Wedding Gift for Niece?

[mi*vida*loca]

Second, context - we are on a Disney trip planning board, after all. Those averages include people who do not have the kinds of budgets that allow for elaborate vacations. So the survey sample here is very likely skewed to the higher end of the responses there.

I think this is it right here. The answers on this board will always be above and beyond the average American. Most Americans can’t afford to go on multiple Disney trips a year so their incomes and disposable money are much different. Even for those of us in the northeast.

I wonder what the average cash gift is for a wedding.

 

[HopperFan]

It’s not complicated, at all, different regions/cultures have different expectations/traditions. I live in the northeast, have for 50+ years, I’m extremely comfortable writing a check for a wedding, shower, birthday, graduation, communion, bar mitzvah held here. If I was attending an event outside of my area, I’d ask for advice on gifts, what to wear, etc., just like the OP did. No big deal.

That isn't the complicated part but I don't want to derail the OP's question.

 

[mjkacmom]

That isn't the complicated part but I don't want to derail the OP's question.

OP is giving $500, done and dusted.

 

[tzolkin]

There are brides/couples who have a very clear picture of what they want/need because they want the money to pay for the wedding or the honeymoon.
...
If you want to make sure you are not showing off or being looked down on, the only option is to ask. Why is this so different than asking what someone wants for a birthday?

It's different because it's money and not a tangible gift. For a physical gift, I would always want to ensure that I am purchasing something that the recipient wants. When it's cash, I think it should be based on what the giver either can afford or feels like giving.

At least to me, it feels very odd to ask someone if they would prefer a gift of $50 cash or $500 cash. I would always assume that the person would want the larger amount if given the option so why bother asking? If it's in your budget to give $500, just give that amount and don't ask how much they want.

If you're meaning to ask what they expect for a cash gift, that would be even more awkward to me. If the bride's response was that she expected me to give $500 or that they expect cash gifts to be at least $200 per person (or whatever amount), I would choose not to attend.

 

[tinkerbellandpeterpan]

It's different because it's money and not a tangible gift. For a physical gift, I would always want to ensure that I am purchasing something that the recipient wants. When it's cash, I think it should be based on what the giver either can afford or feels like giving.

At least to me, it feels very odd to ask someone if they would prefer a gift of $50 cash or $500 cash. I would always assume that the person would want the larger amount if given the option so why bother asking? If it's in your budget to give $500, just give that amount and don't ask how much they want.

If you're meaning to ask what they expect for a cash gift, that would be even more awkward to me. If the bride's response was that she expected me to give $500 or that they expect cash gifts to be at least $200 per person (or whatever amount), I would choose not to attend.

I understand this and I would never ask the couple or the immediate family of either. I might ask others from the area if I wasn't familiar with generally customs.

I do not understand the "have the party you can afford to have" comments (not attributed to you @tolzkin). I did have a wedding I could afford and everyone I knows did the same. That doesn't mean that I didn't also have a general idea of what gifts people would be giving and I know I what I generally give.

I also wouldn't want someone to not be able to attend because they were concerned about a gift and I had that conversation with a friend where I knew attending and staying at a hotel would be enough of a financial stretch and told them in a private conversation that their presence was the present and not to worry about it because I knew they would (sorry for the run on sentence). It meant a lot to me for them to be there and I wanted to them to know it.

It always seems likes the people who are most annoyed and get the most frustrated about this are those don't come from a "cover your plate" location. It's our custom. We know how to handle it. It's not that confusing and doesn't cause great consternation.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I understand this and I would never ask the couple or the immediate family of either. I might ask others from the area if I wasn't familiar with generally customs.

I do not understand the "have the party you can afford to have" comments (not attributed to you @tolzkin). I did have a wedding I could afford and everyone I knows did the same. That doesn't mean that I didn't also have a general idea of what gifts people would be giving and I know I what I generally give.

I also wouldn't want someone to not be able to attend because they were concerned about a gift and I had that conversation with a friend where I knew attending and staying at a hotel would be enough of a financial stretch and told them in a private conversation that their presence was the present and not to worry about it because I knew they would (sorry for the run on sentence). It meant a lot to me for them to be there and I wanted to them to know it.

