Wedding RSVPs not returned

[Chickinvic]

You've never planned a wedding have you? $3000 isn't alot of money if someone is planning a " $100+ a plate" wedding. Anyone planning that wouldn't sneeze at that money.

Um, no they wouldn't sneeze at that money. Why would you think that?

 

[Chickinvic]

I recently sent our regrets by RSVP to a wedding for a cousin my husband had never even met over 2,000 miles away.

In return, I got a fancy preprinted card that matched the wedding invitations reminding me that a wedding gift must be received by 12 months from the wedding day, but really should be sent as soon as possible if one is not attending the event (this was news to me).

At the bottom of the demand letter card was the couple’s PayPal and Venmo account numbers. How rude!

Well guess what, now I’m not even sending a wedding congratulations card.

That is incredibly rude - and I would laugh and throw it in the trash. I'be never sent a wedding gift for a wedding I didn't attend, nor would I appreciate being told to lol.

 

[Dakota731]

Got the mail today, deadline day, and surprise, surprise no RSVP cards. I will give people the benefit of the doubt and wait a few days thinking people maybe thought that was the postmark date before I start calls, but I’m not holding my breath. Nor do I believe that thirty cards are lost in the mail! And I’m pretty sure most of these people will be attending, so I just wish they would just email or text if mailing an envelope is too traumatic for them. After sharing this experience with friends I’m shocked to hear all their stories too. People who added extra guests to the RSVP cards, guests who wrote “maybe” on theirs not to mention the people who called the day of the ceremony saying their family of eight decided to come to the wedding after all. I really didn’t know that good manners and common sense were such a rare commodity in today’s society!

 

[kaytieeldr]

exactly. There is no point expecting Auntie Mary to RSVP by email or Facebook when she does not have a Smart phone or use a computer?

Why do you think Aunt Mary (no matter how old) doesn't have/use a computer or smartphone? But that's not the point. The host sent you a printed response card, preaddressed and stamped. It requires minimal effort on the part of the invitee to reply. Using the method provided.

And the same way , there is no point in sending a snail mail paper RSVP to someone who is never without their phone or laptop.

There is. While probably everyone I know has and used these devices, it's not actually my concern. The correct procedure is to respond in kind.

Honestly if someone sent me a snail mail paper RSVP, I would open it, and then think right need to post that back but then it would get lost and forgotten about and never sent.

That's not the responsibility of the host. Don't just think, "need to post back." Do it.

You've never planned a wedding have you? $3000 isn't alot of money if someone is planning a " $100+ a plate" wedding.

Average cost of a wedding in the United States is $29,858 https://www.valuepenguin.com/average-cost-of-wedding so $3,000 is 10% of the budget. To me, that's substantial.

its not that people are unable to figure out how to at least mail a letter, its that mailing a letter , any letter is not something that they do. The only time I mail ANYTHING is at Christmas

Ah. So people know how to use the postal service to communicate. They just choose not to.

 

[brooke789]

Another option to calling would be getting the room block lists at your hotels. You can cross reference to see who has a room but maybe hasn't sent in RSVP.

 

[kaytieeldr]

Got the mail today, deadline day, and surprise, surprise no RSVP cards. I will give people the benefit of the doubt and wait a few days thinking people maybe thought that was the postmark date before I start calls, but I’m not holding my breath.

Oh, to be able to have another set of cards to send to all the non-responders: "We're sorry you won't be able to join us at ____&____'s wedding. Keep in touch!" ; )

 

[KMarston]

Got the mail today, deadline day, and surprise, surprise no RSVP cards. I will give people the benefit of the doubt and wait a few days thinking people maybe thought that was the postmark date before I start calls, but I’m not holding my breath. Nor do I believe that thirty cards are lost in the mail! And I’m pretty sure most of these people will be attending, so I just wish they would just email or text if mailing an envelope is too traumatic for them. After sharing this experience with friends I’m shocked to hear all their stories too. People who added extra guests to the RSVP cards, guests who wrote “maybe” on theirs not to mention the people who called the day of the ceremony saying their family of eight decided to come to the wedding after all. I really didn’t know that good manners and common sense were such a rare commodity in today’s society!

