$$$ Wedding gift - what dollar amount?

[NMAmy]

OK I'm beating a dead horse here so this is my last attempt.

NOBODY expects their guests to cover the cost of their meal.

This is something the guests choose to do on their own volition.

But if it is something that guests always do and is customary, I would think the bride & groom would expect it. I know I've seen posts on these boards before from brides complaining that guests didn't cover their meal which is what a lot of us remember when we see these threads. I'm also seeing posts on this thread from people saying they wouldn't go to a wedding if they couldn't cover the cost of their plate. That just seems sad to me since the guests don't get to choose the venue.

I realize it's just a regional difference and since it works for you all, great.

 

[juligrl]

Maybe I only know poor folk...........but here the average is $25 to $50! No wonder it costs more to live in the east!

Pittsburgh - $25-$50 depending on how much we can or want to give. Family a little more ($100) depending on how close - second cousin twice removed who we last saw ten years ago - not so much!

 

[MOMTOMOOTOO]

Another NJ girl here

Friends and not so close family $250-300

Closer relatives 350-500 depending

 

[Mickeyluver37]

Pittsburgh - $25-$50 depending on how much we can or want to give. Family a little more ($100) depending on how close - second cousin twice removed who we last saw ten years ago - not so much!

I don't think we always cover our plates, but we definitely look more at the extravagance of the event as far as how much to give, rather than the relationship. For instance, $2,000 wedding with cash bar at a firehall type place (pay for your own soda) and a dollar dance for my BIL got less than a co-workers wedding and full reception with open bar at a nice venue.

2nd cousin twice removed? I just chuck the invitation in the trash.

 

[Freyja]

Wow, this is really interesting. Soooo, because "bridezilla" decides to have an extravagant reception, all her friends and family should give huge amounts to "cover their plates"? And if she decides to have a small receptions with punch and cake they (the bride and groom) only "deserve" a $15 or less gift, since it probably wouldn´t cost more to "cover your plate".

There are no wedding here, that I've ever heard of, with punch and cake. What you consider extravagant is probably an average wedding here. And it's not about what the couple expects to receive, it's what a guest feels the need to do, because that's just how weddings are done here, for decades and decades. Plus, keep in mind that $250 does not equal $250 in other areas. Heck, the average home costs $500,000!

How extremely condecending (sp?)
How on earth can you assume that what I call an extravagant wedding is an average wedding where you live? Of course I have no way of knowing what an average wedding is like in your neck of the woods but I can tell you how mine was.

Le me start by saying that I do not think our wedding was extravagant, but it was fancy. The wedding itself was in our cathedral. We had a florist decorate each and every bench in the church, as well as the altar. We hired a choir (not the church choir) as well as various other musicians. I wore a $3000 dress (this was almost 12 years ago) Our dinner reception was held in a very fancy banquet hall and we had a 3 course meal with open bar for 160 people. We had flowers all over the place (mind you, we live on an Island very far up north so all flowers had to be imported). For the reception we hired musicians from the Icelandic Symphonic orchestra as well as a band for the dance. Most of our guests said that this was the fanciest reception they had ever been to, and many of our guests still tell me that to this date they have never been to a wedding like ours.

So, what is your average wedding like?

And for what it´s worth. The average home around here costs approx. $600, 000.

 

[ICF]

very glad I don't live out east, but if I ever do get married again I know where I'm headed for the big day (or at least the reception part).

I never have understood the 'covering the plate thing'....and if all guest know about said custom I'm pretty sure the bride and grooms do too. You choose the place to have it and IMO that shouldn't dictate how much I'm expected to spend on your gift. We give based on our relationship with the bride/groom, not what the afterparty cost.

As was said so well by someone on the 1st page...."give what you can afford" which I agree with 100%....the day is about so much more then the party afterwards.

 

[NYPDwife]

But if it is something that guests always do and is customary, I would think the bride & groom would expect it. I know I've seen posts on these boards before from brides complaining that guests didn't cover their meal which is what a lot of us remember when we see these threads. I'm also seeing posts on this thread from people saying they wouldn't go to a wedding if they couldn't cover the cost of their plate. That just seems sad to me since the guests don't get to choose the venue.

I realize it's just a regional difference and since it works for you all, great.

