Wedding Gifts - tacky?

[robin09]

I'm even embarassed to write this out. My mom is famous for her lists. Since I am the black sheep of the family, I am no longer are in her favor... Haven't spoken to her in 10 years. She kept lists of her lists I believe. Always had to KNOW what was given. She used to call and ask me about gifts also... well I gave to 3 of her kids blah blah blah.. totally ridiculous... Isn't the point of giving supposed to be from the heart?

She even kept lists of who she sent Holiday cards to and who she received them from. If she sent cards out to someone and they didn't return cards for 2 years in a year, they were CROSSED OFF her list to send the following year.

Is there any doubt why I am so against cards? I'm so afraid of being crossed off! LOL

 

[Camicar]

If you are old enough to get married and old enough to be celebrating a 5th anniversary, then you are certainly old enough to tell parents/ILs the simple answer, "No."

 

[Stacerita]

I would say its tacky.

 

[ProudMomTo3Boys]

My sister did this, she kept a list and when a person got married, she gave the same amount that person gave them. I thought it was tacky also but that is how she is.

 

[wall*e2008]

Tell her you lost the list.

 

[Pigeon]

Very odd, and none of their business. I wouldn't have produced the list in the first place.

 

[Handbag Lady]

Oooh, for kicks, you can start a fight!


Tell them they sent you $20.

 

[kelleigh1]

Oooh, for kicks, you can start a fight!


Tell them they sent you $20.

LOL...they'd never believe that. Actually, this cousin (and her family) gave us the most, and given the current economy and hubby's unemployment, there is no way that we'd be able to give that much for the upcoming wedding...but we haven't been invited (and apparently won't be since it's going to be small) and other than MIL, we haven't even been told about the wedding - so I don't think they're expecting anything from us.

 

[BCV513]

My mom always writes down on the back of the card what the person gave. She only does it for big things like weddings, communions, baptisms, etc. It's for the thank-yous. We'd never mention a specific amount, but if someone gave a photo album, we mention that in the thank you. I have to say, I recently came across my parents' wedding cards. It was really interesting to see what people gave for wedding gifts in 1977. Talk about inflation!

 

[kacaju]

A list!! That is what I needed a few weeks ago.
Our 3 older nieces all graduated HS and we just went to the 2nd College graduation, with the 3rd coming up in 2 years.
I was going crazy trying to remember what I have given these girls for HS and the 1st college graduation to stay fair.
Now I know...if I kept a list, I'd know!!

 

[amid chaos]

My inlaws tried this once....asking how much we received from a guest....guess she didn't like my response because she never asked again. this was close to 30 years ago.

We opted to get married in a very small wedding in another state because we didn't want to get involved in the wedding drama which would have occured if we had gotten married in our home state. In laws were upset because now they couldn't invite all those people who 'owed' them. They solved the problem by throwing us a reception after the honeymoon...I felt like my MIL was showing me how it was supposed to be done. I was very embarrassed by the whole thing, because I didn't know anyone and it was obviously done for the money.

 

[K and K's Mommy]

Well, my dear, dear grandmother did this. I am the oldest grandchild, and I got called every year when one of my cousins graduated so she knew how much to give everyone. I never thought she was being tacky. I just thought she wanted to be fair to everyone.

She did it again after I got married first. By the time of her last wedding before her death she was physically and mentally unable to shop, so my mom bought exactly what she had gotten me for my brother's wedding. It is definitely what my grandma would have wanted.

I've never known my mom do to it so I guess the tradition has stopped. I will say I tend to buy in the same price range for my cousins, but I shop off registries because I like to give gifts.

I guess I am in the small minority that says to give your MIL a break. It is just her way, and she probably doesn't want to appear cheap.

 

[bgirldeb]

IMO it's one thing to write down a list of what you received so you can have it for yourself to help write out thank you cards, but for someone else to keep it or compare is just totally crazy to me!

 

[kelleigh1]

my inlaws tried this once....asking how much we received from a guest....guess she didn't like my response because she never asked again. This was close to 30 years ago.

We opted to get married in a very small wedding in another state because we didn't want to get involved in the wedding drama which would have occured if we had gotten married in our home state. In laws were upset because now they couldn't invite all those people who 'owed' them. They solved the problem by throwing us a reception after the honeymoon...i felt like my mil was showing me how it was supposed to be done. I was very embarrassed by the whole thing, because i didn't know anyone and it was obviously done for the money.

exactly!

 

[C.Ann]

My husband and I will celebrate our 5th anniversary next week.

When we got married, my in-laws insisted that we give them a list of exactly how much money each guest gave us as a gift. I found this terribly tacky and insulting. According to FIL, they needed to make sure that the amount people gave equaled the amount IL's had given to that person's children when they got married.

Yesterday, I get an email from MIL telling me that a family cousin is getting married this summer and asking if I have "the list" so they know how much to give as a gift.

Has anyone else ever heard of such a thing? When this first came up 5 years ago, IL's tried to tell me this is the way things are done in their state, but I'm really hoping that's not the case. (They tried to tell me other things that we "had" to do at our reception were the way they were done in their state too, but other people that I talked to from the same state thought they were nuts.)

---------------------------

Sadly - yes - I watched this happen to "someone".. And it wasn't about "equal" gifts - it was about, "So and so only gave you THAT much??"

Horrible, horrible behavior.. The "people" making the "demands" should have been ashamed of themselves - but of course, they weren't..

 

[gina2000]

Yeah, I know about "the list". I do know that it's used to set a minimum amount for a gift. I've never, ever seen it used as a comparison or a derogatory commentary about anyone who has given a gift. It's used to "payback" with an extra sweetener added.

It's like the concept of "paying for your plate". Many people on the DIS are horrified by the concept and contend that the bridezilla has expectations based on the cost of her wedding. In fact, I've never seen that or heard of it. That tradition exists in order to provide as much as a guest can for a loved one who is getting married.

Having said that, a 25 year old list is useless because of inflation. Based on my experiences, the list was kept by 1st and 2nd generation Italian-Americans trying to be fair and equitable when they give gifts. I don't do it and I would never expect to see it from future generations in my family.

 

[Disney Doll]

There is a very simple response to this request.

"No, even if I had the list, that is not information that I would be sharing".

 

[Lisa_M]

I have a list from my wedding. If it was my mother's wedding, the list would be in her guest book. Seriously, I have monetary amounts in my baby book. It's just how it's done here to be "fair." I don't use my list, in fact I'm not sure where it is, probably in that box with my wedding cards. I have a mental list though, so I pretty much know what is given and try to match it. My mom or dad will ask me how much was given.

My grandma oncce asked me how much my great aunt gave me when I graduate high school. LOL. I had no idea. There were 7 2nd cousins graduating HS that year, I told her give what you want/can afford and don't worry about it.

 

[Philagoofy]

My IL's asked us how much each person gave so they could give the same amount. I thought it was ridiculous and we didn't tell them. We didn't keep any types of lists. I don't think it's a state thing, just individuals.

 

[LisaZee]

Another vote for an Italian thing...

My mom has my lists from my shower and my wedding, and I know she got the same lists from my brother when he got married last year. She refers to them to make sure she gives enough. She'd be mortified if I had received a large sum from someone and she gave their kids a smaller amount. She's not trying to skimp on anyone.

Never thought it was weird, or crazy, or rude... Still don't...