It always seems likes the people who are most annoyed and get the most frustrated about this are those don't come from a "cover your plate" location. It's our custom. We know how to handle it. It's not that confusing and doesn't cause great consternation.

It's been my experience that the cover your plate crowd say they give the most money, whether they do IRL I've no idea. That's where I think people then come in with have the party you can afford because the concept of a guest thinking about how much their dinner cost so as to compensate for that can come off as you're really unable to afford the event (whatever it is). It comes from regional norm of the oldens days and for the regions where this is most prominent has stuck around and weddings keep getting more expensive and in some places more extravagant which fuels this viewpoint from outsiders so to speak about having the party you can afford.

Most wedding sources out there these days advise guests to not even try to do a cover your plate thing it's a dying custom held strong by the few (relatively speaking), it's just something in certain regions has stuck around but modern etiquette advises not to do this. Understandable why the OP was concerned, it most regions of the U.S. this wouldn't be much of a consideration. Even information from 10 years ago from etiquette experts advised against cover your plate mentality towards gift giving amounts. Heck even 1-800-Flowers says "The rule of covering your cost via a wedding gift is not followed today." with a founder for an etiquette school saying "the old adage is outdated" so as fewer and fewer people follow it expect to have more people wondering what the custom is all about

 

[tinkerbellandpeterpan]

It's been my experience that the cover your plate crowd say they give the most money, whether they do IRL I've no idea. That's where I think people then come in with have the party you can afford because the concept of a guest thinking about how much their dinner cost so as to compensate for that can come off as you're really unable to afford the event (whatever it is). It comes from regional norm of the oldens days and for the regions where this is most prominent has stuck around and weddings keep getting more expensive and in some places more extravagant which fuels this viewpoint from outsiders so to speak about having the party you can afford.

Most wedding sources out there these days advise guests to not even try to do a cover your plate thing it's a dying custom held strong by the few (relatively speaking), it's just something in certain regions has stuck around but modern etiquette advises not to do this. Understandable why the OP was concerned, it most regions of the U.S. this wouldn't be much of a consideration. Even information from 10 years ago from etiquette experts advised against cover your plate mentality towards gift giving amounts. Heck even 1-800-Flowers says "The rule of covering your cost via a wedding gift is not followed today." with a founder for an etiquette school saying "the old adage is outdated" so as fewer and fewer people follow it expect to have more people wondering what the custom is all about

Thanks for sharing your experience. IRL they do. What some people from certain regions give at weddings is less that what is traditionally given at a baptism or a first birthday here. Which is why I specifically said that people in my area have a custom and it's accepted and followed GENERALLY. Of course most people aren't complete jerks and don't think their elderly aunt on a pension needs to pay a price for admission. That just not how it works.

I know you often find it difficult to accept that your experience/opinion isn't the be all and end all, but my point was that people that grow up in these areas and have it as a custom understand it. I've also been to weddings across the US and in other countries and the customs are different there and I follow them. It really is regional and I don't know why that's such an issue for some people.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Thanks for sharing your experience. IRL they do. What some people from certain regions give at weddings is less that what is traditionally given at a baptism or a first birthday here. Which is why I specifically said that people in my area have a custom and it's accepted and followed GENERALLY. Of course most people aren't complete jerks and don't think their elderly aunt on a pension needs to pay a price for admission. That just not how it works.

I know you often find it difficult to accept that your experience/opinion isn't the be all and end all, but my point was that people that grow up in these areas and have it as a custom understand it. I've also been to weddings across the US and in other countries and the customs are different there and I follow them. It really is regional and I don't know why that's such an issue for some people.

I'm not sure what your comment about "difficult to accept" there's nothing for me to accept. The comments are always about norms, etiquette, etc. I'm giving you what modern experts advise people when they come looking for advice.

You're the one who painted a picture about other people. I'm just trying to explain why the "afford" part comes from because that is a response to an expectation to cover your place. The why is because it's a dying custom not followed by the majority of the U.S. so the more time goes on the less like you are to find people "who get it". And if you're ruffled enough to feel you need to give your rationale by saying "the people who are most annoyed and get the most frustrated about this are those don't come from a "cover your plate" location" as time goes on you're going to find more and more of that because the advice is to not adhere to an outdated custom. I'm sure y'all will continue to pass it down, but understand why others out there have the thoughts (such as the complicated comment from a PP) they do, there are simply less and less people over the years even exposed to it (other than tiktok stuff).