Again, I definitely didn't expect the $$. Believe it or not, I was very happy to see that pretty much everyone I invited came to my wedding. And if I expected to have the plates covered, I would have sent my cousin a bill.

HA! I could see someone opening a thank you card that reads:

Thank you for being a part of our special day. I have enclosed an invoice reflecting any unpaid charges:

$125 Dinner & Dancing x 2 = $250.00
$25 Bounced Check Fee

Total = $275.00

Please remit payment as soon as possible, I have a life to get on with here.

 

[ICF]

Freyja---

COMPLETLY off topic, but I am just curious as I was told this long ago (by a teacher I think) that Iceland is a very beautiful country, but was name "iceland" to keep people from wanting to locate there and Greenland (which would imply that it very nice) is just the opposite. Any truth to that, or was it simply an "old wives" tale?

 

[NEVERENOUGHWDW]

If the guests are in fact paying for the cost of their food shouldn't they also get some imput on how much that food costs a bride may choose the most exspensive thing on the menu and think "oh well at least I'm not paying for it".

Just ridiculous.

I think at this point it is clear people do different things in different parts of the country. What's the big deal?

This entire thread actually works itself out, I doubt very much that people such as yourself & I would ever be at the same wedding.

You would see me walking into a reception with a wrapped blender as I would see you with a $500 check tucked into a card.

Live & let live.

 

[NEVERENOUGHWDW]

I don't think we always cover our plates, but we definitely look more at the extravagance of the event as far as how much to give, rather than the relationship. For instance, $2,000 wedding with cash bar at a firehall type place (pay for your own soda) and a dollar dance for my BIL got less than a co-workers wedding and full reception with open bar at a nice venue.

2nd cousin twice removed? I just chuck the invitation in the trash.



If your invited to a wedding even if you don't go you need to send a note & a gift.

 

[Mom2Nick]

Wow, this is really interesting. Soooo, because "bridezilla" decides to have an extravagant reception, all her friends and family should give huge amounts to "cover their plates"? And if she decides to have a small receptions with punch and cake they (the bride and groom) only "deserve" a $15 or less gift, since it probably wouldn´t cost more to "cover your plate".

How extremely condecending (sp?)
How on earth can you assume that what I call an extravagant wedding is an average wedding where you live? Of course I have no way of knowing what an average wedding is like in your neck of the woods but I can tell you how mine was.

Le me start by saying that I do not think our wedding was extravagant, but it was fancy. The wedding itself was in our cathedral. We had a florist decorate each and every bench in the church, as well as the altar. We hired a choir (not the church choir) as well as various other musicians. I wore a $3000 dress (this was almost 12 years ago) Our dinner reception was held in a very fancy banquet hall and we had a 3 course meal with open bar for 160 people. We had flowers all over the place (mind you, we live on an Island very far up north so all flowers had to be imported). For the reception we hired musicians from the Icelandic Symphonic orchestra as well as a band for the dance. Most of our guests said that this was the fanciest reception they had ever been to, and many of our guests still tell me that to this date they have never been to a wedding like ours.

So, what is your average wedding like?

And for what it´s worth. The average home around here costs approx. $600, 000.

Average weddings in the NY/NJ area are similiar to yours including all the flowers in the church and at the reception place - the only difference appears that we typically have a 5 course sit down meal which comes after a stomach blowing extravaganza which is the full buffet style cocktail hour. The cocktail hour has MORE food then the actual meal - lol

Here's the list from my wedding 12 years ago of JUST the cocktail hour:

Butler Service Hour d'ouvres Passed on Silver trays
Miniature Beef Wellington
Shrimp wrapped in Puff Pastry
Skewered chicken filet w/ honey mustard sauce
Aparagus speares en croute
Salmon Fritters
Baby Lamb Chops
Scallops Wrapped in Bacon
Veal Sausage in Puff Pastry with Dijon sauce
Stuffed Mushrooms with Chiclen Liver Mousse

Cold Buffet
Bruschetta blah blah (I will leave off the flowery speech on this one we all know it's tomatoes on bread)
International Cheeses with French Bread
Assorted fresh cut fruit and berries
Seasonal raw vegetables with assorted dressings
Mozzarella with Tomato and Basil
Marinated WIld Mushrooms
Seafood Salad of Shrimp, Scallops, Calamari and Mussels
Smoked Salmon with Capers and Onions

