Way to handle a very difficult situation-HELP

[ChristmasElf]

Sounds like possible nuerological problems. Could also be autism. If the baby is being seen by a pediatrician though, I am sure the Doctor would refer them to a specialist if he suspects anything is wrong.

Just be a friend to your friend. If she is ready to talk to you about the baby, she will when she is ready.

 

[DisneyPhD]

If this was a good friend of mine I would mention it to her. I would play with the child and then mention that I had a hard time getting the baby to make eye contact, did the baby do this with them too? Maybe the baby does't do this for her family.

 

[tw1nsmom]

I would talk to her about it. My son has special needs. I naturally have a wide network of friends and acquaintances who have children with special needs. I have yet to meet anyone who has a child with an invisible disability that was caught by the pediatrician. One of my friends has a son who we now know is autistic. She would ask about his development and her concerns at every well child visit. The child would be climbing all over the room and rocking, and the pediatrician told her she had nothing to worry about. Finally, a group of friends talked to her and she referred him for an evaluation through the early intervention program.

If it were me, I would talk about "an article" I supposedly read, or a fictional someone whose child was helped by early intervention. I would emphasize how amazing it is that therapists can do simple exercises that can push a child's development forward. I would talk about how many children who receive early intervention services completely test out of services before going to school. I would mention you "friend" whose pediatrician didn't notice anything amiss and that she called early intervention and requested an evaluation in writing herself.

I wouldn't mention autism, or any specific disability. It doesn't sound as though she would be ready to even contemplate that. Just talk about how physical and occupational therapists are like personal trainers for babies and can really help jump start a babies muscular development. When she requests an evaluation, a full evaluation will be done. Through that they will most likely be able to detect any developmental issues.

 

[DawnCt1]

Is it possible they are just not sharing the problems that are suspected of the child?

That is SUCH a good possibility. I had a friend whose nephew was autistic, had very little language, didn't connect, tantrumed, etc. The mother was a doting mother who went to the peds. When the child behaved like he normally did, she insisted that he's afraid to go to the doctor, he was up all day, he didn't sleep last night, etc. When asked about his language skills it was: "I don't know why he doesn't talk here, he's a blabber mouth at home, he knows his alphabet, he counts, he sings, etc. etc." Every question had an excuse. She wasn't "lying", she just didn't want to see it. Major denial. Her family finally had to have an intervention of sorts. It wasn't well received but the child finally got the help he needed. When the daughter came along, she too showed signs of autism and the mother was quicker to respond. In some ways I think that there were some secondary gains for the mother once she got involved in treatment and so forth.

 

[Poohgirl]

I am the mom of an Autistic child. I knew when he was that age that there was something "not right", he is my second child. My Ped (wonderful man) still did not start running tests until he was 15 months old, he wanted to give him a chance to "come around". This child may well have something like autism, or dev. delays or he may just be slower to develop and will be fine. Be there for your friend, right now either way, I think its a waiting game. BTW my son did start therapies and early intervention at 18 months and it has made a world of difference.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

tw1nsmom is suggesting exactly what I suggested that my sister say to my niece. Not that my niece was asking her dr--my niece had her head in the sand, which was not helping her son, but my sister didn't know how to bring it up to her in a tactful way. It's hard when you are close to a person. You don't want to offend the person, but you also don't want to stand my and ignore signs, either.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Lot's of good ideas here!

I just wanted to say that, from my own personal experience

Pediatricians CAN and DO miss these kinds of problems.

Parents CAN and DO 'stick their head in the sand' during these early months and years.

And, for me, I was the parent actually worried and asking about different subtle issues, and was repeatedly met with the "Don't worry", "Your overreacting", being treated as an obsessive hypochondriac parent, etc... etc... etc... (My child has now been diagnosed with a disability)

Here are my thoughts, based on what you have posted.
This child is still very young.
Is it not true that a nine month old 'preemie' can actually be like a 7 month old?
I think their are milestone moments, like 'at one year old' at that first birthday, and like, when they start Kindergarten, etc.. And that it is at these points that many parents may really stop to take a good look at their child, and see that it does become very obvious if their child is having issues.

I would sit tight for a while.

Perhaps the parents may come-around if need be, and you will not have possibly ruined your friendship over something that would have worked out anyway.

After the child turns one year old, and the parents, and the pediatrician, still show no signs of concern. Then maybe you could reconsider the situation.

 

[U2_rocks]

Lot's of good ideas here!

I just wanted to say that, from my own personal experience

Pediatricians CAN and DO miss these kinds of problems.

Parents CAN and DO 'stick their head in the sand' during these early months and years.

