Weird Relationship Question

[disneyofcourse]

What?!!? Ask that man for gas money if your lugging his butt around. Back in the day when my boyfriend of the time got his first car I always offered him $20 here and there for gas because I didn't have a car and he took me to school every morning saving me a two mile walk. It's just common courtesy..

Now if he keeps demanding that you must pick him up. DROP HIM and be happy you don't have an extra bill and spend the time doing something you like. Such as finding a new boyfriend.

 

[Frantasmic]

Noooo! Keep doing what you are doing. REAL men want a woman who will drive the car, wash the car, gas up the car. Additionally, be prepared in the future to

get his beer
mow the lawn
do his laundry
take care of the house, cook, make his lunch, wash and bathe babies, all the while never gaining an ounce of weight and being ready, willing, and able to meet his "needs" whenever he wants
respect him by doing whatever he wants
take out the garbage
do your own hair while he gets his cut and styled
vacation where he wants to
be given an "allowance" while he is free to spend whatever he wants

This is your future. Does it look appealing? Is it worth the "fun times" you have with him?

 

[goofyernmost]

WEIRD RELATIONSHIP QUESTION...

Just got to thinking...was the question about a weird relationship or a weird question. Could be either in this case, I think.

 

[LuvOrlando]

When I read you post all I could think of was, "Ewww, he wants to be taken care of". Most normal guys want to be independent so their first car is a huge priority, actually cars in general are a big deal to guys because it gets them where they want when they want. A 20 year old man who is perfectly ok with waiting on other's to get him around 'just because' seems like a bag of neediness to me.

The whole idea that he won't even offer to pay his way is another issue entirely. He's a mooch, which is probably why his own parents refuse to take care of him. Mooches are users.

Now, before cutting ties you could just tell him you are not comfortable with the transportation being so one-sided. If he wants to continue to see you fine but he has to stop asking you to drive him to work and get him around because that's just not what you want. Pay attention to what happens in during this conversation, if he refuses to hear you and manipulates you back into being his taxi run as soon as you get a chance because he's a self centered jerk. If he gets all mushy and weepy again run as fast as you can because he's a mess. If he gives you a straight answer and you are ok with it like "I'm saving for... college, to move out, to buy my car with cash" then it seems reasonable. A 20 year old man should be adult enough to 'get' that what he is up to is just 'off' and be able to either explain himself or take a bus.

I don't know what to say about your family being ok with this, do you have a bad history with guys or is this guy so dazzling that they think he's worth the trouble? I'd ask them to explain themselves.

 

[jmpurdy]

OP, you have received GREAT advice here. No one can magically make you realize that this relationship is going nowhere unless HE changes. That has to be your decision. And he will NOT change unless he is forced to. He's got it made and will make you feel bad until he gets what he wants. Save yourself months and years of misery and leave now while you have no responsibilities with him (children, co-owners of something or sharing names on a rental property, all of which will tie you to him for much longer). Get out now. You deserve better and do not listen to anyone who tells you differently.

 

[wendy46001]

There's a reason his parents have refused to take him anymore or let him use their car. Think about it.

^this

the bus only come on the hour….what he thinks he’s too good to wait??

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

You are being used. Time to find a person who treats you better.

Dump his sorry ***! Can't believe that he begs rides from you, gets angry when you don't give them and then refuses to give you any sort of money for gas. Run as fast as you can in the other direction. This guy is a user!!!

 

[PaulaSue]

Sorry but I would dump him! He is using you

 

[bookgirl]

Now if it was reversed and it was the girl getting rides and being taken to the beach by her boyfriend, I wonder how many people would advice them to break up.

Honest question.

If she were using the same tactics (getting mad if he had plans, calling at last minute, refusing to help pay for gas, only calling when he needed a ride, etc) I'd totally tell the guy to dump her.

Honest answer.

 

[DMass]

You say he has money for a car and won't buy one? He's a user. He sounds like a spoiled child who whines and cries when he doesn't get way.

Get out!

 

[bumbershoot]

get his beer
mow the lawn
do his laundry
take care of the house, cook, make his lunch, wash and bathe babies, all the while never gaining an ounce of weight and being ready, willing, and able to meet his "needs" whenever he wants
respect him by doing whatever he wants
take out the garbage
do your own hair while he gets his cut and styled
vacation where he wants to
be given an "allowance" while he is free to spend whatever he wants

This is your future. Does it look appealing? Is it worth the "fun times" you have with him?

Teehee, reminded me of The Outlaws old song "Put Another Log On The Fire"...

Now if it was reversed and it was the girl getting rides and being taken to the beach by her boyfriend, I wonder how many people would advice them to break up.

Honest question.

A multi-faceted question/answer.

Most guys I've ever known LOVE driving. They love their cars (I can only think of one exception, who happily bought a junky minivan at 25 b/c it could haul his DJ/band gear), they love driving, they love driving their dates or girlfriend places. So most guys that I've known aren't willingly NOT driving. The only guy I've known who didn't have a car despite having the money, it turned out, couldn't have a car b/c of DUIs...he accepted rides from all sorts of people b/c he had almost no other choice. (and for awhile I thought that his asking me for rides meant that I was special...but I wasn't, I was just an extension of my car to him)

And as others have said, this isn't about her driving all the time. Most women I know, if driven ALL the time by boyfriends, will offer to chip in for gas. This guy hasn't, and has actually refused to do so after finding out the cost.

