Ways to help grieving family?

[StephMK]

We are driving out of town for a funeral for DH's friend. He leaves behind a wife & 3 teens. I knew him but not as well and I plan to help serve, clean up, etc. at the house during the after gathering. We are also trying to help get out of town people by driving them if needed. I would love to think of some other things that were particularly helpful but can't come up with much other than gc for dinners later.

Any suggestions for things we can do or ways we can help? Hoping someone can give us some ideas we haven't thought of that can help out the family at this difficult time.

 

[crusoe2]

First of all, my condolences. What you are doing is awesome. You don't mention anything about finances but one thing that came to mind is - did he have a life insurance or burial policy that will cover all the funeral expenses? If not, you might speak to a local bank about setting up some sort of fund to help cover those expenses and get the ball rolling on donations.

 

[girli565]

Could you maybe cook a few meals that freeze well and stock their freezer? I did that for a cousin who recently lost his wife, and he later told me that they were a great help.

 

[akcire]

When my friend's husband died suddenly. I arranged and paid for lawn service for the remainder of the summer (she lived 4 hours away--so too far for me to mow). I knew it to be a chore that he took care of and wanted to remove one thing from her plate.

 

[littleteapot]

Pick up paper plates, plastic cups, paper towels and toilet paper. It is nice not to have to do extra dishes and worry about essentials.

 

[poohfriend77]

I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your husband's friend. It sounds like you are already being very helpful.

Maybe you could take some freezer bags/gladware containers, so you can store and freeze the leftovers (I'm guessing lots of people will bring food). That way you won't have to scrounge through the kitchen cabinets or keep asking the wife where things are. Label the containers with a Sharpie, so the family can thaw them as needed.

Postage stamps might be nice, as well, so the wife can send the thank you notes later.

 

[poohfriend77]

When my friend's husband died suddenly. I arranged and paid for lawn service for the remainder of the summer (she lived 4 hours away--so too far for me to mow). I knew it to be a chore that he took care of and wanted to remove one thing from her plate.

This is an awesome idea! It's one thing to say, "Let me know if I can do anything..." But sometimes it's better to see a need and just take care of it.

 

[YO's Mom]

When my friend's husband died suddenly. I arranged and paid for lawn service for the remainder of the summer (she lived 4 hours away--so too far for me to mow). I knew it to be a chore that he took care of and wanted to remove one thing from her plate.

I love this idea. I wish someone had done this when Bill died. I had one neighbor come over and mow one time, but after that, I was on my own. My family was 700 miles away, so I couldn't just call them to help out. I ended going from one of the nicest yards on the block to one of the worst. By the next summer, I was able to function enough to at least keep it mowed (although the trimming and edging I still don't do!).

What a great alternative to "let me know if I can do anything". And if you live close enough and are willing to do it yourself, just show up with the mower and do it. Don't ask, or say you are going to then not show up - just do it!

For the OP, if you leave the fridge and freezer stocked (lots of frozen snack foods for teens) and stock up on paper products and pet food (if they have any) that would be wonderful!

 

[StephMK]

Love these ideas! Thanks so much. I'm not a great cook, I'm a functional cook , but maybe we can pick up some groceries while we're there. Will definitely buy some containers & I have sharpies & leftover solid color forks & plates from DD's grad party. May pack some of those or pick up some tomorrow along w/stamps.

 

[Ress76]

My husband recently died, and I echo the paper plates, cups etc. There were so many nights that doing dishes was just the last thing on my mind. If you have the money rather than the inclination to cook, I'd suggest a gift card to their local grocery store-my office gave me one and it was so appreciated, since there are just so many expenses that pile up so quickly.

My other suggestion is, in a month or two, come back to see the family. Take them out for dinner, offer to do any little things around the house, offer to take the kids out to give her some time alone. She may be swamped with support right now, but it seems like that support can frequently dry up more quickly than one would like. Just tell her, "DH and I would like to come out for a weekend in July and help you and the kids out if you need anything, or just visit. Which weekend do you think will work best for you guys?" Setting good plans that she and the kids can look forward to is a lot more helpful than, "hey, just call us if you need anything." I loved the lawn care idea too...just take care of and help with what you can so she is not put into the position of have to ask for help.

Ress

Ress

 

[lovemygoofy]

Get some sticky labels or small strips of paper and tape. Everytime some food comes into the house label what it is and the date delivered and who deliever it.

Keep a book of deliveries whether food, product, services or flowers. Try to get an address from the gifter.

Put a book out next to the front door so the visitors can sign and leave a message or contact information.

Put another book near the phone to take phone messages and contact information.

Have food containers and ziploc bags on on hand to put big casseroles into smaller portions for the freezer and again with the date.

Offer to go to the cleaners if anything needs to be dry cleaned or pressed. Especially if there is a special suit for the person that needs to be delivered to the funeral home.

Be willing to listen. Ask about special pictures on that are displayed. It will make you feel like you are doing something and the spouse will have someone willing to hear about stories most have heard several times over.

If you hear the spouse, wondering aloud about things like life insurance or school issues, try to write them down for her. Find someone that will be there as support that could help find the answers.

Don't be afraid to say nothing. Sometimes just being there is enough.

If people want to help, try to schedule starting a month out. Let the moms groups or PTA or whatever have a day a week starting a month out to deliver food or services.

 

[semo233]

You have gotten some wonderful advice so far. I was going to mention that she and the kids will probably be swamped with people willing to help for the first three weeks or so, but help will fade. Throughout the first year (which is typically the hardest because of all of the "firsts" without him) think about visiting or calling or sending cards, etc. If they do not have family support, you can always consider spending the holidays with them. Father's day is in a few weeks and will be very hard.

