Wedding Gifts - tacky?

[starann]

I havde heard of this before, as well. (I didn't do it though!) A good friend married a Portugese man and his parents asked for a list so they can give the same amount to others at their weddings, baptisms and so on. I have also heard of this in the italian culture as well (at least in NY!)

 

[Becky2005]

That's just weird!!! I have never heard of such a thing. I would never keep a list like that! I had siblings of my best friend attend type of thing & they only gave me about $5 or $10. I wasn't offended as the kids were probably barely 18 themselves and I thought it was a nice gesture they gave us anything at all.

No way would I have kept a list much less given it to another relative just so they could be nosy about it (I know they are saying so they know how much to give but geez! I consider it just being nosy!).

Aren't they adults & can figure it out for themselves how much they feel is appropriate for that person.

 

[mjkacmom]

Are they in the NYC metro area? My dad actually deposited all of our wedding money when we were on our honeymoon, and put the individual amounts in the cards for us to see. I'm sure they noted who gave what, to make sure they gave the same to my cousins (I was the first one to get married). If a family member gives us money for a gift (baptims, communions, birthdays), my mom asks me how much so she can make sure she gives at least that. It's just how it's done here.

Edited to add that I live in a very italian/irish area, most only 2nd or 3rd generation, and the point is not to be nosy, but to make sure you don't give them less. It's really a cultural thing.

 

[monkey68]

I've heard of this, but it's usually not shared with everybody. At my friend's bat mitzvah, they had a list of who gave what because they don't want to give somebody less than what they gave them. Generally, in my family at least, there's a standard "amount" that you give people for weddings and such, depending on how close you are with the person, so the list doesn't really have a point, since everyone gets the same amount. The money kinda just keeps circulating around.

 

[merekc]

I know of people who onlygive by the list.

On the flipside, my family does try to make sure they all give the same thing within the family. For example, if when we got married my aunts/uncles gave us $100. Then when my cousins get married, mom will give them $100. If mom is living in a cardboard box, she will make darn sure she gives them $100. It is not a competitive thing or a petty thing. It is an always trying to make sure everything is fair type thing. It is just the way my family has always done things. So I've got the call before to make sure that whatever gift we are giving is at least comparable to what we've done with other family members. I feel that it all goes back to intent.

 

[rottiemom]

Are they in the NYC metro area? My dad actually deposited all of our wedding money when we were on our honeymoon, and put the individual amounts in the cards for us to see. I'm sure they noted who gave what, to make sure they gave the same to my cousins (I was the first one to get married). If a family member gives us money for a gift (baptims, communions, birthdays), my mom asks me how much so she can make sure she gives at least that. It's just how it's done here.

Edited to add that I live in a very italian/irish area, most only 2nd or 3rd generation, and the point is not to be nosy, but to make sure you don't give them less. It's really a cultural thing.

You explained it better than I did . And my family (that's including paisans ) is all 1st generation Italian, it was only us kids that were born in America so we're very, very old country .

I've heard of this, but it's usually not shared with everybody. At my friend's bat mitzvah, they had a list of who gave what because they don't want to give somebody less than what they gave them. Generally, in my family at least, there's a standard "amount" that you give people for weddings and such, depending on how close you are with the person, so the list doesn't really have a point, since everyone gets the same amount. The money kinda just keeps circulating around.

This is EXACTLY what I always thought ! That same 25$ getting passed from birthday card to birthday card.

One other thing that this made me think of (since I am in the NYC metro area) is open bar weddings. I honestly didn't know that there was any other kind, until I attended a wedding for one of my husband's cousins in MA. Apparantly in their area a cash bar for a wedding is the only kind of bar. But as an Italian, from the NY area, a cash bar was unheard of. Did I think that it was tacky? Absolutely...but it in no way was, it was just different from what I was used to.

While I can definitely understand "the list" as being perceived as tacky I understand it's purpose because it's in no way foreign to me .

That said, your MIL really should have kept her own list 5 years ago & not have expected you to keep one (since it's her thing, not yours). I wholeheartedly agree with sticking to the whole "the list is lost" story & leave it at that.

 

[smartestnumber5]

Actually...it seems to be a very Italian thing . I'm sure not each and every Italian but throughout my family & even friends that have married Italians have been taken aback by "the list". It's used to keep track of who gave what for weddings, christenings, graduations, etc. so that the gift can be returned in kind.

Seriously.

Yep my Italian northeastern family also keeps track of who gave what. My mother has old list of what my brother and I got for graduation. I know with some of my relatives who are very well off and give hefty checks, my parents could never return their gifts in kind. So I'm not sure what the point of the list really is. I think it's to make sure that with regard to the vast majority of the family who gives more reasonable gifts, that your gift doesn't look cheap in comparison.

 

[sue1013]

This is done in my family also. As a pp said it's not to be nosy but to make sure they don't give less than was given to their children. I guess I never thought about it being tacky just the way things were done. Maybe I'm tacky but I do the same when my kids received graduation, wedding, etc. gifts.