He doesn't appreciate it (if you get angry when the answer is "no", then you don't really appreciate it when the answer is "yes"), he expects FAR too much from a girlfriend. Sure, DH drove me to work...we were engaged and living together, and I was working at an hour WAY too early for my system to be safe while driving (my body doesn't do well with rising early)...he drove me to my work, we parked the car, he caught the bus to Seattle. But we shared the cost and he was going there anyway. Very different from the OP's relationship with this guy.

 

[luvdzny]

A 20 year old guy living at home (not too terrible...as long as he's working to build a nest egg so he can move out).

A 20 year old guy with a job who does not have a car to get to work (again, not terrible if there are public transit options for him to use regularly).

A 20 year old guy with a job, living with his parents, who has the money to buy a car but doesn't do it and uses his girlfriend as his personal chauffeur, balks at giving her any money for gas, and then gets mad if she's otherwise engaged and can't drop what she's doing on a moment's notice to take him to work, home, the beach, and anywhere else he has to go (not good).

I think you're too young to be caught up in a relationship with an immature guy like this. I don't think your family is right in making you think that you have some obligation to him. It's nice to help out your BF once in a while, but if he's using you as a personal driver, and refuses to help pay the costs, and then gets angry when you're busy, then it might be time to move on and look for a more mature date.

I couldn't have said it better myself! He does sound like he has some growing up to do. My DD is 21 and her fiance is 20 so I know a little bit about young adults your age. If DD's fiance had been like that when they started dating I don't think it would have lasted long. It doesn't sound like you are crazy in love with him so while it may be hard at first to break up, I am sure you can find someone that will treat you better.

 

[DMass]

Most guys I've ever known LOVE driving. They love their cars (I can only think of one exception, who happily bought a junky minivan at 25 b/c it could haul his DJ/band gear), they love driving, they love driving their dates or girlfriend places. So most guys that I've known aren't willingly NOT driving. The only guy I've known who didn't have a car despite having the money, it turned out, couldn't have a car b/c of DUIs...he accepted rides from all sorts of people b/c he had almost no other choice. (and for awhile I thought that his asking me for rides meant that I was special...but I wasn't, I was just an extension of my car to him)

I couldn't wait to get my first car. It was a piece of crap 1972 Capri whose front end shook when you stepped on the brakes but it got me where I wanted to go.
I didn't want to rely on someone to take me places. Especially not the girl I was going out with.

 

[tonilea]

This may be the only thread on the DIS where all the posters agree.... that should mean something!

Do you have an update for us?

 

[kirstenb1]

This may be the only thread on the DIS where all the posters agree.... that should mean something!

Do you have an update for us?

You beat me to it!!! This thread belongs in the DIS hall of fame---we are never unanimous on anything!!! OP, kick him to the curb--with a bus schedule, of course!!

 

[soccerchick]

Update PLEASE!!

 

[jfoofj]

OP- Is he doing anything to further his career? I am not saying there is anything wrong at all with being a cashier, I was one for years. I also got promoted to a front end manager, and this was while I was going to college to get a degree to have the career that I now have. And, while I did live at home rent free during this time, I paid for my own car, insurance, gas, tuition, you name it. I was also expected to help out around the house.

My point here is, if he working towards a better situation, great. Maybe he wants to save up a little more to get a more reliable car, great. Maybe he is saving up to get his own apartment, great. However, there should be some APPRECIATION for you for helping him out so much and some UNDERSTANDING when you can't. You are his girlfriend, not his chauffeur. What does he bring to the table? What are you getting out of this relationship? What has he done for you lately?

I would sit down with him and have a very frank "State of the Relatioship" talk with him.

 

[dislaney]

Sounds like you are nothing more than a ride. Make it a really short one. OP, I hope you have dumped him!

 

[bethy]

He sounds controlling and manipulative to me. I know he is nice to you when he is getting what he wants. But trust me - he is bad news. In a normal relationship there is give and take on both sides. From what you described, you are doing all the giving and he is doing all the taking. The biggest red flag is that he gets mad when you won't take his to work even if you have a valid reason for not being able to drive him. The fact that he was then able to manipulate you into driving him anyway is also quite concerning.

You are young. There are plenty of fish in the sea. Don't waste your time on someone who obviously does not respect you.

Yes this. Get out now while you still can fairly easily. Even if you talk to him and force him to get other transportion and or his own car there is still that fundamental willingness in him to treat his girlfriend this way. That won't disappear as the years go by. It could very well get worse and the issues will become more serious because life gets more serious. For your life partner you want someone who is programmed from the getgo to have a loving and considerate heart. Someone who can put himself in your shoes without you begging him to and make the right choices accordingly. Or even better, someone who puts you and others before himself.

The best marriages and relationships I've seen are where both partners put each other first above themselves and take care of each other. It's a two way street.

 

[wdwmom0f3]

I can't believe that your parents thought that you were being mean not to drop him off at work. If this was happening to my DD, I would give her a piece of my mind and tell her real quick that she needs to dump this loser.

Good luck, what ever you decide to do, but when you feel this way early in the relationship, I don't see lasting very long. Therefore I would not waste my time.