We dealt with this for my daughters wedding. It’s was more than just the caterer. We needed a “rain plan” a week ahead of time, if we added a tent, we’d also have to add more tables, flowers, lighting, linens. If attendance was under a certain number the venue could handle the ceremony. Luckily we made the right call a week out. I added numbers to the responses I had received at the caterers suggestion and extra chairs. It turned out fine. All I can think is that people who don’t rsvp have never planned a wedding. I was honestly amazed at some of the people who didn’t respond.

I saw something on social media recently that showed an invitation that said, “if you can attend but were unable to rsvp, please bring a chair and a sandwich!

Hope the special day is perfect in every way!

 

[afan]

I recently sent our regrets by RSVP to a wedding for a cousin my husband had never even met over 2,000 miles away.

In return, I got a fancy preprinted card that matched the wedding invitations reminding me that a wedding gift must be received by 12 months from the wedding day, but really should be sent as soon as possible if one is not attending the event (this was news to me).

At the bottom of the demand letter card was the couple’s PayPal and Venmo account numbers. How rude!

Well guess what, now I’m not even sending a wedding congratulations card.

I had to quote and respond because I couldn't react with a wow, love and laughing all at once. I can't believe they actually sent that.

Sadly I think things just aren't taught. My mom taught me to write thank you notes, which I do when I should. When I was around 14 my stepdads sister was surprised I used please and thank you. I'm 40 it was still common to use them back then. I'll tell a little kid they're missing a word if they ask me for something so at least they know 1 person expects a please. Of course I did it to a guy at a bar once too when he asked me to move over a stool at 1the bar and then didn't move because I was sitting there to watch the hockey game on the tv and eat dinner. Maybe if he'd said please

I still send cards and write letters, but most are to my old 93 year old neighbor who wouldn't know what to do with a computer or a cell phone. I don't send as many christmas cards either because I don't get them in return because people just don't do them any more. Which is sad. Social media may keep us connected with technology but we're less connected than ever even with our own friends, common courtesy and good manners.

 

[barkley]

exactly. There is no point expecting Auntie Mary to RSVP by email or Facebook when she does not have a Smart phone or use a computer. And the same way , there is no point in sending a snail mail paper RSVP to someone who is never without their phone or laptop. Honestly if someone sent me a snail mail paper RSVP, I would open it, and then think right need to post that back but then it would get lost and forgotten about and never sent. But send me an email to an online RSVP and you will get a reply within the hour.

i get that people default to whatever form of communication they prefer, however- given that many if not most official governmental and legal documents in the better part of the world use 'snail mail' as their means of notification and proof of delivery i hope that it's not common for people to routinely lose and forget anything that doesn't come to them electronically.

my property tax assessments and bills-come snail mail (no response=tax lien/penalties)
my water rights/sewage licensing re-certifications come snail mail (no response=environmental violations/loss of water and sewage capabilities)
my irs notices-come snail mail,(no response-tax fraud???penalties/late fees)
my jury duty notification-snail mail, (no response-arrest warrant for failure to appear)
voter pamphlets/ballots, car registration, driver's licence renewal, selective service, medicare enrollment....................all sent via 'snail mail', none of which anyone with any common sense would allow to get lost and forgotten about let alone never reply to for fear of insurance cancellation, illegal driving status, federal law violations, lost health care coverage not to mention loss of making their voice heard in national and local elections).

just as easy to open and respond to one of those or the wedding invite and fill out the card as it is the slip of paper that accepts a new credit card offer. a type of mailer that entire threads on this board are devoted to coveting the receipt of.

priorities folks.