 

[monkey68]

Are they in the NYC metro area? My dad actually deposited all of our wedding money when we were on our honeymoon, and put the individual amounts in the cards for us to see. I'm sure they noted who gave what, to make sure they gave the same to my cousins (I was the first one to get married). If a family member gives us money for a gift (baptims, communions, birthdays), my mom asks me how much so she can make sure she gives at least that. It's just how it's done here.

Edited to add that I live in a very italian/irish area, most only 2nd or 3rd generation, and the point is not to be nosy, but to make sure you don't give them less. It's really a cultural thing.

Hmm... maybe that's why I don't think it's strange either... I'm also in the NYC area. We do a lot of things here that other people think is strange, don't we?

 

[kelleigh1]

One of the reasons I thought of it as tacky is probably because of the way it was presented to me. It was never about it being an Italian way of doing things, but FIL seriously said "we need to make sure that the amount so-and-so gives you is the same as what we gave for their kid's wedding". I wanted to ask, so if you gave Joe's kid $500 and Joe only gave us $200, are you actually going to call Joe and say "where's my other $300?"

 

[blissventure]

One of the reasons I thought of it as tacky is probably because of the way it was presented to me. It was never about it being an Italian way of doing things, but FIL seriously said "we need to make sure that the amount so-and-so gives you is the same as what we gave for their kid's wedding". I wanted to ask, so if you gave Joe's kid $500 and Joe only gave us $200, are you actually going to call Joe and say "where's my other $300?"

Kelleigh, Do you think this will "tradition" will gradually disappear over time, or are there folks (not you, of course) of your generation in the family that will want to list compare and keep the tradition?

 

[kelleigh1]

Kelleigh, Do you think this will "tradition" will gradually disappear over time, or are there folks (not you, of course) of your generation in the family that will want to list compare and keep the tradition?

Well...we're kinda the only ones of our generation. We are the only members of the family who are in their 30's. Everyone else is either teens to 20's or 45 and up (mostly the "up" part of that).

Nobody else has ever mentioned the "tradition" to me and honestly, my husband was at a bit of a loss when he heard about it too, so it doesn't sound like a tradition that is getting carried on.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

I agree that is tacky and I would never share that info with my MIL.

ITA. Didn't read any further down because this is exactly my response.

 

[Darsa]

Wow, that one just boiled over the top of my tacky-meter! Not to mention downright RUDE

Some people, sheesh.

 

[HM]

Its been really interesting reading this.

Off hand, I don't remember getting money at my wedding (20 yrs ago). It's not really something that I recall being done. We didn't even register anywhere because we didn't really think we'd use china or crystal. When people asked, my mother suggested things that we might need or suggested pottery. It was fun seeing what people came up with, since we didn't know what to expect.

In my mind (and I think this was how I was brought up), giving money for birthdays, weddings and such means you didn't give much thought to the people you are celebrating. I always give gifts, except to my teen son's friends where cash is what they want.

 

[mjkacmom]

Its been really interesting reading this.

Off hand, I don't remember getting money at my wedding (20 yrs ago). It's not really something that I recall being done. We didn't even register anywhere because we didn't really think we'd use china or crystal. When people asked, my mother suggested things that we might need or suggested pottery. It was fun seeing what people came up with, since we didn't know what to expect.

In my mind, giving money for birthdays, weddings and such means you didn't give much thought to the people you are celebrating. I always give gifts, expect to my teen son's friends where cash is what they want.

Well, if you brought a gift to a wedding here, you'd probably be alone. We think it's very thoughtful to give cash!

 

[mjkacmom]

One of the reasons I thought of it as tacky is probably because of the way it was presented to me. It was never about it being an Italian way of doing things, but FIL seriously said "we need to make sure that the amount so-and-so gives you is the same as what we gave for their kid's wedding". I wanted to ask, so if you gave Joe's kid $500 and Joe only gave us $200, are you actually going to call Joe and say "where's my other $300?"

I do think it's tacky that she wants to make sure you got the same amount as she gave - that is unusual. The whole point of it is to make sure you give at least as much as was given to you or your family member (and if one family member is more well off than another family member, it's not an issue).

 

[Scurvy]

My first thought was that it was terribly tacky. On the other hand, I can understand it if someone is using the list to make sure they give at least as much as the other person gave. But if they are using it to make sure that they don't give more than the other person gave (which is what I assumed your MIL was doing) then it is tacky, tacky, tacky! Either way I definitely agree with the "lose the list" vote.

 

[FinallyBoughtDVC]

Of course it's tacky. And just plain strange.

I would take the amount that the cousins gave and double it for them. But I'm mean that way.

This made me LOL.

 

[JR6ooo4]

Apparently the "state" they are in is not one of the United States. More like a confused state! or worse...

can we start the worst gift stories?

A whole family of five came to our reception. And we got a 15 dollar check from them.

we were just glad they came. we laugh about the cash...

Mikeeee