 

[luvnwdwgal]

I think this is it right here. The answers on this board will always be above and beyond the average American. Most Americans can’t afford to go on multiple Disney trips a year so their incomes and disposable money are much different. Even for those of us in the northeast.

I wonder what the average cash gift is for a wedding.

No. Not everybody on these boards are well off. We have to budget at least a year out plus sometimes use our income tax refund to visit WDW and we stay at a value and we only go once a year. We do not live above and beyond the average American.

 

[tinkerbellandpeterpan]

I'm not sure what your comment about "difficult to accept" there's nothing for me to accept. The comments are always about norms, etiquette, etc. I'm giving you what modern experts advise people when they come looking for advice.

You're the one who painted a picture about other people. I'm just trying to explain why the "afford" part comes from because that is a response to an expectation to cover your place. The why is because it's a dying custom not followed by the majority of the U.S. so the more time goes on the less like you are to find people "who get it". And if you're ruffled enough to feel you need to give your rationale by saying "the people who are most annoyed and get the most frustrated about this are those don't come from a "cover your plate" location" as time goes on you're going to find more and more of that because the advice is to not adhere to an outdated custom. I'm sure y'all will continue to pass it down, but understand why others out there have the thoughts (such as the complicated comment from a PP) they do, there are simply less and less people over the years even exposed to it (other than tiktok stuff).

Please understand that there are experiences outside your own. And they are valid. And they actually happen. And I have no idea what tiktok has to do with it if your argument if it is that my opinion is outdated. You realize mixing tiktok and outdated makes no sense. It's not a dying a custom IN MY AREA. It's an outdated custom to you. Which is great and works for you. In my area it's $500 for nieces and nephews for weddings. That's what it is. If someone asked me if they were coming to a wedding here for a niece/nephew that's what I would say.

You can't just say it's wrong because it's not your experience or you don't like it. I say it's difficult to accept because you have a history of arguing on and on because you are always right. I've been to rural weddings, upstate NY weddings, weddings in middle of the country, southern weddings, costa rican weddings, west coast weddings and I've dressed differently and gifted differently according to local customs. What's customary here isn't customary everywhere. If you can't understand that then I can't help you.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

No. Not everybody on these boards are well off. We have to budget at least a year out plus sometimes use our income tax refund to visit WDW and we stay at a value and we only go once a year. We do not live above and beyond the average American.

Once a year is still more than the average American. We only go every 2-3 years and people often think that’s way too much.

I still think the answers on a Disney message board will skew higher than the average person.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Please understand that there are experiences outside your own. And they are valid. And they actually happen. And I have no idea what tiktok has to do with it if your argument if it is that my opinion is outdated. You realize mixing tiktok and outdated makes no sense. It's not a dying a custom IN MY AREA. It's an outdated custom to you. Which is great and works for you. In my area it's $500 for nieces and nephews for weddings. That's what it is. If someone asked me if they were coming to a wedding here for a niece/nephew that's what I would say.

You can't just say it's wrong because it's not your experience or you don't like it. I say it's difficult to accept because you have a history of arguing on and on because you are always right. I've been to rural weddings, upstate NY weddings, weddings in middle of the country, southern weddings, costa rican weddings, west coast weddings and I've dressed differently and gifted differently according to local customs. What's customary here isn't customary everywhere. If you can't understand that then I can't help you.

I'm sorry are we having two different conversations? I'm not discounting your experience what are you even talking about here. Your beef is with those who are unfamiliar with your custom, just trying to offer why people come with "huh?" to the whole cover your plate. Someone mentioned it was very complicated and it can be for those not familiar with it. As time has gone on less and less people use the cover your plate as it's not recommended by most places people seek advice on and thus you will probably run into people who are less familiar with it as time goes on. Whether you get upset at those people is up to you, just trying to say you're going to encounter more and more outsiders in that respect.