Seafood bar
Bar of Shrimp and Oysters on a bed of crushed ice with cocktail sauce and lemon wedges


Hot Buffet
Paella with lobster claws, shrimp, clams and scallops in saffron rice
New Zealand Mussels Marinara
Tenderloin Tips with Crushed Black and Green Peppercorns
Baked Clams Oreganata
Boneless Chicken Filet with Champagne Mustard Sauce

Captain's Station
Seafood Newburg, shrimp and scallops in Lobster sauce
Sauteed Shrimp Scampi
Roasted Breast of Duck a l'orange
Fusilli and Ziti offereed with Afredo, Tomato and Basil and Pink Vodka Sauces

The above is a typical cocktail hour. My actual meal was:
Lobster Bisque
Caesar Salad
Penne Marinara
Main course either Chateaubriand with Perigourdine Sauce or Boneless Capon Breast with Herbed Stuffing
Pastry Sampling plate per each guest plus Wedding Cake.

We had a 6 hour reception with a full open bar.

At my ceremony which was held in a local 175 year old church we had a soloist singing plus an instrumental quartet. At my cocktail hour we had a different 4 piece instrumental quartet at the reception itself my father - who paid for the whole thing - wanted a swing band I protested at the froo frooness(new word here - lol) of it all and insisted on a DJ as I wanted some obnoxious music and DANCING and I hate how most wedding bands sing current music!

 

[Freyja]

Freyja---

COMPLETLY off topic, but I am just curious as I was told this long ago (by a teacher I think) that Iceland is a very beautiful country, but was name "iceland" to keep people from wanting to locate there and Greenland (which would imply that it very nice) is just the opposite. Any truth to that, or was it simply an "old wives" tale?

Somewhat true
Iceland was named Iceland because the first settler here had an extremely long, hard and difficult winter, with lots of ice and snow, and decided to move back to Norway.
Greenland was named Greenland in order to make it attractive for people to move there.

But yes, it is a beautiful country

 

[Cindy's Mom]

If you are invited to a birthday party, you expect to give a gift, right? That's because it's custom. The person isn't having a party for the gifts, they're having it to celebrate, but they do receive gifts, because it's the custom.

Here, if I'm going to a wedding, I expect to give about $250 (average, depending upon the closeness). It's not the bride trying to made money, it's just the custom of covering your plate. For some reason, it seems to anger people who don't even live here. Keep your punch and your mints, keep your customs, and we'll continue to keep ours, even with your disapproval!

This is frickin HILARIOUS!!!! I agree 100%

Also a couple pages back people were posting their Italian customs (bride with bag visting tables, gift box on table where you drop the envelopes in)...our custom is basically just handing the bride the envelope in the receiving line (kinda feels like a cover charge though)

In my circles too many of those gift boxes w/ the envelopes have come up missing

 

[NYPDwife]

Average weddings in the NY/NJ area are similiar to yours including all the flowers in the church and at the reception place - the only difference appears that we typically have a 5 course sit down meal which comes after a stomach blowing extravaganza which is the full buffet style cocktail hour. The cocktail hour has MORE food then the actual meal - lol

Here's the list from my wedding 12 years ago of JUST the cocktail hour:

Butler Service Hour d'ouvres Passed on Silver trays
Miniature Beef Wellington
Shrimp wrapped in Puff Pastry
Skewered chicken filet w/ honey mustard sauce
Aparagus speares en croute
Salmon Fritters
Baby Lamb Chops
Scallops Wrapped in Bacon
Veal Sausage in Puff Pastry with Dijon sauce
Stuffed Mushrooms with Chiclen Liver Mousse

Cold Buffet
Bruschetta blah blah (I will leave off the flowery speech on this one we all know it's tomatoes on bread)
International Cheeses with French Bread
Assorted fresh cut fruit and berries
Seasonal raw vegetables with assorted dressings
Mozzarella with Tomato and Basil
Marinated WIld Mushrooms
Seafood Salad of Shrimp, Scallops, Calamari and Mussels
Smoked Salmon with Capers and Onions

Seafood bar
Bar of Shrimp and Oysters on a bed of crushed ice with cocktail sauce and lemon wedges


