Wedding Gifts - tacky?

[kelleigh1]

My husband and I will celebrate our 5th anniversary next week.

When we got married, my in-laws insisted that we give them a list of exactly how much money each guest gave us as a gift. I found this terribly tacky and insulting. According to FIL, they needed to make sure that the amount people gave equaled the amount IL's had given to that person's children when they got married.

Yesterday, I get an email from MIL telling me that a family cousin is getting married this summer and asking if I have "the list" so they know how much to give as a gift.

Has anyone else ever heard of such a thing? When this first came up 5 years ago, IL's tried to tell me this is the way things are done in their state, but I'm really hoping that's not the case. (They tried to tell me other things that we "had" to do at our reception were the way they were done in their state too, but other people that I talked to from the same state thought they were nuts.)

 

[sharbear]

Of course it's tacky. And just plain strange.

I would take the amount that the cousins gave and double it for them. But I'm mean that way.

 

[Kit'smommy]

I agree that is tacky and I would never share that info with my MIL.

 

[HM]

Good grief. I hope you can't 'find' that list.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I heard that goes on in crazy town. Seriously that is beyond weird.

 

[LisaNJ25]

I hope you burned that list..

You could tell them sure... that you got $1000 from them.

 

[MizTink]

Of course it's tacky. And just plain strange.

I would take the amount that the cousins gave and double it for them. But I'm mean that way.

i love it.....!!!

 

[RadioNate]

yes it is tacky.

Of course my dad ALWAYS asks the same thing about my Uncle and cousins. He likes to make sure he gives my cousin's the same amount that my Uncle gave me for weddings and new babies etc. He is just clueless about this kind of stuff.

He also likes to know what my mom gave (they are divorced.) If he asks my mom directly she always ups the number!

 

[1stluvispooh]

Of course it's tacky. And just plain strange.

I would take the amount that the cousins gave and double it for them. But I'm mean that way.

Sounds like something I would do!

Serously I would turn to DH and say "Your parents you handle it honey." If IL's ask you just say I don't know DH was in charge of that.

 

[rottiemom]

Actually...it seems to be a very Italian thing . I'm sure not each and every Italian but throughout my family & even friends that have married Italians have been taken aback by "the list". It's used to keep track of who gave what for weddings, christenings, graduations, etc. so that the gift can be returned in kind.

Seriously.

 

[freckles and boo]

I also hope you lost the list. My husband and I eloped to avoid wedding drama like this, but my mother-in-law had a reception for us after the fact anyway. We were only allowed to invite a very small group of our own friends. Most of the guests were her friends because, as she said "I bought their kids gifts and they will buy gifts for mine". Fortunately she never asked for a list of dollar amounts. I felt very, very guilty depositing checks from strangers (my husband did know most of them, but I knew practically nobody).

 

[AnastasiaTremaine]

In their state? I can't even imagine using the sentence "That's how it's done in our/this state" in a serious way. "Our family", sure, and let's just be honest - that's what it is!

That being said, I could have written this post. My MIL was the same way when we were married 5 years ago - but I didn't have to make a list. Instead, somehow the woman committed a running list of who gave what to us for our wedding and she still brings things up occasionally. It blows my mind to have that kind of almost 'tit-for-tat' mentality, where everything needs to stay perfectly equal, but she is incredibly cheap, so I suppose it goes with the territory. Now, my ILs are also quite wealthy -which you would never guess - and I wonder if the same hold true for your ILs? The hoarding millionaire next door.

Oh, and btw, DH & his family are all from Ireland & she didn't even try to use her homeland as her excuse! I just can't believe that they said that to you! Did you tell your DH? What did he say?

 

[NAB]

Actually...it seems to be a very Italian thing . I'm sure not each and every Italian but throughout my family & even friends that have married Italians have been taken aback by "the list". It's used to keep track of who gave what for weddings, christenings, graduations, etc. so that the gift can be returned in kind.

Seriously.

That was my first thought too when I read the post.

 

[kelleigh1]

I told her that if we even still have the list, it's buried in a box somewhere since we moved 2 years ago and the wedding stuff is something we really didn't need to unpack. So today she emails me and says "well when you get a chance, could you find it?" Um, no!

 

[okeydokey]

I'd just tell her I couldn't find the list. It really isn't any of her business anyway.

 

[blissventure]

If you've kept the list (and I can't image why) it's time to shred it and let MIL know you don't know where it is. (Gosh, Mom, I'll look, but that was 5 years ago....I'll let you know if I find it......) Privately...

It's beyond bizarre why anyone would admit to wanting a written score so they can compare how well "loved ones" and "friends" have done in the gift area.

 

[kelleigh1]

I also hope you lost the list. My husband and I eloped to avoid wedding drama like this, but my mother-in-law had a reception for us after the fact anyway. We were only allowed to invite a very small group of our own friends. Most of the guests were her friends because, as she said "I bought their kids gifts and they will buy gifts for mine". Fortunately she never asked for a list of dollar amounts. I felt very, very guilty depositing checks from strangers (my husband did know most of them, but I knew practically nobody).

We got married in Jamaica, with just the IL's in attendance...and had hoped to avoid the drama. But like you, IL's insisted in having a reception after we got back - and then we butted heads over that. It was more a party for them to show off for their friends and I was constantly being told that our guests would "expect" this or that. I suggested that the guests might need to lower their expectations. It got to the point where I stopped discussing it and left hubby to deal with them...and he almost told them to have fun at their party because we wouldn't be there. (But now I have my own laugh because MIL got drunk and passed out in the bathroom halfway through the reception...which I'm sure her guests weren't "expecting".) And like yours, 99% of the guests were either hubby's family or his parents friends. I had 6 people there on my guest list and that includes my parents.

 

[JessicaR]

Tacky yes. She would give the same monetary amount they gave? What about inflation?

 

[kelleigh1]

Oh, and I did tell hubby about yesterday's email and he agrees that we "lost" it and we're not looking for it. I haven't talked to him yet today, so he doesn't know about the request to look for it. I'm going to let him call her.

I work 2 jobs, so I'm too busy to look for it anyway...not that I ever intended to. I don't think we ever printed a list. I think I typed it and that was it, and since we've gotten a new computer since then, I'm pretty sure it doesn't exist.

(Hmm...maybe it is an Italian thing since hubby is half Italian - through his father.)

 

[agnes!]

If it's so important to *her*, she should've kept her own freakin' list.

Don't answer the e-mail.

Don't answer their questions.

Have your DH talk to them if they insist, I rrrrrrreally like the idea of telling them it was $$$$$ ....

agnes!