You've never planned a wedding have you? $3000 isn't alot of money if someone is planning a " $100+ a plate" wedding. Anyone planning that wouldn't sneeze at that money. They be more worried about guests arriving without food for them.

ummmmmmmmmmmmmm that's really the exact opposite attitude of individuals with REAL MONEY
as in cash in the bank, not spreading the cost from one credit card to another/spending someone elses misguided home equity loan/penalty pulled retirement funds, barely making the minimum payments at each installment b/c they are spending the cash gifts as they come in to keep from losing the venue attitude.

the weddings i worked in the last 80's were HUGE money-$100 a plate? that was the appetizers in the bridal suite. these were several hundred per plate plus minimum mandatory sell out hotel bookings of $300 per room (again-this is in the 1980's) with the number of rooms booked driving how much you paid for the venue (buy us out we comp it-don't then look at mid 5 figures before any food, decor or outside amenities).

these clients watched every penny. they worked for every penny, they valued every penny, they valued every staff member who was efficient and gave them their monies worth. the events were like well oiled machines. rsvp numbers were in ahead of time (their guests valued their own time and therefore respected others), $3000 was well over the entire monthly salary of the support staff that worked with/for these guests-and these guests as intelligent individuals were aware of that, respected it and made every effort to not waste money.

 

[SouthFayetteFan]

For what it's worth, I am totally against people just showing up at the wedding without responding. I remember at my friend's wedding this one time we had a couple of family friend's show up without RSVPing. It was totally rude but it was a pretty big wedding and luckily I guess the family had a couple of extra seats available for them. Then they proceeded to be loud and obnoxious. The one guy sat next to the dance floor making balloon animals and the other guy kept hitting on my friend's fiance! Later a bunch of the family and bridal party headed back to the lake house for the after party (yeah we have one of those too) and these guys tagged along. Said they were venture capitalists or something and had some time off. Hung out the whole weekend, it was all a bit odd to me.

Turns out the one guy ends up marrying my buddy's fiance's sister! Then the other dude shows up at the wedding unannounced...AGAIN! (seriously this guy had some issues) and he gave some speech about how we was in love with my buddy's fiance and she breaks up with him on the spot. I mean it's cool, my buddy initially was taking it hard and got really hungover but he managed to get over the whole thing and ended up being super successful, but still it was weird.

Ever since then, I've been pretty adamant that people should always RSVP if they're coming. Seriously, it's the right thing to do!

 

[LovesTimone]

Last year DH and I were invited to an old friends daughter's wedding... and it was quite a shindig... so we decided to go, as we had not seen this friend in a while, and their daughter baby sat our DD a few times... we returned the RSVP as well we responded on line that we were coming... they decided to include both, so that they were covered which is smart...

The church was just beautiful, is was a small church and it was almost full, once we we arrived at the reception venue, they had cocktails, and several small appetizer stations, along with passed hot hors d'oeuvres, all outside on a balcony overlooking a water garden it was just beautiful... DH noticed ( he's a numbers guy) that there seemed to be more guest at the cocktail hour than in the church... Once they called everyone inside they had a seating chart, and host or hostess to walk you to your seat, and gave you a small package with menu options, program of sorts, an advice card for marriage tips for you to fill in and leave in a basket, when we were in line to get out place card... DH leans over and quietly said in my ear... there are more guest than the seating chart has names for... and he was right, he figure out there were about 85 names on the place cards, and the room was set up for 100 guest... and there was way more that 100 people by this time... I guess the wedding venue manager figured it out during the cocktail hour there were too many guest, and they had to set up more table outside on the balcony on the other side of the venue for the other guest who had not RSVP...... luckily it was quite cool out... and they opened the doors to the balcony like it was planned...

When we met our friends the next day for lunch... they said they had planned for 85 paid for 100, there were 120 people so 35 people who did not respond, showed up and ate and drank at the reception but did not come for the ceremony ...she said that several guest comment that they RSVP'ed the day before or day of the wedding ( which my friends checked and it showed that a few had and they did it at the reception as the time on the email showed when they responded)... and were mif'ed that they had to be seated outside.... hummm..... there is a date when the RSVP's request's to be returned ... all of the guest who were seated outside, and at the extra spots inside, were all friends or co-workers of the Bride and Groom, all under 30 years old... and apparently it's not a great wedding unless someone pulls off's most to all of their clothing, and frolics around in the water garden and pools at 2:00 am... which apparently happened... and our friends were woken up by the manager and security, and ended up paying for a night for these drunken guest at a hotel off property, which apparently they use as overflow... the security guards drove them over in a golf cart... which to say that my friends were none to happy about....