Hot Buffet
Paella with lobster claws, shrimp, clams and scallops in saffron rice
New Zealand Mussels Marinara
Tenderloin Tips with Crushed Black and Green Peppercorns
Baked Clams Oreganata
Boneless Chicken Filet with Champagne Mustard Sauce

Captain's Station
Seafood Newburg, shrimp and scallops in Lobster sauce
Sauteed Shrimp Scampi
Roasted Breast of Duck a l'orange
Fusilli and Ziti offereed with Afredo, Tomato and Basil and Pink Vodka Sauces

The above is a typical cocktail hour. My actual meal was:
Lobster Bisque
Caesar Salad
Penne Marinara
Main course either Chateaubriand with Perigourdine Sauce or Boneless Capon Breast with Herbed Stuffing
Pastry Sampling plate per each guest plus Wedding Cake.

We had a 6 hour reception with a full open bar.

At my ceremony which was held in a local 175 year old church we had a soloist singing plus an instrumental quartet. At my cocktail hour we had a different 4 piece instrumental quartet at the reception itself my father - who paid for the whole thing - wanted a swing band I protested at the froo frooness(new word here - lol) of it all and insisted on a DJ as I wanted some obnoxious music and DANCING and I hate how most wedding bands sing current music!

Get married again so I can go and eat!! I can't believe your remember all that!!

I promise, if you invite me, I'll give you an envelope with more than enough to cover the plate !

 

[HelenePA]

If your invited to a wedding even if you don't go you need to send a note & a gift.

Really?? WOW what if you plain old can't afford it? Gosh I would hate to be in your circle of friends/family... When I invite people parties for celebrations I expect NOTHING. Nada. Zip. Not even a card...

 

[Mom2Nick]

Get married again so I can go and eat!! I can't believe your remember all that!!

I promise, if you invite me, I'll give you an envelope with more than enough to cover the plate !

Nah - my memory is not that good. I have the wedding folder here in my desk It has my mother's handwriting all over it and anything I can find that reminds me of her or has her handwritinig on it I keep in a file so I can pull it out when I am missing her......

 

[juligrl]

I hope if I'm ever invited to a wedding in NY or NJ the couple has the decency to just send me a ticket and charge me for going to the wedding since I would obviously offend them with my standard gift amount.

 

[C.Ann]

I hope if I'm ever invited to a wedding in NY or NJ the couple has the decency to just send me a ticket and charge me for going to the wedding since I would obviously offend them with my standard gift amount.

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I was kind of thinking along the same lines - with this whole "cover the plate" concept..

Why not just hit the guests with a cover charge at the door? Same thing..

DD had people attend her wedding who could afford nothing - zip - nada - and she would have been very, very upset if they stayed home because they didn't have the money to "cover their plate"..

 

[Par8hed]

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DD had people attend her wedding who could afford nothing - zip - nada - and she would have been very, very upset if they stayed home because they didn't have the money to "cover their plate"..

As would the people in NY/NJ.

But NOT ONE of you outside the area can grasp the concept (even though it's been explained many times) that the hosts , bride, groom , whoever, expect NOTHING.
It is the GUESTS in the area who take it upon themselves to give a nice gift.

If I were to attend a backyard wedding serving peanut butter sandwiches with a boom box playing casettes I would still give several hundred dollars.

It has nothing to do with the extravagance of the wedding. In this area, you give generous wedding gifts so that the couple can start out on the right foot (monetarily).

 

[C.Ann]

As would the people in NY/NJ.

But NOT ONE of you outside the area can grasp the concept (even though it's been explained many times) that the hosts , bride, groom , whoever, expect NOTHING.
It is the GUESTS in the area who take it upon themselves to give a nice gift.

If I were to attend a backyard wedding serving peanut butter sandwiches with a boom box playing casettes I would still give several hundred dollars.

It has nothing to do with the extravagance of the wedding. In this area, you give generous wedding gifts so that the couple can start out on the right foot (monetarily).

-----------------------------------------

I wish I could believe that (not speaking about you in particular), but if it were true, why do we see a thread like this pop up at least once a month where someone is basically asking, "What is the going rate for a wedding gift in XXXXX"?? And then people respond in such a manner that the OP feels if they do NOT give that amount they have no business attending the wedding??

As I said initially - whatever you can afford - regardless of where the wedding is - or what the "going rate" is..