Look around at home to see if you have any pictures of the deceased. Can you get them blown up at CVS quickly and bring them? Are there any funny stories or precious memories to share with the spouse and/or children? write them down. Even if you and your husband think of them later, send the children/spouse a letter that they can keep forever.

I might also suggest a scrapbook or journal for the kids. You would be surprise how many memories of the deceased will fade (get them written down ASAP!) or how many memories just pop in your head throughout time. It might also be nice to gather pictures and creat a scrapbook for each child to remember their father by.

Again, support will be there for the first month or so and will then fade....that's when your efforts will be most needed.

 

[melancholywings]

My grandmother did this for me when I was a teen and had lost my parents over the summer. On dec 1st she sent me a box of small little presents wrapped up - nothing huge or major but one for every day into the new year. And once a day I took one out and opened it. It made that first holiday a little easier to get through.

I think the lawn service is genius. A local church made us meals for a week. Which we used and loved. Different members each took on one meal a night...so 7 different families made food for us. It was VERY much appreciated even though they all accidentally made the exact same meal. Lasagna and bread. It was great though because we could freeze it and eat it later.

 

[crisi]

The lawn service idea is genius.

If you can come back into town in a few weeks to help pack up his stuff, that's often helpful. Its a really hard job for the near and dear, but easier for someone who can put all the sweaters in a box to send to Goodwill without thinking "he wore this at Easter."

 

[shortbun]

It's already been said but be the friends who keep in contact and show up with a toolbox and food in a month or so. It seems like you are doing a lot right now. Later, when everyone else goes away, they will still need help.

 

[PrincessShanShan]

I lost my 21 year old nephew (that I helped raise) over this past Labor Day weekend. I think what you are doing is great! The biggest thing that I think you could do, is be there for them 2 months, 6 months or a year from now. My nephew has been gone almost 9 months, but my loss is forever. It wont go away. The support from friends is so great to begin with, but it dwindles as time goes on. It mea a lot when you have friends there after the initial loss. My heart goes out to the family. It's something I've learned you will never ever get over, but in time you can learn to live along side it.

 

[honeydiane1953]

Gift cards to restaurants. Do they have say Kroger ones for buying fresh food right there at the supermarket??? Visit by yourself to talk and observe things that they may need. Talk about him. When my son died at 16 and a half folks didn't know what to say so they pretended he didn't exist. Mentioning the lost loved one opens up the family to grieve. If the funds r available maybe have their car/cars tuned up, oil changed, washed. Hope this helps.

 

[Sally]

My other suggestion is, in a month or two, come back to see the family. Take them out for dinner, offer to do any little things around the house, offer to take the kids out to give her some time alone. She may be swamped with support right now, but it seems like that support can frequently dry up more quickly than one would like. Just tell her, "DH and I would like to come out for a weekend in July and help you and the kids out if you need anything, or just visit. Which weekend do you think will work best for you guys?" Setting good plans that she and the kids can look forward to is a lot more helpful than, "hey, just call us if you need anything." I loved the lawn care idea too...just take care of and help with what you can so she is not put into the position of have to ask for help.

Ress

Ress

So sorry for your DH's loss. I agree that while doing things now is great, it will be later on the most help maybe needed. She may not know what she will need help with just yet, but in a month there may be a full list of items that she is not sure how to handle. Also, I know that my Mother always suggested in lieu of flowers give a gift card to Lowe's or Home Depot so the family can purchase a tree for the yard or houseplant in memory of the person.

 

[MistressMerryweather]

Today is the one month anniversary of my brother's sudden death. He had just turned 32 last month and left behind his wife and 5 kids (17, 8, 8, 4 and 2).
Think of the most mundane things that usually need to get done, and those are the hardest right now. The hardest of all is meals. Freezer meals are the best.
Try to think of meals that don't have "red" sauce. That seems to be everyone's go-to dish.
The household supplies were so helpful. Toilet paper, paper towels, dishsoap, paper plates, cups. Anything you may run out of with relatives coming in, etc.
Bottled water, ice, snacks, lunchmeat, rolls.
Anything you can think of that they may run out of.
The day my little brother died, I stood at the deli in the grocery store trying to order lunchmeat for incoming family and relatives and it was the most awful thing. Nothing feels right. The normal stuff you do every day is the hardest.
If you can help to relieve that now, and in a few months, you will have helped so much.

 

[Ress76]

So sorry for your DH's loss. I agree that while doing things now is great, it will be later on the most help maybe needed. She may not know what she will need help with just yet, but in a month there may be a full list of items that she is not sure how to handle. Also, I know that my Mother always suggested in lieu of flowers give a gift card to Lowe's or Home Depot so the family can purchase a tree for the yard or houseplant in memory of the person.

This is it, exactly. My husband has been gone not quite 3 months, and his family except for the BIL helping me with the estate has vanished. His friends and co-workers who swore "just call if you need anything at all" have vanished, and I am back to a handful of dedicated friends, "like a brother" and "like a sister"s. It would be hugely appreciated if someone would call or stop by, take our son out for a burger some Saturday, stop over after work and see if there is anything we need. I have an apartment, I think if we still had our house, as the OP's friends do, it would be ten-fold worse (at least).

I still love the lawncare idea, but even planting flowers in the garden, planting a veggie garden, trimming bushes, staining the deck, whatever the family has one in the past in the spring, just plain old isn't going to get done this year, and the emptiness of that will carry though the summer. And honestly, I was overwhelmed by the mail-regular every day mail, bills, hospital bills, cards, every day junk mail. If someone had popped over to just sit and help me go through it, I may not have a printer paper box full of 6 weeks of unopened mail. There's just so many things I unfortunately know what to do if I find a friend in this situation in the future.

Ress