The only weird thing about the day I can see is laser tag in the snow. That sounds awful!
Daughter of two divorces.
Only time mom and dad were ever in the same space voluntarily post-divorce was for visitation dropoffs and pickups, and one AWFUL conversation about child support vs college fund when I was 14.
When stepdad left, he disappeared entirely. Never saw sign of him again except last year when I googled him.
I truly cannot imagine how AWESOME it would have been for my parents to have had a relationship that could have survived, without bloodshed, them being in the same room at the same time.
The ONE time my dad came to a school play, he made sure it was on a night my mom was not there. In a HS cafeteria, he couldn't be in the same room with her.
By the way, they divorced when I was 4.
And unless she had also planned an adult party at the same time, why didn't you just drop your child off and leave? That was probably what was adding to her stress all the extra adults walking around, I know it would have me.
For every person who wants the other adults to leave because s/he's got it covered, there's a parent who wants the adults to stay b/c s/he can't watch them all. Can't win!
The OP picked up on tension, but that easily could be because she is aware of their situation.
Maybe she didn't
have to have a couple of drinks. She might have just wanted them.
Lots of other people do, whether they are in the middle of a divorce or not.
Agreed and agreed!
The one big party we've had for DS *would* have had alcohol, but we had it at a state park and it wasn't allowed. All the birthday parties and celebrations that were for more than just the kid's friends that I experienced growing up had beer and wine. And the parties that a friend of mine had for her first son, whenI was still visiting her family regularly, had LOTS of beer, and the parties were spread through the whole house, in the front driveway, and in their huge back yard.
So it's not even odd to me that various adults were in various places. That's a great way to keep an eye on everything, actually!
They are NOT a family anymore! And to keep up the idea of them being a family is putting false hope in the kids.
I disagree from my experience.
I was such a pathetic little girl that it took from 4 (and my ONLY memories of my dad living with us involve him making me cry and punching my mother...ONLY those memories) until that support vs college fund conversation 10 or 11 years later for me to FINALLY realize that they weren't going to get back together.
My dad remarried when I was 7 or so (and dated a lot in between), to a woman that I loved and liked dearly.
My mom remarried when I was 9 or 10 (she dated as well, but not as obviously...didn't keep moving in with casual boyfriends like my dad did with his girlfriends), and at the time I really liked my stepdad.
I accepted them from the beginning and really liked them.
And when I realized that for mom and dad to remarry meant they'd leave my steps, I came up with a universe where they would fall madly in love with each other, and in that way make everything all neatly and nicely tied in a bow.
My mom and dad didn't take a civil moment to be in rooms with each other (though honestly I think it was my stepdad's male gorilla attitude that caused the screaming scary fight between mom and dad, during the support vs college fund conversation...) my whole life, really. And still I held on to that fantasy for a decade or more.
Keeping it like they are a family is what draws out the children's wishes for their parents to reunite. They need to understand that they are not one family unit anymore. While their mother will always be their mother & their father will always be their father, the group of them, together, are not a family.
That's the illusion that makes it so difficult for children to accept new step-parents. It makes them feel like the step is intruding in their family & keeping the parents from getting back together.
Instead of the one family they originally were, the kids get to have 2 families...one with each parent.
I disagree entirely, from my experience, until your last sentence.
And yes, it's awesome to have two families. For many of us,it would be even awesomer to have those two families come together, instead of having to leave one parent or the other on every holiday and celebration....
I think all this proves is that YOU should not be in the same room with any of your ex's, and it's probably best for your kids if you're not.
I agree. Just like my mom and dad. Especially if one of my stepdads (even her third husband, a generally kind man, gets angry when he thinks of my dad's behavior almost 40 years ago) was going to be there. Recipe for disaster.
You need to reread the the OP b/c she states that it was uncomfortable for everyone that was there.
If each being in a separate room in the house & staying as far away from each other as possible with alcohol to keep them sane, then yes...by all means, they certainly put aside their differences & came together as a family.
I did re-read it, and the OP is the one who felt the tension. And that doesn't mean the tension existed or that anyone else felt it.
You also don't know, and neither does the OP, if they were in separate rooms for that reason, or just because they opted to divide and conquer, and keep the madness of laser tag in the snow under control.
Nor do we know why the mom had a drink.
edited to add: I think it's nice and frankly mature of the adults involved to at least TRY and do this for the child's sake. Who knows, maybe next year they will decide NOT to do it this way- but they all tried and it sounds like everyone behaved. I hope the Birthday Boy had a great day.
Agreed.
Really? I need counseling? Please if you knew the entire story you would say that my dh's ex is the one that needs it. How would you take it if your dh's ex tried to get your son arrested several times then called dhs on you. Then tell your skids that you are nothing to them then turn around and tell you that you will take all your money and then take your dh away. Along with telling you how ugly you are. All the while refusing to get to know the new person in your kids lives. Along with stalking and harassment and I have the papers to prove that. Plus take you to court saying she has pics of you doing certain things in front of the kids then while in court can't produce said pics. Then try to say that she won and she will get even more money. Oh and lets not forget the time she tried to convenience her youngest 3 at the time that his dad was messing with him and had him in counseling plus he was so messed up he was physically sick. then only reason it stopped was b/c the counselor sat her down and told her he would not go along with a lie. Oh and she also told the counselor that dh their dad wanted nothing to do with his kids which is why he is not there to talk to him. Dh has the ins. on them so he got in touch with the counselor and he explained that she told him that the counselor said he wasn't allowed to be there. plus she told the kids that the counselor got the judge to sign off on an order saying that they were not allowed to see their dad but she was letting him see them out of the goodness of her heart. All this time I said nothing and let dh handle the whole thing. Now this is only the tip of the ice burg.
How would I take it? How would I handle it?
I'd be in counseling from the very beginning. Well actually I would have had zero interest in being in that situation, and wouldn't have dated a man in such a situation more than once. But if I did, I would be in counseling, so that I knew the best to deal with it all.
That's a lot of nutty behavior, and I would need someone to help me through it all.
You cannot control the behavior of the mother of your stepkids, so you can't get her into counseling.
But if I had fallen into a stepmom situation (and I actively avoided it), I would be in counseling, even if it were a good situation.
I see a relative that finds this kind of maturity "weird" and then posts that she just went to the "weirdest" birthday party ever, per her thread title. She is posting her judgment of the situation.
Or, if she was having a drink due to stress, it could have just as easily have been to get through the birthday party with judgmental and gossipy relatives that thought their handling of the party "weird" and making assumptions of why they were having a drink and what was actually going on.
I agreed with your entire post, and especially by the above bits...
Am I the only one bothered by the word "skids"?
I try to read it as though there were an apostrophe. S'kids. Because step is a weird word to type sometimes. I called my bridesmaids b'maids (b/c it's better than typing it all out, or using "BM"). So I can see s'kids.
I cannot and will not read it as "skids".
That is a VERY derogatory term, VERY IMHO. They both call me their daughter, and asked years ago if that was OK. THey also treat my kids are their blood grandchildren. I am very thankful and they are blessed for that. They make jokes at the never ending birthdays or XMAS celebrations!