And, for me, I was the parent actually worried and asking about different subtle issues, and was repeatedly met with the "Don't worry", "Your overreacting", being treated as an obsessive hypochondriac parent, etc... etc... etc... (My child has now been diagnosed with a disability)

Here are my thoughts, based on what you have posted.
This child is still very young.
Is it not true that a nine month old 'preemie' can actually be like a 7 month old?
I think their are milestone moments, like 'at one year old' at that first birthday, and like, when they start Kindergarten, etc.. And that it is at these points that many parents may really stop to take a good look at their child, and see that it does become very obvious if their child is having issues.

I would sit tight for a while.

Perhaps the parents may come-around if need be, and you will not have possibly ruined your friendship over something that would have worked out anyway.

After the child turns one year old, and the parents, and the pediatrician, still show no signs of concern. Then maybe you could reconsider the situation.

I SO agree with this! I know that early intervention is great, but 9 months is pretty young. My mom and I were worrying about my brother's son a few months ago because he seemed behind, and there were days when mom was babysitting him when he wouldn't smile at her at all no matter what she did, and didn't really seem like he wanted to interact. There were lots of tiny things that added up to an issue, and we were worried, but we decided not to say anything and just to watch for a while. Now he is 15 months and catching up. He is much more interactive, and our worries are going away. He wasn't even a preemie! He has gained strength and is doing almost everything a 15 month old should be able to, including walking (he is just starting to be able to do it alone) - he's only a bit behind now on language. It's obvious that he can hear well, so maybe he's just on his own schedule. He's their first child and was a very laid back baby - maybe he's just not in a hurry to learn certain new things.

I'd advise waiting a while and just watching - things will either improve, or you will start to feel more sure that there's a problem, and one day an opportunity might naturally present itself when you can talk about it easily with her.

 

[nwdisgal]

I so appreciate all of your input, you all are thinking along the same lines I am. Mouth is zipping closed. Why borrow trouble.....

That said, couple more questions for you experienced parents out there. Along with some answers to your questions.

I have no idea what is wrong if anything.
The development just seems to be odd to me, the lack of eye contact is my biggest concern, I have never really seen a baby that didn't love to study your face.

The Ped has a great reputation, but the Ped doesn't live with the baby. Ped visits with them for a few minutes every check up and has to rely on the observations of the parents to reach some of their conclusions. If parents aren't seeing it, how do they relate it to the Ped.

I do not think they suspect anything, she and I are very close and discuss just about everything. She has made comments to her Ped about babys size and slower development, but this was within the first 6 months or so. Ped's response was, well some kids are small and is baby "grabbing at objects" then baby is fine.

I have heard and read so many stories of parents that in their guts knew something wasn't right and have had to research and seek out answers on their own, even when they had good Doctors.

If I were the parents, I would definately be safe rather than sorry. I had concerns about my son when he was young - specifically in his speech and language skills. I took him to doctors repeatedly and even pursued early testing in the school district. Doctors dismissed the speech delay until he was almost three because he had an older sibling (who was quite chatty). It is not unusual for older siblings "to talk for" their younger siblings. The school district initially tested for the wrong types of language delays - i.e articulation. vs. receptive and expressive speech and thought he tested fine. Finally, my persistance lead me to a very astute and thorough pediatrician who did notice some subtle behaviors and delays that were concerning to her. She referred us on to a team of developmental specialists at the Children's Hospital. My son was eventually diagnosed with High Functioning Autism. He was almost three by that time. With any sort of delay, early intervention makes all the difference in the world.

 

[katerkat]

I'm torn - I have a friend who's daughter didn't sit up until she was over nine months old, and walked later than "average", and I believe rolled late. But she's very advanced verbally - at the same age, she knew quite a few more words than Russ does. She just wasn't interested in going anywhere. Plus technically your friend's baby is 8 months adjusted age - Russ wasn't able to get into the sitting position on his own at that age. He also didn't start really holding his sippy (never had bottles) until 9+ months.

Also, he's had some physical issues and I don't discuss them with my friends, even my closest ones. I don't have a problem with y'all online, but with my personal friends, I tend to keep his problems to myself, especially since he's just about graduated from therapy.

BUT - with that, I certainly know what it's like to have a child with problems, and definitely early intervention helped. Russ was diagnosed at 2 months old, and started therapy when he was 5 months old, and at 10 months, he was considered pretty much "cured."

I might wait until around a year old - that will give Baby a chance to catch up if she's just a bit slow, or make any problems more obvious. Russ didn't crawl, sit up or anything major until he was 9.5 months old. Then he started pulling up and cruising and picked up all the motor skills he was missing within two weeks.