then his parents - and my DH & I - will each have our own full-size apartments (living room, bathroom, 1 or 2 bedrooms, laundry area, kitchen, dining area, full basement and garage) so it will be like living in 3 separate houses but they'll all be attached.. That totally eliminates kitchen hassles, laundry hassles, storage hassles, etc.. Each family would basically be living their own lives - yet we would all be in the same structure.. Also, the IL's would not be footing the ENTIRE bill for this and have already indicated that the house and property would be strictly in DD & DH's name alone..

So - with certain boundaries set it "could" work - but again, it's a decision that only DD and her DH can make..

 

[pirateofthecarolinas]

My ILs own a lot of land. Everyone in my husband's family lives on "the family compound." My husband decided that it was in our own best interest to not build a home on this land. It was the BEST decision he ever made. Everything we have, we have earned ourselves.

If your daughter lets her ILs furnish the land and help pay for the house will there be strings attached?

If MIL and DD disagree on decorating, landscaping etc., who gets the final say? If MIL gets on her nerves now it will only get worse.

I say DON'T DO IT!

Lori

 

[C.Ann]

Originally posted by Toby'sFriend
I've been watching this thread all day just kind of I was going to keep my mouth shut, but I just haven't been able to.

C.Ann - this is what you said about these people last week



ok. I think you get the point. But you didn't want to spend one day with them....but now you are considering a group living arrangment? Do you need that stress? Does you Daughter and her Husband need that stress?

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But I won't be living "with" them.. Each of us will be in our own separate apartment.. If it were a case of all of us living in the same "common" house (having to eat together; watch t.v. together; take turns using the bathroom; etc.) then no - I couldn't and wouldn't do it.. Not because I "hate" the woman - but because our personalities are just miles and miles apart and she's not someone that I would choose to "hang out" with as my best buddy.. Presumably one of the conditions would be that people aren't going to waltz in and out of others private residences whenever they so choose - just as she doesn't come waltzing into my current home now.. Do you see what I'm saying here? Actually if my DH & I were to live IN with my DD & her DH (not in a separate apt.) I would have FAR MORE interaction with the MIL that way..

As for the stress for my DD and her DH - I think only they can be the judge of what they do or don't consider too stressful and I'm sure they'll take that into account when making their final decision..

 

[C.Ann]

Originally posted by pirateofthecarolinas
If your daughter lets her ILs furnish the land and help pay for the house will their be strings attached?

If MIL and DD disagree on decorating, landscaping etc., who gets the final say? Lori

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I don't know what the answers are to those questions - but it's certainly questions that need to be answered before a final decision is made..

Believe me - if my DD thinks this over for a few days and decides that she can NOT live with her MIL that close, she WILL say no and that will be the end of it.. There is NO way that this is a choice she's going to make lightly - no matter HOW much money or pre-inheritance they dangle in front of her.. LOL

 

[Hillbeans]

Hypothetically speaking, what happens if someone needs or wants to move away?

Do you then rent out that part of the house??

I just have to think that even though you're not living with this person, she'll get on your nerves. My DH and I with our son moved from a house to a 3 BD townhome for a number of reasons, most for our work commute and for his school. I'm not even family with our neighbors, but let me tell you, I sometimes feel a sheer lack of privacy. They know when you go out, when you get in, when you're outside - and they're just neighbors. Do you want your Daughters MIL asking you "Where did you go" 24/7???? We're building a deck and our neighbors are always wandering in and out of our space anytime we're outside. Don't get me wrong, they're very nice, but sometimes you just want your own space. You won't have any.

Just my .02 cents.