It really all boils down to respect, and manners...

 

[shh]

LovesTimone - that is UNBELIEVABLE. What a bunch of low-class losers those people were. I'd like to believe it's not age related, as I think there are many in their '20s who wouldn't do that - I see it as a direct reflection of lousy parents and upbringing. Clearly, no one cared or was there to teach them how to act like a human being.

 

[crisi]

Its been interesting reading this thread. What struck is that maybe need to be aware that the senders main method of communication may not be the recipients main method of communication. Its like what I tell my marketing clients, you need to use the recipients main communication method.

This makes great sense if what you are doing is marketing your wedding. However, you are not marketing to customers who you want to buy your product. You are inviting friends and family to an event which requires knowing how many people you need to have chairs/cake/dinner for.

If a couple wants to provide alternative means (my favorite alternative means is a website - email and text is far too easily lost which becomes its own logistical nightmare), that's great. But if they don't provide anything but the RSVP card, that doesn't get rid of the responsibility of the guest to respond in the preferred manner.

My favorite is the people who tell the bride's sister in law or best man's wife or dentist (kidding on the last one) that they are coming and think that is a sufficient RSVP.

 

[crisi]

I recently sent our regrets by RSVP to a wedding for a cousin my husband had never even met over 2,000 miles away.

In return, I got a fancy preprinted card that matched the wedding invitations reminding me that a wedding gift must be received by 12 months from the wedding day, but really should be sent as soon as possible if one is not attending the event (this was news to me).

At the bottom of the demand letter card was the couple’s PayPal and Venmo account numbers. How rude!

Well guess what, now I’m not even sending a wedding congratulations card.

THAT is a gift grab. And I wouldn't send a wedding congratulations card either. Unless maybe I could have found a cheap set of truck nuts and enclosed that card with them - because it takes some of those to send that card out.

 

[DisneyKoyote]

I have yet to send back any of the RSVP cards...but in lieu of that I just text the bride/groom and let them know whether I'm coming or not- they said it was okay not to send it back and actually do not expect most people to mail it back. Maybe I chalk it up to laziness, but it doesn't make sense for me to spend time going to a post office and buying a bunch of stamps (while only using one).

 

[Chickinvic]

I have yet to send back any of the RSVP cards...but in lieu of that I just text the bride/groom and let them know whether I'm coming or not- they said it was okay not to send it back and actually do not expect most people to mail it back. Maybe I chalk it up to laziness, but it doesn't make sense for me to spend time going to a post office and buying a bunch of stamps (while only using one).

They usually include a pre-stamped envelope. No excuse for that level of laziness.

 

[Anthony1971]

Being there are some many different types if weddings and very different Customs in different parts of the U.S. it is hard to post and expect everyone to understand the issues.... I am from one of the areas where it is almost always a plated event in a hall with everything and it is very expensive per person so RSVP is common and has a high percentage of responses.... But as we did 18 years ago and all we see now there is always phone numbers included.... you still always get the day before can I still come and day of no shows and yes it is an expensive loss....you can not have food to go if it is paid for and not used.... I had a friend who moved to another part of the country where his now wife is from and the wedding was an outdoor event cash bar with a buffet but still some service of which is much less costly to have people not RSVP show up or not...just a completely different concept. However being he knew where we were all from he did pay our bar tab as the gifts are in general much larger and yes if one can not make it is customary to still send at least a hundred dollars and more if you are close. Not a judgment contest just how it is and accepted and no one expects different in some areas just as guests here would never expect a cash bar and they expect the event to be in a hall...