I didn't say it was wrong. I said etiquette experts are the ones saying not to use that any longer. That's their advice. You're still free to do it but when someone goes looking for what to do (and the only ones who would do that are ones not 100% adhering to it to begin with) will see the advice to use relationships more. Just how it's coming about. I can post links if you want but I feel like that's overkill here for the point to be made.

 

[cayennews]

I am from MA. I would say $100 since you and your family are traveling across the country. Between that and accommodations, you are probably already spending $1500 to attend.

 

[mjkacmom]

Thanks for sharing your experience. IRL they do. What some people from certain regions give at weddings is less that what is traditionally given at a baptism or a first birthday here. Which is why I specifically said that people in my area have a custom and it's accepted and followed GENERALLY. Of course most people aren't complete jerks and don't think their elderly aunt on a pension needs to pay a price for admission. That just not how it works.

I know you often find it difficult to accept that your experience/opinion isn't the be all and end all, but my point was that people that grow up in these areas and have it as a custom understand it. I've also been to weddings across the US and in other countries and the customs are different there and I follow them. It really is regional and I don't know why that's such an issue for some people.

Yes, it’s not a dying tradition here, it might be dying in some areas where it was a new thing created by social media, and it didn’t work out. I’m guessing the cover your plate has been the norm here for at least a century so I don’t think it’s going away, unlike elsewhere. We will just hunker down and take criticism from elsewhere and just be happy not to be noshing on nuts in a church basement.

 

[tzolkin]

IRL they do. What some people from certain regions give at weddings is less that what is traditionally given at a baptism or a first birthday here. Which is why I specifically said that people in my area have a custom and it's accepted and followed GENERALLY.

I think referring to it as "regional" / what people from certain areas of the US do may be the hang up for some. While it's generally true, there's also a cultural element to it as well as just being where you live. My extended family all comes from a region where "cover your plate" is a thing, but it is not necessarily the norm for everyone in that region. For example, my mom's side of the family are the Italian New Yorkers who would absolutely never dream of attending any event without a large monetary gift (and lavish weddings are the norm). My dad's side are from the same area, but for them weddings are more cake and non-alcoholic punch reception with physical gifts like a picture frame or a cookie jar. Both find the other's practices odd (and in some cases rude or disrespectful), but they are from the same region of the US.

To me, it's similar to other forms of "gifting" cultures. There are certain norms and practices that people within that group carry on as traditions, but seem foreign to outsiders and can often be misunderstood or misinterpreted. I have a background in anthropology so I find the differences interesting, but I think some take them more personally.

 

[HopperFan]

Yes, it’s not a dying tradition here, it might be dying in some areas where it was a new thing created by social media, and it didn’t work out. I’m guessing the cover your plate has been the norm here for at least a century so I don’t think it’s going away, unlike elsewhere. We will just hunker down and take criticism from elsewhere and just be happy not to be noshing on nuts in a church basement.

 

[kymom99]

My reaction, too

 

[SharonZ]

I went to a similar wedding last month (cousin's daughter), attended alone, and gave $250.00

 

[QueenIsabella]

Our niece got married a couple years ago. We traveled--5 of us--800 miles to attend. We gave them $500--our "standard" in this situation (we only have a few nieces). In addition, we put our oldest on the card--she lives closer and was in the bridal party. After paying for her dress, shoes, the shower, etc., she felt tapped out. Which, I could totally see, especially since the shower was a weekend away and included a request for a nice bottle of wine for the couple (I think from another aunt--I can't imagine my niece actually having this as a thing, but--whatever).

 

[DisneyHardin]

I'm from the south, so cover your plate is not the experience I've had. In fact, I don't think I've ever been to a wedding with a plated dinner - It's always buffet style and oftentimes, party food instead of substantial dinner type food.

So, an honest question. What do people who can't afford large monetary gifts do? Do they just always decline? Or do the bride and groom only invite people that are in the financial bracket to be able to cover their plate? I'm thinking back to when my best friend from high school got married - she got married young - I think we were 22 or 23. I was just starting out as a first year teacher, as were most of her friends. At a one of these weddings where it is expected that you will cover your plate with a monetary gift, are the bride and grooms young, poor friends just not welcome?