 

[Dakota731]

I have yet to send back any of the RSVP cards...but in lieu of that I just text the bride/groom and let them know whether I'm coming or not- they said it was okay not to send it back and actually do not expect most people to mail it back. Maybe I chalk it up to laziness, but it doesn't make sense for me to spend time going to a post office and buying a bunch of stamps (while only using one).

All wedding RSVP response cards are pre-addressed and pre-stamped so you don't have to buy a stamp.

Sometimes I think it comes down to lack of self-accountability - "I don't have to mail it back because I'd rather text". "It's not my fault that I didn't respond because I wasn't sure if I'd have other plans or not". I figure people have time to binge watch hours of shows on Netflix but they can't drop a card into a mailbox? It just baffles me.

 

[kymom99]

I have yet to send back any of the RSVP cards...but in lieu of that I just text the bride/groom and let them know whether I'm coming or not- they said it was okay not to send it back and actually do not expect most people to mail it back. Maybe I chalk it up to laziness, but it doesn't make sense for me to spend time going to a post office and buying a bunch of stamps (while only using one).

RSVP cards generally include a stamped addressed envelope

 

[crisi]

Being there are some many different types if weddings and very different Customs in different parts of the U.S. it is hard to post and expect everyone to understand the issues.... I am from one of the areas where it is almost always a plated event in a hall with everything and it is very expensive per person so RSVP is common and has a high percentage of responses.... But as we did 18 years ago and all we see now there is always phone numbers included.... you still always get the day before can I still come and day of no shows and yes it is an expensive loss....you can not have food to go if it is paid for and not used.... I had a friend who moved to another part of the country where his now wife is from and the wedding was an outdoor event cash bar with a buffet but still some service of which is much less costly to have people not RSVP show up or not...just a completely different concept. However being he knew where we were all from he did pay our bar tab as the gifts are in general much larger and yes if one can not make it is customary to still send at least a hundred dollars and more if you are close. Not a judgment contest just how it is and accepted and no one expects different in some areas just as guests here would never expect a cash bar and they expect the event to be in a hall...

Even with that sort of casual event, there is a need to know if the cake needs to feed 50 or 150. Its more similar to a graduation open house, where you have a lot more wiggle room with non-responders - you aren't worried about not having enough plated chicken breasts when you are hosting a huge quantity of sloppy joes and a sheet cake you can stretch it for an additional 10 or 20%. And with receptions like those, you often have a pretty good idea of who will and won't show. But its still important to RSVP any time someone is going to be feeding you if they ask for a response - food only stretches so far, even on a buffet......and no one wants to have leftovers for 50 people.

When we did our grad open houses for our kids, we didn't ask for a response. We bought enough food for the 50ish people we expected and if we ran out of food, we'd run out of food. Pizza can always be delivered. (We ran out of food - pizza was delivered, brownies were thrown into the oven). If that is what your hosts are expecting - no response, just show up if you can - then that is fine. If the hosts ask for an RSVP, you should give one as soon as you can.

Every Friday night we host game night at our house. The invite list is about twelve people. We usually have about eight including myself and my husband. We usually order pizza. But even for that, four people means one or two pizzas, Twelve people means at least four and more likely six pizzas. I still need to know. We used to have a problem with surprise tag alongs and lack of RSVPs. So one Friday it would be four people and the next Friday I'd have fourteen. The group had the riot act read to them.

Then there is the additional problem with food restrictions. Anyone planning a modern wedding probably needs to have a gluten free option, a vegetarian option, perhaps a dairy free option. Kosher gets the vegetarian meal. Chicken Cordon Bleu no longer can get served to everyone. Again, even with my small gaming group, pizza will include one gluten free and one vegetarian - if the vegetarian isn't coming, that means the cheese pizza doesn't need to be ordered. If the gluten free person isn't coming, I can serve pasta. Not only do you have to worry about feeding people who didn't RSVP if they just show up, you have to worry that one of the people who didn't RSVP and just showed up is your unpleasant Cousin Kat who you only invited because you had to - who not only is a gluten free vegan, but is going to spend the entire reception whining about how her needs weren't met and how inconsiderate you are.